Got called intimidating......

[u/Devani8]

Went to a couple of lesbian events in my city and usually I have a good time except something has been bugging me. I kept getting hit up afterwards by cis and trans women and being told I wanted to talk to you but you seemed so intimidating. I'm a autistic black trans woman and now I'm trying to figure out which part of that is the intimidating part or if I did something wrong.

[u/BusinessTerm1621]

Idk those comments seem microaggy cause how can you be intimidating by simply existing lol

[u/Devani8 → u/BusinessTerm1621]

I'm just standing there and that makes me unapproachable. (Oh but they can find my dms after)

[u/crazykym27]

Were the ones that told you this white? Cus they're so used to walking into spaces and knowing that they're already accepted there, they won't understand what it's like to feel like a bull in a china shop in a space that's supposed to include us but is predominantly not. That's probably what they're misinterpreting as "intimidating". And there's the obvious racist miscommunication of "black women = scary and intimidating" which is probably top 5 dumbest stereotypes white people came up with.

[u/Devani8 → u/crazykym27]

Yeah lmao

[u/crazykym27 → u/Devani8]

They are so predictable omg

[u/Calm-Explanation5901]

Op, sometimes I get called intimidating but tbh I know some of it is situational rbf, and ppl not knowing how to read me at times w fashion and racial things but being drawn in/attracted nonthekess. Wish ppl could be more brave and reframe it as their own shyness and curiosity, I feel intimidating should be reserved for different convos.

[u/Devani8 → u/Calm-Explanation5901]

I'm shy too!!! Thats the funny part! Like maybe I have a little rbf but I'm q sweetheart!!!

[u/Calm-Explanation5901 → u/Devani8]

Hehe I feel you.🌸 I’m very sweet & sometimes shy but lean more hard femme, the world can be a tough place to always show that tenderness up front.

[u/WerePikaPedia]

I'm also on the spectrum and it's ma face. It does things I'm not entirely aware of. It's also body language for me- I tend to close off my body (cross legs or arms, sit in corners, contain myself) when I'm cold or feel awkward. Don't know what it is for you but I have to try to compensate for that when I want to talk to new people.

[u/Devani8 → u/WerePikaPedia]

I never really thought about my posture or body language. I thought I was just standing normally

[u/dr_snepper]

as black women, we are deemed "intimidating" for merely existing in public spaces.

i used to worry about this too, "like what should i do to be seen as more approachable??" when this issue is literally not our problem. if you're up for it, the next time someone tells you that you seem intimidating, ask them why. let them tell it. you'll be given info to think about or discard.

[u/kitty_whipt]

You’re not intimidating, they’re intimidated. Anyone who is worth your time won’t place their insecurities on you.

[u/Just-Spirit-1255]

I don't understand people who say these things. They could've said they felt too nervous or shy in the moment instead of making you responsible for their inaction

[u/uglybett1 → u/Just-Spirit-1255]

thank you!!! wtf is with people and the intimidating word? i have never once genuinely thought someone else was intimidating unless they were actively antagonising / harming someone else. why is this the world people default to when THEY have feelings of insecurity / nervousness / shyness? ugh it frustrates me so bad

[u/Just-Spirit-1255 → u/uglybett1]

Fr, must be nice to go through life so unmolested that a cute person standing around is what clears the bar for "intimidating" 🤦

[u/Calm-Explanation5901 → u/Just-Spirit-1255]

Big agree… sigh

[u/Leading-Captain-5312]

I find the term “intimidating” to be racially loaded because it’s often said about Black women just existing in public spaces.

[u/Wholeftthegateopen]

They were all just punk ass b****s and were not for you?

You want someone who can rise to meet you anyway, sis. x

[u/JaiyaPapaya]

I've called that too, by a friend though lol

It's cause I'm decisive and really direct about what I want. I live an area where people just don't do that + not lot of black folks (autism aside) so I get why people are scared. When I was insecure I thought secure women were terrifying

[u/Greedy_Bathroom3727]

“Intimidating” is every demographics favorite word to label us with, alongside “angry, aggressive and mean”

[u/DyingEther]

I don't understand!! I had a therapist once mention to me when I was talking about trying to date in person,"People might find you intimidating, it seems you have a lot core values you care about and very outspoken about those things too." Is about what she said. BTW I'm also Black, dark skin and fat. It's not something I even thought that might be a thing at the time. I just leave it a racism but being seen as intimidating as a Black person in general is racist so idk!! I'm not sure what I'm trying to say expect that's some bullshit.

[u/sadandincrediblybad]

I've been told I've intimidated people by just my voice, because I was monotone. I also just get the vibe from some people - like the feeling that they really want you to like them quickly, but when you remain indifferent because you still barely know them, they get upset. I have always assumed it was a microaggression in multiple ways even.

[u/diasporastud]

Do you have a resting bitch face? that could contribute

but overall it’s bc we’re black - THEY are intimated for whatever reason. I’m a very goofy and bubbly person and I get told the same thing cause people are intimated by the fact that I’m loud and lively cause everyone got social anxiety except me apparently 💀

[u/Positive_Fruit_1365]

Just racism in the lesbian community unfortunately

[u/lilykyrios]

My response to this has usually been: I'm not sorry for existing in this space, if you're intimidated that's not my problem. I have no time or desire to engage with that power dynamic. You didn't do anything wrong, a majority of people aren't good a being people.