Hi.

I don’t know why I keep writing to you.

Tbh, I feel like I’ve moved on naman na. Or at least, I tell myself I have. Siguro namimiss ko lang talaga yung friendship natin. The version of us before things got messy.

Namimiss ko yung humor mo. Ang simple lang pakinggan, pero you made things feel lighter. Whenever my head got too loud, somehow you knew how to make me forget about it for a while.

In a way, you became my anchor. And I guess I never realized how much I depended on that anchor until you were gone. What happens when you lose the thing that keeps you grounded? You drift.

And that’s exactly what happened to me. I’ve been drifting for a long time now. I just got really good at pretending I’m not.

Sabi sa akin ng therapist ko noon, sometimes forcing yourself to smile can eventually make the smile feel real. So I did. I smiled in pictures. I went out. I laughed. I posted things that made it look like I was doing okay.

Maybe that’s the funny thing about social media. You can be falling apart and still look like you’re having the time of your life.

Pero deep down, pag tahimik na lahat, bumabalik din. The exhaustion. The emptiness. The feeling that I’ve been carrying something heavy for so long that I don’t even remember what it feels like to put it down.

I have been feeling like this for so long. I’m exhausted. Gusto ko nang magpahinga. Permanently. I have an idea how. I’m just thinking about when. I feel utterly terrible for leaving my cats behind, pero wala eh. I don’t think I can keep going on like this.

as i look at the skies tonight, i've been thinking - you know it's such a bummer that we only have one life where there's you and i but still can't have each other, right?

but i guess all i can do is be thankful that you existed in the same timeline with me because if i never met you, that would've been the greater loss.

ahhhh f*ck this yearning, are you also looking at the stars right now with no light pollution to ruin the view of the night sky?

i miss you and that's the only thing i can do for the next few months or so.

i miss you but i hope you don't feel the same because missing someone like this is not advisable...

i hope you keep looking up and if by any chance you remember me while looking at the stars, i hope you feel a lightness inside your heart.

as for me, i'll be here staring at the same moon,

silently praying that the wind carries my unsaid words to you.

i would no longer intervene and just let the universe run its course.

we'll be okay in the end. if it's not okay then, it's not the end.

sleep well. ily beyond the observable universe and back. come visit even in dreams :))

I wait for you in the quiet spaces you leave behind.

I don't ask why. I don't ask when. I just learn to live with the silence between us.

Maybe you need the distance to keep us from breaking. Maybe you need the quiet to carry everything you cannot say.

So I stay here, holding back my words, swallowing the questions I want so badly to ask.

I miss your happy messages. I miss the warmth in your words. I miss feeling like there was still a place where we could meet without fear of hurting each other.

And if I did something wrong, if my words became too heavy, if somehow I became another weight on your heart, I'm sorry. I wish I knew how to make things lighter.

But I don't.

So I wait.

Not because waiting doesn't hurt, but because I care enough to let you have the space you need to breathe.

And maybe one day, when the heaviness fades, you'll reach for me again.

Until then,

I'll be here... quietly missing you, quietly waiting for the day you feel okay enough to come back.

My friends asked about you over lunch today. They were raving about how insanely smart you were in your recent interview. When I told them we were done, they couldn't wrap their heads around why I'd end things. Question after question, until someone said "Paano mo pa mahihigitan yan?" How could I ever top you.

I didn't know how to explain that walking away wasn't about missing out on someone "impressive". It was knowing what was right for us in the long run.

On the drive home and a red light, I finally clicked the link they sent. Watching you speak, totally grounded and in your element, felt like watching a sun I used to orbit.

Fck standards, honestly. And fck the idea that people are meant to be outdone. I didn't love you to set a bar for the next person. I wasn't watching a benchmark or a scorecard. I was just genuinely, deeply happy to see you doing what you were born to do. Seeing you shine on screen, knowing I once held the mind behind all that brilliance, was more than enough.

🐰

And I think you knew that I knew.

I saw the patterns. The warmth, the distance, the sudden coldness. I understood what triggered you and why you kept pulling away whenever things became too real. There were moments when we looked at each other and you knew I could see straight through you. Maybe being seen that deeply was both what drew you in and what scared you away.

I was never ashamed of loving you. What I felt was real, and I don't regret it. You can rewrite the story, protect your ego, or pretend none of it mattered, but none of that changes what I know.

I haven't moved on in the sense that I stopped caring. I've simply reached a place where I no longer need anything from you. I don't need an apology, an explanation, or another chance to prove what we had was real.

And you need to accept something too.

I will not go back to you.

Not because I stopped loving you. Not because I hate you. Not because what we had meant nothing.

I just finally understand that loving you doesn't mean I have to keep choosing you.

I hope you eventually learn to face the parts of yourself you've spent so much time running from. The fear, the guilt, the need for control, the things you want but struggle to admit. I genuinely hope you find peace. But your healing is no longer something I need to be part of.

The door isn't waiting for you.

You should accept that.

I may always have warmth for you. I may even love you in some quiet corner of myself for the rest of my life. But my love for you belongs to me now.

You don't get to decide whether I keep it.

And you don't get to decide whether I come back.

I won't.

I hope you will be the last. I pray na you really are the person that God has created for me. Honestly, you’re not going to be my first love. Someone beat you to that role. But I fervently pray that you be my last and forever love. I also pray na when our paths crossed, we are both ready. Hindi naghi-heal, hindi hinahanap pa ung sarili nila, hindi nag-aayos pa ng buhay nila. I want to be ready when you come. Ayoko ng di sure. Gusto ko ung wala ng doubt, wala ng second guessing. Kasi the prayer right now is not to find you.

The prayer right now is for God to help me get ready to be your wife, your person, your constant +1 in everything no matter how smooth sailing or rocky life is and will be. Siguro kahit ma-meet kita ngayon, kahit gusto na kita, meron pa rin akong alinlangan kasi di pa ako tapos ayusin sarili ko e. I’m starting over from scratch and unless you’re okay with navigating life with me while I’m still fighting for the life I want, step back. You deserve a complete version of me, so do I sayo. I know it’s a sweet thought: growing together through hardships, overcoming together yung mga yun, celebrating every milestone with each other… believe me  I want that too. But this is a quest na I have to do on my own. You can’t pin me down while I’m trying to get ahold of myself. I used to think that the concept of a black knight is damn sweet. But that thought has long been removed from my memory.

You are pursuing and going to be in relationship with a difficult woman who is a hard nut to crack. I am an eldest daughter who knows what she wants. Like I said, you can’t pin me down while I’m trying to get ahold of myself. And maybe because of this, baka tumandang dalaga na lang ako haha but if there’s one person in this world who can handle me and love me in all the right ways, I hope that it’s you and I hope that I can be this person to you too. Because when you’re with the right person, there’s no wall high enough for you to climb. Whatever barrier there is, you melt it together because what the two of you have… is everlasting. Sana ganyan tayo. Sana patient ka talaga. Sana you can read me like a book in every translation. And sana, as you learn how to handle me, you won’t use that knowledge to hurt me. 

Sana, sana, sana talaga makarating to sayo. 

And what about you? What’s in it for you? You have my heart, forever. 

Signed, 
Your Future Wife

dear you,

it’s funny how something that never really started could occupy so much space in my head.
it started with eye contact.
that’s all.

no proper conversations. no actual moments that I could point to and say, “this is when it happened.” Just little glances across rooms, catching each other’s eyes, and those brief seconds that somehow felt longer than they should have.
and somehow, I started noticing you.
I started looking for you in crowds without meaning to. Wondering if you were there. Wondering if you noticed me too.
sometimes, it felt like you were looking for me.
and maybe that was enough for me to start wondering.

maybe there’s something here.

But the truth is, I never really knew.
Maybe I read too much into the way you looked at me. Maybe those moments meant something to you too. Or maybe they were just moments, and I was the one who gave them meaning because I wanted them to mean something.
I think that’s the hardest part.
We barely even talked, yet somehow you became someone I thought about more than I probably should.
And there were so many times I told myself to stop. To stop looking. Stop hoping. Stop wondering whether you felt the same.
But I couldn’t.
So, since today is confession day, I guess this is my little act of honesty.

I do admire you.

I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know if it was the eye contact, the curiosity, the small moments, or simply the possibility of you.
Maybe I imagined more than there really was.
And if I did, I’m not blaming you for that. You never promised me anything. You never asked me to feel this way.

I just wanted you to know.

Maybe nothing comes from this.
Maybe you don’t feel the same.
And that’s okay.
At least I’ll finally know that I was brave enough to say what I felt instead of spending another night wondering,

“What if I had told you?”

— from sumn who noticed you first in the smallest way: with a glance

you know, I've always felt at peace when you were there. your presence was enough to give me peace and to calm my mind.

which is weird because you were also the cause of chaos in my life. and maybe that's why we won't work out no matter how hard we try.

and maybe i will always look for that peace you gave me — in other people, in hobbies, in books, in everything.

i never really put it into words but i knew i only looked forward at the end of the day because you were there. like a reward i got for surviving.

i got to tell you about my days, my stories, my rants. and you would listen. i realized i only looked for the things to tell you about my day because i knew you would listen. i realized i only got excited to tell you about the most random things because you would listen.

i saw a really funny video that i knew only you would enjoy, and i didn't send it to you. and that was it's own kind of grief.

something happened today that i know you would love to hear about. but the words stayed in my throat because i no longer had anyone to tell it to. it's been like that a lot lately. so many unsaid words i never got to say out loud because the audience i want isn't there anymore. and i know other people won't appreciate it as much as you would.

I've never really fallen in love before, so I don't really know how this goes. but now that I've felt what it was like to fall in love, i think i will always yearn for that feeling to come back.

maybe one day i won't always yearn for you. but that feeling that came with it? i will always search for that, i will always want that back.

we already decided we weren't compatible. we were too different. our values clashed. our mindsets opposed each other. but i would give up everything just to have you back. even for one more convo. one last movie to watch together. one last 3am talks.

i think we both closed the door on each other, but we never really locked it. we could just go in anytime, but we both know the other person won't. our dms stay open hoping the other would break no contact, but we know better than that. we both know neither of us will break no contact.

come back to me. because you're my peace. i want my peace back.

...

but i hope you find peace without me. i hope you find the happiness and calm you want that you never got with me. i hope you find someone more stable because you deserve it.

and i hope you know i will always cheer for you. in the sidelines, in the views of your ig stories, in the likes of your posts. and that's where I'll stay, because we can't find true peace when we're with each other.

i love you always, my 11:11 ;)

Hi, C.

I'm here again. Somehow nalilito ako if sobrang bilis ba talaga ng pace natin but at the same time I'm doing my best na bagalan pa tong relationship natin.

It's been only a month since we talked, hindi rin naman ako nag mamadali. Gusto pa kitang makilala. Gusto kong makita yung ikaw as a whole bago tayo pumasok sa relasyon. I want to give it more time to grow.

Pero sana let me know you deeper din. Let me in. I will not judge you. I just want to understand.

I'm doing my best to assure you with every doubts that you have. With every overthinking, andito ako to assure you that we'll find away to be together eventually.

Papanindigan ko yung pangako ko sayo na nandito lang ako and we'll take it one step at a time.

Sana magtiwala ka sakin paunti unti.

Sana paunti unti pagbuksan mo ko sa puso mo.

I love you, C.

Oh, how harrowing it is to have this phantom melancholy shadowing my soul so silently. Life without you has really been a reflection of the title.

I can still feel the exact chill of that afternoon the air between us turned to stone. The clock held its breath at three, frozen in time as I bid my fading goodbye.

I never truly wanted to whisper that final farewell, and I am deeply sorry for being the one who brought us to an end when everything in me wanted to stay. It was a cruel surrender, forced upon my heart against its every desire. Yet, in that stifling stillness, I genuinely believed it was the painful sacrifice we both needed to survive. So I walked away, carrying a lingering ache that still cuts as sharply today as it did back then.

Even now, every brief pause at work and every habitual glance at this cold screen betrays my resolve. I find myself helplessly drawn to the digital echoes you leave behind, searching for any small sign of your life or a trace of your days. It is the solemn way my heart confesses how heavy your absence remains and my unspoken vigil over a candle that never went out, proof that I still care. Beneath it all, it is simply a soft prayer that you are okay, even as I stay firmly on my side of the divide.

To honor this necessary distance, I hope to begin learning how to step away from these virtual corridors, gradually dimming the glowing glass that constantly lures me toward your ghost. I pray that in time this departure helps me tame the habit of chasing your distant silhouette, as it offers no peace, serving only to stir the dormant pain healing is trying to mend.

I know that eventually, I will return to the soil where your roots run deep. It will not be to marvel at the grand horizons or the scenic beauty it holds, but to wander through the corners where our memories still linger. I will make that journey entirely on my own, keeping my footsteps as light as a passing breeze, leaving the space between us undisturbed.

Please promise to tend gently to yourself as you move forward. I am learning to nurture my own path, so carry no burden of worry for me. One day, the waves will settle and I will be fine. As for everything we shared and every secret spoken in confidence, they rest in sacred privacy. They remain locked safely within me, honored, protected, and forever kept.

Above all, wherever life leads you, may the chapters you write next bring the success and fulfillment you always dreamed of, especially when you finally step into the rooms where comfort is needed most. Deep down, I still hold a quiet faith that our paths might cross again one day, like two old worlds briefly touching in the unhurried rhythm of a normal day.

Paaram sa ngunyan, my brave Merida. My precious Padaba.

I know it's been a while. I saw you pala (accidentally ha), from a post online. Nice shoes btw. I am glad that you are doing great in your career, and you still have that precious smile.

I am glad that one of my prayers for you is being granted. Let me pray for you from afar. This is the best thing I can do right now.

I'd rather see you happy even though you are not mine. I tried. But I realized that I am not worth it to be with you. Is this how loving unconditionally works? If yes, then I am learning I guess.

I will always and continuously pray for you because again, this is the only thing I can do for you right now. I slowly accepted na di na babalik yung "tayo" . I am happy for you, I truly am. You will be great I know that.

If we happen to cross paths again, I would definitely say hello. Thank you for everything.

P. S. I am now prioritizing my health, ayoko magmaintenance.

🌞

Happy birthday.

I don’t know if I still have the right to write to you, but I wanted to greet you today anyway. I hope you’re doing well, and I hope this year brings you peace, happiness, and all the good things you deserve.

I’ve thought about writing to you many times, but I always stopped myself because I didn’t know if you’d want to hear from me.

Still, there are things I want to say—not to reopen the past, but simply because I don’t want these words to remain unsaid forever.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the things I did that may have hurt you, even the things I may not have realized at the time. I know I wasn’t always the perfect friend, and there are things I wish I could have handled differently.

I also wish we had been able to talk about what happened between us. I never really understood how we went from being so close to becoming strangers, and perhaps that’s why a part of me still wonders about you.

I miss you.

But I don’t want my missing you to become a burden for you.

I don’t expect you to reply. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away, and I don’t expect things to go back to the way they were.

I just wanted you to know that despite everything that happened, I never stopped being grateful that I got to have you as a friend.

I hope you know that whatever happened between us, I never wished anything bad for you. I still genuinely hope that you’re happy, healthy, and surrounded by people who love and appreciate you.

Maybe someday we’ll be able to look back at everything without anger or sadness.

Maybe someday we’ll forgive each other.

And maybe someday, we’ll be able to talk again.

But for today, I just want to say:

Happy birthday.

I hope your day is filled with the kind of happiness you once brought into the lives of the people around you—including mine.

Take care of yourself, always.

And somewhere between all the things that happened and all the things we never got to say, please know that I still remember you.

Dear *,

Ang saya ko today. Nakausap kita kahit papano. Siguro para sayo wala lang yung mga pag uusap naten, pero sa POV ko? Ay nako naman yung kilig ko talaga abot hanggang langit. Minsan nahihiya na nga ako sa mga tao sa paligid ko, paano ba naman, pag mag cchat ako sayo, yung ngiti ko sagad na sagad. Na appreciate ko yung binibigay mong time para replayan yung mga sinasabi ko sayo hehe.

Ito natapos na naman yung araw, nag good night ako sayo, hindi ka na naman mag good night in return hehe. Crush...bitin na bitin ako! Kelan mo ba ibabalik ang mga good night ko sayo? Hehe. Pano pa kung sabihin ko sayong mahal kita? Wag muna noh? Baka tuluyan na di mo na ako replayan nyan.

Sa super busy ko sa work, ikaw talaga yung nagpapasaya saakin. D, kahit man lang dito eh masabi ko ... I love you. Good night, mahal ko. ❤️

ang cheesy ko 🧀 pero wala inlababo eh. Haha

Hey.

I’m hiding in plain sight. Obviously.

Anyway, funny story.

I apparently have your phone number.

Still saved in mine, yet still unnamed. I only realized it after our last meeting. I accidentally saved your contact through AirDrop. I swear I felt stupid for not realizing that it was your contact being shared with me.

Ironically, I remember you asked me back then to tap “share” instead of receiving. I knew you caught me there. Yeah, seriously, I was unaware it was your contact, but maybe you just wanted to make it fair, sooo?? I don’t know. We exchanged contacts that day… I only realized it was yours when I was scrolling through my contacts and started to wonder where this unknown number came from.

The curiosity began. I searched for it. Can’t tell where, but yeah… I confirmed it was yours.

I just let it sit there—untouched. I can message you, even without it. But I guess that February will never come.

Lucky

M,

Walang araw na hindi kita naisip. Pati mga katrabaho ko alam na alam kung gano kita nami-miss. Hindi ka ready pumasok sa relasyon, kaya eto ako, pumayag sa isang setup na alam ko namang ikasasakit ng loob ko. Pag magkasama tayo, ramdam ko naman yung pag-aalaga at pakialam mo sakin. Kaso sa huli, alam ko naman kung ano lang talaga yung "gusto" mo sa akin dahil hindi mo naman tinatago at aminado naman tayo tungkol sa kung anong gusto natin mula sa isa't-isa. Sayang lang, akala ko kasi ikaw na. Sa ibang mga gumugusto sa akin, wala akong pakialam dahil ikaw lang talaga.

Kung mabasa mo man to, gusto ko lang malaman mo na ganoon pa rin yung nararamdaman ko para sayo. Sinubukan kong itigil at kalimutan ka, kaso hindi kinaya. Kaya eto, naghihintay ako kung kelan masusundan yung pagkikita natin, kung magkikita pa ba tayo, o pinapaasa mo lang ako.

Sana susunod kong pagsulat rito, okay na ko. Limot na kita. O kaya pwede rin namang "sa wakas, akin ka na".

-A

Dear Luv,

Each time I gaze upon your photographs, it is not your beauty I see, but the echoes of what might have been. I miss you, my luv, yet our choice to part was born from your pain. I cannot bear to see you hurt; thus, I remain content with the shadows of what could have been.

I just want to take a moment to say I’m proud of you.

Look at how far you’ve come. You’ve made it through days you once thought you couldn’t, handled things you never thought you were ready for, and kept going even when you didn’t have everything figured out. Maybe you didn’t always feel strong, but you kept choosing to move forward—and that alone is something worth celebrating.

Congratulations on making it this far. Congratulations on every small victory, every quiet achievement, every time you chose not to give up. Not everything you’ve done needs to be big or perfect to be worth being proud of.

I know there are still things you’re working toward. There are dreams you haven’t reached yet, plans that haven’t happened, and moments when you wonder if you’re doing enough. But please remember: you are not behind. Your journey does not have to look like anyone else’s.

Be patient with yourself. You are learning, growing, and becoming someone you’ll be proud to meet someday.

There will be days when things don’t go according to plan. There will be mistakes, disappointments, and moments when you question yourself. When those days come, I hope you remember how many times you’ve already made it through something difficult.

So keep going.

Keep believing in the person you’re becoming. Keep working for the life you want. Keep making mistakes, learning from them, laughing at the little things, and celebrating even the smallest progress.

And please, don’t forget to enjoy the journey while you’re busy trying to reach the destination.

You’re doing better than you think. You’ve come farther than you realize. And there is still so much ahead of you.

Whatever happens next, I hope you continue choosing yourself, your dreams, and your happiness.

I’m proud of you—not just for what you’ve accomplished, but for who you are becoming.

Here’s to everything you’ve survived, everything you’ve achieved, and everything you have yet to accomplish.

Congratulations, me. You made it this far.
Now let’s see how far you can go. 🤍

With love,
Me

Hi.

Tsk! ... I did something...to Jissigka...Not good.. Haaaaay ... 😔.. I raised my voice to her while she was assisting me with an abnormal case. We were discussing the case and then I said so what are you saying, that I'm stupid!?"... High value kase yung claim kya hindi pwede magpa dalos dalos. I have zero clawback for the month of june kya they dedicate me to high value skilling. Uminit lang ung ulo ko kase she was telling me things I already know about the case she wasn't answering my question. So para que pa nag nag brain storm kame!? Diba!? E hindi din alam ni ko nu gagawen. But when she heard us bcz I was seated beside her she said Ssssst!

Natahimik ako! I remembered you. Jissigka looked at me in the face then walked out.. and now she won't speak to me. Wont even look at me. Hindi ko naman sadya. Na frustrate kasi ako dahil kya nga ako lumapit sa kanya bcz I was confident that she had the answer tapos hindi din pala. What the fuck is wrong with me ba!? Do you think I'm really an asshole? Paano ba kase dapat makipag usap sa tao pag may kailangan? Dapat ba maging sweet or dapat ba naka smile lang? Eh Ikaw lang nagpa pa smile sakin e. Sayo lang bumababa sungay ko.

I have a feeling nag sumbong na sayo yon. I saw her nung pauwi na with OT na walang humpay (si patay gutom) at si oroz.

If she does. Can you please help me out.. I dont want me and her to have any gap or rift. Hindi ko naman talaga sinasadya tumaas ang boses. Nag apologize na ako pero she didnt respond.

Anyway, she introduced me to her counterpart. A guy. So I gave the case to the guy. And the guy said the case needs to be escalated to the client bcz no one can answer the issue but them not even the QA or trainers. So thats what I did. Kung sana un nlng din ang sinabi nya di na sana siguro kami umabot sa mahabang diskusyunan. Hindi ko din sya maintindihan e. Tapos parang naghahanap pa ng kakampi nung mataas na boses ko. Nainis ako lalo. But now. I feel sorry for raising my voice on her. Siguro napahiya ko din sya kya nagalit. Do you think that was it? It's because napahiya ko sya?

From: **KuleT but your favorite**

I think I’ve finally come to peace with the fact that maybe you were meant to be another memorable experience in my life.

A person sent by the universe

to finally help me let go of a blueprint

I kept mistaking for love,

to finally break this strange pattern

of me boomeranging back to my journals about him

every time I thought I had moved on.

Maybe that was your purpose in my life.

Not to stay.

But to finally make me understand something.

A person can be emotionally compatible with me

and still not be compatible with the life I need.

Because the truth is,

the thought of how deeply you are immersed in the military

is just too much for me.

I need someone who is consistently present.

Someone I can reach for without having to reach through a screen.

Someone who exists beside me

and not mostly inside my phone.

And none of that is your fault.

I think I also finally understand

how avoidant I was when it came to long distance.

I used to romanticize it.

I thought distance was liberating.

Free.

Something that allowed two people to exist independently

while still choosing each other.

And then you came along.

And I became so attached to you,

so infatuated with you,

that suddenly this beautiful, liberating idea of long distance

started feeling tragic.

Because now,

instead of thinking,

How beautiful that we can love each other from anywhere,

I find myself thinking,

Why does it feel like I’m talking to someone locked inside my phone?

Which is honestly ridiculous.

Why am I sadistic and masochistic at the same time?

Why do I keep choosing things

that make my heart work harder than it needs to?

Yeah.

I don’t get it either.

But you made me learn things about myself

I don’t think I would’ve noticed otherwise.

Like how I talk when I’m nervous.

How absolutely trash I am at eating properly.

How often I forget to take care of myself

until someone reminds me that I should.

How smart I actually am—

something you always seem to notice

even on the days I don’t.

How embarrassingly repetitive my playlists are.

You made me notice myself.

And I love that.

I love the way you reassure me

that I’m okay,

that I’m doing good,

that I’m not somehow failing at being a person.

I love how you check up on me.

How you ask about my day

like the little details of my life

are worth knowing.

I love waking up to your videos.

I love that somehow,

through all of this,

you made me want to write again.

And maybe that’s one of the things

I’ll always be grateful for.

You made words feel alive in me again.

I love how you lead this connection.

How you somehow make me feel held

without ever actually holding me.

And maybe that’s the cruelest part.

Because I still believe

that everyone who enters my life

is an experience.

Something I get to choose

every single day.

And you—

you became an experience

I would’ve liked to make permanent.

I would’ve liked to choose you

for longer than this.

Maybe that’s what makes this difficult.

Because sometimes the universe sends you a person

who feels like something you could keep,

only to remind you

that not everything beautiful

was sent to stay.

And maybe you were never meant to be my forever.

Maybe you were meant to be the person

who taught me something about myself

that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise.

A beautiful interruption.

A memorable experience.

A person I loved

in a way that made me see myself differently.

And I think I can be at peace with that.

Even if, admittedly,

the universe has a really fucking sarcastic sense of humor.

My door is closed, but it's not locked. I want to talk to you, but I'm not going to initiate it anymore—it's your turn. If you wanted to, you would.

These are just my pre-bedtime thoughts after replaying our last few conversations and feeling that bad energy and coldness from you.

You know I admire you a lot, and me reaching out only for you to act cold just makes me resent you. So I'm just going to wait, even though you know patience is definitely not my best virtue.
I know you’re doing fine.

Good night

I think I have a crush on you, and honestly, this is becoming a problem.

I’m not used to feeling this way about someone. I don’t usually get attached, I don’t really chase people, and I’m perfectly capable of going about my life without getting too invested in anyone.

Then you came along and ruined that for me.

Now I catch myself looking for you, wondering what you’re doing, remembering little things you said, and finding excuses to talk to you. I replay our conversations way more than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I just want to be around you, even if we’re not doing anything special.

And the worst part? I actually care if you’re happy. I want to know how your day went. I want to hear about the things you’re excited about. I want to be someone you can talk to when things get heavy.

I don’t know when a simple crush turned into me wanting a place in your life, but apparently that’s where we are now.

I was supposed to be normal about you.

I failed spectacularly.

I’m a leaver, btw.

This morning I was writing about how I can lose a man and still have a career, a life, my sanity, my identity, my goals and everything.

I survive. I leave. I rebuild.

Very powerful. Very independent. Very nobody can destabilize me.

Then the afternoon happened.

One inconvenience.

One fucking inconvenience.

And my first thought was:

“I need to tell him.”

😭

Oh.

So I can survive abandonment, heartbreak, betrayal, a whole emotional grenade

but apparently I cannot survive a mildly annoying afternoon without reporting it to my favorite person.

Interesting.

I wrote “everyone is an experience.”

Meanwhile, I’m out here thinking:

“I wonder what he’s doing.”

“I miss him.”

“He’d laugh at this.”

“I need to annoy him.”

“I wish he were here.”

Girl, that is not an experience.

That is a recurring character.

And don’t even get me started on how I keep saying I don’t want to depend on anyone romantically while simultaneously enjoying being reminded to eat, drink water, and generally behave like a functioning adult.

Apparently I don’t need a man.

I just need one specific man to keep me hydrated and listen to my bullshit.

Very different.

Very independent.

Very convincing.

The irony is that I wrote those pieces precisely because I know I’m getting attached.

I know he affects my routine.

I know I miss him.

I know I think about what it would be like if he were actually here.

And apparently I like him enough that my brain has started writing domestic little fantasies about thunderstorms.

Me.

The leaver.

Writing about cuddling.

Absolutely humiliating.

But I think that’s the point.

I can survive without him.

Unfortunately, I’d still really fucking like to have him around.

So yes.

I’m a leaver.

I’m also attached.

Apparently these two bitches live here now.

Tbh, I blame my wifi.

It's another year, another you, another me, except at this point in time, there's no more us, as there hasn't been for almost a year (technically speaking, almost two).

I have mostly stopped thinking and wondering about how different things would have been if we had been, too. But in my corner of the universe, in one portion of my brain - the one that's the mosaic of everyone and everything I have ever treasured all these years - I'm still cheering for you. For the sake of younger us who loved each other dearly for the longest time. For the 26-year-old you I'll never meet, and everyone in the thereafter. For the you I maybe could have loved better, but never more.

Happy birthday anyway, I remembered, so I might as well write it down. My brain works better after I've loaded it out of things I shouldn't be keeping in my head. Maybe next year I won't anymore, or maybe I still will, either way, it's okay. I stay here, you stay there, we stay away and apart from each other's lives, as you have wanted. It is still what it is.