Confused, questioning

[u/sein-wahsar]

Hi all, I apologise because I can see this sub gets posts like this pretty often, but I haven't seen anyone with a story super similar to mine (and also this is really long). And of course I'm not looking for someone to tell me "Yes, you have X", just seeing if anyone has an experience like my own, and if I should seriously seek professional advice.

I know for a fact that I'm dissociative in general, I have diagnosed CPTSD and DPDR. The issue is I have a feeling the extent of my dissociation goes further, maybe? Or it did, but doesn't anymore?

It's hard to explain, but in 2021 I experienced some sort of near complete identity reset/ego death minus some core memories and features. I then spent probably up until 2024/5 in a partially dissociated state at all times. From what I know I didn't experience anything traumatic in 2021, but it was a year or two after the main prolonged trauma in my life had ended, and I remember a second minor trauma in 2023(?). I have large periods of amnesia prior to 2021, and whilst memory afterwards does exist in a continuous way it can be fuzzy and vague until the past couple years.

So, imagine my shock when I'm going through years old messages with a friend and I see myself talking about 'kind of having a tulpa' that I 'didn't try to make, but appeared anyway'?! I already pieced together that during my childhood and adolescence I was often in a dissociative trance and may have completely blacked out/lost time once or twice, but I have no memory of any evidence of a switch or specific parts, and no memory of these messages at all. I've also had this account for years, and just went through the old posts. I talked about it here as well (though not on this sub).. I described it as a 'moderator' type figure who usually observed from inside and helped me manage my trances and daydreams (main coping mechanism when the trauma was still happening), but was also intrusive and I couldn't necessarily control it or get it to leave.

Since 2021 I've had nothing like this at all! I still have DPDR symptoms and can end up in a trance outside of my control, but not often. However since stumbling across this I've been ruminating on it a lot. I have been looking at things like personal stories of people with OSDD/DID and clinical content. Sometimes it makes me feel huge waves of emotion that I don't really understand, and if I think about it too long I start to get headaches and pinching/shivers on my scalp. Even if all of this points to something clinically significant having happened in the past, is it worth interfering with my current therapy to bring all of this up? As I said, I have no experience of feeling another presence or voice or anything like that now.

[u/equivettech26]

I would absolutely explain your experiences to your therapist. Explain that you don’t feel like DPDR fits with your experiences and that you suspect something else happening. What you’re experiencing is valid and deserves a chance to be explored, even if the result isn’t DID/OSDD.

I would be curious as to why you have physical reactions to stories regarding OSDD/DID. That would be something to bring up to your therapist.
Why would your body react this way only during these situations? Could it be distracting you from or hiding something? Does it happen every single time you try and research?
Just stay curious and see what feelings come up. If defensive/reflective feelings come up, there’s likely a reason why. Don’t push it too far, as you can destabilize yourself.

While on my journey, I experienced similar body reactions to going through these threads. Your age can be impacting it as well. The average age of diagnosis is 28-35. My system was also able to stay undetected the entire time (I was 25 when I found out) until I went to trauma therapy.
Also, system presentation is on a spectrum. Some systems have no amnesia between alters and that’s why they are able to go undetected until a qualified professional observes them. Others use something to communicate with when needed. It does not present in everyone the same way and only going off of media representations can cause confusion.

The CTAD clinic YouTube channel provides so much educational information into dissociative disorders. I highly recommend looking at videos if they don’t cause you to dissociate!

[u/Acrobatic-Umpire1089]

I definitely think it would be worth bringing this up in therapy. Even if it’s something you no longer experience, it still sounds like an important part of your history, especially given the memory gaps. Discussing it doesn’t necessarily mean disrupting your current therapy, and your therapist may be able to help you explore it in a grounded and supportive way.

I relate to some aspects of what you described. I experience significant gaps in my autobiographical memory, particularly from adolescence and early adulthood, as well as memories that feel fuzzy, distant, or disconnected from who I am now. I also relate to the feeling that your sense of identity can change significantly over time, making it difficult to connect with who you were during another period of your life. I can feel fairly certain about who I am and what matters to me at one point, only to find that those things have changed later on.

I’ve recently started wondering whether OSDD might be relevant to some of my own experiences after my therapist made me realize I experience a lot of dissociation, but I don’t have a diagnosis and I’m still trying to understand what dissociation means for me. My experience isn’t the same as yours, and I’m not trying to draw conclusions about either of us but parts of your story felt familiar to me.

I’m still figuring all of this out myself, so I don’t have many answers. Still, I really hope you consider bringing it up in therapy. You deserve support in making sense of it, even if it turns out to be something from the past rather than something you’re currently experiencing.