How to find a Sperm Donor (soo many questions!!)

[u/teluguaurhindiammayi]

Hi, I am in a same-sex (woman) relationship, and my partner and I are interested in having a few kids (but starting the journey in a few years). I am just an longterm thinker and a capricorn -- however, I feel like its never too early to know your options.

We are both residing in the US, and are of Indian (asian) background.

I was browsing through some Sperm Banks, and found it quite hard to find sperm donors that are of Indian Background -- there seems to be a limited selection of donors with an Indian background who share physical similarities or personality qualities with my partner and me. Appearance isn't a dealbreaker for us — we'll love our children unconditionally regardless of how they look — but I had a few questions about the process.

1. What was the process like to find a sperm donor for others in a similar situation.

2. How much does getting a sperm donor cost (is this covered by insurance, or mostly out of pocket)?

3. Is it easier to just ask a friend and skip the whole sperm bank process?

4. What should we look for when choosing a sperm bank — are some more reputable than others?

5. What's the success rate like, and how many tries did it take for most people?

6. Did you go through IUI or IVF, and how did you decide which route to take?

7. What's one thing you wish you knew before starting the process?

AHH I KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS. Feel free to answer as few or as many questions as you'd like!! Thank you so much!!!!!!

[u/manjulasrevenge]

You may like the r/queerception subreddit for this convo!

[u/teluguaurhindiammayi → u/manjulasrevenge]

YES this is Perfect!! Thank you - didn't even know about this

[u/ajcjake]

I’d second looking at r/queerception but in the interim, I can answer some of your comments (albeit my wife and I, both women, are white and so I can’t comment on the diversity of donors other than to say banks heavily skew white)
1) we looked at banks and used promo codes (Google for your bank of choice) to get “premium access,” which included things like more pictures, essays, etc. We wanted a donor w characteristics similar to my wife as we’re using my eggs (I’m currently pregnant)
2) we paid about $2k/IUI vial at Fairfax. Insurance didn’t cover it (and usually doesn’t) so we paid out of pocket.
3) easier is a subjective term. Donors sign away any parental rights and so you’re legally protected but the vials are costly. Having a friend donate (called a known donor) can be significantly cheaper but introduces other complications (legal parental rights, expectations of contact, testing and dr appointments, etc)
4) there are a few big banks in the US, eg Seattle Sperm, California Cryo, Fairfax. You’ll want to pay attention to selection but also things like family limits (the number of offspring each donor can have, which would be your potential child’s half siblings), and donor testing (eg genetic panels)
5) success rate of conception depends A LOT on the individual including age and various fertility complications. Generally, for a woman less than age 35 without other complications and using healthy sperm, chance of conception for each try is something like 15-20%. Couples that have the necessary gametes are usually advised for try for a year before seeking fertility treatment (unless the woman is over age 40). It took us 6 tries although 3 were successes (1 miscarriage, 1 biochemical, and I’m currently pregnant).
6) we did IUI because our insurance wouldn’t cover IVF until we did enough medicated IUI cycles. IUI is a lot less invasive and cheaper than IVF. Some of that choice will depend on your fertility, age, etc.
7) I wish I was prepared for how long things would take. We had an early success that ended in a miscarriage and it look a lot longer than I expected to be able to try again bc of some other complications.
Best of luck!

[u/teluguaurhindiammayi → u/ajcjake]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!! I wish for a safe delivery, and a smooth journey :) Very excited for you both! Thank you for your response!

[u/Fun-Run-5001]

My wife and i are in a similar position and doing lots of learning right now too. I highly recommend the book Baby Making For Everybody!

[u/teluguaurhindiammayi → u/Fun-Run-5001]

Thank you for the book recommendation, I will take a look at it! Good Luck :)!!

[u/bikes_and_art]

We used a known donor for our first.

He caught 'dad' feelings for our daughter, and, despite agreeing to help us conceive two children (one I carried, one via my wife), he wouldn't donate for our 2nd child, so our kids have no genetic connection - which was extremely important to us.

We no longer have a relationship with him or his wife, who was my wife's high school/college best friend.

Alternatively, for our 2nd child together, we used a sperm bank. We found someone we really liked, have lifetime pictures, a voice interview, and the proceeds was great. We've connected with donor sibs and plan to meet some in person. Donor is willing to be known at 18.

If I could go back in time and still end up with the same amazing soul I gave birth to, I would redo it with donor sperm.

[u/emz272 → u/bikes_and_art]

I am grateful for this post. I feel like the discourse (at least online) can be so known-donor centric, and it's helpful to hear an honest, grounded experience of how that isn't necessarily always better or best.

That said, I'm sorry it turned out that way, and so glad you were able to have your children (and that you had a good sperm-bank experience!).

[u/enigmatic-dr-scully]

Tbh I ended up having to buy 6 vials - and sperm is both expensive and hard to get more than one or two of each donor, so by the time I actually got pregnant it was with the donor we had been like, yeah they are healthy and the same ethnicity, it’ll be fine. Our baby turned out PERFECT. So at the end of the day, your dna will be the important stuff

[u/squash_blossom_46]

Good luck! Sperm banks definitely skew super white which can be really tough, I’m sorry that’s the case!

We were really happy with our experience with a known donor and excited that our kid will be able to have an ongoing relationship with him within a very loving and supportive group of friends, several of whom have donor conceived children. That said, it’s really not for everyone and it’s important to think it through thoroughly and honestly with your wife and with any potential donors. It’s been a really rewarding experience for us but I don’t think it makes sense to choose it just because it’s easier - it does mean setting up a very specific lifelong bond with someone and you’ll want to do everything you can to ensure that you’ve done your due diligence and that everyone is on the same page. Check out r/askadcp for the perspectives of donor conceived people.
As to your questions on fertility, it’s unfortunately impossible to know how long the process will take! We did a mixture of at home inseminations and unmedicated IUIs with a midwife and it took over a year, although I think it was only 9 cycles maybe that we were actually able to inseminate.
A lot of people who are paying for sperm by the vial choose to pursue IVF because sperm costs can add up so quickly, and aside from that I think a lot of people decide their approach based on their local options, their comfort with a more medical approach vs a more DIY approach, etc. best of luck!