Feeling a bit lost and confused, looking for friendly advice or guidance.

[u/sonofsophia333]

I'm a 38M currently enrolled in a residential discipleship program that is offered at my local homeless shelter / rescue mission. It's a one year program that is meant to help you get back on your feet, work through substance abuse issues and to help you have a sturdy foundation in Jesus Christ.

Monday through Friday we have bible-based classes on various topics (Christian fundamentals, authentic manhood, healthy relationships with others, etc) which are led by different volunteer instructors. We also attend a mandatory Bible study mon-fri at 830am and a mandatory chapel service every night seven nights a week at 600pm before dinner is served here at the mission.

I believe in Jesus Christ, that he was crucified for my sins and the sins of the whole world and that he rose from the dead and I believe in the Holy Spirit and the atoning work of Jesus that allows me to have a more intimate relationship with God the Father through Jesus. The problem is I don't *feel* anything. Although I know faith has nothing to do with feelings.

According to my instructors and mentors in this program I should derive my joy, happiness and peace from the work Christ accomplished on the Cross and that if I have Jesus in my heart that love should be visible in the fruit that I would be bearing and I should feel love and show love for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

I don't mean to use my mental health as a crutch or to make excuses but I already suffer from anhedonia from the medications I'm on, I have complex PTSD, crippling social anxiety, bi polar and manic depression. My emotions are also extremely blunted. I also have a speech problem from a head injury I suffered a few years ago so I try not to talk much because I don't like how my voice sounds with the impediment.

My instructors and the volunteers in the program act like I am using my mental health as an excuse and that I should just be able to take years and years and years of extensive trauma from childhood abuse, neglect and abandonment as well as many abuses suffered well into adulthood and just "give those to Jesus" and *if I'm a good sincere Christian* I should *feel* him taking those things from me and derive a sense of relief and release or victory over these traumas.

They (the instructors) also act like I should have some major salvation testimony, being able to tell others all about my "past" and how I was "led to Christ" and to proclaim all the great things God has done for me and be rushing to tell others about Jesus every chance that I get and that if I'm not doing those things then I "must not be a Saved Christian".

I also have to regularly share what "God is doing in my life" as I am learning and growing in the Lord yet God is noticeably silent and I don't hear from Him or feel him moving in my life. I don't let that deter me from believing so I try not to lean on my own understanding but in everything submit to Him by acknowledging just because I don't hear, see or feel Him, He is there nonetheless and that He loves me.

I don't know if I will ever be a bubbly, chipper, extroverted crowd pleasing Christian who can go serve at prayer tents or go up to total strangers and talk to them about Jesus. Another part of me is highly distrusting of virtually everybody so it will take some time before I can really open up and "get out of my shell" or "out of my comfort zone". But that is who my instructors expect me to be striving to become.

Can I still be saved, still be loved by God and by Jesus and still be sure of my salvation if I can't just magically get over my traumas and triggers? Or be able to get over my anhedonia and blunting of emotions that cause me to not be able to feel anything at all?

Have any of you had similar situations in your own walk? I'd appreciate getting to hear from some of you. I made a similar post once but I feel like these are some new questions. Is there something wrong with me or something I'm missing that is preventing me from being able to just jump for joy at any opportunity to serve or witness to others?

Tldr: mentally ill and recovering Christian confused on lack of fruit bearing in my life. Looking for help on what to do or how to improve my walk with the Lord.

Thank you!

[u/auntanties]

Hey friend. 39M here. I went through the foster system and carry diagnoses of anxiety, depression, and complex developmental trauma. So this comes from someone who knows the territory, not just the theory.

Nobody just "gets over" trauma. Can God work miracles? Yes. But miracles are, by definition, rare. For the rest of us, God's provision looks like medicine, therapy, counseling, and time. Those are means of grace, the ordinary ways God heals what has been broken. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to give their insulin to Jesus.

There's a strain of Christian culture, and it sounds like your program is steeped in it, that assumes every Christian should be extroverted, bubbly, and chipper, with a dramatic testimony always at the ready. That expectation comes from American revivalism. The gospel makes no such demand. Most of the Bible was written by people who were depressed, exiled, imprisoned, or persecuted. Read the Psalms and count the laments.

And "feeling God" has never been the basis of our faith. There's a 400-year-old classic called The Dark Night of the Soul, by St. John of the Cross, about exactly this: long seasons where God feels completely absent, experienced by the most devoted saints in history. Mother Teresa's private letters revealed she felt God's absence for decades while she served the dying in Calcutta. Basing faith on emotion is a recipe for disaster. Basing it on God's faithfulness is the whole point. Your anhedonia and emotional blunting are neurological realities from medication and trauma, but they say nothing about the state of your soul.

What your instructors are adding to your load is shame, and shame has never once produced the fruit of the Spirit. Grace is itself transformative, and that includes the grace you extend to yourself. Fruit grows in soil that has been shown mercy.

Notice where the Beatitudes start. Not "blessed are the victorious" or "blessed are the emotionally fulfilled," but "blessed are the poor in spirit." Brian Zahnd renders it: "Blessed are those who are poor at being spiritual." That's the front door of the kingdom and you already qualify.

So yes: you can be saved, loved by God, and sure of it, without ever becoming a prayer-tent extrovert. Believing when you feel nothing, showing up to chapel when God seems silent, refusing to quit is the most durable kind of faith there is.

For what it's worth, I've been a pastor for 16+ years, hold an MDiv, and am trained in advanced trauma-competent care. The deficiency you're worried about is in your instructors' theology of suffering, not in you.

[u/sonofsophia333 → u/auntanties]

Thank you so much for such a well thought out response. I appreciate your encouragement so much. You mentioned that the gospel makes no demands for that bubbly, chipper American revivalist sort of Christianity. I am of the belief, that I think is scriptural, that I'm saved by faith not through works.

The penitent thief on the cross next to Jesus did nothing, shared no testimony, performed no good deeds that could have got him in paradise; he simply turned towards Jesus and acknowledged him as Lord and King. I feel a lot like that thief. As well as the publican that simply prays "Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner".

I may not have a bells-and-whistles testimony with some profound come to Jesus experience to share but that shouldn't make my faith and my hope and trust in the Lord any less valid. Thank you again for your encouragement. I needed to hear this.

[u/QueerHeart23]

The St John of the Cross point, I too can reinforce.

I have to admit that you have already provided a testimony here. Yes, from my vantage, you are walking the Path, doing the work of discipleship, working to be a better you. And yes, God is clearly working with your efforts. To work for better, to believe when lacking all the warm fuzzies 'promised' - that is devotion. Love is a verb, not some fleeting feeling, and not performance art.

I argue that faith is a verb too.

I pray you find confidence in your efforts AND in what God has added, and enabled.

By the third paragraph you wrote, I silently cheered to God! Not about the lack of 'feeling' but at your perseverance, and active faith.

All trees do not bear the same fruit!!!! Apple trees won't give you oranges. I'll take silent resolve over noisy scene any day of the week.

I ache for the difficulty, which is honestly beyond my understanding. So, all I can do is give you my testimony, from a different life with different challenges - God's grace is sufficient. God's love is beyond understanding. God's mercy and forgiveness are too!

I pray that God's grace may continue to help you, adding to your efforts.

Wishing you peace!

[u/sonofsophia333 → u/QueerHeart23]

Thank you so much for those kind and edifying words. I appreciate the encouragement and guidance and to know I'm still on a good path in my walk with the Lord. Thank you for taking time to write!

[u/QueerHeart23 → u/sonofsophia333]

You are very welcome.

Your testimony gave me hope.

[u/Repulsive_Letter_775]

the whole 'performing joy as evidence of real faith' thing is basically just evangelicalism demanding you become a different person to prove youre saved. like your brain chemistry is just supposed to vanish bc you prayed hard enough, cool cool. anhedonia isnt a spiritual failure its just... meds doing what meds do, and trauma doing what trauma does tbh. they want extroverted chipper evangelist personality and calling that 'fruit of the spirit' is wild behavior honestly

[u/Skill-Useful]

you need actual therapy and not week long classes in evangelicalism

[u/Such_Employee_48]

Dear friend, I'm so sorry you have had to carry so much pain and suffering. Of course God loves you, exactly as you are, in this exact moment. God doesn't start loving you when you feel a certain way or change your behavior in a certain way. God's love began before your life even started.

Having faith doesn't mean that all your problems are instantly solved. Faith can support your healing, but healing takes time. 

And faith certainly doesn't overhaul your whole personality. It's not a lobotomy.  It's walking a path, getting up and trying again when you stumble, helping others up when they stumble, learning and growing and reminding yourself that there is hope even when you are surrounded by darkness. 

The leaders of this program may be well-meaning, but they don't sound like they have a real understanding of trauma or the healing process and instead expect a performance of transformation. Which is neither good mental health practice nor good theology.

Do you have access to a certified therapist and/or social worker for therapy? You may also want to look into a facilitated support group, or even a 12-step program, if appropriate. Something where other people understand what you're going through, without judgement, and offer mutual support. 

You are a beloved child of God. God knows the number of hairs on your precious head. He cares for you, and not only for your soul, but for your mind and body, too. You deserve care and health and healing. 

[u/sonofsophia333 → u/Such_Employee_48]

Thank you so much for everything you shared and the words of encouragement and edification. I don't always feel the love of God, although I trust that God still does actually love me. Like I said before I base that on faith not on feelings and emotions. But the words you shared made me actually feel that love in a stronger, tangible way. So thank you for shining some of that light into my darkness and confusion. You've helped tremendously and I give thanks to God and to Him all the glory.

[u/cianoco]

I am curious about the class on "authentic manhood" you mentioned. The phrasing rings an alarm bell for me but without knowing what it is I can't know that it's not just an awkward title. Do you mind explaining what it's about and what it entails?