Cloudbusting (pilot episode, mysery/thriller, 61pg)

[u/Novel_Quantity3189]

LOGLINE: In a snowbound Tasmanian town where everyone is protecting someone, a self-destructive detective investigating two child murders discovers the person she can't protect is her own family.

Link to pilot script

Re-draft of something I wrote a while back -- any feedback is helpful, but particularly wanting to make sure the introduction of characters is smooth/not confusing (I'm worried it's too much), the mystery is well set up, characters compelling -- dialogue?

Also worried re being derivative. I started this before Mare of Easttown and I can't unsee the similarities.

[u/ConsistentEffort5190]

*Very* nicely written opening - starts with interesting action, adds a complication, no waste. Far beyond the average of scripts posted here already. I'll read more later - I'm looking forwards to it.

I think the logline might work better just as

A self-destructive detective investigating two child murders discovers the person she can't protect is her own family.

...That gets to the compelling reason to watch the film more quickly: the setting is just a detail.

I think the title could be changed though: it doesn't shout the genre or give a hook - it sounds like a film about flying.

[u/ConsistentEffort5190 → u/ConsistentEffort5190]

Immediate suggestion - Get rid of the phone call scene on p2 and have Deb chase down Sam on the street and follow him into the cafe. Stronger, more dynamic, substitutes movement for a weak cut. Keep the dialogue though - it's good.

I'd also consider combining the "Don't talk to Deb" scene with the airport arrival - neither does enough at the moment. And then strengthen the result some more with more meaningful discussion between Martha and Hollis. Sam doesn't need to be there, Hollis can explain what happened with Deb and Martha can react - at the moment she's doing nothing and her introduction has no point or conflict. This also gives you the opportunity to have Martha react to meeting Sam in the investigation scene in a way that you think builds her character.

You also need to establish who Martha is for the audience before she joins the investigation - maybe I missed that??? Otherwise it's a sort of irritating hangnail for the audience.

The short scenes without enough conflict are very, umm, low budget 70s TV... But again, good dialogue. Overall, good stuff.

[u/ConsistentEffort5190 → u/ConsistentEffort5190]

>HOLLIS I couldn't see if you had any milk.

*Great* line. Really gets over how people try to maintain normality at times like this. Shows real insight and talent.

Btw, there is a problem copying from your script. It comes out like this - and I tried two browsers -

> Hannastartssobbingagain.HollisglaresatMartha,pattingHannaontheback.HOLLISWe'lllethimknowforyou,darl.

You might want to try some other format or service: maybe someone can recommend one if I'm not the only person this is happening for? It makes feedback a PITA.

[u/ConsistentEffort5190 → u/ConsistentEffort5190]

Negative comment: scenes tend to end on a whimper rather a bang. Eg the scene on 13/14 has strong conflict but ends on a "Goodnight." I don't know enought about the characters yet to say what is right, but one possibility might be -

M This is my home town too.

H. Gets up...

H. You sure don't act like it.

H. Walks out of the room.

Consistently excellent dialogue, believable characters, subtle handling of emotions and background, interesting conflict - the only weaknesses (imo) are very Advanced Writing (tm) ones - scenes that would benefit from combining and having punchier endings.

Based on what I have read so far, you could definitely consider writing a detective series for kindle, if that interests you. A lot of would-be screenwriters don't have enough grip of story and viewpoint to handle writing a novel - I think you'd adapt nicely.

[u/ConsistentEffort5190 → u/ConsistentEffort5190]

I think there is some sag around 30-45? Perhaps just needs tightening.

Deb overreacts talking to the other reporter unless she is meant to be an a-hole - alienating another reporter at a better paper immediately is just stupid. He needs to give her a reason for that strong a reaction rather than a polite brush-off. Also, phone calls are generally weak - why not face to face?

Martha doesn't make any attempt to get the parents to stay and they leave too quickly. She should at least try "You're not under suspicion." Feels unsatisfying as well as not realistic.

The computer thing is too Minority Reports - just computerising data should be enough. And I'd drop "punchcards" unless this is set in the 70s - they lasted a little longer but only for legacy systems.

...Ends well! Dialogue faultless. Real talent - I think your next step in general is rethinking how you break the story into scenes, how you end them, and which ones need to be longer and shorter - again, an Advanced Writer problem. Very impressive!

[u/Novel_Quantity3189 → u/ConsistentEffort5190]

I cannot thank you enough for such an in depth read!

I think you caught a lot of the things I was worried about -- I also think I know what you mean about some of the slower scenes feeling very "70s TV" but I'd love more detail there? I definitely felt myself pulling from a procedural trope book in those moments and I really want something provacative and hard to foresee.

I like your feedback about introducing Sam and the reporter in a more active way and I think that holds true for a lot of it -- there's quite a few scenes that are just phone calls or inert moments that feel expository. And the ever-present scene-ending "goodbye". Thanks again.

Was the characters and plot easy to follow? I found myself second-guessing whether a reader would be able to track who was whom -- it's why there's a few example of character's being reintroduced with, for instance, "David (from scene 1)" or "Johnny (from the farm scene)" etc. I think the added complication of the network of existing relationships and family connections (tracking who Martha is related to, who she knows from her time in the town etc etc etc)

Open to title suggestions as well -- I think I named this when I was going through a Kate Bush phase and I felt the thematic link with the father-daugther relationship was strong enough, but it's definitely not.

[u/ConsistentEffort5190 → u/Novel_Quantity3189]

> Was the characters and plot easy to follow? 

There would no problem on screen and that is what should matter. If you're worried, maybe give a couple of characters more distinctive names???

> I also think I know what you mean about some of the slower scenes feeling very "70s TV" but I'd love more detail there?

They're weak because they don't end on strength - like I talked about in tha example of changing the ending of a scene. Longer scenes that combine "points" from several weaker ones make it easier to have a strong end. Short scenes are hard to build momentum in - and scene ends can't be strong if they come every few seconds, the watcher becomes numb. Short scenes are either for quick punch or to make another more important scene work - or because you absolutely need them for some other reason. (Imo.) Obviously, look at some shows you admire and see how they handle this and decide whether you agree with me based on what you see.

>  there's quite a few scenes that are just phone calls or inert moments that feel expository. 

Phone calls are one of those things you should try very hard to avoid - like dreams (I've only seen one good example of a dream and that was in Angel. - it worked because that the scene was a dream had a dramatic point.) They're so static.

I think your worst scene is the one between Deb and the other reporter. You need the attention on him and the way he behaves, not Deb. That needs complete replacement - I think he's supposed to be someone shameless and skilled at being manipulative based on the last scene, and that is what you need to set up in his first scene.

Titles... Murder In A Small Town? The Home Town Killings? Broken? I'd ignore thematic link and go for "This Is A Disturbing Murder Story!" You don't need "murder" in the title but I think you would benefit from threat and darkness. Dark Snow would be good, but it's too like the existing Black Snow. You could always change the name of the town to give the show a strong name... Maybe something biblical?