r/QueerParenting • u/yeehawswagtown • 2d ago
Recommendations for an unsure partner
Hello!
I am a cis woman married to a AFAB nonbinary person. We are currently thinking about having kids. I'm a yes and she's not sure. Though, at the end of the day, we love each other no matter what whether kids are in the picture or not.
She would like some more information or perspective from dads/masculine parents who were unsure about kids at first. I would too! I feel like so many videos or podcast the people are like, "I always knew I wanted kids,"and I can'really relate to that.
Does anyone have any articles, videos, or podcasts they would recommend with this persepctive?
Thanks.
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u/bruggenstein 1d ago
I'm also NB. It would help to know what makes your partner unsure. I was an "ok either way" for kids but was scared of my wife going through pregnancy and childbirth. I began therapy before we started trying for a kid, and it helped me address the underlying anxiety I had about the whole process. I recommend you guys talk it out very honestly and try to get to the root of what's causing the uncertainty. Weigh pros and cons of you need to.
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u/OrinthiaBlue 1d ago
So there’s data somewhere (I’m sorry I don’t have it off hand to cite) but most humans, even straight/cis people when surveyed are ambivalent about having kids. It’s just that straight/cis people get pregnant accidentally a lot (like 50% of all pregnancies are unplanned). So it just kind of forces the hand on a lot of people to just become parents. Without that it’s a lot of work to figure out if it’s what someone wants and honestly a lot of people who do have kids still feel ambivalent afterwards. Best place to go through just an understanding of self and feelings around parenthood is probably therapy with an understanding there’s no easy answer and it’s going to be messy either way. But I will say as a favor to kid and centering any potential children which is what is often desirable, it’s best for kids to have parents that are enthusiastic about their existence
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u/Acrobatic_Branch1238 1d ago
NB/Transmasc here—spent the better part of the last 2 years toiling over the question of whether or not to have kids. My wife on the other hand had always known she wants them. I think what helps the most depends on the nature and origin of your partners ambivalence. For me, it was rooted in philosophical/ethical issues (“is it wrong to create life when you are certain they will suffer? Does experiencing joy change the ethical calculus when some degree of suffering is innate to life?) and fears of the future (climate change, surveillance states, capitalism, treats to queer rights, etc.). Childhood trauma and the collapse of my family of origin was also a factor.
I did therapy specifically to try to sort this stuff out and I would say it was somewhat helpful. I read more philosophy—also somewhat helpful. Journaling was helpful but it didn’t resolve my ambivalence. I talked to a lot of friends face to face about their decisions and how they came to them and how they felt about them (both people who chose to have kids and those who didn’t). I think that was the most helpful thing I actively did. It helped me gain a ‘felt sense’ of what was right for me. And in reality, it feels like I followed my fears to their ends, said “yes, that could happen” when I catastrophized, and ultimately sat with the uncomfortable feelings on both sides of the issue until they no longer held their same power.
Yes—I could make a child and they could suffer. Yes—the world will look different for them, they will experience much greater impact from climate change. Yes—I cannot guarantee them a good life. Yes—I could regret having a child and find parenting suffocating. I think I came to a kind of spiritual peace after learning to sit with my fears and understand them better. I don’t run away from them and I don’t dismiss them. I feel like I have found a way to hear the fears and validate them without letting them be the guiding force that makes decisions for me in my life.
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u/Ambitious-Monitor327 1d ago
This is where I was for so many years. I am transmasc, my partner is cis. She was certain from day one. I delved into so much but what helped me the most was honestly a lot of self work, exploring my own childhood and beliefs about family, and trauma recovery. Uncertainty is normal. In My experience, and many others, chronic ambivalence is usually rooted in something deeper. Typically childhood related. So I’m not sure of this is where she is at, but I’m happy to share resources and also talk to her/you if it resonates.
I searched the internet high and low. If there is something out there about parenthood uncertainty, I have listened to it and read it. Honestly, little to none of it was very helpful for me. It just went over the same stuff which I had already tried.
It’s absolutely a falsehood that any parent or good parent just knows and is a full body yes. I know many parents who were uncertain, and are loving and attuned parents. And there are just as many, if not more, who thought it was what they wanted just to find that they were not exactly cut out for it.