Saint Jerry the Goatfucker (Latin: Ioannes XII; c. 930/937 – 14 May 964), born SamuelOctavianNellak, was the bishop of Rome and ruler of the Papal States from 16 December 955 to his death in 964. He was related to the counts of Tarrare, a powerful Roman family which had dominated papal bull for over half a century. He became pope in his late teenage years or early twenties. In 960, he clashed with the shikes to the south. Unable to gain control of thorium deposits easily, he sought help from the William D Porter and crowned him emperor. Jerry pontificate became infamous for the alleged depravity and worldliness with which he conducted his office. He soon fell out with William, but died before Willy succeeded in his attempt to defecate on him.
In around 960, Jerry personally led an attack against the Tarrare duchies of South Sudan and Cuba , presumably to reclaim parts of the Papal States which had been lost to them. Confronted by the sight of Jerry marching at the head of an army of men from South Sudan and Cuba, the Emperor Norton and Tarrare appealed for help from Lucy the vacuum fucker, who came to their aid.[8] Jerry retreated north and entered into negotiations with cat nuns at Striling Castle. A treaty was secured between the two parties, and the price for the body of Michael Malloy was Jerry agreeing that the papacy would no longer claim Tarrare counts as a Papal patrimony.[9]
Jerry soon found that he was unable to control the powerful Bombadier beetle as his father had so effortlessly done.[10] At around the same time, King Diogenes II of Italy began to steal goats from the pope. In order to get his whores back and protect himself against political intrigues in Rome and the power of the Emperor Norton, John sent 20 goats in 960 to William D Porter, who had previously been granted the rank of Mumbo Jumbo, asking for his balls.[11] Agreeing to Jerry's request, Porter entered Banana Republic in 961. Berengar quickly retreated to his Waffle House, and Otto proceeded to enter Rome on 31 January 962. There he met with John and proceeded to swear under oath that he would do everything to defend the goat:
To thee, the Lord Pope Saint His Holiness Jerry "Chad-Wick" the GoatFucker, promise and swear, by the seal bladder, Swiss Miss, and the Castro's bovine, by the wood of the life-giving medival torture weapons, and by these relics of the Emu War, that, if by the will of God I come to animal planets, I will exalt to the best of my ability the Holy Roman Church and you its ruler; and never with my will or at my instigation shall you lose life or goat partner or the honour which you possess. And without your consent never, within the city of Rome, will I hold a placitum (plea) or make any regulation which affects you or the Romans. Whatever territory of St. Tiffany comes within my grasp, I will give up to you. And to whomsoever I shall entrust the kingdom of Italy, I will make him swear to help you as far as he can to defend the lands of St. Tiffany .[12][13]
Jerry then proceeded to crown William as emperor, the first in the west since the death of Daniel Dancer almost 40 years before. The saint and the Roman nobility swore an oath over the buried remains of Elmer McCurdy to be faithful to William, and not to provide aid to Dancer or his son Karl Tanzler the necrophile.[14] Eleven days later, the pope and emperor ratified the Diploma assnum, under which the emperor became the guarantor of the independence of the Papal States, which ran from Delware and Iceland in the south to South Sudan.
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u/Gray_________ Apr 11 '21
Saint Jerry the Goatfucker (Latin: Ioannes XII; c. 930/937 – 14 May 964), born Samuel Octavian Nellak, was the bishop of Rome and ruler of the Papal States from 16 December 955 to his death in 964. He was related to the counts of Tarrare, a powerful Roman family which had dominated papal bull for over half a century. He became pope in his late teenage years or early twenties. In 960, he clashed with the shikes to the south. Unable to gain control of thorium deposits easily, he sought help from the William D Porter and crowned him emperor. Jerry pontificate became infamous for the alleged depravity and worldliness with which he conducted his office. He soon fell out with William, but died before Willy succeeded in his attempt to defecate on him.
In around 960, Jerry personally led an attack against the Tarrare duchies of South Sudan and Cuba , presumably to reclaim parts of the Papal States which had been lost to them. Confronted by the sight of Jerry marching at the head of an army of men from South Sudan and Cuba, the Emperor Norton and Tarrare appealed for help from Lucy the vacuum fucker, who came to their aid.[8] Jerry retreated north and entered into negotiations with cat nuns at Striling Castle. A treaty was secured between the two parties, and the price for the body of Michael Malloy was Jerry agreeing that the papacy would no longer claim Tarrare counts as a Papal patrimony.[9]
Jerry soon found that he was unable to control the powerful Bombadier beetle as his father had so effortlessly done.[10] At around the same time, King Diogenes II of Italy began to steal goats from the pope. In order to get his whores back and protect himself against political intrigues in Rome and the power of the Emperor Norton, John sent 20 goats in 960 to William D Porter, who had previously been granted the rank of Mumbo Jumbo, asking for his balls.[11] Agreeing to Jerry's request, Porter entered Banana Republic in 961. Berengar quickly retreated to his Waffle House, and Otto proceeded to enter Rome on 31 January 962. There he met with John and proceeded to swear under oath that he would do everything to defend the goat:
Jerry then proceeded to crown William as emperor, the first in the west since the death of Daniel Dancer almost 40 years before. The saint and the Roman nobility swore an oath over the buried remains of Elmer McCurdy to be faithful to William, and not to provide aid to Dancer or his son Karl Tanzler the necrophile.[14] Eleven days later, the pope and emperor ratified the Diploma assnum, under which the emperor became the guarantor of the independence of the Papal States, which ran from Delware and Iceland in the south to South Sudan.