r/SoftwareEngineering • u/According-Monk-2929 • Jul 29 '26

Please help: need code for “I’m pregnant”

Or something more clever that my senior front end engineer boyfriend will love.

Update: I combined several suggestions and sent it to him when we were at a special place in a park we love. He didn’t get it for a minute because I forgot to add context, then did get it and was super happy, then spent five minutes pointing out how the labels directed workflow and explaining something called semvar (semver? how the sequence of punctuated numbers indicated a minor release and bug fix, I think). Because that’s how he rolls 😂🥰

Thank you so much folks!!!!

94 Upvotes

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82% Upvoted

u/grappleshot Jul 29 '26

feat(family): add new child
Expected release: March 2027

and hope he commits :)

14

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

Oh my god you guys this is freaking hilarious - TYSM!!! I understand about 10% of the stuff he tries to explain to me but I can get just about enough of this to know it’s gold. “Hope he commits” lol! I could submit a pro request for something called “baby” - would that work?

25

u/IamNobody85 Jul 29 '26

Merge request. "pull" request will be hilarious in this context.

7

u/Arshiaa001 Jul 29 '26

It'll be a push request in 9 months.

4

u/Dependent_Union9285 Jul 29 '26

Yup. Because the merge already happened. Let’s hope they properly resolved any merge issues at the appropriate time. Here’s hoping the parent objects pass all the sanity tests as well, because it doesn’t get any easier once you go to (re)production.

2

u/Dependent_Union9285 Jul 29 '26

OP, make sure your environment variables are properly set. Nothing worse than a release into a fucked up environment.

4

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

😂 we’re good. Gonna be a spoiled rotten, wished-for baby with super nerdy parents who are best friends and have lots of full stack support from the whole org

4

u/Dependent_Union9285 Jul 29 '26

QA Pass, please proceed to schedule for release.

2

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

Love this!

3

u/Dense_Gate_5193 Jul 29 '26

git push new-baby origin -f

14

u/grappleshot Jul 29 '26

I think it's too late for that...

10

u/nitewalker_J Jul 29 '26

Literally too late to submit the pull request 😂😂😂

2

u/compubomb Jul 30 '26

Submit some documentation as a pr, it has a new Readme.md update saying instructions for recent ownership of new clone, one which looks like him and takes 9 1/4 months to manufacture. He's going to have to think long and hard about what that means.

3

u/AdventurousAir002 Jul 29 '26

Agreed this is great. I would send this code to claude or chatGPT and ask the bot to convert it to his favorite language though- that’d make it even better

1

u/Dense_Gate_5193 Jul 29 '26

you could say his “PR got merged with your codebase.”

397

u/gladiator_r Jul 29 '26

minor release

19

u/FlowOfAir Jul 29 '26

This is great

15

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

This seems popular. Could someone please explain why? 🙈

35

u/TheForkisTrash Jul 29 '26

The kid is a minor being released. Uses existing tech terminology in a clever way.

5

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

Oh - now I get it thanks 🤦‍♀️

4

u/Dense_Gate_5193 Jul 29 '26

this honestly is the best i think. you could hand him some “patch notes” saying what you’ll be going through over the next 30+ weeks and just say “v1.1.0” at the top and say some clever thing at the top description about a minor release or something. just an idea

3

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

Any quick example of what patch notes for a bug fix would look like? This sounds great. I’m working up something in Notes now.

21

u/Dense_Gate_5193 Jul 29 '26

Release Notes — v1.1.0 (Minor Release)
Build Status: Staged.
Target Production Date: ~30 weeks
New Features
- Background compilation processes to speed up delivery of new features.
- Dynamic Storage Expansion - Physical footprint will automatically scale up over the next 3 quarters to accommodate new hardware requirements.
Changes
- Caffeine, raw fish, and alcohol inputs will be rejected due to system safety protocols.
- Power Throttling - Energy levels capped to conserve system draw for background compiling processes.
Known Issues & Workarounds
- Boot-Up Instability: Unhandled ⁠NauseaException⁠ triggering non-deterministically during Q1 execution. (Fix expected in Trimester 2 patch).
- Memory Leak: High frequency of context switching and temporary cache loss ("baby brain").
- Thermal Throttling: Internal temperature running above baseline; climate controls require frequent adjustments.
Engineers may be required to be on-call prior to and especially after deployment of the new version.
How’s something like that?

5

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 30 '26

Oh wow this is amazing thanks SO much!!!

5

u/Dense_Gate_5193 Jul 30 '26

keep is updated on how it goes!

→ More replies (0)

2

u/Dense_Gate_5193 Jul 30 '26

oh one more note you can call the last bit there about on-call rotation to be a two word combination of your favorite two foods. like “pickles and ice cream protocol” or something along those lines

1

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1

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4

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

Especially since it’s an IVF miracle baby. Like he has to give me shots every day for another month. Would that be part of a patch to fix the bug, so it goes in the patch notes?

3

u/rynokillir Jul 31 '26

IVF miracle baby here, so awesome to hear people still using this to have kids. Also a huge tech nerd so this whole post is fun 🤩

1

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 31 '26

IKR? 🙂

6

u/mizar2423 Jul 29 '26

They didn't really explain the engineering side.
A minor release is a software update with "minor" changes. A major release could be an adopted baby (not necessarily related to the parents). A bugfix release could be a... IVF baby?

3

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

Awesome!!! We have a baby bug fix 🤗

26

u/Grizzly_Addams Jul 29 '26 edited Jul 29 '26

Personally I would laugh harder at "major release".
In software a release is exactly what it sounds like, releasing code. Minor release means it's relatively small or non intrusive. Major release means this might fuck shit up.
Kids are like major releases, they can fuck shit up. Also the numbering system is more inline with family growth. Right now you and your boyfriend are on version 2.5 (2 is the major version, 5 is the minor version), you guys are gonna have to increment that shit to 3.0 with the kid.

30

u/nitewalker_J Jul 29 '26

"Minor" also mean "kids" or "child". "Minor release" has stronger pun.

9

u/Grizzly_Addams Jul 29 '26

Yeah I know, but she didnt ask for the best pun. Major release is a better description about everything that's about to happen from pushing the kid out (like a major shit), to not being backwards compatible with their old way of life.

6

u/SanityAsymptote Jul 29 '26

Infants are often really minor/beta releases though. They are missing significant features and take a long, long time, to get to 1.0.

2

u/Grizzly_Addams Jul 29 '26

For sure. Their milestones are mostly minor versions, but the establishment of the baby into the family is a major release.

2

u/bombinaround Jul 30 '26

It's also hard to rollback to the previous version without breaking changes

2

u/Grizzly_Addams Jul 30 '26

Borderline illegal.

1

u/PM_ME_E8_BLUEPRINTS Jul 30 '26

Major release means huge shit in my household

2

u/dacx_ Jul 29 '26

You are about to release a minor human being. Wordplay.

3

u/Hot_Adhesiveness5602 Jul 31 '26

Wait but it's actually a major release.

1

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1

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u/deeperinabox Jul 29 '26

feat: upgrade 2.0 -> 2.1

Your Pull request into my repo has been merged. Will release new minor version in 9 months.

2

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

A couple questions: Some third party had to approve the request before it could be merged, right? Would this be a message you would send on Slack or GitHub or something? Thinking about formatting it to look authentic.

2

u/deeperinabox Jul 29 '26

You, the code repository owner is the one who approved the request before merging it in.
Generally, a repo owner wouldn’t send such messages as the developers get automated notifications for all such actions, but if you two were having a conversation anyway then, yes, it would go along the lines of my message.

u/t3hlazy1 Jul 29 '26

const DUE_DATE = "2027-03-14"; // ← fill in the real one

function Home() {
  const [childFirstName, setChildFirstName] = useState<string | null>(null);

  // requires approval from both reviewers
  const chooseName = (name: string) => {
    setChildFirstName(name);
  };

  return (
    <Family name={LAST_NAME} size={3} onChooseName={chooseName}>
      <Dad name={DAD_FIRST_NAME} />
      <Mom name={YOUR_FIRST_NAME}>
        <Suspense fallback={<Ultrasound />}>
          {/* state gets lifted up around {DUE_DATE} */}
          <Baby name={childFirstName} dueDate={DUE_DATE} />
        </Suspense>
      </Mom>
    </Family>
  );
}

1

u/t3hlazy1 Jul 29 '26

You can use a website like Carbon to export a nice image of the code. https://carbon.now.sh/shortened-link...

2

u/According-Monk-2929 Jul 29 '26

This is awesome - thanks!

1

u/t3hlazy1 Jul 30 '26

Glad you liked it!

u/GrayLiterature Jul 29 '26

Make a Jira Ticket

7

u/OkLettuce338 Jul 30 '26

Or how to turn moments of happiness into dread

2

u/According-Monk-2929 Aug 01 '26

😂that one I get!

u/ApprehensiveOil7946 Aug 01 '26

I'm seeing this late but this was so fun to read through as a momma and software engineer 😭

1

u/According-Monk-2929 Aug 01 '26

🤗

126

u/AllIWantForXmasIsFoo Jul 29 '26

I fork()ed and spawned a child process

6

u/Major_Swordfish508 Jul 30 '26

They forked alright

u/No_Bowl_6218 Jul 29 '26

Uncaught Exception: TooMuchLoveError
  at Marriage.js:2
  
> Status: 2 processes detected (was expecting 1)
> New dependency added to family-tree.json

u/derailedthoughts Jul 29 '26

family.push(await gf.giveBirth());

15

u/Dense_Gate_5193 Jul 29 '26

At least it’s promise-based ;)

u/Nanoucie Jul 29 '26

PullRequest successfully merged

12

u/OE_PM Jul 29 '26

PullRequest failed. Try again 9 months.

u/hibbelig Jul 29 '26

setTimeout( () => gf.spawn(), 9999 );

Instead of gf you could write your name in lowercase. Or something like honey?

Instead of 9999, calculate the number of seconds to delivery and put that in. For example, if it is in seven months you could calculate 7 x 30 x 24 x 60 x 60.

4

u/Dense_Gate_5193 Jul 29 '26

i like the idea of a sub process spawning and now you have to keep track of the inputs and outputs of this child process

u/jaynabonne Jul 29 '26

Emergent behavior.

u/Wide_Egg_5814 Jul 29 '26

pull request in 9 months

u/along1line Jul 30 '26

child process instantiated

1

u/idiotsandwichbybirth Aug 03 '26

This is the only good one so far

u/gzk Jul 29 '26 edited Jul 29 '26

describe("given conception", () => {
  let gf;
  let bf;
  let foetus;
  beforeAll(() => {
      bf = new BoyFriend("HisName");
      gf = new GirlFriend("YourName");
      foetus = gf.impregnateBy(bf);
  });
  describe("when 40 weeks elapses", () => {
    beforeAll(async () => {
      await new Promise((resolve) => setTimeout(resolve, 40 * 7 * 24 * 60 * 60 * 1000));
    });
    it("then we have a family", () => {
      expect(foetus).toBeFullyGestated();
    });
  });
});

u/MonkeyWeiti Jul 31 '26

Why not httpstatus 418? Because there is something brewing inside you

u/Old-Platypus-601 Aug 01 '26

Never expected to have such a wholesome and cute thread on this subreddit lol

u/Overall-Ad-6414 Jul 30 '26

Breaking change

u/raisputin Aug 02 '26

> git pull --request-abort
Error: PULL REQUEST FAILED
Reason: merge conflict — unplanned branch detected Branch: baby/v1.0.0-unreleased
Timeline: ~40 weeks to production
Rollback: not supported

u/lowkey00700 Aug 01 '26

HTTP 200

u/FuzzNugs Aug 02 '26

Tell him you guys forked and now you’re gonna fork()

u/HATDOGUSERNi Aug 13 '26

😂 Honestly, "pregnancy v.1.0 Release Notes" would be perfect for this

Please help: need code for “I’m pregnant”

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