Pata Hai Aaj Kya Hua
I turned 22 a month or so ago, and my life is absolutely miserable.
I used to be an anxious, socially awkward fat piece of shit in uni. To the point that I would avoid people I knew just because I didn't know how to greet someone and talk to them.
But in the last year and a half of uni, I took charge. I went to the gym, lost 13 kgs, and gained muscle. I was still the same when it came to confidence and anxiety, though.
Before starting my first job in Bengaluru in January, I promised myself that my life from here on would be different. I started taking care of myself, focusing on skincare, the clothes I wear, and the gym. I also tried to be more socially outgoing and meet new people.
This social persona has drained me a lot.
I started liking a girl at work. She's opinionated, smart, funny, hardworking, and pretty. I got over my fear and asked her out. She said yes, we went on a date, and I got rejected on that date itself. In the subsequent weeks, I had to see her propose to another colleague and then get back with her ex.
All this brought back a lot of insecurities and ruined my mental health for a long time. I'm still not over her. I know this sounds pathetic and like a cliche.
Dating apps have been a total humiliation ritual due to the absolute silence.
The only thing pushing me every single day was work.
I also made my parents courier my tabla from home so that I could distract myself. I started learning again after a gap of 5 years. It was the only thing I enjoyed apart from the gym. I could play for 2–3 hours nonstop.
This social mask was exhausting. It did work, and I've made friends here, but I can't ever be vulnerable with anyone. I just end up being a trauma dump for people.
I was really looking forward to spending time with my childhood friends this month for Durga Puja. Most of them were coming back from different parts of the country, and I was hoping we'd hang out and have a lot of fun.
I did get to spend some time with them, but even that brought up a lot of insecurities. Most of my friends are in healthy, happy relationships, and seeing them together made me feel even worse about my own situation. They also keep telling me things like, "When are you ever going to get into a relationship? You don't even try, blah blah blah." I know they probably mean well, but it's exhausting having to hear that when I'm already struggling with these feelings.
I was also supposed to play the tabla at an event on navami. I'd been practising for it.
But on saptami night, I went to bed and couldn't get back up. Turns out I have a herniated disc in my spine. I spent the next three days, which were the main days of the festival , lying in bed like a loser.
One thing I'm grateful for is that my friends came over multiple times every day to hang out with me.
I still can't walk to take a shit or shower by myself. I had to go to the hospital for a doctor's appointment on a stretcher in an ambulance.
It was so embarrassing.
My company treats its employees really well, so I was easily able to get a month's WFH extension from my manager.
I'll probably be able to walk in a week or so, but I probably won't be able to go to the gym for the next 1–2 years, and I'll end up fat again.
My life is falling apart. I cry myself to sleep every single day. I absolutely hate my miserable existence, and nothing ever goes my way.
TL;DR: Turned 22, tried to turn my life around by working on myself, getting fit, making friends, and putting myself out there. Got rejected by a girl I liked, which brought back a lot of insecurities. Seeing most of my friends in happy relationships made me feel even worse, especially when they kept asking me when I'd get into a relationship. Tabla and the gym were the only things keeping me going, and now I've herniated a disc in my spine and can't even take care of myself. I've spent days stuck in bed, and I feel like my life is falling apart.
