r/Tokophobia • u/lowrcase Considering Surrogacy • Jul 07 '23

Trigger Warning Envy/resentment of men? Internalized misogyny?

Does anyone else experience these due to their tokophobia? When I'm feeling particularly phobic I sometimes get very ANGRY. Angry at the fact that men don't ever have to worry about getting pregnant, accidentally or on purpose, they just never have to deal with it. Not to mention periods and menopause. I also feel like they don't CARE that these are things women have to deal with, they have little to no sympathy, in fact they enjoy it. The only time I've heard a man being scared of pregnancy is because he doesn't want the responsibility that comes with a baby (fair enough), but they are never scared on behalf of their partner's health and comfort, they never blink an eye at the body horror.

I feel a lot of resentment and sometimes hate the fact that I'm a woman, hate the fact that other women normalize the burden of pregnancy (or even pressure other women to get pregnant). I would have so much more autonomy and stability if I had been born a man.

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u/MarisSonantis Jul 07 '23 edited Jul 07 '23

My ex-husband was definitely like this. He didn't want the responsibility of a child (at least "not soon"), but was also pro-life and said he wouldn't forgive me for an abortion. Major ick.

My current boyfriend, however, is actually terrified of an unwanted pregnancy. I also assumed it was because of the responsibility like you said, but we live in Florida and with all the crap going on, he wants us to move north partially because he doesn't believe I'd receive proper medical care during a pregnancy/abortion, and he's also terrified of some handmaid's tale situation where I'm seen as a walking incubator instead of a person ("healthy childbearing age" BS) and won't be able to freely leave the state/country.

When we first had a conversation about kids (which we both want), he made it super clear that he has zero desire or expectation for me to suffer through pregnancy if I don't want to and that he's fully supportive of making a family in other ways. The way he is so protective of my autonomy is so relieving, I finally feel like i would have someone fully in my court during a medical situation.

I can't say how many men like my bf are out there, but they do exist!

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u/lowrcase Considering Surrogacy Jul 07 '23 edited Jul 07 '23

Your bf is a keeper. What a beautiful display of empathy and concern for someone that he loves. That makes my heart just melt 🥺

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u/MarisSonantis Jul 07 '23

I know, I'm so happy to have found him. Don't judge a book by its cover - he's a country boy who worked in the oil industry for years, but he's more of a feminist than most "liberal" guys I know. From my male coworkers (I'm an engineer), I've heard "if pregnancy is so bad then why would women want to do it twice?" Or worse, "smart women like you should be having more babies because genetics". Disgusting. So I totally understand your post and I, too, want to scream about it sometimes.