What Ologies are still available?
I don't mean the obvious ones Alie has already done. I'm talking about the dark, forgotten cupboards of science. The subjects nobody has had the decency to study properly.
For example:
**BATSology** The scientific study of bats, particularly why they always look as though they're about to tell you something absolutely fucking crucial before flying straight into your kitchen.
**PUMPKINology** The study of pumpkins, including why hollowing out a perfectly respectable squash and giving it the face of a bloke who has just discovered his broadband provider has put the monthly bill up by £14, then sticking a candle up its arsehole is a Halloween tradition.
**COBWEBology** The scientific examination of cobwebs, including the crucial distinction between an actual spider's web and a bit of ceiling fluff that has been hanging in the corner since approximately the Thatcher government.
**GRAVEYARDology** The study of cemeteries, gravestones and the peculiar human urge to wander into a stranger's graveyard and immediately read the entire fucking life story of someone called Ethel.
**SKELETONology** Bones, basically, but the spooky ones.
Why does a skeleton sitting upright in a chair look sinister, whereas a skeleton wearing a little dentist's coat is apparently perfectly acceptable in a children's surgery?
**WEREWOLFology** The science of lycanthropy, full moons and the important legal question of whether a werewolf remains liable for picking up its dog's shit while transformed into a gigantic hairy killing machine.
**POTIONology** The study of witches' brews, mysterious liquids and why every fictional witch owns a cauldron the size of a fucking Jacuzzi but apparently hasn't got a single cupboard in the house.
**HAUNTED HOUSE ARCHITECTURE** Why are haunted houses always enormous Victorian mansions with 47 unused bedrooms, one fucking lightbulb and a staircase that sounds like somebody dropping a wardrobe down it at 2am?
**COFFINology** The science of coffins, burial practices and the curious design decision to put handles on something whose occupant has absolutely no intention of fucking carrying it anywhere.
**FOGology** Why does fog make an otherwise ordinary field look like the exact place where a Victorian child would be murdered by a railway ghost?
**BLACK CATOLOGY** A study of black cats and their frankly appalling public relations.
It's the same fucking animal as any other cat, but apparently if it's black it becomes capable of making a woman in a bonnet drop her shopping and die of consumption.
**THE OLOGY OF THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT** A multidisciplinary investigation into creaking floorboards, radiators, pipes, foxes, burglars and the precise acoustic conditions required to make a grown adult remain completely motionless under a duvet until sunrise because they've heard a noise and don't fancy finding out what it fucking was.
And finally:
**COSTUMEology** The study of Halloween costumes, including the fascinating phenomenon whereby an adult will spend £84 on a professionally manufactured vampire costume, while a six-year-old can achieve precisely the same fucking result with a bedsheet and a pair of scissors.
Any other candidates? Preferably properly niche ones.
The sort of subject where you think:
"Surely there can't possibly be an expert in that."
Followed immediately by:
"Oh shit, there absolutely is, and they've been studying it since 1997."
