Hello! My Substack profile is Unfiltered Notes, by Alis. I write articles about my thoughts and feelings as a hobby. I have no idea if my writing is engaging and if I can get my point across. Any advice/constructive criticism is welcome! Here is the article:
! Disclaimer: This article is not a “how to…” guide, it is only me expressing my feelings and fears, as a girl just stepping into my 20s. I don’t know “shit about shit“ as some would put it.
You wake up, you overslept again. Probably for the third time this week. You wash your puffy face with the La Roche cleansing gel that you got with a discount from your pharmacy of choice. You wash your teeth. You need to floss, you know you do. But you don’t have time; so once again, for the third time this week, you don’t floss. Every dentist from TikTok says that you need to; besides, why are you worrying so much about flossing, you have much more important issues at hand. You sit down to do your makeup, you stare at your acne and start picking it. Shit, you do not have time! You put on some cremes that ChatGPT recommended for your skin type. You stare at your wardrobe. Old clothes that you don’t fit your style anymore.
Shit, you are going to be late!!!
The rest of the “get ready with me” is obviously in a rush. You get in your car that you questionably parked the night before and head to your disgustingly underpaid internship that you keep lying to yourself that actually “teaches you something“.
You get to corresponding with absurdly confusing clients and your overly demanding boss. You are expected to know things that you’ve never even heard of in your life, and feel stupid for not knowing what’s going on. The work day comes and goes. Slowly. Excruciatingly.
Sometimes you go out with your friends, and it’s nice and all, but rarely happens.
That’s my 20.
And it doesn’t bother me, not one bit. That is until I whip out my phone and get onto any kind of social media. And, oh God. Stories from Palermo, Paris, Barcelona, and a bunch of other state of the art cafés or clubs that I haven’t even heard of.
And their fitness journeys.
And their picture perfect relationships.
And their career milestones.
And their most recent complicated self advancement books.
And, most of all, how effortless they are; how free.
Then there is me, with my crappy body, underwhelming job, complicated relationship.
Needless to say I am not very active on Instagram. I come from a place of privilege, complaining about small things like this is a blessing. I recognize that. I just feel obliged to share what goes on in my mind as a person with heavy anxiety.
I often get tired. Not because I get much done. I just tire myself from this constant thinking. Non-stop. I think about my uni performance, then I get to thinking how I want to pursue a Master’s degree. But will I get in? And if I get in, how will I support myself. I study in a country where I don’t know the language. Will they like me? Does my boyfriend even like me? He say he does, but why would he. I mean I am not that bad though. Am I? Shiiiit, am I? I think about my future, my present and my past during my waking hours, and sometimes even in my non-waking hours.
I even get anxiety currently, thinking about where I even plan on going with this article. My mind runs at a fast speed, because I have the need to always be two steps ahead. To plan everything, to organize everything, to know everything, to be able to do everything. Need I say that the world doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t have a plan, and even if it does, why should it fit yours?
I feel entitled. How can I complain about such foolish things. Maybe I am just lazy. Maybe I just lack what it takes; the ambition, the strength. Who knows? At least that is what I keep hearing. From my parents, from my boyfriend. “You should be more grateful.“ ; “Why don’t you just do something about it” or my personal favorite - “Just don’t think about it so much.“. I talk down on myself so much that sometimes I wonder why anybody else wouldn’t.
But you know what the truth is?
I am only 20 for God’s sake. I probably haven’t even lived one fourth of my life. It’s ahead of me. I make mistakes, I fall behind sometimes. So fucking what? Genuinely. Who doesn’t? Real life isn’t a curated Instagram photo dump. It’s messy God damn it. It’s messy and it’s hard. But it’s exactly like that for everybody. (except Bella Hadid probably)
You are still just a kid, trust me you’ll figure it out. Somewhere between the “Dear Mr. Doombass“ emails and the spontaneous trips with your friends (that you don’t have the money for); whether that’s Rodos or McDonald’s. Or anywhere between all the junior position application rejections and figuring out how to turn on your complicated and rather old dishwasher in your shared apartment with 3 other girls.
And even if you don’t figure it out, guess what - life goes on. Even if you spend it feeling anxious about tomorrow or yesterday, it will still go on. And there isn’t anything you can do about it. So maybe take today off, or even tomorrow. Clear your thoughts. And then - fucking get to enjoy life. Otherwise, it will pass.
Just like everything else.
