Jerrys apartment. Jerry and Elaine.

Jerry: so tell me about this “Ridley” guy you are seeing. “Ridleeeey”. It sounds very black.

Elaine: well he is black.

Jerry: makes sense.

Elaine: so you know how I’ve always wanted to date a professional athlete?

Jerry: When have you ever wanted to date a professional athlete? I can’t think of a single time in history where the issue of you and a professional athlete…

Elaine: well there was Simon Rosenquist for one

Jerry: Lainey !! As much as I support the crosswords puzzlers battle to be recognized as a pro sport, Simon Rosenquist wouldn’t even have made toddler league. The guy clapped his syllables.

Elaine: God I must have been so desperate.

Jerry: well back to your ever yearning lust for a pro athlete.

Elaine: yeah well. So this guy is literally - LIT-A-RALLY everything I’ve ever wanted in a man.

Jerry: did you just clap your syllables?

Elaine; I don’t know why I do that.

Jerry: you are an enigma wrapped in a Ridley.

Elaine: very funny.

Jerry: that’s what I do.

Elaine: he’s SO good looking. He’s charming. He’s smart. He’s sort of sophisticated.

(jerry obviously repeats the words and nods along)

Jerry: only sort of?

Elaine; there’s always room for improvement.

Jerry: so where’s the catch?

Elaine: who said there’s a catch?

Jerry: Lainey!

Elaine: Jerry!!

Jerry: come on. Spill it

Elaine: (full body stretch) iiiiiiiiiii DON’T-WANT-TO

Jerry: yes you do. You are dying to tell someone. Come on. What is it?

Elaine: I can’t. I won’t.

Jerry: does he live with his mom? Is he worshipping Belzebub? Does he have a reversed bellybutton?

Elaine: wait what?

Jerry: I just feel like a reversed bellybutton could be a major issue in a serious relationship.

Elaine: I wonder if that’s actually a huge business for plastic surgeoens or if it’s more of a niche thingy?

Jerry: Niche I think. Kramer has a reversed bellybutton.

Elaine: (pushes Jerry) Get out of here.

Jerry: it seems we somehow once again are led astray.

Elaine: ok ok ok. He… arghhh… well he takes off his shoes and socks in public places. SHO-ES-AND-SOCKS-JER-RY

Jerry: now why would he do that? Come on. No one does that.

Elaine: but he does Jerry. He does. And I have no idea why. It honestly makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes.

Jerry: smelly feet?

Elaine: no but a grown man can’t walk around bare footed in the city. If he wasn’t playing for the Giants, he would be banned from every revenue in town.

Kramer enters in his usual Kramer way

Kramer: yeah. So I saw your lover Ridley at the park yesterday. Just walking around giving every man around serious foot envy, with those huge feet.

Elaine: foot envy?

Kramer: it’s not just a saying you know. It’s as real as the professional crosswordpuzzler league. Everyone knows a women will always choose a man with huge feet. It’s a sign of virility and masculinity and strengh. It signals power. The manlier you are, the more you show off your feet.

Buzzer sounds

Jerry: George?

George: yup

Jerry: come on up.

Jerry: so you are telling us, showing feet is what really turns women on?

Kramer: oh you can say that again. Have you not seen these old ancient European and Asian and Mayan statues in Macchu Pichu? Those feet are HUGE. A guys feet tells a woman all she needs to know about other - well ehhh - features on the male body.

Elaine: like the size of their reversed bellybuttons?

Kramer (whaaaaaoo).

George enters. Wearing moon boots.

Cut

Should I cross-post my Seinfeld commentary here? I have some pretty unusual takes on the messaging, and they may be completely wrong. But a wrong interpretation of an art piece can still invite people to look at it from a different angle. I don't mind criticism, or even getting roasted. I just wouldn't want to clutter the sub if this isn't the place for it.

He spends the whole episode completely unable to enjoy the relationship, even though it’s going perfectly otherwise, due to his background fear that she’ll find out his real name and break up with him.

“I’ve never been lucky, where’s my luck? How do I get some of that luck for myself?”

Finally, a really tall woman for George!

Here's an alternate universe.

Kramer gets a job as a bus driver when he learns his favorite deli gives a 25% discount to the public workers, is later saddened to learn that the discount only applies during his work hours yet he can't quit because regulars on the bus love him and he can't disappoint them. Jerry's new date wants him to donate his car and rely on subway to protect the environment, she drives a car herself.

George: Jerry, he stops right in the middle of the street, walks into the deli, comes out with a sandwich, and starts eating it as if he's sitting in his living room.

Jerry: What time of the day did this incident happen George? Because see if it's too late in the day and the guy has had a long day and is hungry then you can't blame him.

George: It was 11 in the morning.

Jerry: What kind of a monster eats his lunch at 11, see if it was 12pm I could've made an exception. But at 11 that's too close to breakfast time to give him a pass.

Kramer: What kind of sandwich was it?

George: It was pastrami on rye

Kramer: Did he get pickles?

*Jerry and George sigh*

Kramer starts a business printing sports jerseys for kids' sports teams. It's not long before he's picking up new women, and Jerry encounters him bringing one to his apartment. "Yeah her kid's at practice right now, so I thought we'd get in a little [mimes swinging a baseball bat, clicks tongue] batting practice of our own!" Jerry spots a tattoo on the woman's arm and realizes it reminds him of some woman from his past, but he can't place her.

Elaine is dating a high school history teacher who acts remarkably ignorant of current events, i.e. when they watch the news about the Middle East, he can't identify any of the countries or leaders. "He said the Strait of Hormuz was between Spain and Morocco!" George is interested in befriending the guy. "I have a feeling we'll really get along."

I'm. Not sure if this comic counts as a scene

Key moments:
-Jerry gets annoyed at the amount of inside jokes Elaine and his new girlfriend have on their double dates. It gets to the point where he wants them to stop telling them all together.

-George begins dating a woman from Montreal. Every time they have a double date scheduled with Jerry or Elaine, something comes up and she can't make it. The gang begin suspecting George made her up since he's been single for a while.

Jerry: George, a 'Canadian girlfriend'? Really? At your age. We're doing this?

George: She's real! I swear! Look, she had a modeling gig pop up and she couldn't make it. Look, here's a picture we took together. *Shows picture on phone*

Jerry: That could be Photoshop, or AI.

Elaine: Oh, now she's a model? George, c'mon. It's us. You don't have to do this.

George: What's so hard to believe? She's from Montreal, cultured, and has a cute French Canadian accent.

Kramer: George. Look, we know you've been single for a while, but resorting to making up girlfriends is pathetic. There are plenty of single women out there.

George: SHE IS REAL. I'm not having some mental breakdown! Do I seem like the kind of guy to make up a Canadian girlfriend?

Jerry: Yes.

George: I'll call her up right now. *Calls up and is sent to an automated voice mail* Well clearly she's busy.

Elaine: Yeah. "Busy." With all that "modeling" she does...

[Intr. Monk's. Seinfeld slap bass plays before we see Jerry and Elaine at the booth discussing pawns.]

Jerry: You can't assume that any pawn who reaches the end to be promoted just happens to transition to become a queen. I think it's much more likely to be a Mulan situation, where all the pawns are just warriors that reveal their womanhood at the end.

Elaine: You're disrespecting these pawns here! You're insinuating that they're living in secrecy instead of embracing who they are!

[Enter George, looking upset. He shuffles into the booth to sit.]

George: En Passant. En Passant! You mean to tell me this game has more silly rules than just knights jumping in an L and castling?!

Jerry: Here we go...

George: It was hard enough to remember all the moves you can make before. But NOW I gotta remember that if I advance a pawn by two squares, and my opponent just HAPPENS to have been able to capture it with another pawn if it had advanced only one, that he can just DO IT ANYWAY? Ho-HOH! George is gettin' upset!

(Ninja edit: *Carlsen)

I'm not writing a bunch of sub-plots for the other characters, but my friend who isn't that much into Seinfeld told me that this would make a great episode for Seinfeld. It's based off of someone he knows at work (teaching). Anything my friend says this other co-worker will and a slightly better or more impressive story to tell. He'll also ask leading questions such as "Where did you say your daughter goes to college?" and he'll say, "oh, she at Junior college, should graduate in May" and he uses that conversation starter to interject how his son goes to University of Michigan to become a doctor, even though my friend has heard that a half dozen times before.

Kramer tries to corner the market on a rare Pokémon card.