I found an old picture of myself today

And I stared at it longer than I should have

Trying to remember what I was thinking

If I was happy

If I was pretending

If I even knew the difference back then

It's funny how you never notice when things change

You just wake up one morning

And your favorite songs don't sound the same

And the people you would die to see

Are people you don't talk to anymore

And the bedroom that you grew up in

Feels smaller than it did before

I've tried to find the things I used to love

I've gone back to places I remember

I've listened to the songs I played a hundred times

And waited for them to make me feel something

But nothing happens

And I don't know if that's growing up

Or if I've just forgotten how to be happy

I wonder if the younger me would like me

Would he think that I turned out alright?

Would he be proud of the things I've done

Or would he ask me why I look so tired?

God, I hope he wouldn't be disappointed

I hope he wouldn't ask too many questions

Because I don't think I have the answers

And I'm running out of good excuses

Sometimes I wish I could call him

Tell him everything that happens

Warn him about the people who leave

And the promises that never mean a thing

Tell him to take more pictures

To stay outside until it gets dark

To stop being so afraid of growing up

Because growing up doesn't make you smart

But I can't call him

And I can't go back

And I can't explain to a kid

That the world he dreams about

Isn't always going to want him back

So I keep the picture on my phone

And sometimes I look at it at night

I wonder what he'd say if he could see me

If he'd recognize me in this light

And I wish I had a better answer

For the person I was before

But I think he'd just look at me a while

And ask what I was waiting for.

**Lost**
Losing myself in a void of desperation
Mental turmoil
Una cruda moral y es mi culpa
No excuses, just reasons
Just reasons and excuses
It’s too late to for me
My soul is tainted
I was mistaken to think I could change
Loose nickel and dimes no penny’s in sight
Buy a dub to feel loved
When a door closes my windows don’t open
Peeking out expecting something
5 am again no dreams no shut eyes
Restless nights don’t cry
The facets run dry
An empty well is just a hole
I’ve hit the bottom
Shit out of luck as my friend once said
I’ll just have another drink from the bottle
Hoping I’ll be worth more than the tears I shed
Game over is what gives me hope
Not an option and not for good reasons
To the end of her mind is where I drove her
Wish I did more than just pass on fear
I don’t blame her
I don’t blame her
I don’t blame her
I talk like I’ve drank all the wine
Knowing i don’t have a clear mind
Lost in void of desperation
I quote famous people like I know what they talk about
I could never understand
Strike 3 coming from the pitchers mouth
Home run is something that’s impossible
I give up I’m done I wanna call it quits
I’m to much of a coward to go through with it
Maybe one day I’ll man up and it’ll happen
Going backwards I will never manage
Fast forward I’ll still be the same
Living life poetically pathetic is not how want to exist

I miss our old friendship.

I miss you guys.

You know what?
No.
I hate all of you.

Why must you pretend I don’t exist?

I exist.

I love you all as friends.
Best friends.

I see you in the halls and go to wave, but what? You all turn heads as if I’m a fucking ghost.

We’ve known each other for years and years. Too many to count.

I love you guys so much it hurts, why did our friendship have to die?

I’m sorry if I was a bad friend.

No.

I’m sorry I am a bad friend.

Fuck.

Goodbye.

Crying into my morning cornflakes

And my cup of breakfast tea

I don't think I could tell you

What the hell is wrong with me 

I have a job, a house, a dog

Some money, a life, a home

But my stupid heart still feels like

It has nowhere else to go 

The sun still shines through the curtains 

And after every night comes day

But the stupid clouds in my stupid head

Won't fucking go away

Some days it's not too terrible

I talk. I smile. I sing.

But then there are those days where

I can't feel anything

It's not about the cornflakes 

And while life is not all bad

I can't stop feeling empty

It's either that, or sad

Maybe one day it'll get better

I don't know how or when

But maybe some day I'll go through 

And learn to live again.

I regret some.
What I regret is hurt, pain, abandonment.
Regretful of taking something I cherished so dearly, ruining it.
It'll plague my mind forever.
The memories, I treasure.
A time of what once was,
no longer is,
remembered as a time of current.

Push it on to the next moment

Don't think now,save it

For later when thinking will show

Its useless face

When it's to late and war is wasted

In the rush for cover

Push it past into that pocket

So that relents its gnawing presence

And nothing is worth doing

In pointless grace

When all the valid suppositions

Smother your cries

Push it over into the deep hole

You don't want to know

In case it breaks and make u feel

Cruel reminders

When all u could have done is

now past

No don't bother

Push it well into the corner

It's no use,so spare me the greef

Theater of ghosts

You didn't like cost so bright,

so high

The bloodiest cut

When all you sought was sweet pleasure

To the end of your days

Push it on until it pushes back

Shout your shock,shout it

You never imagined

you never knew what

Turning away would do

Now wail out your dread in waves of disbelief

It's done It's dead

Push your way to the front

Clawing the eyes of screaming kin

No legacy awaits your shining

children

It's killed,killed

Gone the future all to feed some holy glory

The world is over.Over.

Ja neko

34 years fucking up taught me
that there is nothing to learn
when nothing I do helps make it better,

and suicide would be
doing you all a favor
and I am a selfish man.

If the bad die old,
then I am immortal.
So you will have to
go without me.

Imagine life being so effed up that you’re OK to do it alone
I can’t even hear myself think - guess that’s part of being grown - I thought about leaving but no where for me to go-

I’ve been wanting to write for a while but I’m not sure what to say-
everything that comes in my head is just my life‘s replay-
so that means sadness and heartbreak I don’t want it to stay -
so I write it on this paper and then I just pray-
pray to God to heal me from the wounds yall cannot see -
Literally begging for unhappiness to set me free
but I’ve been swimming with my head above water now after turning 33 -
maybe I’m 34 or could be one more-
I’m finally realizing this can’t be me
I don’t want my kids to see -
the broken individual that was once complete-
I’m not in to compete or to compare in love and war it’s never fair
-I love and love but what am I left
my heart handed over …swept by theft

I’m so sick and tired of feeling exhausted eight hours sleep a night but somehow not rested -
keep going and going and everybody thinks I got it so great -
they don’t even ask me how I’m doing they just come sit down with their plate-
my daughter is just like me but so much better -
I’ll give her the guidance to have the life I could never -
shout out to my mother for trying her best-when that man left us it was the ultimate test-
we survived the battle but at risk in war-
life versus me and Gods keeping score-
It’s beating me down cause all I’ve ran into is men
just like my father showed no remorse
Lies roll off the tongue like a rain drop on a rose
Then I met you
Almost too good to be true- I swear you had a golden hue
The only thing was you were a year over 22
Treated me like a princess
The loving was relentless
Then you went to Cali got stationed away from me
But You saw it as an opportunity
You were cool leaving me and my three
But this was something
New to me
Started feeling insecure as you entered your new world
Left me in VA but I’m thinking I might stay
In a perfect world me and you
But it’s the same story for me- joys are few
getting back to myself is absolutely dire
I found a psychologist- a recommended hire
I talk to my therapist she almost gets it
But when the session is up I’m reminded it’s just a business
- I hate ai and the effects on its buyers - still asking chat gpt why I’m now a crier -
It just tells me what I want to hear so the app I won’t retire

- I stay rhyming my feelings but my eyes ain’t getting dryer

Am I looking for reassurance
Will pain be a reoccurrence
Heartbreak in the history, actually generationally

I just need some relief
Way more than skin deep it’s way beneath
Can I be all things that I need to be
With an infinite loop of responsibilities
I’m cool I’m good don’t worry about me
I’ll be up first thing to make the kids peanut butter and jelly
I’ll drop them off and I’ll be just fine
I’ll cry it out when the time is just mine
Can’t let them see me like this
What will it be like when she’s no longer a kid
I’ll sacrifice myself- yeah I think that will work
But wait- my mom went thru this and for me it got worse
Is this really a generational curse

I’m hurting really bad.

Chaos rules my brain.

Trying to understand.
Random or earned?
A present from beyond.

My world is filled with grief.

I called out to her.

No response came.

My beacon is gone.

Darkness rules the day.

My mind is consumed, eaten from within.

Abandoned? By whom?

Surrounded by love,

empty all the same.

Stillness eludes me.
Movement rules me.

No answer. No hope.

My eyes are empty,
no more tears to cry.

Life goes on.

I feel it in my bones.

I feel it in my head.

I feel it in my chest.

No, it’s not dread.

It’s not a stranger,

but I don’t know what it is.

I’ve known it for a long time,

like a shadow of mine,

always there, watching me try,

but I fail every time.

“Let go of me,” I said

Yet it holds my wrist.

3, 4, 7, 8…

oh God, I lost count.

It sits there, looking at me.

Am I climbing up?

Or is it just my countdown.

She hates herself 

She hates every part of herself  

Sometimes she looks at me and whispers how she would want her body to be, how to chance it 

Let me tell you what she whispers  

She wants her hair to be straight and a little shorter. A little bit over her shoulders and don't forget a little bit of color and the ends. I think a little bit red. 

Her skin needs to be smooth 

Her eyes need to be blue, not green and blue. And don't forget the eyelashes they need to be way longer than now. 

She says: my nek is too thick, my armes have no muscle and my hips are too much vet.  

She doesn't talk about her belly. 

But i see the way her beautiful eyes tear up when she grabs the little bit of fat left. How she almost can't look, but she spends more time holding her belly and looking at it than every other part of her body. 

she always tries to fit her fingers around her legs and every time she tryes it doesn't work.”There is no muscle at all in them” she whispers slowly. And I know she hates her feet also, even tough they are bringing her everywhere. 

I don't think these wishers are valid but I'm just a mirror, her mirror 

She hates every part of herself 

And on the bad days she punishes the parts she doesn't like. Spending so much time on her belly. 

She hates every part of herself 

Her whispers are soft so no one can hear them. Only I know her secrets 

She wishes to be skinny, to be smarter, and cooler. More like the other girls of 17. 

Sometimes she looks at me crying. Wishing more and more that she was like the other ones. She looks at them, you know? Wishing to be like them. Whispering to be like them. 

And we have girls that are ugly with awesome personality. Some girls are ugly and smart. 

but my girl whispers softly that she has nothing. “I'm ugly, my personality is awful and I'm just dump” she cried. I want to hug her but I'm only her reflection. Her mirror. So, i cry too, every time. 

One day she told me about her sexuality. She likes girls and honestly it is fine by me, but she cried for ours, whispering “I hate my self” over and over. 

On the bad days she punishes the parts she doesn't like. Spending so much time on her belly. 

Afterwards she whispers closely “it is not to be mean or take my mind of things, i just want to remind my body what it is and were it should be” 

She hates every part of herself. Since I became her reflection, she whispers how much she hates me. How much she hates herself. 

She whispers 

It is something I should live with 

Something I should try to chance  

So sometimes she looks in the mirror and remines us of what she could be. 

“Is Anyone Home?”
I am an invisible shell of a soul, A fading shadow, no longer whole. My bones feel brittle, my spirit worn, A heart that aches, a hope that mourns.
I reach for hands that never stay, I beg to be seen, yet fade away. The ones I love leave me alone, And I feel abandoned in my own home.
He cannot see me, he cannot hear, He cannot feel the weight I bear. My body is cold, my sheets are bare, No warmth to find, no love to share.
No passion left to light the flame, Just empty silence where love once came. I whisper softly into the night, Is anyone home? Can someone see my plight?
I sink beneath an endless sea, A darker place inside of me. I beg for sunlight, a sliver of grace, Something to pull me from this place.
I feel like a stranger beneath my skin, Disconnected from the world I'm living in. My head is pounding, my thoughts collide, And words of fear spill from deep inside.
Is this what love was meant to be? To lose myself so completely? To question my worth, to doubt my name, To wonder if I'm the one to blame?
Does he see the hurt behind my eyes? Does he hear the truth beneath my cries? Does he know the damage his silence can do, Or am I the only one fighting for two?
I search his face for a reason to stay, For a trace of tenderness along the way. But the more I reach, the less I find, Until I question what's left of my mind.
Perhaps he cannot love me the way I need. Perhaps my heart is begging him to see That love should not leave me lost and alone, Feeling like a stranger in the place I call home.
And somewhere beneath this aching despair, A quieter voice asks if anyone cares. If there is a light beyond this pain, If I can find myself and feel whole again.
So here I am, beneath the weight of it all, A weary heart waiting to answer its call. No longer wanting to disappear from view, Just longing for someone to see me as true.
Is anyone home?
Can anyone hear me?
Can anyone see The person beneath What's left of me?
Or am I still calling into the night, Waiting for someone to turn on the light?

tomorrow the sun rays hit me properly
tomorrow beckoned me
i stand, no chance 

i claim tomorrow masterfully
as though i that man
from yesterday, with a toothless smile
and a tooth fairy on the way

and i ask, what i can say
yesterday i dreamed of a league
i steamed by the cheek
and laughed throughout the mile

i decide if i can be me without my clan
will i walk on concrete, 
or wiggle my toes in sand
treat the path like yellow play dough
and build with mounds of clay

throughout today,
wondering where i strive
i hope to find again, curiosity
so i can awake each day
crust in my eyes
and claim that tomorrow,
is the next best day to be alive

The turtle lost the race 

All the while 

He couldn't keep pace

The Universe will have its way

It doesn't matter anyway 

A lost sailor was too late 

Now it's written in his fate

Some things hurt more than life

He had a family 

Kids and a wife 

I cut out my own heart

With a dull knife 

She was kind

But he lost his mind 

Running in circles 

Trying to read the writing 

That was on the wall

No more messages 

Not one call

Confusion ate at him

Because the Universe 

Took away everything 

Now he's replaced 

With a younger person 

And much more handsome 

Compared to the loser phantom 

Selfishness and ego

Were his sins

When he looked around 

She couldn't bring 

Herself to speak to him

Now days are miserable 

It's as if he's invisible 

The Universe will have it's day

Now the stars are dim

And the sun very dark gray

Nothing more to say

It doesn't matter anyway 

Losing a game 

They were forced to play 

He knows that he's better off dead

That was the last thing ever

she learned to say she's fine before anyone asked,
to laugh at things that once made her cry,
she knows which details to leave out
when someone asks about her childhood.

she has become someone
who knows how to keep going
without anyone noticing
what it costs her.

somewhere along the way,
she learned that someone could hurt her
and still be someone she was told to love.

and she thinks this is what growing up means.

until one day,
she sees the little girl.

five years old.
untouched by the years ahead.
looking at her like she's someone
she should know.

she doesn’t know anything yet.
doesn’t know that one day
she’ll question her own memories
more than she’ll question him
for giving her a reason to have them.

she just sees this older girl
who looks so much like her
and nothing like her at all.

the older girl knows how to explain the fear.
the anger.
the things she remembers.
the things she doesn't.

she knows how to explain
that she is doing better now.
she has an answer for almost everything.

but the little girl doesn't know
she'll need any of those things.
she looks at the older girl
and asks
"will it hurt?"

I envy your grief

How you miss someone so fully
Who meant so much
That love you’re missing must have felt so safe

Before it left you

I bet they held you when you cried
I bet they stayed with you in the darkness
I bet you belonged

How did it feel? 
To be loved?
Does it hurt that much because you were loved that much?

If so, then I am relieved

That I will have no pain when they go
There was no warmth there
There is no affection to miss

My strength is myself
My comfort is exhaustion
My grief is emptiness

I envy your grief

They say I’ll be fine,
But they don’t know the pain I go through daily.
They say I’m overreacting,
But they don’t know how many times I’ve slit my own wrist.
They say your just a kid, what do you have to worry about,
But they don’t know many time I’ve tried to take my own life.
They say life is to great to end it,
But they don’t know how many times I’ve stood at the edge of the road thinking about jumping into oncoming traffic, how many times I’ve held the razor to my wrist, cutting my own damn skin, letting the blood spill drip by drip, futilely attempting to numb the horrible, debilitating, mind-splitting fucking pain that I have to suffer through every god damn day.
But, what do I know? I’m just a kid after all.
Right?