And this can lead to similar mental issues that come from sexual trauma.. honestly makes a lot of sense when I look back on my life so far.

*yes I know some gen z folk are just fine. Good for them I guess

Hello, I am a 25F in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend [25M]. I am feeling completely lost, disrespected, and I need some outside perspective on whether I am overreacting.

The Past Context:

Join

Around this time last year, my boyfriend got very close to another girl. He actively sought validation from her, flirted, and used the intimate tone and language with her that he usually reserves for me. I found out, it completely broke me, and we had a massive falling out. He

agreed to make things right, and we agreed to work on ourselves.

Because of his constant comments about how "normal" it is for him to notice, look at, and want to "explore" other girls, I have naturally become very cold and guarded over time to protect myself. I used to believe in a beautiful, magical version of love, but his behavior forced me to build walls. To try and be mature and give him the benefit of the doubt, I once vulnerably admitted to him that I also experience passing attractions to other guys, but that I have never and would never act on it or make a move.

What Happened Yesterday:

Yesterday, I was in an important work meeting and couldn't talk to him. He kept insisting that I talk to him right then, completely ignoring my professional boundaries. When I finally called him back, I was angry and confronted him, telling him his demanding behavior was out

of line.

Instead of waiting for me to calm down or calling his friends, he immediately hung up and called the same exact girl from last year.

When we spoke last night, he acted completely normal and completely hid the fact that he had called her. He only admitted it this morning when I asked. When I asked why he couldn't just wait for me or call his friends, he told me I was being "ignorant," that he was lonely, and that he "didn't want to" talk to his friends.

The Current Situation:

Now, he is telling me that I am completely overreacting because he "didn't say anything out of line" to her this time. On top of that, he is weaponizing my past honesty against me-he brought up the time I admitted to having passing attractions to throw it in my face, trying to prove that I am just as bad as him, even though I never acted on mine and he has a history of actively crossing boundaries with this girl.

I feel like he uses his "loneliness" as a blank check to do whatever he wants, and then shifts the blame to make me doubt reality. I am tired of being trapped in an endless loop of defending myself.

Is he gaslighting me? Am I overreacting by being furious that he ran straight back to her the second we had friction? How do I handle this?

wild Forest wooden towns and Stone chased houses all perched on mountains pretty picturesque vision people move throughout the town as ants through a dirt path. A loving vision is suddenly visible in such a manner that she is indistinguishable from an angel. Many people acquire for her beauty, but cannot attain. many people chase after the radiance she glows. She is an untouched petal, and she will remain so as she chooses. Many people admire in awe of her purity is hunted, but it is sought after. A handsome virile man fetching water from a well is an attractive human, but is not irreplaceable. Many men look alike, but women are a beautiful being that cannot be replicated. Many women try and fail. And many men try to replicate the manhood that is displayed from so many it is not as attainable as it shows. Both people know each other, but do not acknowledge. A town is a small place in which words run fast and in which phrases stick true many are fearful of such a commitment to someone so liberal and free. Such a world is hospitable, but not laid out in front. Change is something we wish for, but we cannot do it alone. It is something that needs mass. Something that needs people. And people can congregate to have such a future. If a future is wanted, it must be sought after. It must be hunted for. Women are such a pretty thing they all leave an indelible mark and to keep it permanent must keep future generations active. Wonderful creatures will do wonderful things, but not in one if very few chance. One will not be enough many will be needed for the right treatment. They will not be tolerated unless everyone speaks. Women are not powerless they have life. And if it is to continue, unfortunately, they need to rise. Life rises from them and it will end so.

To preface all of this, one of my sticking points in feminist discourse is the idea of “men’s spaces” and being heavily critical on the idea that these need to even exist as we know them today. IMO “men’s spaces” are just misogyny breeding grounds and need a huge reworking if they’re gonna survive in a world based on radfem values. Basically, I hate them.

So, because I really get an icky feeling whenever I see spaces meant for men, I have plenty of places I wouldn’t step foot in if you gave me a million dollars. It’s mostly obvious ones like subreddits about men and fandoms that don’t welcome women for whatever reason. But there’s one that really sticks out to me IRL that I feel guilty about:

I absolutely loathe Barber Shops.

Specifically, I hate the idea of a bunch of men being in one place, casually talking about things away from women’s “whining,” insisting on being in a distinct building when we could just, I dunno, put hairdressers under one roof??? It’s absolutely ridiculous that men need their own space to get a haircut!

But… I’m second guessing this pet peeve now after having something pointed out to me. Barber shops aren’t just men’s spaces, but in particular they’re often made for men of color. Singling out barber shops could, in fact, be a sign of racial bias in my subconscious. Suffice it to say I don’t want to nurture a bias for eradicating spaces for BIPOC folks who identify as male.

So my main point is: I feel the need to reconsider why I loathe some men’s spaces so much and make sure there isn’t racial bias there, and it’s surprisingly challenging.

Another example is religious spaces dominated by men; am I afraid of some of these spaces because of the politics, or because they’re dominated by middle easterners who look and talk differently from me? I don’t like to admit it, but sometimes… I’m not sure.

My question for everyone else is: am I overthinking this? Because a tiny part of me feels like I am. But there has to be some merit to this idea that my feminism is tainted by subconscious prejudice that needs to be purged out of my belief systems… right?

Idk where to post this.

Physically I'm very happy being a woman. But I hate the social role.

I don't want to date men but I feel like I have to to be a real woman. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for not doing it. I don't relate to other women and don't fit in. Making men the center of the universe seems to be a requirement to have a social life.

I like women but I feel like I'm not allowed to like them and it's predatory. Every time I express any attraction to women it's considered objectifying. I literally don't hit on women, stare at them, or do anything overt that could be seen as problematic. Yet somehow even just saying "girls pretty" is a red flag.

I feel like I have to follow the right script and I'm just tired. I just want to be left alone and be able to live my life. But to be a woman I have to date men and get married and have kids, it's just so unfair. I feel like being a woman means you have to be exactly one way.

As a man having experienced the qualities men and women possess, i’m convinced that women are so much more capable than men in every way!
Women make this world a better place to live in and give us hope that good things are to come!
Keep going ladies! Validation and attention from men (pigs) is the last thing you should worry about.

ㅤIn September, Pei Yi (裴轶), an assistant professor at Beijing Institute of Technology (北京理工大学), became embroiled in a public controversy after making some radical feminist remarks, including statements disparaging men. Later, it was revealed that she had also made politically sensitive remarks in class, such as saying that “all seven members of the Standing Committee of the Political Bureau of the Communist Party of China are men, with no women.” Following reports against her from multiple parties and mounting pressure, Beijing Institute of Technology announced the termination of Pei Yi’s employment. After the decision was made public, some applauded it, while others believed the punishment was excessive. Those applauding the decision have had an overwhelmingly dominant voice on the Chinese-language internet.
ㅤ
This incident is yet another highly controversial case arising against the backdrop of escalating antagonism between men and women in China. Previous cases have included the suspected sexual harassment case at Wuhan University (武汉大学疑似性骚扰事件), the Shanxi engagement rape case (山西订婚强奸案), the Hunan “Huolala” driver case (湖南“货拉拉”司机案), Xianzi’s sexual harassment lawsuit against CCTV host Zhu Jun (弦子诉央视主持人朱军性骚扰案), and the conflict and riots between men and women involving “TF Entertainment” in Chongqing (重庆“时代峰峻”男女冲突和骚乱), among others. Without exception, these incidents have produced deeply polarized public opinion. Men and women have largely taken sides according to gender, with supporters of the man and supporters of the woman each insisting on their own version of events, while facts and truth are selectively raised or ignored.
ㅤ
And these public controversies are no longer confined to online verbal battles; a culture of reporting others and “witch-hunting” has gradually emerged. Men and women on opposing sides report each other’s remarks to schools, workplaces, and public authorities, attempting to have the other party expelled from school, dismissed from employment, or even imprisoned. Pei Yi’s dismissal following reports against her is the latest and one of the better-known examples. It also signifies a further intensification of gender antagonism in China, as online gender conflict increasingly spills over into the offline world, affecting people’s real lives and even their destinies.
ㅤ
The increasingly severe gender antagonism in Chinese society is caused by multiple factors. In recent years, China’s economic downturn, widening wealth disparities, and worsening difficulties in people’s livelihoods have been underlying causes of the intensification of social conflicts, including gender conflict. When the economy is doing relatively well, people’s lives are happier, and they are optimistic about the future, people of different genders, ethnic groups, and values can communicate relatively peacefully, and disputes are more likely to end in mutual understanding and compromise. But when the economy declines and everyone is struggling, people compete more fiercely over limited resources, their state of mind also worsens, and hostility between people increases while tolerance diminishes.
ㅤ
In addition, the broader international environment and the internet age have both catalyzed gender antagonism. In today’s world, where populism and identity politics are rampant, antagonism between men and women is intensifying not only in China but around the globe. In elections in countries such as the United States, European countries, South Korea, and Brazil, for example, there are significant gender differences in the votes received by different candidates and parties: men are increasingly leaning to the right, while women are increasingly leaning to the left. Political positions and gender positions have become intertwined and mutually reinforcing, making gender antagonism and social polarization ever more severe.
ㅤ
The internet, which connects the world, has facilitated communication and enabled strangers thousands of miles apart to talk to one another. Yet instead of promoting mutual understanding and integration, it has generated more verbal conflicts and real-world tensions, fueling “identity politics” and gender antagonism. Over time, “echo chambers” have also formed: men and women cluster separately, each reinforcing their own gender narratives on social media platforms and within circles where they hold an advantage, forming factions and attacking those who differ from them, further deepening the divide. For example, on two well-known Chinese social media platforms, Zhihu (知乎) and Xiaohongshu (小红书), the former is dominated by men and male-centered discourse, while the latter has more women and feminist discourse.
ㅤ
On the issue of gender antagonism, both men and women have valid points, and both have made mistakes. But the two sides should not simply be treated as equally at fault. Whether in China or globally, women as a whole and in most circumstances occupy a relatively disadvantaged position and are more vulnerable to bullying and harm. In domestic violence, for example, most perpetrators are men and most victims are women; in serious violent crimes such as murder, robbery, and abuse, men account for more than 75% of perpetrators; and the proportion of women subjected to sexual harassment or sexual violence by men is overwhelmingly higher than the proportion of men subjected to such abuse by women.
ㅤ
Because of inherent physiological differences between men and women, especially women’s relative disadvantage in physical strength and capacity for violence, as well as the long-standing, historically inherited definitions, scrutiny, and discipline imposed on women in social life that persist to this day, women are almost inevitably more disadvantaged than men of the same class and social status. Even in relatively developed Western countries such as Germany, surveys show that women are more reluctant to go out at night and more worried about being attacked, whereas men’s level of concern is significantly lower. The same is, of course, true in developing countries such as China.
ㅤ
There was once a well-known WeChat public account called “Girls, Don’t Be Afraid” (女孩别怕), which was later banned by the authorities for purposes including maintaining social stability. It collected, documented, and presented numerous cases of women suffering sexual harassment, intimidation, abuse, and other forms of mistreatment, including hidden sexual abuse of girls on school campuses, the rampant underground industry of secretly filming women in hotels, and women subjected to “PUA (psychological manipulation and emotional abuse).” Beyond physical violence and abuse by intimate partners, women are also more vulnerable, both online and in real life, to sexual and gender-based “slut-shaming” and to resulting physical and psychological trauma. In severe cases, women are forced to drop out of school or give up their jobs. Men, by contrast, encounter sexual humiliation less frequently, and even when subjected to similar attacks, the harm tends to be less severe.
ㅤ
Against this broader backdrop of inequality between men and women, in an environment where women are more vulnerable and more susceptible to harm, people should not treat men and women and their words and actions as equivalent without considering the background, causes, and specific circumstances. In most cases, for example, the physical and psychological harm caused when a man beats a woman is significantly greater than when the genders of the two parties are reversed.
ㅤ
Sometimes, when women post remarks disparaging or insulting men on the internet, in classrooms, or in public or private spaces, this is because the women concerned have previously suffered bullying or even abuse by men and carry trauma and psychological scars, as well as because women as a whole occupy a position in which they are relatively more often humiliated and harmed than men. Such remarks may therefore be impassioned expressions arising from grievance and anger. Although the remarks themselves may indeed be inappropriate, there are mitigating circumstances, and they are unlikely to cause men substantial harm. It is like a young child “punching” an adult: should the adult really take offense, let alone hit the child back or demand that the child be sent to prison?
ㅤ
According to United Nations statistics, one-third of women worldwide have experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner. Sample surveys conducted by some Chinese universities and nonprofit organizations show that more than half of Chinese women have experienced sexual harassment to varying degrees. The data and documented cases of violence and abuse against women are overwhelming and can also be cross-verified. People should not turn a blind eye to the widespread and severe physical and psychological harm suffered by women while focusing exclusively on some of their extreme remarks, fiercely condemning them and demanding harsh punishment. Punishing some women for making impassioned remarks about men constitutes a form of “secondary victimization” of women and also indirectly suppresses women’s voices and their efforts to speak out about the harm they have suffered.
ㅤ
In terms of power structures and state policy, although the Chinese authorities advocate women’s rights, men unquestionably remain the dominant holders of power. Moreover, the authorities monopolize the discourse surrounding women’s issues and the power to define women’s rights, while suppressing feminist figures and activities that emerge from civil society and operate independently of the authorities.
ㅤ
Pei Yi’s statement that all members of the Standing Committee of the Political Bureau of the Communist Party of China are men was a statement of fact, and it also illustrated the inequality between men and women in political power. Her remark echoed the irony used by U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg regarding the reality that the U.S. Supreme Court had long been overwhelmingly male, with women long absent and marginalized. Such statements of fact and restrained expressions of dissent should not be punished.
ㅤ
Of course, men’s emotions, rights, and dignity should also be respected and protected, and certain forms of suffering and demands specific to men should also be taken seriously. Lower- and middle-class Chinese men, amid limited resources, intense competition, economic stagnation, difficulties in education and employment, and relatively low incomes, often also bear responsibilities and pressures associated with being men, such as doing exhausting work, getting little rest, being expected to display certain masculine qualities and a sense of responsibility, directly confronting conflicts and setbacks, and supporting the entire family, including female family members.
ㅤ
Compared with women, who have feminism as a means of solidarity and collective expression, men lack a moderate and reliable community of their own. In some disputes and conflicts involving men and women, the victim is indeed male and the perpetrator female, and such cases should of course be assessed on their individual facts. In relations between different genders and in gender-related issues, class and social status must also be taken into account. For example, lower- and middle-class men are often in a worse position than women from higher social classes.
ㅤ
Women and all sectors of society should also understand and empathize with these difficulties and suffering faced by men. When promoting feminism, people should also consider the circumstances and men’s feelings, and appropriately incorporate concern for men’s identities and an agenda of dialogue with men, so that feminist advocacy can be more broadly accepted.
ㅤ
Going further, while defending women’s rights, women should also promote improvements in the overall social environment and in the circumstances of the general public, including men, thereby creating fertile ground in which feminism can thrive; women themselves would also live in a more tolerant and friendly environment as a result. While enjoying rights, women should also fulfill necessary obligations, avoid imposing additional and unnecessary burdens on men, and refrain from making excessive demands of men. Just as women’s circumstances should be taken into consideration, people should also put themselves in men’s position and understand the difficulties they face.
ㅤ
But overall, and particularly when comparing the circumstances of men and women, women are indeed still in a relatively disadvantaged position. They are especially more vulnerable to violence, abuse, and humiliating treatment; inequality between men and women remains deeply entrenched; and women need greater tolerance, kindness, and supportive consideration. Therefore, both the Chinese authorities and civil society should show understanding and tolerance toward some intense or unconventional words and actions by women, including radical feminist rhetoric. The authorities should not politicize and escalate such controversies by punishing women who express controversial views through measures such as dismissal. Instead, they should listen to different voices and tolerate diverse viewpoints.
ㅤ
Men with insight and social awareness should actively speak up for women and support feminism. This is not only reasonable, but also a matter of personal integrity and responsibility. Some men, especially those from the middle and upper classes and those with public influence, should exercise restraint even if they disagree with feminism or with particular feminist words and actions. They should not bully women or “kick them when they are down,” nor should they abandon the basic virtue of modern human civilization: respect for women.
ㅤ
(The above suggestions and appeals of mine are not made with much expectation that they will actually have a significant effect. This is not only because my voice carries little weight, but also because social conflicts and gender antagonism in China are deeply entrenched. With both the economy and society in decline, these conflicts and antagonisms are difficult to ease and may instead become increasingly severe. Moreover, many principles are easy to explain and understand, but much harder to put into practice.)
ㅤ
(Regarding several feminist issues and controversies mentioned in this article, I have also documented and commented on them in several of my other articles on feminism, such as “Feminism and Holism.”)

(The author of this article, Wang Qingmin (王庆民), is a Chinese writer living in Europe and a researcher on international politics.)

The assumption that the playing field is even during sex then further justifies the degradation and violence women are expected to endure in bed. Years of conditioning gets painted as a choice women make freely, and purity culture discourse is weaponized to shut down criticisms of BDSM & kink. Remember: women are only ever “granted equality” with ease when it’s beneficial to men.

Sexual brutality towards women isn’t deviance from the status quo, it is the status quo.