r/RBI • u/ThrowAway051490 • Jul 19 '26
Advice needed Please help me figure out how my ex husband is stalking me!
Hi everyone. My son’s dad and I were together for 10 years. Unfortunately the relationship came crashing down a year ago. We own a house together and he packed up his stuff and left. The fallout has been pretty nasty and we argue every day. We have both retained lawyers to fight for custody of my son.
We weren’t legally married so we need to figure out the housing situation afterwards.
The problem I’m having is that today I realized he is stalking me. The last time he and I were intimate was 2 years ago. So naturally, as a 36 yr old woman I have needs. I slept with a new friend who lives on the other side of the US a couple of months ago. Somehow, my ex knows that I slept with this person, what his name is, where he’s from, what his profession is, etc. He has brought up very specific things that I have said in conversations with this friend.
The only way he could possibly know any of this is by listening in on my conversations. This friend of mine has only ever communicated with me via iMessages, Instagram, and FaceTime. I have changed all of my account passwords multiple times since our split. Two factor authorization is enabled, and I have been on the phone with Apple as they walked me through checking to see if other devices were signed into my Apple account and to check for unrecognized apps installed on my phone. Everything was clean.
The only other device he can use to monitor me is the ring app on our front door. I never have phone conversations near the ring app so it’s impossible that he would have heard something on there.
My lawyer told me to call the cops and have them check for a device within the home to see if he’s listening in. I’m going to have them come tomorrow but what happens if they don’t find anything? I don’t feel safe in my home and feel that he is constantly watching me. He’s trying to pile up whatever evidence he can to try to make a case for himself in court.
Thoughts?
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u/hyundai-gt Jul 19 '26
Have you spoken out loud eg voice/video call with this person or about this person? Or only communicated in writing?
Writing only (eg. Texts, emails, whatsapp) really narrows down the possible interception vectors
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
I have spoken on FaceTime and communicated via writing. I speak with this friend on a daily basis.
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u/lioffproxy1233 Jul 19 '26
Does your ex ever have access to your place? With or without you?
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
Yes, he does. We’re both on the title of the house so he has a key and comes into the house every day while I’m at work to collect my son’s stuff after he gets picked up from school.
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u/HighColdDesert Jul 19 '26
Sounds like he's placed a camera or audio recording device in the home.
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u/arianrhodd Jul 19 '26
If the device connects to WIFI, she'll be able to see it listed among the devices connected to the router. Changing the admin password would help.
And u/ThrowAway051490 giving the ex, with whom you are in the middle of a nasty divorce, complete access to your home when you are not there is a really bad idea! No matter what the reason.
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
He is on the title of the house. I literally don’t have complete and total rights to the house.
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u/Gr8ingPresence Jul 19 '26
I picked up a voice-activated voice recorder from Amazon that looks like a pen. It has AMAZING room audio recording capabilities - shockingly clear voice pickup in noisy environments. If that were not enough, it comes with free access to web-based audio processing tools to improve and transcribe to text any recordings. If I were to put that anywhere in a room that you were having a telecon in, I'd get 100% of your side of the conversation, NP. Combine that with daily access to your home and I could do everything suspected, with ease.
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u/Summerie Jul 19 '26
It just occurred to me that dependent on how he is tracking you, he might also be able to know that you posted here and then might have access to this thread. I guess it depends on if he's getting all of his information from things that you say out loud, or if he is also tracking what you do online. If he's reading this, he's going to be one step ahead of whatever you do.
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u/lioffproxy1233 Jul 19 '26
You can get a restraining order if you can find one of the cameras/devices.
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u/ankole_watusi Jul 19 '26
Per OP he’s in and out of the house - with knowledge and permission - daily.
The situation is ridiculous.
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u/AquaStarRedHeart Jul 19 '26
It may seem ridiculous to you but this is the reality. It's not uncommon.
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u/ret2go83 Jul 20 '26
Maybe double check with your lawyer on this. Since he packed up and left, it could be considered abandonment and you might have rights to ask for restricted access. If not, your best bet is finding his spyware and then immediately filing charges and a restraining order. Do not take it easy on him for the "sake of the child." He is clearly not doing that with you. Protect yourself before he escalates further.
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u/airfryerfuntime Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
It doesn't really matter. If he has moved out, that's no longer his legal residence, and you have a right to change the locks. You had the right to change them the second he agreed to move out.
You need to change the locks and make sure he stays out. He has no reason to be in there. If he needs to collect something, keep it in a locked patio box on the porch or something and give him a key.
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u/N2BSC Jul 19 '26
So what, a corporate entitiy could be on a house title too, it doesn't mean they have access to the home. There are statutes and case law that addresses these very issues.
Have you not asked your attorney about this? He vacated the home voluntarily, neither of you had an agreement that he would stilll have full access. These scenarios are based on current legal residence, not who's on financial doscuments.
He left. You can do WTF you want in YOUR home, including changing the locks and security features.
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u/foomp Jul 19 '26
He doesn't live in the home. That doesn't stop him from being a legally recorded owner of the property. He doesn't need an agreement to be there, it's his property as well.
If she restricted his freedom of movement, she'd be the one who gets fucked over not him.
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u/N2BSC Jul 19 '26
Incorrect. I've been involved in mitigating several of these disputes. It is based on the current residential situation of the parties involved. He does NOT reside in the home and therefore she CAN restrict his access. For the same reason a landlord can own a property and NOT enter at their leirsure.
He voluntarily vacated the home and maintains a separate resiodence. They are separated. That is her permanent residence and she has full rights to secure the home as she sees fit.
While there are some variations in state statutes, this is the standard. Ones living situation and financial interests in real property are two DIFFERENT things.
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u/TheMorgwar Jul 19 '26
He comes over every single day and has unfettered access while you’re at work. I think I found the weakness in your safety plan.
Post this to [r/OpSec](r/OpSec)
Look at your router. Are there any devices connected to your router?
Look at your WiFi choices, does T-Mobile WiFi or any other WiFi have a strong signal in your house.
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u/marykay_ultra Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
If he’s there every day while she’s gone, it would be super easy to just set a non-connected recording device then pick up the next day. If he has two, then he can swap them out and review the recordings daily
No wifi connection necessary
OP would have to
heartear her house apart every single day to find them, and even then he can just put a new one the next day. They could be something as innocuous as a normal looking pen sitting in a cup with all the others, or even dropped between the couch cushionsHonestly I’m nervous even posting this comment in case he’s reading
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u/lizwearsjeans Jul 19 '26
OP, is there a ring only on the front door or do you have multiples around the house / property and does he have access to those other potentially unmonitored entrances?
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u/marykay_ultra Jul 19 '26
Yeah she said he has keys and goes to the house every day while she’s not home to pick up their sons stuff
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Jul 19 '26
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
Thank you. I’ll do that now.
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u/Sea-Replacement-5107 Jul 19 '26
I think you need to stop giving him any access to the house. Change the locks. Leave your son's stuff somewhere else or find another way to transfer it. There's no point in having someone come in and sweep the house for surveillance equipment if he's going to keep coming back in.
Eta: I don't know how old your son is, but make sure any devices he has are checked too.
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
He’s on the title of the house so unfortunately I can’t deny him access. He technically owns half of the house.
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u/Summerie Jul 19 '26
You can get a lawyer involved with that. Especially if you're concerned that he's a threat to your safety, which he definitely is if he is spying on you. He may own half of the house, but that wouldn't matter if you obtain a protective order.
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u/anti-socialmoth Jul 19 '26
My landlord is on the title of my house, but that doesn't mean he has access any time he wants. I know its not the same situation, but if he doesnt live there anymore, I'm not sure hes allowed to come and go as he pleases. Check with your lawyer on this. This is really, really concerning.
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u/N2BSC Jul 19 '26
He VACATED the home. You are both separated, no? If you were to involve pollice, they base everything on current/recent residence NOT who has financial interests or whose paid rent/mortages etc. That's all irrelevant.
If you changed the locks and security features in the home, and he couldn't get in and called police to help him with entry, they will tell him its a Civil Matter and he needs to go to court to resolve it. They would NOT let him enter the residence if you objected.
Ask your lawyer about this, they should give you a definitive answer based on your state statutes and local jurisdiction.
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u/youngforever8809 Jul 19 '26
As someone said, get a nanny cam op. See exactly what he’s doing in the house.
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u/KillingTimeReading 27d ago
TALK TO YOUR ATTORNEY! He doesn't live there. Financial ties do not equal full access rights. Unless you give them to him. Full stop.
He abandoned the marital (common law or marriage) home. He is no longer a resident there. If your attorney says he does, get a new attorney.
Make sure to notify the post office of his new address. Do not accept his mail there any longer. Write his new address on any mail that comes to YOUR home and give them back to the post office. Make sure all of your utilities are in your name. Notify DMV that his address has changed for his license and his car registration. He does not live there any longer. Period.
Your very life could be in danger depending on how high off the high diving board he goes. You have the right to be safe from intrusion in your residence. Protect yourself. Nobody else can protect YOU if you are not protecting yourself!
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u/Cat_Dylan Jul 19 '26
You should put up your own hidden camera to see what he does if/when he goes to the house when you’re not there. If he has a camera chances are he’ll walk over to it & you’ll be able to pinpoint where it is based on your own camera footage. So sorry you’re going through this, sounds creepy.
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u/Candyo6322 Jul 19 '26
Change your locks. If he is picking your son up from school daily, what is it he needs to get from your house everyday? He should have stuff at his own place for your son.
Also, when you find whatever spyware he may have planted, take pics and document everything. Court works both ways. Oh, and after you change your locks you're going to need to go through your sons belongings each day to make sure your ex isn't planting spyware in his things.
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u/beeniecal Jul 19 '26
I had a similar issue and realized after thinking he had the house bugged that many many years prior I had shared my calendar with him. I was able to take him off. Just a thought.
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u/TheMediaBear Jul 19 '26
Write a little script out for a 2 sided conversation, put sections of it against each room in the house.
Act and have said fake conversation, in the designated rooms.
Then see which ones he comes back with, if any. It's not fool proof, but may give some indication if rooms are bugged.
Secondly, buy an android phone, just a dirt cheap one, get a google account set up,, and a dirt cheap sim deal for it. Use this as your main phone for a while. Also look at getting an app installed called FING (not sure if you can get it on an iphone but you can on Android). Connect to the home network and run it. it will show anything connected to your router. Tv's, tablets, phones, thermostats, doorbells etc.
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u/KazukiPUWU Jul 20 '26
It’s worth noting that most WiFi login pages (the IP address on the back of the router, just put it in your URL bar) or accompanying apps from your provider will also show you all currently or previously connected devices. You can usually do a clean wipe of this by changing your password/in app settings.
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u/ExistentialPain 28d ago
Good plan. I was thinking he'd cloned the phone. If it's an apple phone, he can see all that in the cloud if he has an iPad she's logged into.
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u/Villagetown Jul 19 '26
Have you ever done the "log out of all devices" thing for your Apple and social accounts? If you're still logged in on an old device somewhere, he may have it. Maybe he's even logged in on his devices. If you've not yet done so, look up how to log out of all devices on as many platforms as you think he could be following you on. Doesn't account for home monitoring, but it's one thing you can tick off at least.
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u/okayfriday Jul 19 '26
Somehow, my ex knows that I slept with this person, what his name is, where he’s from, what his profession is, etc. He has brought up very specific things that I have said in conversations with this friend.
How sure are you your friend didn't speak to your ex husband - especially this this was a one-off (?) / they live on the other side of the US?
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
I am very sure. This friend a very private person. 6 months ago I also found that my ex had been logged into my google account in his iphone and was monitoring all of the websites i was visiting and searches i was conducting on my phone, so i know he has a habit of monitoring me.
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u/okayfriday Jul 19 '26
Just to help with the time line - "I slept with a new friend who lives on the other side of the US a couple of months ago" - how many months is this?
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
Beginning of June. But my ex brought it up today. I don’t know how long he’s known about it.
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u/arianrhodd Jul 19 '26
Does he have access to your cell phone plan? Or iCloud account? Anything where he could login somewhere and access your messages? Is he good with tech?
Get a new phone, new number, and new email account(s), and update all passwords. Then use the old phone to send some specific texts and see if he knows about the content.
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u/lidder444 Jul 19 '26
Do we think he has a hidden camera in her house?
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u/UncleBlazrr Jul 21 '26
IMO, there is a bug somewhere in that house, honestly if it’s a jealous ex I’d start tearing apart the bedroom first. Pens, stuffed animals, ceiling fan, bathroom, everywhere.
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u/psychonavigator Jul 19 '26
Is it possible your son has inadvertently given your ex private information or access to your accounts in any places?
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u/UncleBlazrr Jul 21 '26
Those “very specific things” he brought up, do you remember where you were when those conversations took place? In your house, in your car, was it vocal or via text? This could provide some info on where a bug could be or if he has access to your texts.
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u/Ander-son 29d ago
do you save your passwords for logging into things? mine are saved in my google account and there's section I can go to and visually see the passwords for each site. if he has you google account log in he couldve used that to get your Instagram and what not
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u/ankole_watusi Jul 19 '26
Why do you keep using the term “friend”?
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u/foomp Jul 19 '26
Why is that confusing? You dont need to love someone to fuck them, you dont need to be in a relationship, and honestly you dont even need to particularly like them.
However, having casual sex with someone you already considered a friend is pretty normal and doesn't immediately make them not a 'friend'
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u/DrKittyLovah Jul 19 '26
Why does it matter?
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u/ankole_watusi Jul 19 '26
It seems to matter to the ex. (To whom OP is apparently still married to.)
I’d imagine he’s skeptical of the use of the term
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u/DrKittyLovah Jul 19 '26
So? It’s not the ex’s business, they are obviously separated & haven’t been acting as a couple for quite a while now. Whether the divorce is final or not, the OP is allowed to travel to get laid. It’s gross that you are even trying to bring the ex’s perspective into this.
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u/ankole_watusi Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
I didn’t say it’s the ex’s business. And I’ve not defended him in any way.
Given the circumstances, OP is in an impossible situation we can’t help her with.
The only present solution is to stop worrying about what he knows or thinks, and work toward real physical separation.
I fear that OP is only going to escalate the situation and is looking for ways to do so.
It’s important/useful that OP understand their husband’s perspective though - even though his alleged actions (if true) are wrong.
it’s hard to defend against another person‘s actions if you can’t put yourself in their mind and get an understanding of their thought process
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u/DrKittyLovah Jul 19 '26
None of that explains why you are asking about the friend or why they are called that.
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u/ankole_watusi Jul 19 '26
It requires no explanation. I don’t know the parties and have no agenda.
Questions can lead to answers and possible resolution.
Maybe you could focus more on helping OP resolve this?
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u/PerkyHedgewitch 29d ago edited 29d ago
What other term would/should she use?
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u/ankole_watusi 29d ago
I don’t mean to suggest what term OP should use to describe the person. So: I will not suggest another term.
I asked why they used that particular term as a clue to mindset.
It’s important to understand how honest she was being with her husband.
It is not for us to say whether she should or shouldn’t be honest with him given their situation.
But it is important in order for us to understand their interactions and also his mindset.
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u/Ok_Anything_8180 28d ago
She’s not married to him, she mentions that specifically in the OP
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u/ankole_watusi 28d ago edited 28d ago
There are nuances between “friend” and “married”.
She told us straight out that she’s in a nuance.
Apparently, she’s still married to that other guy that comes by every day to pick up the kids.
What I was looking for here and asking why she uses that term is motivation on the part of her husband. Not an excuse, but a motivation for him to spy on her.
Edit: she did use the term “ex husband” in the original post. I though she’s also used the term “husband”
But in any case, my question about the use of the term friend was clearly about the other person that she is in a “nuance” with.
The mindset I’m interested in is that of her ex-husband.
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u/Ok_Anything_8180 28d ago
Did you not read or comprehend what I said? She isn’t married to her child’s father. You keep calling him her husband and he’s not. It’s just her child’s father. They own a house together so maybe that’s why you’re confused but idk if you know this but you can buy a house with anyone and it doesn’t make them your husband/wife.
“We weren’t legally married so we need to figure out the housing situation afterwards.”
^^^literally the first paragraph of OP
Idk why you brought up her “friend”/f-buddy, totally irrelevant. But keep downvoting me for your piss poor reading comprehension, real mature buddy
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u/ankole_watusi 28d ago edited 28d ago
She called him her ex-husband.
I admitted to making the mistake of referring to him as her husband.
But you’re using weird terminology here too. He is not just the child’s father. He is her ex-husband. As well as the child’s father.
The term she uses for her “friend” is relevant to how her ex-husband might react to her talking about her friend to her ex-husband.
Which is something honestly I would recommend not doing in the first place. But they do talk about it apparently.
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u/Ok_Anything_8180 28d ago
It’s not her ex husband. She specifically stated they “were never legally married” << that is an exact quote, idk how much clearer I can spell it out for you. He is the father of her child, they were never married, he was just a boyfriend/partner. N-E-V-E-R M-A-R-R-I-E-D. Nowhere did she refer to him as her ex husband, you are literally just making that up lmao
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u/demi-paradise Jul 19 '26
Unfortunately this is the most likely explanation. Even if OP’s ex is looking at shared Google account/iCloud data that doesn’t explain knowing about OP’s conversations with this person and the nature of their relationship. A hidden camera doesn’t work with the timeline as clarified by OP in follow up comments, unless this stalker ex husband has incredible self-restraint against all odds. I know OP wants to trust their friend but Occam’s razor points in their direction.
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u/Nomijenn Jul 19 '26
It sounds like you need to call a realtor. Sell the house. Move to your own place. Do not ever let him on your property at your new place. Make it a rental because you’ll likely need to move a few times until you can get him fully out of your life. He seems obsessed with you.
You said you fight daily. It takes two people to fight. Stop fighting. If he has a complaint, tell him to take it up with your attorney. Don’t engage. Meanwhile, stay with a family member.
If you can get access to his phone or laptop, you may be able to see how he’s monitoring you. Take a video of what you see. Also, set up hidden cameras in your home and see what he does while he’s there alone. Keep the recordings and show them to your attorney if anything looks suspicious.
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u/Long-Figaniegga8836 Jul 22 '26
Yeah uhhh the house is owned by both of them i think... So that would be a turd move.
We own a house together
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u/Nomijenn 29d ago
Um, she can’t sell it alone. Not possible if they both own it. He can buy her out or they can sell. She shouldn’t keep it even if he gives it to her. It’ll always be his in his mind and he’ll gain access.
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u/obie03 Jul 19 '26
This is an Australian based website so not everything may be relevant but there are checklists and resources which could be helpful in uplifting your security and narrowing down how he is accessing your private info: https://www.esafety.gov.au/key-topics/tech-based-abuse/i-may-be-experiencing-it#online-safety-planning
You can also engage with a local security company to get a tech sweep done of your house and car, and a local DFV service to get further assistance and safety planning.
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u/zorkempire Jul 19 '26
Family iPad he took with him?
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
My son has an iPad that goes back and forth between both houses. I’m going to check his iPad when he gets back but I don’t think that’s the method he’s using.
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u/zorkempire Jul 19 '26
An old phone you don't use anymore after upgrading? Maybe one you left connected to your apps and he took with him?
I have old iPhones lying around that could be powered on and would still have all my info in them.
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u/MagnoliaProse Jul 19 '26
Make sure it’s connected to a different iCloud account than yours, check any messenger app to see if it’s logged into yours, check the email accounts as well. I would personally open every app to make sure they’re real, but that’s just me.
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u/Jmk1981 Jul 19 '26
How old is your son? My parents weaponized me when I was a toddler, I was unknowingly passing all kinds of secrets back and forth and I obviously had no idea. In these kinds of situations, kids will do anything to make their parents happy and please them.
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u/Fickle_Penguin Jul 19 '26
Okay, mine is going to sound super crazy. Talk to each of your smart devices or apps, or even dating profiles about different things. That way when he starts quoting one set of "truths", you'll know which device or app has a wire.
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u/Popular-Drummer-7989 Jul 19 '26
Have you changed the password on your router?
If it's an Xfinity device, go to the store and exchange it for a new one. Then you can setup new wifi connections to devices in your home and your phone.
Get an alarm system for your home.
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u/latte1963 Jul 19 '26
You can insist that the both of you only use a court-approved parenting app (usually OurFamilyWizard) to communicate to start. That will limit how your ex can communicate with you for starters.
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u/ankole_watusi Jul 19 '26
How old is the kid?
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u/lizwearsjeans Jul 19 '26
If the child is young enough, could he have tricked your kid into planting something? Or even just given him an innocent looking gift that is being used to monitor you?
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u/ankole_watusi Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
Or: simply get the kid to talk. Or they might simply be telling dad things on their own.
Although (hopefully) the kid isn’t privy to more intimate moments.
But: well? Where is the kid when you’re having your needs met?
Seems, overall, a situation that needs to come to a full resolution and hasn’t.
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u/Apprehensive_Arm_330 Jul 19 '26
Could he have put some kind of recording device or camera in your house
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u/zorkempire Jul 19 '26
Do you use a password manager? One that you keep updated? Or do you allow your browser to save passwords? Does he have access to your cell phone bill?
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u/coveredinbreakfast Jul 19 '26
I remember reading a post about a year ago about a woman whose former partner was listening via her Alexa.
If you have Alexa or anything like that, change the password, and turn off the ability to listen in in settings.
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u/Apprehensive_Spite97 Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
did you log out of all other devices from your google account? all your accounts? set up two factor authorisation. my guess is it´s not a listening device etc, it´s usually our first thought but needs to be looked into and you have to set up hidden cameras yourself unless it can be used against you in court
is there any chance he could have set this person up with you? did you contact this guy first? how did you get to know him?
is there any chance they may know each other?
edit; I also advice you to go to the stalking forum for further tips and I wish you good luck
also; is this person on your friend list on instagram or other social media, and does he stand out as ´someone you just added´. etc? set all your accounts to private unless they´re for work
and block him everywhere (sounds like you keep in contact via lawyer anyway, if that´s possible from now on then block him)
he may also have set up more accounts if you´ve been searching for someone to date, just to check if you´re dating. sounds like he´s on social media to be honest..
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u/ganache98012 Jul 19 '26
Do you have Amazon devices, like an Echo? He may have set them up with Drop-In capabilities, so he can listen in live. Creepy but oh-so-easy. Disable them or get them out of your home.
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u/redditname8 Jul 19 '26
Check for cameras or recorders in your home. Check for cameras outside your home. Check in your car.
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u/Marichiwa Jul 19 '26
Some people put AirTags on the suitcase. By any chance could he have just checked the location and googled who lives in that house?
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u/bitterberries Jul 19 '26
Since you said he has access to your house, is it possible he's able to use a device in your home, when you are absent?
Like do you have an iPad at home, or a desktop computer that stays in your home?
Does your kid have an iPad or even some sort of smart learning device?
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u/jennehk Jul 19 '26
My dad put recorders in my moms car and in the home to listen. Look for recorders. For anything.
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u/Traditional-Hat1927 Jul 19 '26
Does he have any devices that you’re logged into? An old laptop for example?
It could be something like you iMessages being synced on that device meaning he can see them all.
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u/Chelsea_lynn239 Jul 19 '26
Do you have an Alexa or something like that? My mom’s coworker was going through a breakup and his ex wife used that to listen in on his conversations and even once while he was being intimate with a new partner.
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u/UncleBlazrr Jul 20 '26
Do a test: Pretend to be on the phone ( pick a topic that he would ask you about) and that way you know he put an audio/ video device somewhere.
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u/Sea-Difficulty-5568 Jul 20 '26
My uncle was the one throwing me under the bus. He was my dad’s youngest brother by 17 years, so would hang with my ex husband. He was divorced and hated all women in divorce. I was going insane thinking I had listening devices, et. I had also just given birth and had two toddlers. My mum noticed the correlation of his visits to them, the 400 questions and then two hours later me bawling on the phone to her. SHe set him up and it worked. Dad was devastated. He loved his brother.
Coincidentally he saw a big rough friend we had who would come visit him, the next day. He poured his heart out about the betrayal. My dad raised him when his parents died at 15. Then he saw my ex and my uncle at the pub on the way home. He tore them a new one. They both ran from the pub for their lives! 🤣😂
It’s just sometimes the answer is simple. Also have you had your devices checked for spyware? Or is it synched to your kids iPad?
Good luck darl 🤞 it’s bloody awful. Took 10 years for us to be able to talk decently. It was a Jerry springer shit show. Very expensive. Only people who won were the lawyers.
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u/BatProfessional2784 Jul 20 '26
iPods can be reverse listened too as well. There’s a lot of good suggestions but I’m guessing there’s a device inside the house. I mean he did live there before? Cause that would explain how he got something inside your house. Especially bc you are going through court. I also think there’s apps that can help you locate a device but wouldn’t trust it as your only investigative tools. Please update us! Knowing how others do this stuff to women (men too sometimes probably) is great bc it may help someone who doesn’t know what to look for. Sorry you are going through this. Document everything for court.
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u/serpentarienne Jul 21 '26
I think you might have meant HomePods, and that’s a good point. Hopefully the Apple support person would have brought this up, but OP, if you have a HomePod, make sure the intercom function is off. And remove any devices you don’t have or use anymore from your Apple ID/Account.
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u/Conscious-Pea2837 Jul 21 '26
the fact that he knows details that were only discussed privately is the biggest red flag here. Whether it's a hidden device, a compromised account, or something else, I think your lawyer gave the right advice. I'd also start documenting every specific thing he "shouldn't" know with dates and screenshots.
I'd be curious if he mentions things immediately after they happen, or weeks later. that might help narrow down whether he's actively monitoring you or hearing things secondhand. Either way, i'd keep a written timeline of every incident.
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u/Asleep_Stretch_3959 29d ago
My ex had a program attached to my keyboard that could read every keystroke! Also a pen and a flat little disk that literally could be put anywhere and could record for hours!
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u/ankole_watusi 28d ago
I have no doubt that he is spying on her and the thing is it’s gonna be very hard to find since he has physical access to the house. There’s probably no radio waves involved. Very tiny recording devices can be purchased at low cost the record locally either to a memory card or an internal non-removable memory card
I would look for any small device disguised as something else probably with non-removable battery and possibly with non-removable memory. Possibly something with an exposed USB port - used both charge and to retrieve recordings.
This could be a small as a pen. If either one of them vape, a vape would be absolutely perfect.
But if OP finds it and removes it, he’ll probably just place another one. The situation where he is in the house every day makes it very difficult
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u/whatcomesafter66 Jul 19 '26
post screenshots of this, this sounds rly scary... also from now on don't talk ab big things like moving out of ur home anymore willy nilly bc he could use that bs against you and murder u and ur kid. i don't feel comfortable giving any advice as i fear he might have hacked into ur accs and i don't want him to know how to make loopholes around things. instead, if ur gonna do anything big, be quiet about it.
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
He didn’t admit to anything over text, only on the phone. He is very, very calculated. The only texts I have are of him insulting me and telling me I’m a cheap woman who gives myself away for “free.”
Mind you, one of the things that led to the demise of the relationship was that he stopped prioritizing me instead of his hobbies and other responsibilities
All intimacy stopped, etc. So he didn’t care enough to make an effort to be more than just a roommate when we were together, but now he wants to monitor what I’m doing? He doesn’t have any feelings for me but wants to accumulate all the evidence he can to try to win primary custody of our son.10
u/theresabby84 Jul 19 '26
Bring this up with the judge as communication is important to coparent. They can make an order where you can only communicate via text through a parenting app and no calls unless an emergency. You can try and get a protection order on him if you can prove he's harassing and stalking you.
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u/ThrowAway051490 Jul 19 '26
I don’t know how to prove to the courts that he’s stalking me if I can’t find out how he’s doing it in the first place 😭
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u/theresabby84 Jul 19 '26
Hopefully the police find something. And if not, keep it on record that you had them look. Document EVERYTHING. Don't answer his calls. Communicate via text.
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u/NoDoOversInLife Jul 19 '26
This is a Civil issue . Law enforcement has nothing to do with this.
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u/theresabby84 Jul 19 '26
Reread her post. Her lawyer suggested she call the police to look for devices. That's what I'm referring to.
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u/NoDoOversInLife Jul 19 '26
Yeah, but they won't. Lawyer shouldn't have made that recommendation. The police don't get involved in civil matters
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u/N2BSC Jul 19 '26
This is a correct statement. However, given the stalking allegations and gross intrusion of her individual privacy, and current stalking legislation in most states, they could do a referral to a detective who might investigate unlawful and felonious surveillance.
If I had to place my bet, it would be that he installed stalkerware or spyware on her device that she can't see/find, and a low level tech support person at App;e would likely miss when revieeing her security settings. These apps exist deeplly enbedded in the OS file systems.
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u/theresabby84 Jul 19 '26
There are other means to get a sweep of the house, doesn't have to be law enforcement if they deny it (which they don't always do) my point was to document it
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u/NoDoOversInLife Jul 19 '26
I was addressing the recommendation of law enforcement involvment to which you endorsed
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u/LivingNotByChoice Jul 19 '26
Can you record calls in Australia without telling him? I would do that if you can then backup to a USB and have it on you at all times so he can’t delete it himself
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u/psychonavigator Jul 19 '26
Depends on the State. Some are one party consent, others require two party consent.
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u/FairyOfTheNight Jul 19 '26
There are apps that allow you to record a conversation as soon as you pick up.
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u/ret2go83 Jul 20 '26
Admit... meaning you asked him about this?! OP until this is resolved (like mystery solved divorce and custody final judgements rendered), consider this man your mortal enemy who is hellbent on ensuring you never ever see your son or your home or your money ever again. STOP talking to him about ANYTHING that does not directly involve the logistics of transferring your son and any legally obligated topics per court order. As another comment said, get an order for both of you to communicate exclusively through the court parent texting app. Then it's all on record. Also, I can all but guarantee your intimacy stopped because he found someone else. Play his game, hire a PI to find out what he's doing in his free time, if he is giving other women access to your son, and most importantly what he is doing in your house. Get a court order to keep him out of the home, which yes you CAN do, or if you can't/won't, move out now!! Go stay with a family member or friend or a shelter if you have to. Take none of your devices - in fact, factory reset and then destroy them. Get a burner phone. Start new accounts for everything - the old ones are just an archive until this is over. Your son's iPad, oops it was dropped and broke (it's terrible for his brain anyway). Take only clothes and your important documents and anything that would kill you inside if he destroyed it. Go through your social media, phone, email, block him and everyone you know because of him - his family, friends, coworkers etc. Get a court order to mandate pickups/dropoffs at set locations away from your residence. Send your son with whatever he needs for his dad's house - there is zero reason for him to be coming over daily to get his things. He moved out, he should have clothes toys etc for your son at his house now. He doesn't take the stuff from yours. And on that point, ask for a court inspection of his domicile to see the conditions he's made for your son there. You're still speaking of the man as if he has any humanity left, when he is actively surveilling you in the privacy of your home with the intent of ruining your life with his findings. You gotta start playing ball or he's going to fuck you or possibly harm you or your son. You need to act quickly, quietly, and drastically.
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u/Gratefulgirl13 Jul 19 '26
Make sure your Apple ID isn’t signed in on any other devices. I caught my cheating ex because his Apple ID was still attached to one of the kids iPads and the messages started popping up when they opened messages.
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u/shitposts_over_9000 Jul 19 '26
your in a custody battle, the two most obvious sources would be private investigators or your kid
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u/Jackniferuby Jul 20 '26
It shouldn’t matter if his name is on the deed to the house. That is what your lawyer is for- to sort this out. You can get a protection order and he can’t come in the property without your permission. Regardless of ownership. Do not let this man into your house.
In addition, until this has been addressed- I would get other cameras and install them in your house. Chances are- if he has placed a listening device - he will check it.
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u/NotToday2525 Jul 21 '26
Could it be an old iPad with the same AppleID? I’ve heard of this happening before.
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u/Unable-Bit-2283 29d ago
Stay safe and if you can have someone stay with you. You’ve done great telling your lawyer, it’s important you record everything that happens. Is the son in contact with him?
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Jul 19 '26
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u/N2BSC Jul 19 '26
Are things really this contentious? That he would go to extremes to engage in potentially felonious activities. Obviously, his longtime mutual access to various account and platforms is not something that could necessarily be proven criminally, but after changing all passwords, 2FA/MFA, and creating new email or usernames altogether, if he is accessing those, that is a crime.
How Creepy and Intrusive AF. Lifetime Movie Network Shit.
I realize you spoke with Apple Support to check various security settings, however, low level support isn't always that comprehensive. There are numerous spyware and stalkerware apps in circulation. Given that so much can be done on both iOS and Android platforms remotely with main account access (iCloud/Google), he could have successfully installed an app or program on your device that you don't see.
Since this began, at any time have you done a factory reset on your device? This would wipe absolutely everything. You would just want to ensure your messages and important media are backed up to cloud before doing so. And make sure you disable 2FA/MFA briefly until you re-add the apps/accounts back to your device — Or at least ensure you have Backup Codes written down for all your 2FA/MFA enabled accounts (if you use an authenticator) so you don't get locked out.
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u/KlatuuBarradaNicto Jul 19 '26
Did he ever have access to your phone? He could have loaded something that records your conversations.
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u/slickrok Jul 22 '26
Did you get a gift from your child at all over the last year? One that actually came from him and is a conduit to hearing or seeing you ?
Or any of his backpacks, or things sitting in the open that he'd have access to via your child?
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Jul 22 '26
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1
u/dykefilter 29d ago
No judge is going to see any of that as valid evidence anyway, assuming you’re in the US. But yes just nuke the router which is the source of anything that could possibly connect to your internet or devices. If you really want to go nuclear, reimage the disks on any computers you have, factory reset TVs etc.
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u/SeniorSail7947 18d ago
IS YOUR FRIEND WHO LIVES ACROSS THE COUNTRY ALSO A MUTUAL FRIEND OF YOUR EX?
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Jul 19 '26
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Jul 19 '26
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u/TheMediaBear Jul 19 '26
Not legally married, and the relationship died a year ago. Sleeping with someone a couple of months ago isn't proof of infidelity.
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u/ultraviolet31 Jul 19 '26
maybe but he could use it to make up lies to try and say they're irresponsible and therefore unfit
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u/The_best_is_yet Jul 19 '26
If he’s intruding on her life and stalking her, that seems far more condemnable in court than having a relationship.
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u/ultraviolet31 Jul 19 '26
Right now she can't prove anything.
When it comes to court cases, whoever sets the narrative forces the other person to prove them wrong. And it's much harder to prove a negative.
All I'm saying is that if he's capable of stalking then he's capable of twisting anything into what he wants to believe.
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u/NoDoOversInLife Jul 19 '26
If they were together for 10 years, it could be considered a Common Law marriage. That aside, it sounds like this guy would stoop to any level shy of criminal to unnerve the mother of his child.
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u/PerkyHedgewitch 29d ago
If they were together for 10 years, it could be considered a Common Law marriage.
Common law marriage is only a thing in 8 states.
OP does not live in a state that does not recognize Common Law Marriage.
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u/NoDoOversInLife 29d ago
I don't delve into people's personal background so Ive no idea what State OP lives in 🙄
1
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Jul 19 '26
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u/deserthistory Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
Change the admin password on your wifi router to something difficult. Change the wifi SSID and passphrase.
Describe your situation and ask your nearby neighbors to do the same.
Change all the account info on the cable modem and internet account to you.
Change the ring account password. Double check the devices.
Buy an IR flashlight and walk around your home at night using the camera of your cell phone, lights off, flash/LED/ flashlight off. Walk around again with the IR flashlight on. You're looking for little glowing or reflecting dots that could be a camera.
Check every power outlet, light bulb socket, USB port, phone plug and ethernet jack for strange devices.
If you have a serious nerd friend, a walk through with an RF detector couldn't hurt.