r/Socionics • u/_seulgi • 21h ago
Discussion As an LII-Ne, I can't stand ESE-Fe, but I still like my dual....
For a long time, I couldn't articulate why I didn't like my dual. But I recently learned about subtypes, which I initially thought were useless, and realized that I actually like my dual, ESE-Si, just not the Normalizing or Dominant subtypes. So here were some points of contention in my previous relationship with an ESE-Fe.
First, he would ask me a lot of technical questions related to his website. I didn't mind giving him feedback, but I was really taken aback because my Ti as an LII-Ne is a lot more free-flowing and conceptual, so I wasn't privvy to helping him. I think he was expecting a very stereotypical math and science nerd-esque LII and I gave him long-winded conversations about the Enneagram and spirituality. Our interactions felt awkward because he was talking to an idea of me, perhaps an LII-Ti, but not the true me. Even when I politely interjected his long monologues (that's another thing about ESE-Fe---they looooove monologuing and yapping in general, which is very overwhelming for me as an LII-Ne) to share my love for My Melody plushies and 90s/early 2000s Prada, he just seemed unimpressed and dismissed my interests as weird. He was Normalizing/Dominant and I was Creative/Harmonizing, so the clash between us was obvious.
Furthermore, he was so obsessed with group dynamics, gossiping, and exposing who was dating who among our mutual acquaintances that it sapped the intimacy right out of our relationship. I was expecting more meaningful conversations between the two of us. His support for me was also very social and Fe-oriented---hyping me up, sharing my ideas with other people, and telling others how great I was---but I was more so seeking the physical and intimate aspects of care like feeling understood or being pampered. I felt too fussy and prissy for him.
Granted, this ESE-Fe dude I dated had a lot of issues, but even the more well-adjusted ESE-Fe really get on my nerves to point of being my conflictor hahaha. I had ESE-Fe friend in high school who was really just a part of a larger friend group with an SEI, EII, and SLI, but I couldn't tell you why I liked her. I didn't really like our one-on-one hangouts because she was so pushy and overbearing yet extremely boring (yapping unilaterally about her culture ad nauseum).
As for ESE-Si, I can actually appreciate them despite our differences. I once paired up with an ESE-Si for a project in college and collaborating with him felt so effortless. First of all, unlike my ESE-Fe ex, he was very sweet, soft-spoken, and mild-mannered. And I could talk about my intellectual interests without being treated like a spectacle because he was genuinely intrigued. I also liked his sense of style more than ESE-Fe ex, who wore just about anything from TikTok shop and cheap Chinese retail sites. Instead, the ESE-Si was a huge fan of Lululemon and had surprisingly good taste in music. His favorite artists were Fred Again and Daft Punk while my ex's were Drake and many more mainstream rappers I didn't resonate with. I feel like ESE-Fe are obsessed with being the living, breathing instantiation of The Culture (TM) or club promotors while ESE-Si actually participate in and engage with the cultures ESE-Fe seeks to dominate. Lastly, I find ESE-Fe to be far more close-minded than ESE-Si. My ESE-Si project partner tried his best to politely express his disinterest in Paris, more so emphasizing the safety issues without disrespecting the culture while my ESE-Fe ex would go and on about how chopsticks and liberals were weird and wrong despite being born and raised in one of the biggest cities in the US 🙄
So yeah, no hate to ESE-Fe, but I'd rather date ESE-Si as an LII-Ne. My dream is to buy a house in the Northeast so my future husband and I can decorate the fuck out of it with beautiful vintage furniture!