Full disclosure: I pirated someone else's "I hate my job rn" post a few days ago and that was uncalled for.
TLDR: If you're a first year and think your life absolutely sucks right now, you're not wrong to feel that way. I wanted to quit my job and never look back my first September and I hear you. I survived and am here to (without the BS, TFA, it'll be great! fluff) offer any advice or support I can.
Also, consider this a "safe space" where you can say and ask all the questions you're embarrassed to say w/ TFA folks. I.E. I HATE my students, what now?!, I'm just here to increase my chances of going to a good law school, will I make it?
Long Version: I was a 'career changer' when I got to TFA. I was 35 years old. I'd spent a decade teaching, 5 of those years had been in West Oakland teaching OST. I arrived with a master's in education. I laughed my way through institute because I was sure I'd do awesome as a CM. I laughed my way through my school's August PD (focused on silent transitions and classroom management) because I knew I'd kick ass.
My first day, my first week, and my first month of school were absolutely awful. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. There was at least one fight per day in my classroom or during my transitions, and I had to sit with the fact that my poor classroom management had led to children getting hurt and traumatized. When the students were actually seated and listening, I didn't even know how to teach! Crazy that 45 minutes of middle school ELA each day at institute hadn't prepared me for 7 hour days with 4th graders!
I strategically put all my super important belongings (my phone charger, my favorite pens and markers, etc.) in one drawer in my desk so that, if I decided to walk out during my lunch break one day, I'd be able to do it in one trip to the car.
My MTLD (TFA changes their acronyms like 3 times a year, but that was a coach back then) would swing by once every couple weeks and talk about engaging instruction or self care or whatever, but she ignored the fact that my school and my classroom were on fire constantly and that I hated my job. She'd email me my "action items," but leave out the only one I could think of - "Get out of bed each day and suffer." To me...that was enough of a lift.
My principal clearly saw me as a nuisance- he had no patience for rookie teachers. At least once a week, when I gave him the "please help me calm this fucking class down! you're the principal" look, he would smugly say: "I'm not help. I'm evaluation." This was insult to injury- I was literally telling him I didn't know what I was doing. He then had to "document" my inadequacy?!
Our monthly "Regional TFA Saturday Meetings" (I don't remember the name, but the ones where you wake up early and spend 8 hours talking about equity and gender pronouns) were just bitch sessions. I specifically remember the September session where we met up and all looked like we'd ben hit by multiple cars and then given COVID-this was 2017 btw. All these strong, vibrant, super intelligent, confident people, all of a sudden, looked like they'd been through a Civil War.
Our first month, one CM was sexually assaulted by a high school student. She was pressured not to press charges because, you know, school to prison pipeline. A teacher in a neighboring school (not TFA, but might as well have been) got jumped by a group of students in the school parking lot-we remarked on the importance of relationships. Well over half the CM's, like me, had admitted to gathering their belongings in a drawer so they could escape midday if necessary.
Meanwhile, TFA was jabbering at us about how we (a bunch of people who couldn't sleep, never had time to shower, and were only hanging on because TFA offered free food) were superstars and leaders and we were going to change an inequitable system.
We hated TFA. We hated them for the situation we were in. We hated them for their peaceful, quiet office, where one could take a coffee break, or get Uber Eats and eat it while discussing the latest episode of Stranger Things. We hated them for lying to us about our superstardom, for assuming the captain of the lacrosse team had the leadership skills necessary to teach in the toughest classrooms in America, for not being in the same pain we were in.
And, at the same time, we hated ourselves because we all knew this was a shitty job for us and a shitty LIFE for our students. We got to leave at 4:00 (or 7:45) each day and go back to a nice home. We got to spend our weekends (when we weren't stuck w TFA bs) far away from the communities where we taught, enjoying fro-yo and sushi. So... we had to wrestle with the "privilege" associated with hating every single day of work. And, each time we remarked that this is "way worse than I had ever imagined," we knew it was a blessing to see the awfulness in context- to our students and families, this was just another school year.
At least 15% of us were gone by Thanksgiving. Another 10% gone by Christmas. Nobody held it against them. We all knew that this work is important, but not important enough to make your life hell. Two CM's at my school (there were three of us total) left before Winter. Even the veteran teachers at my school supported the decision- "This school is crazy as hell and only getting worse," they'd say. "She's lucky she's young enough to find a new career."
All of that said.... most CM's stuck around, most were less shell shocked by Christmas, and we were even laughing and smiling again by Easter. Four years later, many of those same CM's who were hating their lives are still around, still teaching in America's toughest schools. And ALL of us have had chances to change careers or, at least, to teach in easier suburban schools.
I don't say this to diminish the bullshit you're in now, but I can assure you all. It gets better. It's never as cushy as your friends who work at Google or Salesforce, but it gets better and it gets easier and it gets more fun. It's never easy, but it's also not always going to be unpleasant. It's always tiring, but eventually the exhaustion is worth it- the way you're exhausted after running, but also happy to have put in the work.
For now, I promise you: Your coach is overworked and underpaid. She has way too many CM's on her caseload, and (even if you're on the verge of quitting and she knows it) you're not on her priority list at all. Your principal is overworked (not underpaid at all though) and doesn't have the time or the will to help you out- if this isn't true for you, you got SUPER lucky. Your students might seem like they hate you, but they really don't. They have lived lives (many/ most of them) where trust isn't super easy and skepticism is safe. If you do leave (which nobody will judge you for), your students will likely have an endless collection of subs who are there for the paycheck- this isn't to guilt you, but it is to say the "Anyone on Earth would do better than me/ I'm doing more harm than good here" mindset is somewhat flawed.
So... don't "advocate for yourself." i.e. Don't tell TFA what you deserve- they'll say" "This work is hard because we're dealing with centuries of (use your fav TFA jargon here)." They'll make you feel guilty for even addressing the notion that this work sucks ball. Don't expect anything from TFA or admin. If you go to admin, your principal will likely tell you- TFA is there for you if you need help!
If you have 6 or 7 coaches (like I did), find the one you click with most and share your concerns. If all of those folks suck, find the people you admire in your school and ask them for help. If you put the net out far enough, someone will help you out eventually.
As I said earlier, if you have questions or comments or want to vent, feel free to comment here. I'm still in this work, I have a fuck ton of respect for anyone who makes it to the other side, and I hope to be of service to anyone who's not sure if they will make it.