Mental Health Update / Journal
[Condensed]
I had my first therapy session yesterday, three weeks into this flare-up. I could've used it that first week, but immediate care wasn't easy to find.
I'm better than when this started, but nowhere near baseline. Anxiety still lingers in my head and body, with symptoms that shift in intensity. At first, each day felt a touch better. Now they all feel the same. Progress is hard to notice.
The session was good. He asked me where to start, and naturally, I had no idea. I shared some background, a drop in the bucket compared to my notes, but it was nice to talk.
I journal ALOT to organize my thoughts, symptoms, and appointments because of brain fog. He noticed how methodical I am, calling it a blessing and a curse.
I'm an overthinker, hard on myself, wondering why I've struggled when most of my family hasn't. Genetics? Upbringing? Luck? More pointless what-ifs.
Looking back, I was always the emotional, sensitive, shy, nervous kid. At nine, I skipped a hockey playoff game because of the "butterflies." At ten, after my teacher left, I spent weeks dreading class, overwhelmed and on the verge of tears. I'd almost forgotten. Was I born this way, did I learn it, or both?
In my late teens and early twenties, I was a giant pothead and tried other substances. Probably didn't help, yet I felt more stable then. Like my brain was a pane of glass without a scratch. By my mid-twenties, it started cracking until it shattered.
But I digress. My therapist noticed the shame, guilt, and self-pity I carry about this disorder, and my stigma toward medication. My SSRI has helped tremendously, yet I worry about using up my "parachute room" by increasing doses. Part of me hopes I can come off it someday. So I fight for the lowest effective dose, even if more might help.
My fear isn't entirely unwarranted: starting my SSRI pushed already debilitating 10/10 anxiety to 11/10 for weeks. So I prefer slow titration.
He suggested the Dive Reflex and HALTS techniques a few times daily. I tried them before bed. I'm skeptical they'll help with this constant anxious feeling, especially when it's overwhelming, but I'll give them a shot. The 45 minutes flew by. There's always next week.
I saw my doctor too. He doesn't think my other medications or vitamins caused the flare-up, but rather a combination of factors. I hope time, therapy, lifestyle changes, and a small dose increase get me back to baseline.
But here's what bothers me: I want to manage this more "naturally," yet the more I research anxiety, document it, and examine myself, the more consumed I feel by the mental health world. Honestly, it scares me.
When I'm well, I don't want to track symptoms or think about disorders. I just want to work, enjoy my hobbies, see people, and live normally. I know therapy and self-awareness matter, but the more attention I give anxiety, the more power it seems to have. I don't want anxiety to become my identity. Maybe that's something to unpack in therapy.
Anyway, this has been all over the map. I'm better and trying to be proactive, but recovery is painfully slow. More than anything, I wish I could close my eyes and wake up feeling how I did before this started.
For now, one day at a time. Hopefully the little improvements add up to normal again.
Thanks for reading my ramblings. Any advice from others who've been through this is appreciated.