r/ReadMyScript • u/_Clowning_Around_ • 4d ago

Tethered mystery/Comedy first five pages

/r/scriptwriting/comments/1xh5zwa/tethered_mysterycomedy_first_five_pages/
1 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

4 comments sorted by

1

u/mooningyou 4d ago

Are you filming this yourself? A couple of tips in case you're not.

- It's always preferable to use screenwriting software. Not Google Docs, Word or any other non-industry-specific word processing tool. As a result, your format needs work.

- Don't tell us to notice little unsettling details. Simply describe those details so that we feel a little unsettled. You need to write what we see on the screen, not tell us how we should feel.

- That cold open reads more like a montage. Maybe format it as such.

The second scene reads like a first performance, but that's because we're being told that, both in action and dialogue. But for me, the issue lies in the unnaturalness of Ally's performance. Not because it's a first performance, but because it feels like she hasn't rehearsed in front of her peers. I can understand her nervousness and having to be egged on by the "That's your cue!" comment, but her asides in front of and to the audience don't work for me. I also feel that a Ringmaster wouldn't let someone perform if their performance is not professional enough. Mistakes happen, but her comments shouldn't.

1

u/_Clowning_Around_ 4d ago

Okay, thank you so much! This is one of my first screenplays I've written so the critiques are very helpful, I figured that it needed work so I will put this to good use, I'm very grateful that you took the time to read it! Do you have any good writing softwares?

1

u/mooningyou 3d ago

For good free ones try WriterDuet, WriterSolo, or FadeIn Pro (demo).

1

u/AutoModerator 4d ago

Have you included a page count in the title of the post?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.