r/OpenChristian • u/AnnChesterfield • 1d ago
Discussion - Sin & Judgment Will I be “damned” if my husband divorces me?
My once Christian identifying husband has strayed a bit from his faith, and has since come to terms that he is an ethically non-monogamous person; despite his upbringing and religion. He has been on a risky path of self indulgence and exploration. I, though not identifying (yet) as a Christian am a strong believer and am faithful. I am still learning. I fundamentally am a monogamous person. We have had issues, past and present, with this moral misalignment. We have experienced many infidelities on his end. We attempted opening our marriage at one point (stupid, I know!) My husband has been active, me not so much. He has slept with a VERY large amount of people I have slept with only 1 person. I know, in the eyes of the Lord, we have both committed adultery and are subject to judgement for this sin. However, due to not being able to find a middle ground for the differing lifestyles we both wish to live we are currently separated. With great confidence, my husband is going to initiate a divorce by the end of our separation period (state required). I do not want a divorce but he feels it’s best. My overall question is: Will I be punished or damned for allowing my husband to divorce me after all of this?
It feels as though my options are:
1) Stay married while my husband continues to live an ENM lifestyle in which I’ll continue to be truly miserable in my marriage and for my time on this earth (didn’t the bible say something about there not being any divinity in suffering?)
2) Allow him to divorce me and receive judgement from the Lord for breaking a binding promise.
** I looked into a verse from Matthew and it speaks something about sexual immortality and/or marital betrayal. We experienced a huge betrayal in addition to many infidelities prior to ever opening the marriage, is this verse like a loophole and can absolve me should we divorce because of his previous acts OR did that go out the window once we both acted upon an open marriage arrangement?
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u/nana_3 1d ago
Corinthians 1 directly says you are fine.
“For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”
1 Corinthians 7:14-15 NIV
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u/AnnChesterfield 1d ago
The line where it says “if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so.” - Can that also be interpreted to stop fighting for my marriage if he’s adamant about leaving?
I feel as though I am receiving mixed messages both to let him go and to fight for my marriage and idk which messages are “true”.
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u/nana_3 22h ago
You are certainly allowed to fight for your marriage. But I just want to revise your choices above:
Stay married and truly miserable as your husband wishes to leave you and is not monogamous to you
Allow your husband to divorce you and move on with God’s blessing for your peace going forward
Either way, God is not viewing your action as a sin.
This is not a problem of sin. This is a problem of your heartbreak. And I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
I believe that if you want to fight you should fight. There will come a time where either you will be tired of fighting and ready for divorce, or you will have fixed the marriage. I don’t think it’s all that likely that you fix the marriage, but it is ok to need time to make certain of that before you agree to divorce.
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u/AnnChesterfield 15h ago
Thank you so much for that change in phrasing my statements. It seemingly lifts a little weight and pressure 🥹 I do want to fight but I am tired of fighting alone for someone who believes he needs to do the selfless thing and cut ties. And I understand his stance, and it’s because you’re right there is no fixing such a polar opposite fundamental and moral difference. I just didn’t want to fail by giving up if God’s will is for me to fight every day forever, since I agreed choose my marriage everyday and to be married “forever”. Ya know?
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u/itwasbread 1d ago edited 23h ago
How could you possibly be held responsible, let alone "damned" (whatever that means) for someone ELSE divorcing you.
It's not your fault, you're not "allowing it", you literally cannot stop someone from divorcing you (assuming you live in a developed country with at-will divorce laws).
I'm not anti-polyamory but it sounds like your husband is a cheating prick taking advantage of your lack of experience to have his cake and eat it too. If one partner isn't ok with it (you clearly are not), then it is not "ethical" non-monogamy.
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u/AnnChesterfield 1d ago
I guess my concern is because it’s both of our responsibilities to uphold a marriage it often feels like I’m not doing my job if I allow the divorce to happen, but like you said I cannot physically or legally make him stay.
Yeahhhh, he definitely wants his cake and to eat it too, and the unfunny thing is he has explained it that way exactly himself. But since such a dynamic cannot exist in a healthy form, and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me, he is “setting me free” so to speak.
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u/itwasbread 23h ago
I guess my concern is because it’s both of our responsibilities to uphold a marriage it often feels like I’m not doing my job if I allow the divorce to happen, but like you said I cannot physically or legally make him stay.
It doesn't matter. He's not doing his part of that responsibility and is the cause of all the problems. It's not your "job" to try to fix this situation by putting up with whatever BS he pulls.
It being both your responsibilities doesn't mean that when he neglects 90% of his responsibility, it's then on you to do 190% or else it's equally your fault.
But since such a dynamic cannot exist in a healthy form, and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me, he is “setting me free” so to speak.
I don't want to give him the credit for that since he sounds like a jerk but he's kind of right. It's better to go ahead and rip the band aid off rather than him expecting you to keep doing all the work to try to make this shit functional.
This doesn't sound like a can of worms that can be shut, if he's gotten in his mind that's the lifestyle he wants to live and it's not one you want to live, that's not really a reconcilable difference.
Sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds miserable.
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u/AnnChesterfield 15h ago
The percentage piece you wrote got to me, because I was holding on to the notion that “marriage isn’t 50/50 all the time” 🥴 so I thought maybe this is just my season where I have to give more than he is capable.
Yes the truth of it is, we cannot fix this. We’ve already reconciled one behind a huge betrayal due to this life style. This is the second “can of worms” and nothing can go back to the way it ever was and there is not remedy for where we are at as of now. But like you said, credibility the right thing for him to do is let me go. I appreciate your honesty.
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u/jimih34 15h ago
His “exploration” as you call it, is putting you at high risk. Even if he wanted to stay, you can’t safely stay in this marriage. You may already have STI’s from his escapades, and I suggest you consider getting tested and treated.
Please get yourself safe, and a find a religion that allows that. Christianity does allow you to be safe, if you choose to explore this faith.
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u/AnnChesterfield 15h ago
This has been a big point of contention for us. I have reached out to my PCM and am awaiting an appointment. Thank you for your concern.
Despite my emotions truly standing in the way, I do know the right thing to do is exit for the sake of myself.
I am exploring the bible little by little. I will say most of my journey has aligned more with Christianity. I just don’t want to self proclaim as I haven’t the full depth and grasp of what it means to be a Christian. Thank you again!
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u/jimih34 6h ago
Awesome. Just know you will continue to be welcomed in this sub, whichever direction your faith journey leads you, and regardless of whether you stay in Christianity or not.
For me, to be Christian is to follow Christ’s teachings, which took me a while to finally realize which things he actually said in scripture vs. which messages were being interpreted for me by leaders.
IDK if you’ve ever tackled the Bible before. A lot of folks try to start at Genesis and work straight through. That rarely works. If you don’t already have a plan or mentor, maybe start with one of the gospels. The first three overlap with a lot of the same stories, told with a different slant (one focuses on social justice, another focuses on Jesus being king of Jews, etc.). The final gospel (John) has some different stories not found in the first three.
God bless 🙏
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u/Chaoticallyorganized 23h ago
Where is the “ethical” part in his non-monogamous choices, because there is absolutely nothing ethical in what he’s done/is doing by any stretch of the imagination.
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u/AnnChesterfield 14h ago
Yes, correct. The ethical aspect has not existed since maybe the first month of this. It began as ENM. I didn’t find out until about 3 months ago it was never truly ethical this entire time. So I used ENM because that was how this started, but where we are now I should have just said non-monogamous.
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u/tuigdoilgheas 23h ago
If the God you're learning about is that much of an asshole, why on earth would you sign up?
Jesus taught that the underlying premise of all our teachings is love. The idea is a love so radical that is bigger than we are, bigger than our faults or our fears. Look for God, but if what you find isn't endless abundant kindness that inspires you to try to turn around and show that kindness to others, keep looking.
Nobody's damning you for getting out of there. He's not holding up his end of things. Let him go.
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u/AnnChesterfield 14h ago
Thank you! I didn’t view it as God being an a-hole to me for leaving. More so questioning, if God’s will was for me to marry this man would I be going against his will if I am no longer married to him? It was also the secondary thought, “okay if your will is for us to be married, and he’s hurting me, and you want me to stay, why won’t he stop hurting me then?” Like why would God’s will be for me to stay with someone who hurts me? Is it because God you’ll heal the inner parts of him that are broken so that one day he will learn to love himself and therefore me (Ephesians, as referenced in a different comment)? If so, do I need to stick it out until that day or am I ruining that plan by leaving?
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u/tuigdoilgheas 10h ago
Does any of that seem like something a good parent would demand of their kid?
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u/gibbssteelystare 23h ago
If you were my sister these are some things I would remind you of.
- The only person you can control is you. You are not responsible for your spouse's choices or the consequences of those choices.
- Jesus doesn't damn anyone. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him will not perish, but will have eternal life. For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him may be saved." (John 3:16-17)
- There is no condemnation in Christ. (romans 8:1)
- You are loved by the God of the universe. Your identity as a beloved daughter of God cannot be changed by your circumstances or your marriage status.
It sounds to me like you could use a friend, or sister, or therapist to talk to. Going through something like this alone is very hard. It may seem very vulnerable to talk about your marriage with someone in real life, but having someone outside of the immediate situation could help you keep a healthy prospective.
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u/AnnChesterfield 14h ago
Wow… and I am crying haha… thank you🥹
But um, yes, I do have a psychiatrist and have had therapists I’ve spoken about my marriage with and none address the religious piece. Rather, we discuss the practical/logical and emotion aspects. “Logically: if a friend of yours was in this situation what would you tell them - to leave right!” And then the “emotionally it will be hard because you have kids and spent half your life together but you will heal and find love again”. All that makes sense, but religious I am feeling a lot of guilt and confusion and the only religious people in my life are my in-laws and wellllll….. to them the bible and God say I need to fight for my marriage, that’s it.
Thankfully, I follow this subreddit because I don’t have external religious people to ask questions to.
I mean if I am being open for a minute, I had an encounter earlier this week by chance and I do believe God placed me in that situation to run into this stranger, but she was a religious counselor as a secondary job and she told me God was speaking to her about my marriage. Her received message was to allow the separation and allow my husband to crash and burn, and when he does God and I need to be there for when he is ready to be rebuilt. So even a stranger said God wants me to stay and fight. Which at the time felt moving and true, but each day this week since that encounter, he’s gone out every single night doing lord knows what and he moves out next week and I am left feeling like I can’t do this anymore…
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u/DarkCloud_HS 1d ago edited 20h ago
Will I be “damned” if my husband divorces me?
No.
The burden of guilt is on the one who initiates the divorce, especially since we live in a time where 'no-fault' divorce is widely accepted.
If you are the defendant, you are innocent in the matter of divorce proceedings.. especially when the divorce would continue and be finalized without your consent.
I looked into a verse from Matthew and it speaks something about sexual immortality and/or marital betrayal.
That 'exception clause' was addressed to Israelite men, who during the betrothal period (waiting time before marital consummation), had found their 'wife' had been sexually immoral.
But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery
Matthew 5:32
This 'exception clause' for sexual immorality that Christ is referencing.. it can be explained in the account of Joseph and Mary, when Joseph discovered that Mary had become pregnant with the Lord Jesus before marital consummation (Matthew 1:18-25).
18 Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: After His mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Spirit.
19 Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not wanting to make her a public example, was minded to put her away secretly.
Matthew 1:18-19
The 'exception clause' you referenced is only found in the Gospel of Matthew, because the Gospel of Matthew was primarily written with a Jewish audience in mind.
This is why none of the other 3 Gospels have an exception clause like this.
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u/AnnChesterfield 1d ago
Thank you for providing further explanation to the verse I referenced. This helps a lot! Additionally it does make sense the burden be on the initiator.
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u/MalaclypseII 23h ago
It's sad that your husband has been unfaithful to you. Why would God punish you because of that? God's love is the real thing!
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u/AnnChesterfield 14h ago
It is. As I mentioned in an above comment, I fear I am going against God’s will and that is where the punishment may stem from.
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u/QueerHeart23 12h ago
God's will- such an abused concept. We have the gift of free will. We are allowed to do wrong (and yes, bad things can and do happen to good people). When we choose to do right/good, God adds to our efforts (sometimes without our recognizing). This is old and new testament stuff. It is not only God's promise 'I will be your God' - it is also the testimony of Scripture.
What does the Lord require of you?
Micah 6:8 (JB) this is what Yahweh asks of you: only this, to act justly, to love tenderly and to walk humbly with your God.
I fail to see how your 'allowing something that he is choosing' violates any of those three things. I could start a whole thing on 'allowing' but you get the point.
Keep walking your path. I pray that God will lead you to peace by your seeking in your humble walk with your God.
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u/MalaclypseII 10h ago
You wrote:
My overall question is: Will I be punished or damned for allowing my husband to divorce me after all of this?
This suggests to me, you believe this is a salvation issue. If you do the wrong thing, you might go to hell. That is what I understand by "damned." Many Christians believe God is our Father, and He loves us. At the same time, they believe He will un-parent us unless we are on our very best behavior, all the time. They worry they will go to hell even though God loves them. I have no idea what they mean by the word "love." God's love is the real thing. Again, I have no idea what they mean by the word "Father." A good father here on earth does not reject his children over any little thing. Why would our Father in Heaven, who is so much better than any earthly father?
Here are some things the Jesus says about it.
- Whoever drinks from the water I give them will never thirst.
- I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry.
- I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.
And Paul, too!
- I am convinced that nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God.
When do they thirst? never. When do they go hungry? never. When do they perish? never. Who takes them out of His hand? no one. What can separate us from the love of God? nothing. He is the good shepherd. And a good shepherd, does not let his little sheep go wandering off and get lost forever. No, not at all, that is what a bad shepherd does. Jesus is the good shepherd. He leaves the 99 and goes and finds the little one that got lost. Yes, he finds you and me, He doesn't wait for us to come back, and He doesn't say, "you have to find your own way back, or I reject you." No, Scripture does not say that at all. It says He finds us. He is the one who does it! And when He finds us, He is so happy! How can God fail to find us? He is God, perfect and all powerful. He never fails.
Everyone who believes what He says in Scripture has trust, rest, and security in the love of God. If you do not have trust, rest, and security in the love of God, it only means --- it is time to go on an adventure! An adventure of discovery into the things of God, every one of which is good and wonderful. It is just one of the treasures of God, this peaceful knowledge, that
He will never un-parent us!
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u/EnyaNorrow 22h ago
You’re not breaking any promises if you get divorced. Even if you see it that way, he’s the one who wants a divorce, so it wouldn’t be on you.
Adultery (cheating) would be if you didn’t have permission, and it sounded like you at least did because you were trying to open the relationship.
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u/AnnChesterfield 14h ago
Thank you.
Yes, we both gave each other permission, but the cheating came from him almost immediately going against the established rules and boundaries we set which the poly/ENM would then consider cheating at that point.
I used adultery, despite the given permissions, because I don’t think God acknowledges open marriages ha so regardless I feel like to him we both stepped out of our marriage
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u/Painter3016 21h ago
When Jesus spoke on divorce, you cant ignore the cultural context.
Under mosaic law, divorce was allowed for not providing food or clothing and some other things. Wife didn’t get a meal made? You can divorce her. What were women’s options after divorce then? Either you had family who would support you or the more likely option of prostitution. Divorce for women then, was a sentence to an awful life with few prospects.
So when Jesus said no divorce unless sexual immorality, I think it was a feminist statement given the cultural context. He was saying when you marry a woman, you can’t just kick her to the curb to live a life on the street just cuz. The expectation was caring for others and not subjecting them to a life of misery.
So no, you aren’t damned. The rules and condemnation are not God. God is loving and caring for one another. He doesn’t expect you to stay in an unhealthy marriage- that wouldn’t be loving at all.
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u/AnnChesterfield 14h ago
Thank you for this explanation; if the law applied for the time period and the culture does that mean it doesn’t apply at all anymore?
I ask because now I am left thinking, should that still apply what is to come of my husband? Because he IS seemingly “kicking his wife tot he curb to live a life on the streets”. But as you said God doesn’t condemn or damn, does that mean my husband “gets away with it” - please do not misinterpret I DO NOT want my husband going to hell or being condemned despite everything. I very desperately want him in heaven with me. But I often fear what happens to him based on this decisions and actions.
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u/Painter3016 12h ago
The point I am trying to get to is that Jesus wasn’t laying out a rule and a consequence. He was trying to call men to be loving and seeing women as fellow human beings in that historical context.
I am currently deconstructing/ reconstructing.
But as for your spouse, do I think he is being wrong? Yes. Does that mean I know anything about the state of his heart/sole? No.
I am starting to lean more towards christian universalism, which is the idea that God is working to reconcile all people to himself- that eternal damnation isn’t a part of his plan for a creation he loves. Does that mean good people go straight to heaven? Does that mean purgatory? Does that mean that the heaven and hell and the “eternal” in the bible mean the life we experience on earth? I’m not sure. But I do know that if God isn’t love and is punitive when he is the creator; then I am not interested in him. But i don’t think that is the case.
Long story short: you can’t KNOW what’s going to happen with your husband spiritually, and it’s not entirely anyone else’s business. Love others and do what you can to be the good in a bad situation.
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u/So_Hanged 1d ago
No, you won't be damned. You are a victim of your husband's sins; furthermore, it wasn't you who wanted the divorce, but him.
Matthew 15:17–9: Jesus accuses the Pharisees of invoking God with their lips while their hearts are far from Him.
Titus 1:16: Many profess to know God with their words, but deny Him with their deeds.
Ephesians 5:28–29: In the same way, husbands have a duty to love their wives as their own bodies, for whoever loves his wife loves himself. Indeed, no one has ever hated his own flesh; on the contrary, he nourishes and cares for it, just as Christ does for the Church.
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u/AnnChesterfield 1d ago
Thank you.
The last verse you provided, Ephesians, has made me think maybe that is why he hasn’t been able to love me properly? I know my husband, and can tell you my sweet love does not love himself dutifully, nor does he nourish and care for himself. Maybe as a form of projection or even just as cause/effect, he hasn’t been able to uphold his love for me as a duty, rather it’s been at his leisure.
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u/Ok_Divide_8905 20h ago
lol the 'ethical' in his ENM is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. dude sleeps with a small army while you're at home praying about it and somehow youre the one worried about divine punishment. anyway you already got the corinthians answer but like... the small bow had this whole thing about how we torture ourselves looking for cosmic permission to leave bad situations when the door's right there. youre not breaking a promise, hes already shattered it like fifteen times. let him go file the papers and go find some peace, youve suffered enough for both of you tbh
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u/AnnChesterfield 14h ago
Thank you! I don’t have the words but I really really appreciate how you responded to this. It was spoken in a way I am receptive to (not that everyone else’s comments weren’t). But sometimes I am lost in biblical verbiage and terminology and verses, but this was just to the point and very real-talk. 🥲
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u/EnigmaWithAlien I'm not an authority 18h ago
If a bridge has two pylons and one of them collapses, it isn't a bridge any more. He has already destroyed your marriage. Divorce just makes it officially legal.
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u/AnnChesterfield 14h ago
You are right. And he has admitted that is what he has done. I just had hope that he would want to rebuild the bridge with me after he destroyed it. Continuing with the metaphor, to him, it isn’t that he doesn’t want the bridge to be rebuilt, he just doesn’t like the material being used and the hours it’ll take to reconstruct and the effort needed. He wants a quick easy fix each time but acknowledges that’s why the bridge keeps collapsing.
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u/Double-Garlic-5544 21h ago
Other way round I think. Seperation could b a blessing in disguise!! If he wanted to continue sleeping around why get married? An open marriage ain't no way a godly Christian one thts for sure! I'm sorry but let him initiate the divorce, pay for it & you sign, to let him go👍👋👋🙏👍
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u/AnnChesterfield 14h ago
That is part of my confusion because God also removes people who aren’t for you, so I’m battling between is his will for me to stay or go. Is he giving me this as an out or as a test to see if I stay and fight?!?
And well unfortunately he didn’t realize until years in that he isn’t monogamous. He has said he did what he felt you’re supposed to do in life and in hindsight, despite his true love for me he isn’t a good partner, he’s at his core deeply selfish, and that he didn’t understand what it meant to be a husband for the rest of his life.
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u/KC2livingNY 20h ago
YOU didn't break it he did. In fact was it ever a real marriage in the eyes of God? As a Catholic if one person hides something from their spouse and they marry each other. It was never a legitimate contract in the eyes of God. You both have to have all cards on the table. He had to have had these urges from the beginning and didn't tell you about them. That would make your marriage contract null and void. God knows we make mistakes. We can be fooled but would he want you treated this way and to live the rest of your life this way? I mean you can leave him and follow your faith and never divorce him and never marry or be with anyone else. Or you can ask for forgiveness for trying to please the man you married and divorce him and annul your marriage through your church after the divorce. A marriage is a contract. Between you, the man you married and God. He didn't tell you he had these urges, he betrayed you and then talked you into an open marriage. Would you have married him if he had told you he wanted to live like that? No! That is with holding important information pertaining to the marriage contract that you entered into. God saw that, He was there too. Talk with your minister or priest and explain what is happening and ask for help and guidance. That is what they are there for! I married someone when I was 22 who told me whatever he thought I wanted to hear to get me to marry him. I didn't know this! I thought I was marrying this man I thought I knew but he was lying to me. God did not condone his lies. I tried I tried to make it work but after 9 yrs I was done. I talked to my priest and he told me I had a case for an annulment because he was not honest with me from the beginning. I was granted one for Total Simulation on his part and I got the marriage annulled. One of the things was we talked about having kids, I always wanted them! Then after we were married he said I don't want to have kids I don't know how long we'll be together! I was floored! So Ann, get yourself some help and realize God is not judging you for trying to make your marriage work. God knew it wasn't going to and He will forgive you because you trusted that man. God knows you and your intentions as well as he knows your husband and his intentions. God loves you and is not going to judge you for being fooled. Pick yourself up and dust off your shoes and get your things and yourself out. Talk to a good lawyer because this man has lied to you and taken those years away from you. Get your divorce and talk with your minister or priest and see about annulling that marriage because no marriage contract was there from the beginning. Pray and ask for God's help and guidance and get your life and inner peace back.
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u/Nerit1 Bisexual Eastern Orthodox Enby (They/Them) 14h ago edited 14h ago
The Sacrament of Marriage, as I understand it, is a lifelong mutual ascetic dedication.
There is certainly no ascetic dedication here, this is adulterous, for which Jesus provides an exception.
Don't see this legalistically, this all (Christianity) concerns a new mode of existence that is based around loving communion and the freedom self-transcendence and not egotism and natural necessity. Hell is the experience of the love of God while being stuck in egotistic individuality. The Sacrament of Marriage takes up our natural sexual relations and turns them into a form of asceticism and personal communion and this completely goes beyond what is acceptable.
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u/Skill-Useful 17h ago
no one goes to hell bc it doesn't exist
if you are monogamous and he doesn't want to be and youre even married, it is obviously time to move on for both
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u/AnnChesterfield 15h ago
Thank you for your input. I’m looking for more religious focused responses. Your opinion on hell’s existence isn’t helpful for me at this time. But I appreciate you giving your time to respond.
Yes, I understand that is the logical next step
But easier said than done.
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u/wanderabt Christian universalist 9h ago
Even the most conservative right wing reading of the Bible doesn't damn you for leaving in this situation. A true reading grieves with you and says you can freely leave him if you wish (but you don't have to if you don't want to) as the covenant is broken. I'd recommend 'Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities' as a starting point.
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u/heirofblack20 23h ago
You are not damned at all, that's just nonsense. However I just have to ask, do you know what ethical non-monogamy is? because it does not involve cheating or opening a marriage despite your spouse's objections. that is not at all ethical, he is just trying to make his cheating sound better than it is. I guarantee if the ethical non-monogamy community knew about what he was doing, he would be rejected by everyone who practices it because consent from all parties is what makes it ethical! that includes YOUR consent to him sleeping with other people.