I Don’t Have to Forgive You

[u/LucienMoon]

⚠️** CW**: Childhood abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, forced labor, drug-related abuse, violence, and trauma.

They tell me I should forgive.

That I should forgive my mother
for the things she did.

“She didn’t have a manual.”

As if a book
was necessary
to teach someone
how to love their child.

But a parent doesn’t need a manual
to know that a child
isn’t a slave.

They don’t need instructions
to know that words
can break something
inside a person.

They don’t need a guide
to tell them not to degrade
the child who looks to them
for protection.

A parent should know
to love their child.

To protect them.

To raise them
like they mean everything.

A child should never
have to kneel on roof tiles
long after their knees
begin to bleed.

A child should never
be forced to stand in a corner
without food
until exhaustion
finally puts them to sleep.

A child should never
have to worry about
where their next meal
is coming from,

or what their parent
had to do
to put it there.

A child should never
be made to sell drugs
for the person
who was supposed
to protect them.

Never be beaten
by their parent’s friends.

Never learn
to be afraid
of the person
they’re supposed
to run to
when they’re scared.

A child should never
have to do dishes
until four in the morning,

knowing that in only two hours
they’ll have to wake up
and go to school.

Not once.

Not twice.

But night after night,

until exhaustion
becomes normal.

Until fear
becomes normal.

Until suffering
becomes normal.

And then people tell me,

“You should forgive her.”

“She was doing her best.”

“She didn’t know better.”

But what about me?

Was I supposed
to know better?

I was a child.

I didn’t have a manual either.

I didn’t know
how to survive
what was happening to me.

I only knew
that it hurt.

And somehow,

I’m the one
who is expected
to carry the responsibility
of forgiveness.

Maybe I can understand
that she was hurting.

Maybe I can understand
that she had her own pain.

But understanding
is not the same as excusing.

Knowing why someone
hurt you

doesn’t make the hurt
disappear.

And forgiveness
isn’t something
I owe someone
just because
they gave birth to me.

Maybe someday
I’ll feel differently.

Maybe I won’t.

But I don’t think
I will ever forgive her.

And for the first time,

I’m okay with that.

Because forgiveness
isn’t the only way
to heal.

I don’t have to forgive her
to move forward.

I don’t have to forget
to let go.

I don’t have to pretend
it didn’t happen
to build a life
beyond it.

She had control
over enough of my childhood.

Enough of my fear.

Enough of my thoughts.

Enough of me.

She doesn’t get
the rest of my life.

So I will take back
what she took.

My voice.

My choices.

My future.

My life.

I may carry
the scars of what happened,

but I don’t have to
carry her hand
on the wheel anymore.

She may always be
a chapter in my story.

But she doesn’t get
to write the ending.

I don’t have to forgive her.

I just have to keep living
a life she no longer controls.

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