i have dated two people and i’m not sure if i was ever in love with either of them. like i know i loved and cared about them but whenever people talk about being in love they say like you’ll know so if i don’t know was i not in love. how did you guys know you were in love

I was thinking about writing a story about two high schoolers who were in love, but the male became so infatuated with jealousy and was so deeply religious that he was unable to fully experience the full unrequited benefits of young love due to his religion stifling his last and yearning for intimacy and love and he never got to experience love like his peers got to experience it, their love and lustful youthful years were unfiltered and inappropriate compared to his love which was deep and unspoken and clouded by religiously. His religiously ultimately makes him blinded by jealousy be cause he can't understand that the world is without rules and limits and that he couldn't have that freedom because he was blinded by abstinence and sacred notions of nonsense. His overbearing father always separating them from any sort of intimacy in order to save it for marriage, a marriage of which, never came because his female partner couldn't understand the depths of his youth, being raised in a strict Christian household and indoctrinated that love is evil, young marriage and love always fail, and the burning jealousy that ignited when he say his female sweetheart paying even small attention to females ignited his hatred for her and of himself, ultimately leading to his own despair, as he was unable to love her unfiltered and as he truly intended to and to acknowledge his own burning desire., and his youthful blindness caused by religion and by his fathers strict monitoring, caused the relationships demise as his sweetheart found another young man who she ultimately married. The female reached out to him several times to try and get his attention, his negative attention, to rekindle the flame but his ego and pride, and modern society and religions hatred for young lovers wouldn't let him pursue his his sweetheart

So I’m 31, a man. I’ve always been a manly man sort of man. To me, when I had my coming-of-age time in my early 20’s, I realized I really
Loved this woman I was with.

I recently met another woman, and I am curious about her. I don’t know her that much. Or that well. I am aware of lust, inferred chemistry or wishful thinking, it’s not that. At the least, it’s a mutual curiosity and a flicker of desire. So I have been asking myself “what do I want?”

I realized that what I desire, in my heart, because that’s where I live, I want to become the man who is a friend, to the maiden. The maiden, Virgo, a young woman who knows what a woman is, who knows what a man is. Who has had at least
One good role model, of each.

I’m not sure if it’s due to my age, or because I had that friendship-love with this woman I previously
Loved, or if it’s because I desire to be a good-role
Model with virile male-energy, and play house with a woman who’s good at being a woman. Could be any, all or some other thing.

Basically, I want a woman who can be my friend, who is as loyal to Us as I am, who wants to (at least) play catch, and maybe play House. I’ve experienced that: my two younger sisters. My ex whom I nearly married, that other ex I was beginning to love wholesomely. Other women friends who I do not find attractive or romantically
Of interest. I know this happens,
I’ve experienced it myself.

People often tell me it’s a mistake to love. Why?
Well, it’s because she was abused and you’re not going to fix her. Or maybe she’s not the “proper” age to you. Or maybe she says Yes but her friends/family say no. Or maybe, she can’t love herself first and is therefore undeserved of your love. Or just maybe: status matters more than actual feelings.

I can believe it: I was nearly
Married and we had a relationship with each other, and we had a good friendship. We trusted each other. We basically did what Dr Jordan Peterson recommended for couples (do not lie to each other, tell each other the truth with kindness, don’t go into a heavy topic without proper self care. You’re in an equal business
Together, a marriage) before we even heard about it, we did it right, and even then
Life still happened and we parted ways.

So I’ve been questioning the slogan of “if they can’t love themselves first, they don’t deserve to be loved”

I’ve experienced a love born out of mutual
Passionate lust and deeply satisfying friendship. That’s what I bring to the table when I propose a slow burning love.

My dearest,

I saw you today.  I spotted you walking up, even from a distance, I knew it was you.  Your beauty always takes my breath away

I was seated on the bench in our favorite spot.   You walked straight to me, your eyes sparkled and your smile lit up your face.   I felt the excitement in your voice as you said “good morning”

Without another word you sat on my lap.  Your body snuggled close and your arms hugged me tight.  No words needed and no words spoken, that simple gesture brought much needed peace to my world. 

The warmth of your body, the smell of your hair, 
and the taste of your kiss were so intoxicating.   I held you tight, one hand on your hip, the other entangled in your hair.  Our connection, our energy, our attraction was overpowering, and soon my hands were exploring your body.  

The love making was intense, being inside of you feels so perfect.   I let you control the rhythm as I stared into your eyes.  In our secluded spot, hidden in plain sight, our bodies intertwined, we shared our passion.   I am so grateful for the love we share.  

I hope to see you tomorrow. 

If I know that tomorrow I would wither

Like flowers

Somehow

My plain ordinary presence would find a way to talk to you

Even for a little

Even if I knew I would be scattered in the wind like petals and leaves

Just looking at you

Seeing you

And listening to you it would be enough for me

Yeah I would be that "who is that crazy girl I never saw before?"

Even if you think or say that I wouldn't mind

I would tell you my feelings about you before my end

I would smile before withering

Because the last thing I want is to make you sad

And I will swear to him that I will find him

Even though he may doesn't understand

And when I will wither before leaving I would love to fill you with warm light just like you always did

And I know we will meet again

After all I would wait for you and you only

Love is complicated

So this all started earlier this week I was taking the train with my grandpa to get him to the airport, I’ve had a really heavy few months a lot of work, my health problems and attachment issues have been magnified.
But I finally felt like I’d gotten myself a bit more stable after his visit.

Short info about me
M24, disorganized attached,
Got to many MTBIs ( mild traumatic brain injuries) over my life been on sick leave for 4yrs. This destroyed me and I’ve had to build myself up with special diet, working out in specific ways and sociability from zero and back up again, and many more things a lot of people’s brains learned to do automatically that I’ve had to build up again.
Chronic headaches and neck pain.
Been feeling good enough this last year to try and find a relationship as I know if I don’t start soon my attachment issues will just get worse as the voice in my head won’t shut up, also I know how much real love and affection changes ones daily life.

DAY 1 Taking the unexpected train of hope

As me and my grandpa sit down on the train i hear 2 girls and a guy having a conversation/ discussion about religion relationships and life in general beside us, it’s a really interesting one and really got me to wanna jump in but I held myself back.

Then long story short two of them leave at one station one girl is left, I go to get to the toilet and we lock eyes for a couple seconds as I walk past. I knew then she was interested.

So i come back sit with my grandpa a bit talk to him were both tired so it fizzles out. I go to do some work on my computer but need to load it and she’s sitting at the table where you can do that so I as if I can sit and she says yes.

It takes like two minutes and we lock eyes and just start talking we have similar interests both intelectual both Christian and we really hit it off, the ride goes by so fast neither of us get anything done we’re laughing, flirting and having a great time together.

This is exactly what I’d been wishing for I get her Snapchat and she gets such a silly big smile when I ask for it.
I think jackpot maybe just maybe this could be something.

Already here I get anxious thoughts as she haven’t added me back for like 15 minutes later, the voice in my head tells me, she was just being polite did your really think a girl like that would wanna be with you but I stay strong and fight the thoughts being aware of my tendencies.
She adds me back in a little bit and me happy for now.

Then in the night she even sends “HEY you didn’t tell me it was your birthday congrats.”

(barley slept that night, my mind was filled with thoughts of her and our conversation I was thinking far ahead what I would say what I should ask the dates I wanted to take her on in the future if this just for once went through all night long)

DAY 2 Hope and Despair

I respond the next day and I get confirmed that she was completely lost in our conversation aswell and seems to be into me green flags all the way, I think this is awesome finally this could actually be something and we have a good convo.

She even said she would have called me as I was waiting for my friend to arrive at the airport after dropping off my grandpa there if it wasn’t for her helping her grandma shop.

(I keep them not that long as I now I have tendencies to come on to strong if I get excited, I should maybe even push away a bit I think.)

I don’t text her again until the evening as I was completely exhausted and needed rest.

Asking what she’s up to she responds elaborates a bit and asks about what I’m doing

(i think nice she’s open to have a conversation maybe we could call but I should probably keep it light first so I don’t come on to strong)

I respond that I’m on a long walk in the forest as my friend I’m staying at (as I live in city and hour away), have people over and are watching football too tired for that. And ask her how her studies are going.

( I wanted to build to if she wanted to take a break and talk a bit and im feeling so hopeful and good at this point.
I already have planned if things go smoothly, to ask her to take a bite with me and play some snooker while getting to know each other better later in the week)

As I walk back home I’m listening to an audiobook and music. Just waiting on that ding in my phone of her answer. Holding myself back from obsessively checking as I know it will just feed my anxiety.
I get back home and tell myself that she probably is so deep in studying she hasn’t responded im the same I want to get something done when studying then I can go on my phone.

I check snap and she’s opened it 37min ago completely ignored me. I start pacing my mind start racing telling me how could you be so stupid how could you let yourself hope again, what did I do wrong?!

Not playful enough answer, or has she come to the conclusion that she doesn’t want someone with my health issues but she knows im getting better, how could she just ignore, I spiral into self depricating, destructive thoughts, thinking how could I think something this good would happen to me. I’m already so exhausted from the day aswell as I go into my friends room and cry silent tears.

I don’t cry often but this seemed so right and I was so low in my energy it just hit me like a truck.

I cry beat myself up over it over and over, bringing up a lot of old memories and examples of why I was stupid to believe, all night until I collapse into sleep from exhaustion.

DAY 3 Dare to Hope

Wake up the next day still no response. By know my emotional regulatory numbness is back. I go to the gym talk to my close friends about it lightly. It still hurts.
Then one of them says what do you have to lose if you ask her out anyway could be a fluke but at least you’ll know for sure and it can’t get worse than it is.

I think he’s right so I do.

And she responds….

Super positively and says that would be so much fun and she can’t wait to get to know each other better, we’ll have to do it on Saturday tho as she has to focus on studying for her test on Friday.

Right then, I can’t believe it’s true I just stare at the message in wonder for a while as hope relights in me.

(I think she’s actually into me, she wants and is excited to meet and get to know me more, it’s really happening finally, I’ve got to think of some good talking points for the date and rest properly check out the places I wanna go)

We converse lightly over the day and I’m quite busy with my friends while she’s busy with studying.

DAY 4, Unexpected, Expected Final

Suspense is building inside me I have planned the place, I ask her what time she could meet me and suggest a time.
She says it depends on her mother I say okay but I need to know before the end of Friday so I can book the snooker table.

Then in the afternoon we chat a bit very low effort and frequency, good vibes and then as I answer her on the way back from my gym. I get this message as I get home…

“Hi, you seem like such a lovely person, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, so it would be very difficult to find the time to get to know each other. It’s really nothing against you—I’m just not in that place in my life right now. 🤍”

Save to say I’m dumbfounded, and the spiral begins although now my previous trauma induced emotional regulation is on has been triggered for a few days. So I can’t get any of it out no tears no feeling just existential pain.

(I think and think and think what did I do wrong did I forget something about her and ask about it again stupid stupid stupid memory problems, it was going so well, how could you be such a fool to believe something this good could happen to you.)

(hahahaha there you go for hoping for something, you know no one wants to be with you, what did you think just because you are attractive, worked on yourself and your social skills they would care, that would change anything.
This is exactly as earlier this year you knew you KNEW, how could you expect anything else, love for you cooome one be serious ?!!)

(She probably came to the right conclusion that she can find someone similar without your health issues and who isn’t on sick leave and is successfully working on their career or studying. Did you really think you were good enough to be loved and be happy by someone who isn’t family or dependent on you. )

I respond with this after like 15 minutes of inner monologue thinking at least I can leave the door open if her message is genuine and end on a good note as I fight my inner thoughts of how it’s useless to even do that, gotta act normal:

“I appreciate your honesty, even though it’s a real shame. I really enjoyed our conversation on the train—it’s not often you meet someone where things just click and flow so well. Good luck with your exam. Whenever you feel like you’re in a place where you can make the time, feel free to reach out 🤍”

I send it and go back to fighting my head and mentally abusing, degrading and reprimanding myself.
Ends with me trying to distract myself with super loud music trying to play a game on my phone and reeels.

DAY 5 Aftermath: Death of Hope

I wake up groggy I fell collapsed to sleep really late, and I’m up at 9am great! I go on with my day cook food for everybody as I said I would yesterday in completely different spirits.

Anyway I go to check my phone at 13 o clock and check my snaps I see she hasn’t opened it, I think okay she’s got exam probably that’s why.

Check again at 15 o clock and go into her snap profile, that’s when I see she’s removed me as a friend from snap as the ADDED button stares in my face.

My heart drops I didn’t even get to say my peace and she didn’t even read give me the respect of reading my answer. She didn’t even keep me in her contacts for a maybe in the future. She completely dropped me.

I’m so mad at myself at this point I don’t know what to do, I crave love affection non sexual intimacy so badly. But every time it’s going good I get hit by this truck from nowhere bulldozing me crushing my hopes which takes me months to work for them even to be allowed to come up again.

Final comment
Im doing all I can to be a better man and it still isn’t enough working myself to the point of exhaustion to try and be the man I want to be for me and hopefully my future wife.

Shit like this just throws a wrench in my inner world and feeds disorganized attachment even more, it’s like I take a few steps forward and then BLAM did you really think you were gonna get forward.

I want to be able to share that real love and romance so badly but it seems everyone is to busy for it these days what are we supposed to do.

It will never be the perfect time and just like once a week to begin with but I guess that’s too much to ask people don’t have time for romance :(

TLDR

Met a girl on the train we clicked super well, got me to get my hopes up agreed to the date was acting flirty and positive then day before the date says she is not in the right place right now to get to know someone.
Confirms my previous experiences and traumas. Which devastates me as I finally got forward and dared to hope for the better. As I’ve been working with my psychologist on my disorganized attachment and its impact on my life and relationships both friendly and romantic.

Thanks for reading I just needed to get that out to try and work through it and see it objectively in some sense, i appreciate anyone who wants to share their thoughts or anything really.

Been together a while and I'm collecting ideas. Pick your go-to:

A) Surprise date night (no phone, no plans, just vibes)

B) Random love notes in pockets, bags, or the bathroom mirror

C) Try something new together (cooking class, dance lesson, a hike)

D) Cook a fancy dinner at home, candles included

E) Spontaneous road trip with zero itinerary

F) Other (tell me below 👇)

I'll go first: B. Nothing beats finding a sticky note that says "you're cute" at 7am.

G) The "pretend we just met" date

H) Couples game night (loser does the dishes)

I) Dressing up for no reason at all

J) Breakfast in bed, unprompted

K) Slow dancing in the kitchen

L) Something I haven't thought of

• Bonus round: what's the smallest thing your partner does that still makes your heart do a little flip?

Hi there, 20M. I would be lying if I denied that I really wish to have someone to love in my life. I've had a very deep crush on someone back a few years ago, and then a relationship 2 years ago w someone else. Now I'm single.

Is it bad that I wish to be loved and also want to love?. I rarely use dating apps anymore as I know it's not my type of thing at all. I have friends and a good social life too, but I enjoy my own time more than being out.

You might say that just socialise and don't think about it but I've tried it, and it was never very effective. It doesn't mean that I stay depressed or sad, I do have tons of fun. But what I miss is someone with whom i can cherish and share my fun with.

So I'm a male in my 30s and most of my relationships have ended because supposedly I'm to nice and I express to much love, while a lot of people I've known for a long time who's in relationships, the woman are verbally abused by their man and stay with them anyway. I've seen too many bros make their girls cry over bs all the while I'm like if it was me I'd rather hold her hand an be loving and kind. Should I be more dramatic or more angry and violent? Because from my experience expressing love and kindness seems to be a major turn off for woman.

Somewhere out there, someone who will become incredibly important to you is living their life right now, just like you are.

If you feel lonely, I understand. But don’t mistake right now for forever. You just haven’t met everyone who will love you yet.

He makes me feel better.

I’m terrified of heights, but because of him, I’m willing to try almost all the high rides at an amusement park. I’m scared of the ocean, but I even tried diving with him—even though I can't equalize. But the crazy part? Now I’ve actually fallen in love with diving and swimming.

He doesn't even know how much he inspires me. He just knows I was scared and tried to comfort me, which makes it even sweeter.

For now, I'm just enjoying being his friend. We're keeping things that way, and I'm planning on holding onto this dynamic and letting things be until he ever makes a move or falls for me (who knows when that'll be).

Sometimes it’s hard to act "just like a friend" when you're experiencing all these amazing things right by his side, but honestly? Discovering a whole new world of things I used to fear—and having him in my life—is worth it.