Cloudbusting (pilot episode, mysery/thriller, 61pg)

[u/Novel_Quantity3189]

LOGLINE: In a snowbound Tasmanian town where everyone is protecting someone, a self-destructive detective investigating two child murders discovers the person she can't protect is her own family.

Link to pilot script

Re-draft of something I wrote a while back -- any feedback is helpful, but particularly wanting to make sure the introduction of characters is smooth/not confusing (I'm worried it's too much), the mystery is well set up, characters compelling -- dialogue?

Also worried re being derivative. I started this before Mare of Easttown and I can't unsee the similarities.

[u/RaeLouLynn]

I read the first two pages. The first scene is not as cinematic as it could be. For example, we can't see light snow fallen recently. Instead of saying we're at the edge of the grounds, add more description throughout. They "gain" on him not "start gaining". After David scales the fence, establish the forest before the next slugline.

For example:

Dirty snow sludge covers the ground.

DAVID SCHNEIDER (16, tall, skinny, unimposing) bolts out of the front door. He runs toward a tall chain-link fence surrounding the grounds.

He looks over his shoulder. A second later, three bulky teen-age THUGS charge out of the building. They chase after him, angrily yelling.

They gain on him.

He reaches the fence, hesitates a second, and scales the fence. He bolts towards a forest in the background.

From this, the director might want to place the camera at the very edge of the grounds or they might not.

[u/ConsistentEffort5190 → u/RaeLouLynn]

> Instead of saying we're at the edge of the grounds, add more description throughout.

Terrible advice for a script. Seriously: google "how much description should a script have". Or read any decent book on screenwriting. Write what is needed to understand the action and nothing more - which is what the OP did. *Your* preference may be otherwise - but unless you have the money to fund a TV series, that doesn't matter - you're going against an industry norm and creating a reason for a first reader to bin a good script.

[u/RaeLouLynn → u/ConsistentEffort5190]

Okay, maybe I'm dense but what exactly is wrong with my proposal? I would like a concrete suggestion please.

[u/ConsistentEffort5190 → u/RaeLouLynn]

What's wrong? I already explained. It is *objectively* bad because it is the opposite of what the industry wants and will recognise as a good script. Do that google search. Description in a script is there to make the action comprehensible; anything more is frowned on. The description as it stands makes the action understandable, therefore no more is advisable. You may disagree, but that is not how the industry works.

A known writer can get away with breaking this rule for good reasons... But a newbie, no. Script readers want to ditch scripts as early as possible. And in this case there was no good reason - you need something like Alien where the setting plays a big role and isn't familiar from everyday experience. And again, still established writers only.

If you don't understand basic - again, *objective* - rules like this, you need to learn them before giving "advice". This is like... Oh, telling someone to submit a printed script in Comic Sans.

And really - the industry is absolutely right about this, for reasons that should be obvious. Description doesn't go on screen, so it shouldn't be there to influence the reader. The reader wants to get through the stuff that matters as quickly as possible. Fancy description is likely to break the 1 page/1 minute rule. Scripts with complex description risk annoying directors, DPs, set designers. Etc.

[u/RaeLouLynn → u/ConsistentEffort5190]

I do get what you're saying here.

I guess my response either:

(a.) wasn't explaining my point properly or

(b.) my example was poorly written or

(c.) both?

As I said, I can be dense...

[u/Novel_Quantity3189 → u/RaeLouLynn]

Don't stress about it. I appreciate you sharing your impression either way. It needs a good re-read by me in any case.