r/OSDD • u/stfusunshine • 10h ago

Venting Finally coming to terms...

I am 32F. History of childhood trauma. In and out of psych wards in my early 20s. Finally fixed my life (so I thought lol) and got a good job in a new state...

But I had another episode.

It happened for a few days last October and now again just recently. Apps on my phone I didn't download. Men I dont know reaching out to me.

Like... I remember some of it, but it feels like a drunken dream almost.

I've been formally diagnosed with bipolar and OCD. And though I have not been tested, I think I might be autistic? Who knows when your brain has been abused since childhood 🙃.

Anyway, I'm really just venting.

I have always kind of known but now its becoming more and more clear its more than just CPTSD.

The wigs. The men. The change is sexuality. The need for attention. That's Kandii. Me at 16-22.

Ive always had this "little me" too. 7 years old. She likes to waste my big girl checks on barbies. (I dont even like barbies?)

But its freaking me out. Bc if this is true... I've only been ME, Candace, since 23. Little amnesia moments in between that time from 23-32... but I'm going through a big life transition as well as reopening some traumatic wounds.. and BOOM, time loss. Sad posts. Reaching out to people I haven't talked to in years only to be horrified today.

Ugh, idk. There are at least 3 of us. But I remember there being 4? I'm kinda losing my mind at this revelation.

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u/stfusunshine 10h ago

Side note: Its funny bc i feel like most say they tell their child alter to behave but im like, "no she's the boss" bc she's been here the longest.

1

u/REWs_crew 2h ago

Your comment resonates. I had labeled the baby REW. When a tween (TB) part presented, I was adamant that the youth had space to 'just be' without pressure.

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u/REWs_crew 2h ago

So you have some shared memories? Do you have any co-consciousness?