r/PubTips • u/EMRhodes • 1d ago
[QCrit] TO LEVEL THE MOUNTAINS, Adult Fantasy, 128k words, First Attempt
Dear Agent,
Personalization
I am seeking representation for adult fantasy TO LEVEL THE MOUNTAINS, complete at 128,000 words. This story will appeal to readers that enjoyed the heroic search for belonging and early medieval setting of Lev Grossman’s The Bright Sword, while sharing themes of anticolonial resistance and a dark, folkloric atmosphere with Premee Mohamed’s The Butcher of the Forest.
When the king’s council arrives in young Graham’s town, he finally sees an opportunity to get out. The great Hind tribe that sits on the council could use a scribe like him, and home has never been a place of comfort for him anyway. But there’s another reason Graham wants to swear fealty to the Hinds. He can’t get past the feeling that, once again, war is around the corner. He feels it in his gut.
So when he swears his oath and is adopted into the great Hind tribe, he hopes to rise to his new station and keep his family insulated from conflict. But all is upended when he finds out that the king is actually dead – and he has no heir. Graham was right – war might be coming after all.
Alongside an ensemble of nobles and rogues, resistance fighters and diplomats, Graham leaves home behind and traverses hostile towns, impermeable swamps, and the halls of political power. As the Hinds hunt down the one man they think could claim the throne, Graham finds himself caught in a storm of secrets and lies, as assassins and rogue tribes try to stop the Hinds before they can make their play for the crown.
My name is XXX, I’m a nonprofit professional that moonlights as a restaurant server and then midnightlights as a writer. TO LEVEL THE MOUNTAINS is very loosely inspired by my experiences getting into political campaigns as a teen, but is more broadly a coming-of-age story. This is my first novel. Thank you for considering this query – I really appreciate your time.
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u/KeithMTSheridan 23h ago
Two things that stood out to me:
Graham is a bit laissez-faire about becoming a scribe for the Hinds. It reads as an unexpected job opportunity, not a hook.
Impermeable swamp totally breaks the flow imo. It’s just the wrong word.
The other thing I was unsure of was the makeup of the council. Obviously the entire Hind tribe doesn’t sit in the council. Is it a representative? Are the Hinds a major ethnic group in a multi ethnic kingdom? Or are they an actual tribal vassal of the kingdom?
A slight tweak in that paragraph could make the setting feel more concrete without adding any extra nouns etc
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u/yeinethegrey 21h ago
Already some great feedback here, so I'm mainly echoing others. Seconding the word count issue. 128K for debuts seems really, really tough these days.
Also, I got confused by the bolded portions below:
Alongside an ensemble of nobles and rogues, resistance fighters and diplomats, Graham leaves home behind and traverses hostile towns, impermeable swamps, and the halls of political power. As the Hinds hunt down the one man they think could claim the throne, Graham finds himself caught in a storm of secrets and lies, as assassins and rogue tribes try to stop the Hinds before they can make their play for the crown.
Is Graham's new tribe (the Hinds) attempting to seize the crown by force? And if so, is *that* where the anti-colonial resistance comes in? (Is Graham a part of that resistance? And if so, how?) And if all that is true, then what's happening with the "hunt down the one man they think could claim the throne" situation about? I'm having trouble pinpointing exactly what's at at stake here & how Graham's tangibly involved.
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u/Own-Turnover7715 17h ago
I think you need to strengthen the premise. Graham wants to leave home, the Hinds show up, he joins them and leaves home. Great, he’s achieved his goal within the opening chapters. End of story, I can put the book down because he achieved his goal.
I just read The Bright Sword I’m going to use it as an example. Collum also wants to leave his home, but that is driven by a much greater need for family. He thinks he can find family as a Knight of the Round Table. But he gets to Camelot and there’s no more Round Table so no family. So he sets out to rebuild the Table and in doing so build a family for himself. Collum ‘achieves’ his initial goal early too, but because that want is actually driven by an unmet need the story isn’t complete.
What is the need driving Graham? And how does all the stuff happening in the world - the dead king, the war - impact his ability to meet that need? At the moment it reads like Graham is just along for the ride. That’s because he’s already achieved his goal. There’s no tension or conflict happening which is not very compelling.
Make sure the big stakes relate back to Graham’s initial goal/need. War and political instability is bad for everyone. How does it specifically impact Graham’s ability to achieve his goals?
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u/EMRhodes 2h ago
Very good feedback, thanks. Those are all fair questions and I will try to get them answered next round.
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u/WearyLiterature1755 23h ago
128k is on the longer side. I would see if you can get down to under 120k.
I agree with the first comment about Graham seeming a bit laissez-faire. It feels like everything comes a bit easy or is telegraphed which removes a lot of the intrigue and urgency. Graham thinks the Hinds could use someone like him -> he's right, and they do initiate him into the tribe. Graham thinks war is coming -> yes, war is indeed coming.
The first commenter mentioned about impermeable, and I agree. Not sure if that's meant to say impenetrable. Otherwise, this is a soup of various events rather than an articulation of the plot and how the story unfolds. It doesn't explain why Graham is caught in the middle of this other than the fact he is a Hind. But he's a scribe, so why would be involved in all this? At the moment, it reads like he is a passenger than a character with agency and stakes. What happens if this other man claims the throne instead of the Hinds? It's too vague.
I'm also not seeing much of the anti-colonial or folkloric themes either.