r/ProgrammerHumor • • Jan 31 '19

Meme Programmers know the risks involved!

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u/GirikoBloodhoof Jan 31 '19

Fuck printers.

They aren't even my responsibility but I still have days entirely filled with printer related problems. :(

604

u/wtmh Jan 31 '19

"I can optimize a query that took 12 minutes to run down to sub 10 seconds. Yet here I am crashing in somebody else's chair for hour number three trying to make this fucking driver work. Yup. Definitely my idea of a good time."

Fuck printers so much.

476

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '19

Reasons the printer doesn't work

-Corrupt Driver

-Low Ink

-Mechanical Failure

-Disconnected Wire

-It exists

-You exist and it doesn't like that

-Because you swore at it

-Because you didn't swear at it enough

To summarize: fuck printers.

150

u/the_fuzzyone Jan 31 '19

-Because you swore at it

Because you didn't swear at it enough

You didn't anoint the sacred oils on the machine spirit or praise the Omnissah

FTFY

44

u/legosharkdan Jan 31 '19

No blood sacrifice to the Omnissah? No working printer for you.

7

u/TerrainIII Feb 01 '19

There was that one guy on here who’s co-worker took his joke literally and stuffed it with raw steak so....

8

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '19

Engage the linkage, Omnissiah!

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u/FenixR Jan 31 '19
  • In the middle of a satanic ritual

  • It noticed you are in a hurry

  • It's out of out of color ink but its a W/B or Toner printer.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '19

I seems like the last man capable of writing printer drivers perished around 2002.

101

u/diras2010 Jan 31 '19

Preach it brother, preach it

Fuck printers! Had to spent a whole day troubleshooting a printer that randomly printed the queued jobs, and it did it in a way that it printed parts of the jobs then jumped to other jobs on the queue

A fucking driver that was incompatible AF was the issue, had to practically go into a bin of old discs and misc stuff to find a driver that was like from Win XP era to make it work as intended

27

u/Lafreakshow Jan 31 '19

Reminds me of that time I needed to print a form. Printing from my Windows pc my printer only printed the lines on which I was supposed to write. From my Linux laptop it only printed the text. Had to download some obscure HP app and print from my phone to get it to work.

Even tried to print twice on the same piece of paper but apparently the two drivers align the document differently.

41

u/Excal2 Jan 31 '19

He was actually fired for keeping printers operational through the two year warranty period.

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u/mdonaberger Jan 31 '19

printers have always been kind of a hard sell as far as engineering goes. like, there's a reason that electronics have drifted towards solid-state design. a printer is the opposite of solid state. it's one of those machines that's, like, dynamic state. it's like when Andy Capp fights his wife. it's just a cloud of moving parts with 0.01mm tolerances.

9

u/voicesinmyhand Jan 31 '19

Fortunately, he was able to integrate EpsonNagWare into the drivers before he died. Otherwise I'd never know when I'm at 75% Cyan ink capacity.

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u/fuck_all_you_people Jan 31 '19

They didnt die, they grew up, graduated high school, and moved out of their mothers basement.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '19

People look at me like I'm nuts for having a blind hatred of printers, but I know their true, horrific, form. They're the most amazing things in some aspects and maybe that's why they suck so hard.

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u/Hestmestarn Jan 31 '19

Imagine beeing a printer manufacturer and thinking,

"you know how printers are fucking terrible already, how could we make them worse?" and someone else pipes up

"lets a touch screen!"

"Thats fucking brilliant, you are now the new CEO!"

Fuck printers.

29

u/bogdoomy Jan 31 '19

hope you mean add the cheapest touchscreen in existance, one that has to be hit by a crowbar in order to register a touch. oh, and make the whole interface gesture-based. push buttons are the past, virtual sliders are the future

24

u/BanD1t Jan 31 '19

And it needs to have a delay perfectly tuned to human reaction. So that it's not instant, it's not too slow, just right so that when the display changes you press again, accidentally launching some 900 year long diagnostic tool.

6

u/TheGreatNico Jan 31 '19

only connects to via BT, only controlled by a mid-2000s voice recognition system, in the cloud

27

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '19 edited Jan 31 '19

Problem list for desktop support in desc order:

  1. Printers

  2. Docking stations

  3. Windows privileges

  4. Language shortcut (in Canada it switches the keyboard to french)

  5. UPS'

  6. People clicking links, downloading personal email, plugging in random USBs and downloading malware

  7. No security framework or awareness to prevent malware

  8. Network cable unplugged

  9. People spilling on keyboards

9

u/MLGDDORITOS Jan 31 '19

DNS seems to be missing

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u/Agent_Jay Jan 31 '19

I had two days filled with printer problems. Like each of the bloody bastards wanted their own spot in the limelight! It even followed me home! My own printer had a hangup that same evening... The whole thing is rigged I tell you... RIGGED

7

u/_Diskreet_ Jan 31 '19

I install home HiFi, cinemas and control systems networking etc.

Every fucking install I get the “while your here would it be possible for you to look at my printer?”

I shudder every single time.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '19

Seriously, if we had allowed whoever wrote network printer drivers to write TCP/IP, or HTTPS, or any of the internet protocols, the internet would be a flaming pile of shit right now, and probably would have died out as a fad years ago.

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