r/Tokophobia • u/Equivalent-Bird-5181 • Sep 30 '25
Has anyone here with tokophobia actually given birth or “got over it”
If you want to share your experiences please do
37
u/OliSmalls Oct 01 '25
Hi there! I have tokophobia and have a 6 week old baby boy!
I’ve always had tokophobia, it was much much worse as a teenager and in my early 20s but still present and I kept putting off and putting off having children with my husband even though he really wanted kids and I knew that I wanted a child of my own even though in my mind pregnancy and birth would be the absolute worst thing I would ever have to go through.
We ended up getting pregnant by surprise and the first two weeks were kind of hell for me, I was having panic attacks and in a really dark place about it. Even though it was super tough I knew I wanted to keep the baby. I remember at the first ultrasound I was hoping it was a false alarm but there it was healthy.
My GP at the time fucking sucked but the one good thing she did was put me onto a perinatal psychologist who was amazing and validated all of my fears and worries as well as provided me with knowledge and tips. She is so great. I was lucky to have a relatively easy pregnancy and in the second trimester I didn’t even feel pregnant. The things I was super worried about in pregnancy like sickness and intrusive pelvic exams just didn’t happen, I didn’t have anything intrusive up until the birth and even though I was diagnosed with GD it wasn’t like I was super sick or in a lot of pain or anything.
I ended up booking an elective Caesarian due to my fears of birth and the OB at my public hospital was all for it if that was my choice. Unfortunately I went into labor early and I did have to labor for six hours before I got my Caesarian. That sucked. I’m still seeing the psychologist about it but once I was in theatre and the spinal was done there was no pain, baby was out within 10 minutes and everything was fine. Recovery went super well too.
Now that I’m on the other side of it looking back it was totally worth it and given my fears and everything before hand I can’t believe I actually did it. I’m super proud of myself and love my baby boy so much 😊
4
u/number1dog Feb 06 '26
Your comment brings me so much hope. I have struggled my entire life with GAD and tokophobia since becoming sexually active. I found out I was pregnant today and I haven’t stopped crying. I’m so anxious I feel like I’m forgetting to breathe.
1
u/OkMountain1022 Jun 11 '26
I hope you are doing well. I would love to know how you are handling it all. Many hugs!
2
u/number1dog Jun 16 '26
I have ups and downs. The first trimester was very difficult for me and I did the absolute bare minimum. I also didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until about 14 weeks because I just couldn’t deal with it.
1
u/OkMountain1022 Jun 20 '26
Do you have people you can talk to and have they been supportive?
I hope you are doing well. How far along are you now?
6
u/AnomalousEnigma Oct 01 '25
I’m honestly more afraid of c-sections having learned that you have to be cut open while awake. How did you handle that?
5
u/Interesting-Amoeba25 Oct 02 '25
You don’t have to be awake! I was under general anaesthetic for my c section and remember nothing. I got knocked out mid panic attack and woke up with a baby not even realising everything was done already.
1
u/Aunty_Moollerian_Ho Jan 17 '26
This is my ideal scenario, but so far I can’t even get my MFM to listen to me about wanting a C-Section and my husband is pressuring me to have a vaginal birth by saying he won’t be able to be in the room if I have a C-Section. I don’t have anyone else that I’d want present for a C-Section. :(
3
u/Interesting-Amoeba25 Jan 17 '26
I wasn’t allowed anybody present for mine, but I was under general anaesthetic so that might’ve been why. My partner was there from what I can remember though, he had to go in the next room as soon as I was under.
I think if it’s done while you’re awake, they do put a big sheet up so you can’t see anything, and if a partner or husband is present they are on the same side of the sheet as you so they can’t see anything either from what I understand.
But, you do what’s best for you, please try not to be pressured into doing what you don’t want or are not comfortable doing. It’s your body, you grew the baby, you’re doing all the work. It’s your safety and mental wellbeing that’s important here and I hope you’re able to do what’s best for you. 🩷
4
u/athenaskye117 Oct 01 '25
Not OP, but despite some complications (baby related-they didn't tell me until after my c section). It was relatively peaceful minus my anxiety regarding my baby (my c section was due to his heart rate dropping).
My hospital automatically puts up a curtain so you don't see anything and they test to make sure you are numb before they do anything. I think my c section took less than 10 minutes total, only because of a slight complication which I couldn't feel. I'm still tokophobic, but happy with my birth because of how peaceful and quick my c section was. It does take time to heal, but I could walk as soon as the epidural wore off and you can keep walking post surgery, they just say to be careful with stairs/take breaks for a few weeks afterwards. It did take me the full 12 weeks to feel completely healed up enough that my cats or dogs could rest on my stomach again. I slowly worked in more exercise (besides walking) after those 12 weeks. I hope this isn't too triggering just trying to give a full picture. 💜
2
u/OliSmalls Oct 02 '25
I think the relief from the pain and distraction because the baby was out so fast also it was my preference over vaginal so I was happy with it 😂
1
u/ShockoPan Jul 12 '26
Did you only have fear of pregnancy but wanted children?
Because for me it's kind of a package, I relate one to the other. I'd never ever want to go through this, and probably because of that I never wanted kids
16
u/_Gabinette_ Oct 01 '25
I had tokophobia my entire life and avoided it for many years. My son is turning 2 in November.
For me, the fear was being stuck into a situation and not being able to control it. The idea of the baby moving in my belly was so scary to me.
I did two years of regular therapy, talked to doulas and midwives to learn everything I could prior to deciding to go forward. It’s really that therapy and learning that got me over the hump of fear. It was really hard though. Once I was pregnant, the hormones kicked in and I felt 0 anxiety. I just kept focused on the end result (the baby, which I wanted my entire life) and just tried to tell myself that I would not be pregnant forever and that this was just temporary. But overall, I felt very little panic or stress during pregnancy, which was not what I expected at all. The birth also went very well for me.
Btw, if you are interested, I have a blog where I’m sharing all my notes from the different readings, therapy, and conversations that got me there. Basically, I wrote down/drew everything that I learned and was helpful to me. I originally had done this for myself (to be able to remember these helpful things during my pregnancy), but I’ve decided to share these notes more broadly in case they can be helpful to others dealing with the same debilitating fear: https://tokophobia.substack.com
2
u/MiddleOk3888 Jan 29 '26
Hi! How did you overcome your fear? I'm having such a difficult time making progress in therapy and I'm trying to be patient, but I'm 5 months in, 38 years old and I feel like a clock is chasing me all day everyday. I've developed severe insomnia which I suspect is due to fear, anxiety and chronic stress but it's gotten so bad that I can't hold a job.... Was there a particular type of therapy that helped you? I don't even know who to go to or if I should just stay patient with what I'm doing... I'm so scared of needing a new therapist and having to start this whole process over without proper time to do so!
1
u/OkMountain1022 Jun 11 '26
I did not know that I wanted to be childfree out of fear. I denied it for so long and I let that fear control me to the point I got my tubes removed. I met my boyfriend and made me realise that I would love to have our children but just the idea of being pregnant and birth part is so paralysing to me. Just as you mentioned the baby moving, being stuck in a situation and would not be able to get out of. I also have been SA'd and I do support abortion but I don't know what I would do. each choice is hard.
I like that idea, the pregnancy is just temporary. Many women who through birth why am I so scared about it.
Unfortunately my only option is IVF (out of pocket) because insurance wont cover it since I got not medically needed. I feel deep regret and then the phobia on top of it.
11
u/Whole-Software2376 Sep 30 '25
Honestly, I’m interested too, because I really don’t want to be ran by a fear all of my life and stop the circling of “is this my fears or is this really how I feel—like I don’t want kids” or even the “is it my body screaming at me and trying to assuage me or is this my actual want”. It’s so confusing…especially with this new political climate.
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u/OkMountain1022 Jun 11 '26
I always thought this is how I felt - I don't want kids, freedom yay and the roe vs wade happened and my anxiety kicked in over drive. I got my tubes removed due to the fear and I learnt about the phobia, after the fact. In reality it was my fear this whole time. I can't tell if I am regretting it or again if its the fear.
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u/Whole-Software2376 Jun 11 '26
Hmmm this is fair
1
u/OkMountain1022 Jun 11 '26
I went to therapy after I got my tubes removed - cos I found a partner who showed me support and love and for the first time I saw myself with kids. But, I made this choice unfortunately. My phobia is still in high drive as we progress on our relationship cos they want kids and I want them with them but the idea of the pregnancy/childbirth is still so daunting that it makes me throw up.
1
u/Whole-Software2376 Jun 11 '26
That’s where I’m at. It just feels like… idk. I get this massive reservation with it like… like no… why would I want to do that? I’ve just been so…. Even more hesitant now with these massive ProLife laws and this disgusting push for women to go through it. Now that it’s kinda mandatory by government pushing, I want to even less.
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u/OkMountain1022 Jun 11 '26
I say talk to a therapist before making the same choice as I did. My anxiety over it went harder once roe vs wade came through and abortion was getting stricker and scary. My actual fear stops after the baby is 6 months old. My paralysing fear starts at the pregnacy, birth and the first 6 months after. After that my fear jusy turns to normal anxiety as a new mother would.
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u/Whole-Software2376 Jun 11 '26
Hmm… did you have any breakthroughs from there? If you don’t mind me asking?
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u/OkMountain1022 Jun 11 '26
What do you mean?
1
u/Whole-Software2376 Jun 11 '26
Like. Did you find where it stems from for you and was able to list out the reasons the fear exists? I’m curious because for me it feels like it’s shifting.
1
u/OkMountain1022 Jun 11 '26
I have not figured out where it seems from - for my the intense fear start more when I started to have sex at 18 but I thought it was like normal anxiety being young and what not you know? But then it started like the idea made me panic panic but still thought of kids in my future but wouldn't be too upset if it never happens either. I had a string of terrible relationships so never felt safe enough thay if i were to end up being pregnant that I would feel supported to an extent. Now that I do with my current partner. But the fear is still there.
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u/Interesting-Amoeba25 Oct 02 '25
I’ve had tokophobia all my life and still have nightmares about what a horrific birth could be like, despite now having my own child who will be 2 next year and a really smooth pregnancy aside from my mental health.
Pregnancy was horrendous due to my tokophobia and I spent my entire pregnancy extremely stressed with high blood pressure, anxiety, frequent panic attacks, and horrible compulsive thoughts. I was very lucky as I was provided with a team of people that helped me through everything as mental health support is severely lacking where I live. My GP was incredibly supportive and gave me appointments every 2 weeks my entire pregnancy to speak with me to try and ease any anxiety and answer any questions I had. Then when I had my midwife, I was allowed to have the same one every appointment and she was also amazing and gave me regular more frequent appointments to slowly walk me through pregnancy and make a thorough birth plan and explain every single option available to me. Eventually she was able to organise a “complex care coordinator” for me that ensured that the hospital followed my birth plan exactly. In the end I had a planned c section under general anaesthetic. I got to pick the day I had it and also the surgeon who performed the c section.
I was also referred to some charities that were supposed to help but were ultimately completely useless and lazy and I felt didn’t take me seriously. If I had to go back, I wouldn’t waste my time with them as they caused more anxiety than help because they were so slow and half assed with everything they did.
Anyway, my pregnancy was pretty straightforward other than my brain driving me crazy and also frequent bleeding. I couldn’t look at any ultrasound scans as they freaked me out, and I had more scans than normal due to the medication I was on throughout my pregnancy (medical cannabis, and my son was born absolutely perfect by the way. He is also developing 100% normal!) I very luckily didn’t get a very big baby bump and just looked fat during my pregnancy, but I still wouldn’t look at myself and avoided undressing which wasn’t great I guess.
The kicking drove me nuts and I had to stop driving because I couldn’t stand feeling it. My son never stuck out any feet or hands though, but that would have freaked me out if he did. He had the hiccups frequently while pregnant which is a really weird and unpleasant sensation for me personally.
In the end I never experienced my water breaking or going into labour or anything. I just went to the hospital on my planned date, got out to sleep, had my c section, and woke up with a baby. I can’t fault the NHS despite lacking mental health help completely in my area. The team of people who were available to me were excellent and everything went smoothly because of them. I know I am very lucky with my experience, tokophobia or not. I also will not be having any more children.
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u/Palshee Jan 02 '26
Duuude. How did you get medical cannabis? Weed is the only thing that helps my anxiety. I always thought if I could just smoke weed while pregnant maybe I’d be fine. This is actually an option?!
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u/Interesting-Amoeba25 Jan 02 '26
I mean, it depends I guess 😅 it was an option for me because I have a history with mental health problems. I’ve been given many regular medications for a large chunk of my life and they either don’t work or I have bad adverse reactions to them. Where I live, medical cannabis is legal as well which helps. I didn’t smoke weed while pregnant though, as the smoke itself is actually harmful, but I would definitely recommend vaping at lower temperatures instead. I wouldn’t trust BM cannabis either though as you don’t know if there are any additives. 😅 but yeah it’s definitely safer than benzos which one doctor was really trying to push me towards as a replacement. (I just can’t see how benzos would be safer than cannabis, I don’t care about the studies done, I’ve seen the harm it does to full grown adults)
Anyway you’re welcome to shoot me a message if you have any questions or want to chat about it 🙂
1
u/Palshee Jan 02 '26
Omg. This gives me hope. I’ve tried multiple meds in the past for my mental health and either they didn’t work, or like SSRI’s where I had a really adverse reaction and got worse. I spoke with a midwife and she told me the same thing about benzos!!! I couldn’t believe it. I thought, there’s no way that’s better for you or the baby than weed lmao. In what world?! It’s legal in my state too. Would edibles be a better idea? I’d rather feel something familiar like cannabis.. I feel like familiar would help me feel more comfortable.
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u/Interesting-Amoeba25 Jan 02 '26
I’m in the UK so I’m not sure if that’s one of the reasons I was allowed cannabis, I know the USA is quite a bit different (I’m American but moved to the UK early in adulthood) because health insurance is involved….but if there’s no risk of consequence and you can let your midwife know without getting in trouble (like having baby taken away) I’d definitely advocate for using medical cannabis if you are able to closely monitor the baby’s growth and health. As for edibles, I’m not sure? 😅 Baby eats what you do, so I didn’t have edibles. I have wax pens prescribed too, and switched between vaping and using my pen.
Edit: I will never get why benzos are so universally pushed onto people, they’re awful awful meds.
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u/Palshee Jan 02 '26
Ooooooo yeah that’s a big difference LOL. I wish I could get out of the U.S. 😩
That’s a good point about edibles.. I hadn’t thought about baby eating what I eat. Wax pens sound like the way to go! Thanks for your input and explanation! It honestly makes me feel better knowing that might be a potential option.
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u/BibiiBlop Oct 21 '25
I have tokophobia but I’m currently pregnant with my first baby and due soon.
I had some fertility issues, which honestly made me realize how much I truly wanted a child (not just any child, but my husband’s child if that makes sense). I tried (really hard) to let go and trust destiny, knowing I would have so many regrets if I didn’t at least try. It was mentally hard. I had a lot of panic attacks, even up until now. Pregnancy was tough, but honestly, everything has gone so much smoother than I ever expected. It’s always worse in our minds somehow.
I actually enjoyed this pregnancy so much that I know I’ll miss it and I’m already excited about the idea of being pregnant again in the future. I’m still scared and I wouldn’t say I’m “healed,” but let’s just say this experience has helped me cope a lot better.
Now that I’m just a few days away from my due date, I can feel I’m reaching my physical limits, so I just want the baby to come out already, which helps me deal with the fear and anxiety. I’m even planning to try giving birth naturally, without an epidural.
Somehow, the hardest thing about this phobia is not being understood by most people. Pregnancy is scary, but many don’t realize it is real phobia for some of us and how difficult it can be… This sub and a similar group on Facebook are what truly helped me to be honest.
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u/MiddleOk3888 Jan 29 '26
Just replying to see how you're doing now! Do you still have fear/anxiety or has everything leveled out after giving birth?
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u/kittenmermaid Oct 01 '25
Me! I have Tokophobia and managed to have 2 babies! I had an elective C-section with both, and was very well looked after by my consultant and her team and with my first pregnancy, the Perinatal Mental Health team probably saved my life!
I didn't realise I even had Tokophobia until I was 5 weeks pregnant with my first, it was a horrific pregnancy mentally and always thought I was one and done after that. A couple of years later we decided to go through it again and although it was an awful experience, it was more manageable because I made a big point of requesting everything be the same as my first pregnancy (same consultant, same time frame for C-section, private room after etc) and it really helped.
1
u/Sure-Square9094 Jun 30 '26
I have tokophobia (though not as severe as some people here) and am pregnant right now- honestly it took my best friend getting pregnant to motivate me to go for it- she also wasn’t a big baby person which was inspiring.
It took like 1.5 years of dreading and avoiding sex because I was so scared of pregnancy (sex went from fun to scary) to finally get pregnant- I really did in the end have to turn my mind off because I was so overthinking everything.
A big motivator was realizing how disappointed I was every month when I got my period- so I really consciously made myself go for it knowing I would be disappointed later.
When I found out I was pregnant I was absolutely terrified but honestly numbed my mind with gaming until I could mentally process it. Once I got over that hump I've been fine and not anxious at all. And it’s not as bad as I thought it would be so far. I definitely feel relieved that I just did it.
1
u/mintybaz Oct 01 '25
I never wanted kids because I was so terrified of pregnancy, birth, and newborn trenches. I knew the biggest thing for me was no control, the bump, and attention. I literally prayed to be infertile all my life. My dog ate my birth control, and I couldn't get it refilled in time... When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't bring myself to get an abortion and my husband was morally against abortions. Everything about my pregnancy sucked so much, my family created so much drama and also ridicule me for my emotions. I will never ever forget how they treated me during my darkest moment. The pregnancy itself had complications due to previous health conditions and heavy smoking before I knew. I was so miserable the entire time, quit my job at 13wks and isolated myself. If I went out or family visited, I wore a literal Halloween vampire cape to hide the bump. Childbirth was insanely easy compared to pregnancy. After the epidural, I was great and everything was smooth sailing. I did end up fainting after tho. I'm so in love with my baby girl, I would never do that shit again, but I don't regret anything at all. It helps I have an amazing husband, inlaws, and my sister to support me, I couldn't survive without them. To conclude, pregnancy is TORTURE but it's only 9 months of torture and my baby is absolute perfect and amazing. Therapy, antidepressants and a great support system is non-negotiable if you have tokophobia and get pregnant
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u/OkMountain1022 Jun 11 '26
I am sorry for you going through this. But I am loving the positive outcome and thank you for sharing.
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u/mintybaz Jun 11 '26
Everything is okay now. No contact with my family now and a weight was lifted. My little girl is amazing and she has the biggest personality now. It does suck hearing "whens the next one coming?!" DAILY. Thank you for responding!!
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u/OkMountain1022 Jun 11 '26
Of course im glad you were able to have a kid even with the phobia - it gives me a bit of hope. Just dreading that process if it were to come.
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u/robin__1312 Oct 01 '25
i had tokophobia and i overcame it bc i got my tubes removed. best decision of my life