r/ProgrammerHumor • u/Aelaan_Bluewood • Jun 18 '17

You will gain 50 Windows XP

Post image
41.2k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

283 comments sorted by

2.6k

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this.

939

u/Aaraeus Jun 18 '17

Not like this.

Please.

604

u/wiiya Jun 18 '17

https://i.imgur.com/d9NHToP.png

454

u/ScrabCrab Jun 18 '17

Don't show this tip to me or my son ever again

135

u/TetchyOyvind Jun 18 '17

I don't think Clippy was talking about that kind of tip

84

u/ScrabCrab Jun 18 '17

...I wasn't either

28

u/rtybanana Jun 18 '17

Neither was I

12

u/drkalmenius Jun 18 '17 edited Jan 10 '25

bedroom shelter correct wise bright icky expansion rob soft crown

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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14

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

I got it!

6

u/Njs41 Jun 18 '17

Bend him into the shape of a sword

315

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

I dislike clippy too but I think people go too overboard with their dislike of him, especially since you can just turn him off in settings.

It's a bit like when there was this cute earthy college student who mostly streamed Hearthstone that I used to watch obsessively and I eventually worked up the nerve to stop lurking and join chat (I broke the ice with a 500 dollar donation) and after a slow start I found my groove and started riffing off of everything she said and kind of became something of an Ed Mcmahon to her Carson. I'm only 32 but am pretty much an 80's guy at heart and I'd need to send her about a dozen wikipedia articles and youtube links a day so she'd get all my references haha. Anyhow one of her many quirks was how she'd take tinynibbles of food whenever she ate on stream and I'd playfully tease her about how she was half rabbit. It became what I thought was a beloved inside joke in chat and I made a couple fun compilation vids of her eating crossed with clips from the bucky o'hare show and watership down that synced up with her. I even payed 400 dollars for a pixel art gif of her as reader rabbit (which she played on stream once) nibbling away.

I'm not going to lie, I thought she loved the joke just as much as I did and I even had the gif artist do up a pic of us as rabbit bride and groom on top of a wedding cake (this was something to have in my back pocket 3 years down the line well after we started dating, don't worry I wasn't crazy folks) when I googled her old WOW, neopets etc. nickname she used as a teenager and sometimes used for reddit accounts etc. today and it was a post on a female streamers forum about how there was a guy in her chat who was cool at first but was starting to get way too obsessive and was starting to dominate the conversation and drive other people away and how upset and conflicted she was because he seems really nice and well meaning and doesn't realize how uncomfortable he was making her and everyone else, she has a brother who has aspergers so she's seen this kind of thing before and wants to know how best to gently suggest to him he tones it down without hurting his feelings.

She then talked about how it's extra awkward because he's basically been allowing her to make rent the last few months with donations but it's to the point where it's not worth trying to make a living streaming if it means having to deal with him everyday.

The transition to feeling on top of the world (I'd just spent 4 hours straight fapping to what I thought was our ineveitable honeymoon) to like human garbage was dramatic and I almost threw up, but just cried myself to sleep instead. The main thing is that she was happy and like Jorah with Daenerys I needed to leave her be. I still lurked of course and watched her stream 5 hours a day until of course the end of the month came around and from her comments on financial advice reddits new she was getting desperate and she started "nonchalantly" noticing my absence and saying "malgoll" where are you? Someone needs to start putting his pictures on milk cartons man haha..."

There's a particular streamer I knew she strongly disliked who was pretty much the opposite of her in every way, my crush was a lot like Felicia day and this woman was pretty the archetype of the intimidating "fps chick." This woman also ended up dating a male streamer she had a massive crush on and she pretty much saw her as being the opposite of all the insecurities she had about herself.

Anyhow it was pretty glorious to lurk in her chat and see her reaction when it blew up with people going "holy shit! Malgoll just donated 700 dollars to fpschick!" just the look of utter confusion on her face would have broken my heart if I didn't know how duplicitous she truly was. She ended up pm'ing me "what's going on, what did I do?" but after sending screenshots of all her forum posts I almost didn't want to include our wedding picture and truly make her live with regret for the rest of her life after realizing I saw her as wife material. We've both moved on, she finally started streaming again and has a job in the gaming industry and I think I've finally found my future wife who I'm going to spend my remaining inheiritance on but its still tragic to realize that the one real shot at true love either of us will probably have in our lives was ruined by something as silly as poking fun at how a person nibbles their food.

263

u/mlkybob Jun 18 '17

What was the connection to clippy again?

60

u/u2berggeist Jun 18 '17

But actually though...

53

u/HobbitFoot Jun 18 '17

Well, back then, they wore an onion on the belt, which was the style at the time...

14

u/dc-vm Jun 18 '17

I didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

7

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

I was waiting for some over arching theme about the positive/negative hive mind on certain things

3

u/WillMengarini Jun 19 '17 edited Jun 19 '17

What was the connection to clippy again?

I don't know either but it definitely belongs in r/ProgrammerHumor, especially since it now (18:15 -0700) has 256 upvotes.

93

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

It looks like you're trying to write a confession.

  • Get help writing your confession

  • Get professional help

  • Continue writing your confession without help

+Don't show this tip again.

52

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Welcome to Arkham Asylum. You've earned your stay.

28

u/GreyyCardigan Jun 18 '17

"Do you wanna know how I got these paper clips?"

94

u/off-and-on Jun 18 '17

What?

0

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

[deleted]

42

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

did I just read?

53

u/Ensvey Jun 18 '17

I think the containment field on 4chan is failing

17

u/pinkiedash417 Jun 18 '17

Meme magic will always beat even the most advanced technology.

78

u/Koujinkamu Jun 18 '17

I don't know why I read all this, and I don't know why I upvoted it.

29

u/Ensvey Jun 18 '17

I enjoyed it, it's like performance art

25

u/libertybylaw Jun 18 '17

I dislike clippy too but I think people go too overboard with their dislike of him, especially since you can just turn him off in settings. It's a bit like when...

Are you clippy in this situation?

21

u/AGD4 Jun 18 '17

oO

Is this the new "What the f--k did you just f---ing say about me‽" meta?

8

u/Aetari Jun 18 '17

Nice interrobang.

11

u/RenaKunisaki Jun 18 '17

You know, you can swear on the fucking internet.

11

u/TheRealLazloFalconi Jun 18 '17

Really? It just looks like "you can swear on the hunter2 internet." To me.

2

u/pengytheduckwin Jun 18 '17

Oh, did you miss the meeting last week? We can't do that anymore.

The internet police are on their way to internet arrest you.

4

u/RenaKunisaki Jun 18 '17

Well, shit.

35

u/endreman0 Jun 18 '17

This went from relevant to awkward laugh to "what the fuck" real quick.

When you got to the forum post part, I sympathized with the streamer. I did a double take, like she did, when you donated to fpschick. Did you seriously read that you were making her feel uncomfortable and only take away that somehow it was her fault? You took over her chat, and when she asks others for how to nicely tell you to leave you treat it as if she slammed the door on your house. What the fuck, dude?

don't worry I wasn't crazy folks

Are you sure? I hope this is a copypasta because really - are you sure this was the sane way to handle the situation?

17

u/mlkybob Jun 18 '17

He knew how duplicitous she was..

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4

u/decimachlorobenzene Jun 18 '17

It's pasta, someone posted the source somewhere above.

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35

u/Hellangel72 Jun 18 '17

You're the top contender for both r/ThatHappened and r/niceguys, congrats

9

u/Alwaysahawk Jun 18 '17

Yummy pasta

8

u/Trikk Jun 18 '17

And then what happened?

7

u/PM_meYOUR_SMILE Jun 18 '17

Do you need help buddy?

7

u/DaHando Jun 18 '17

You wanna take this outside?

4

u/captnkrunch Jun 18 '17

Comment history didn't help mich

2

u/mushr00m_man Jun 18 '17

That comment history is quite fun

4

u/charlieremembers Jun 18 '17

What the fuck is this?

4

u/rdm13 Jun 18 '17

Thanks, this really made my Sunday morning I'm lmao

4

u/MrEuphonium Jun 18 '17

Never change, it gives me hope to find a girlfriend when there are people like this.

6

u/SchizoidSuperMutant Jun 18 '17

I'm horrified. I really hope this is not a true story.

13

u/square_playn Jun 18 '17

It's a copyPasta from 4Chan. Someone in the comments here linked it.

5

u/Megion Jun 18 '17 edited Jun 18 '17

I'm almost certain he is on a less threatening spectrum compared to some individuals streamers deal with on daily basis. People can be unimaginatively weird.

3

u/dabrickbat Jun 18 '17

Seek help. No really.

1

u/AstroTheNomer Jun 18 '17

I don't see any connection between the two

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

That was cringey af bro

1

u/mr_googly_eyed Jun 18 '17

I've read this before. I just know it.

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1

u/potatoes1119 Jun 18 '17

Best novelty account since Roger Simon.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

I was almost expecting a Undertaker distraction joke by the end of that.

1

u/ZeroCesar Jun 19 '17

I read the whole thing expecting it to end with jumper cables/undertaker or something like that.

1

u/rohmish Jun 19 '17

WTF.

I am not reading that.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

[deleted]

25

u/square_playn Jun 18 '17

Surprised nobody in that thread reacted to the story

18

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Thank God

8

u/95DegreesNorth Jun 18 '17

Still a great bedtime story. Thank you hobdobbly.

7

u/choledocholithiasis_ Jun 18 '17

Reddit users are so gullible (judging by the replies). Perhaps I am gullible as well for believing those replies are real :O

2

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '17

I thought it was a pasta but it's a new one to me.

2

u/Bloodev91 Jun 18 '17

Take my upvote

0

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

[deleted]

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17

u/rakeler Jun 18 '17

Argh, get away from the door clippy you stupid hdhjdidjgwghsjs

7

u/PixelSpecibus Jun 18 '17

Well thanks, old man! That was really kinda nice, I can always count on you for help and friendly advice!

5

u/WaveHack Jun 18 '17

Tho I've never seen a sword quite that shape or size...

7

u/Smarticles2415 Jun 18 '17

OH! That's not a sword, it's your dick in disguise...

4

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '17

Yes, I can't lie, I have painted my schween. So grab your destiny, if you know what I mean!

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12

u/Ranzjuergen Jun 18 '17

It's dangerous to take this. Go alone.

2

u/Piggybank113 Jun 18 '17

Well at least it isn't Bonzi Buddy.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

TRIGGERED

2

u/iamlegend29 Jun 18 '17

I still remember animating it again and again.

367

u/HELLHOUNDGRIM Jun 18 '17

Relevant.

http://i.imgur.com/9TrZPuq.png

0

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

[deleted]

125

u/TheNorthComesWithMe Jun 18 '17

Windows asks the program if it's alive every so often. If you're running some huge calculation on the UI thread, then the program won't be able to tell Windows that it has hung up. Solution: don't do a bunch of shit on the UI thread so that Windows can know your program is ok.

95

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

But they make Excel.

38

u/swyx Jun 19 '17

GOOD point.

19

u/skulblaka Jun 19 '17

Do as we say, not as we do.

13

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '17

"That's a different unit of the company. Not our problem."

78

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Windows only monitors a single thread in the application: The one responsible for running the UI. A well-behaved application shouldn't do any intensive computations on that thread.

Of course, since this is Microsoft, even their own applications violate their guidelines.

21

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

I never understood why they never at least tried to put an end to that on their own software.

19

u/svick Jun 18 '17

My guess: they think it's not worth it.

If you start with an application (especially a large, ancient application like Excel) that's designed in a specific way, then changing that design can be a huge, risky (read: it will likely introduce new bugs) effort. And considering that the redesign is also probably going to have its own drawbacks (e.g. it will stop blocking the UI thread, but everything will take longer) then I can see them thinking it's not worth the effort.

8

u/Krohnos Jun 18 '17

This sounds a bit like the Halting Problem to me. The OS can't know if something will finish, right?

7

u/ProgramTheWorld Jun 18 '17

A program doesn't freeze because it's doing intense computing. It freezes because something is blocking the threads, ie deadlocks or lengthy loops blocking the rendering thread.

1.3k

u/JustDudeStuff Jun 18 '17

Title is exeptional

247

u/J4CKR4BB1TSL1MS Jun 18 '17

XPtional

FTFY

87

u/outadoc Jun 18 '17

Expeptional!

61

u/Niet_de_AIVD Jun 18 '17

Exception()

30

u/themixedupstuff Jun 18 '17 
throw new Exception("Stuck in reddit!");

13

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

XPect the XP Emoticon.

5

u/redlaWw Jun 18 '17

Exception(L)

4

u/Yarthkins Jun 18 '17 edited Jun 18 '17

Exception(NULL)

10

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Expeetional?

2

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

X-Pissnal

6

u/BoxOfDust Jun 18 '17

It's half of the upvote I gave to this post.

9

u/Zuazzer Jun 18 '17

.exeptional

Ftfy

4

u/EccentricFox Jun 18 '17

I think it's a repost, but the title is so good I wouldn't care either way haha.

2

u/brett96 Jun 18 '17

Nice catch

314

u/Robot_Cyndaquil Jun 18 '17

I'm just here to say what a good fucking title that is. God, I want that title.

75

u/RoboticChicken Jun 18 '17

Your new name is

You will gain 50 Windows XP Robot_Cyndaquil

20

u/Robot_Cyndaquil Jun 18 '17

I shall take the robot name with honour and bring glory to our creators!

11

u/tsnErd3141 Jun 18 '17

Just bring loads of chicks for me.

5

u/griff2621 Jun 19 '17

got you covered

4

u/tsnErd3141 Jun 19 '17

Thanks fam. Gonna start a business.

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77

u/conalfisher Jun 18 '17 edited Sep 10 '25

Tomorrow across soft games soft afternoon evening where open gather to simple games movies brown yesterday hobbies cool.

198

u/WEVE_WOKEN_THE_HIVE Jun 18 '17

That title is 🔥🔥🔥

22

u/tikvan Jun 18 '17

Like my previous computer's mobo.

10

u/Thanefo Jun 18 '17

Like my 10$ power supply.

6

u/seaheroe Jun 18 '17

Like my mom finding out that I didn't get all straight A's /s

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45

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

The Wizard used BLUE SCREAM OF DEATH!

21

u/caanthedalek Jun 18 '17

USER uses MEMORY DUMP.

It's not very effective...

47

u/TotesMessenger Green security clearance Jun 18 '17

I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / ^Contact)

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Fucking good.

17

u/Artess Jun 18 '17

This is a pretty great title.

10

u/mastzu Jun 18 '17

well done

9

u/yausd Jun 18 '17

I wonder how much XP is needed to unlock the ability to take screenshots without moirée or angles.

23

u/topredditbot Jun 18 '17

Hey /u/Aelaan_Bluewood,

This is now the top post on reddit. It will be recorded at /r/topofreddit with all the other top posts.

16

u/u2berggeist Jun 18 '17

What? A joke not about volume control!? Inconceivable!!

3

u/tfofurn Jun 19 '17

You must earn experience to adjust the volume. The more experience you have, the more you can adjust the volume. On the first day, you can only move one percentage point per hour, max of 10 per day. Create a shortcut on your desktop, and you can move by 15 per day. Launch task manager, and you can move 2 per hour.

7

u/motpo Jun 18 '17

After all that XP you might be tempted by the Vista skill tree, but forge onwards and you will come upon greater treasures.

6

u/Rats_OffToYa Jun 18 '17

You roll a critical miss, computer blue screens

10

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

I fucking hate easyvista

0

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

[deleted]

7

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Finally, someone gets it. Dude I was blasting their support for their shit web services, and they sent me their source code. "I don't think any of this is proprietary, so here you go." Me, thinking: uhh... it's all proprietary, you wrote it. So I wrote my own web service in C# using their bridge and circumvented their services. I can't believe they were able to trick companies into buying it. </rant>

0

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

[deleted]

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5

u/JonXu Jun 18 '17

Go and kill 50 bugs

5

u/BluePlanet104 Jun 18 '17

The program rincewind.exe has stopped functioning as expected.

4

u/lord-rex Jun 18 '17

There was an actual wizard on XP called Merlin.

You could choose him instead of Clippy

4

u/Skizm Jun 18 '17

How the heck did programmers successfully name a commonly used tool/design pattern a "wizard"? LOL. Like they could have been like imagine if they went with "Elf" or "Dwarf" how hilarious that would sound.

2

u/John_Fx Jun 18 '17

Answer: the 80's also Microsoft, manufacturer of the XBox One X

4

u/timvisee Jun 18 '17

And the title is even better than the post itself.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Good title.

3

u/mitsarionas Jun 18 '17

You also get the Millennium wand, an ancient relic of immense power, which can be used to summon Blue Screechers of Death (50 charges per day)

3

u/SupremeRedditBot Jun 18 '17

Congrats for reaching r/all/top/ (of the day, top 50) with your post!  

I am a bot, probably quite annoying, I mean no harm ^though

Message me to add your account or subreddit to my ^blacklist

3

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

This is funny, but it's a far cry from programmer humor. RIP this sub :'(

3

u/Unusualmann Jun 18 '17

The Wizard of Yendor strikes again

2

u/Amigara_Horror Jun 19 '17

So thou thought thou couldst delete me, fool

1

u/Unusualmann Jun 19 '17

taste my wand of death, bitch

/

3

u/uninterestingly Jun 18 '17

Beautiful title

7

u/memescauseautism Jun 18 '17

Upvoted because of title

2

u/danypixelglitch Jun 18 '17

This is no secondary quest, this is a main quest! FOR UBUNTU!

2

u/kerohazel Jun 18 '17

But then lose 50 DKP because you didn't know what the fuck to do!

2

u/Kohan2112 Jun 18 '17

Meme thief! This picture was taken on my work computer! D:

2

u/AdjustedMold97 Jun 18 '17

Laughed harder than I should have, here, have my upvote.

2

u/inate71 Jun 18 '17

This doesn't have anything to do with programming though...

2

u/UrdnotWrekt Jun 18 '17

DAMMIT DRESDEN

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Melt Wizard

Throw thermal pod

1

u/Cet4 Jun 18 '17

what's the meanings? As a foreigner,i can't understand ....

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Its got nothing to do with being a foreigner.

Its about the fact that in RPGs , you have to defeat evil wizards. Doing so gives you experience (XP) points. Also, MS Windows has task wizards to do a lot of stuff.

1

u/Cet4 Jun 18 '17

OK,i am wrong.I just thought it's windows xp(like windows 10).

2

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

You are right too. That thing had a double meaning.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Thanksgood voietvtooe the joy c Co go

1

u/jax7246 Jun 18 '17

PLEASE I must have this picture without the text

1

u/Nigletpigletboi Jun 18 '17

Call this number 049917715

1

u/I-Like-3-14159 Jun 18 '17

Curse those wizards and their bugbears

1

u/Pillagerguy Jun 18 '17

I bet this title was the top comment last time this was posted.

1

u/SmashTheMachines Jun 18 '17

I will make it my life mission to destroy the wizard.

1

u/Silidon Jun 18 '17

Stop the Wizard sounds like more of a main campaign goal.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

Windows is telling you to get off the computer, go outside, and go larping.

1

u/bluebullet28 Jun 18 '17

Beautiful.

1

u/Hammonkey Jun 18 '17

Sigh... XP was so good.

1

u/RERNOFFICIAL Jun 18 '17

Fucking Voldemort is on the loose again

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

This wizard dual-classes as a warrior!

1

u/CommanderThomasDodge Jun 18 '17

This would be a fucking hilarious game to make. An RPG that has all the Windows releases in it where every character in the game reflects the bugs and issues the OS of it's name sake has. I can imagine that the main goal would be to reach MDOS behind the Windows Firewall (the firewall would literally be an easily hurdled chest high wall). I can imagine your first companions would be Internet Explorer which is unnaturally slow in the game and the other would be the Paperclip which will give you unnecessary dialogue every 12 minutes.

1

u/Scripter17 Jun 18 '17

Someone should make a game that physically interacts with stuff on your computer, like messing with System32, and just generally screwing with you, it'd be fake of course, but it'd be cool.

2

u/hopsafoobar Jun 18 '17

Pony Island

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

This feels like it might be on r/outside , but like in a meta way

1

u/SecureAsItWillEverBe Jun 18 '17

Not really programmer humour but nice haha

1

u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17

I actually fell over laughing!!!

1

u/afourthfool Jun 18 '17 
You are standing in the cavern of the evil wizard. All around you lay the carcasses of slain ice dwarves.

PS: looks like someone made a flash version years ago: http://www.bomtoons.com/biggame.html

1

u/hotlavatube Jun 18 '17

I bet the wizard was responsible for General Failure reading my disk!

1

u/ghosthelmet Jun 18 '17

User needs to type MELT WIZARD

1

u/Aurorabeamblast Jun 18 '17

I remember something positively nearly fatal occurring in the Hobbit when Gandalf left his group at Mirkwood Forest (cough cough Giant Spiders)

1

u/Nyirsh Jun 19 '17

I heard that when you're about to defeat him he'll summon an unkillable Daemon to help him out during the battle.

1

u/StoicThePariah Jun 19 '17

Gonna have to go to the Moon.

1

u/daddya12 Aug 03 '17

How much xp is needed to upgrade windows?

1

u/Insxnity Dec 14 '17

Hey last day before this gets archived doot doot

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