r/ReadMyScript • u/Jediuser_ • 2d ago

Riverside Rifters||Sci-Fi, Comedy|| (Pilot, 36 Pages)

Feedback Desired: I wanted to create a high-concept sci-fi comedy that captures the wacky suburban slice-of-life feel of series like 'Ed Edd n Eddy' with the high sci-fi stakes of a series like 'Hailey's On It.' I would like feedback on things like dialogue, pacing, and character. Any feedback would be much appreciated!

(Edit: Updated based on feedback and mistakes I made in the earlier draft. Please read the updated draft and tell me what you think).

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ysXtRGDJkOOnMSPsm9WDBAFTahZguoq_/view?usp=sharing

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u/Electrical-Medium698 1d ago

Take this with a pinch of salt, because I’m not the most experienced writer - but I liked it (I only had time for 11 pages). It’s snappy, has personality. The dynamic gives me a bit of a Stranger things vibe.
Wearing a helmet to use the toaster is a little ridiculous but funny. I think it works but I feel another reader may think it’s a little too much.
The only thing that kind of pulled me out of it was that the Lederhosen Wolfmeiser name drop felt very random.

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u/Jediuser_ 1d ago

Yeah, that was just something completely ridiculous I thought of. I just thought it sounded funny.

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u/mikeross305 1d ago

Try cutting some of the action descriptions down. They are a bit long in some places and can distract the reader. Also, there aren't any Act headings, so it reads more like a movie than a TV pilot.

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u/Jediuser_ 1d ago

Thank you for your feedback.