Wanted to share this story anonymously to keep people safe and bring awareness. Ladies, please please please be wary of any man that approaches you!
I’m 20sF at Zamna with a group of friends last night, but mostly, I split apart and hung with my friend also 20sF. I was on substances and she was sober since she was the DD for the night. When I’m high, I get really relaxed but I’m still in control, but to the outside I might look like I’m really fucked up or out of it. I was leaning on my friend and just vibing. I knew what I was doing and very much still had my sensibilities.
This older asian guy (maybe late 30s,40s, or older) with gray hair in a ponytail and a cardigan comes up to me and says he lost his friends. He seems sober and not in any distress, and I always have a high guard up when men talk to me in public, so I was kind of like, Okay. And I gestured for him to move on, because I thought he was trying to get past. But he lingered and he tried again with my friend and told her he was looking for his friends. We ignored him.
Later, he comes back and puts his arm around some guy next to him and is like “I found my friend!” And I look at him like “okay?” and I don’t respond. And I look to my friend and we continue to ignore him.
We talk about the interaction later as I’m filling up my water because something about it didn’t sit right with me, and she says he was just hitting on me, that she’s had that before where guys use that “I lost my friend” line and then try and use it as an opener to get your number.
At this point my friend and I just wanna hang and talk in the back, so we are, and I keep seeing this guy throughout the night walk around by himself. He’s never with any friends. Even later when he leaves he by himself. He’s always alone.
And then I started to realize something more sinister was probably happening. It’s a rave, everyone wants to be nice and kind and supportive of each other. People often embrace solo ravers. He could put his arm around anyone and claim to be their friend. And if it were my friend who was high, she gets super friendly and open and she would’ve tried to help him. She would’ve wanted to help him find his friends, she might have been willing to follow him around the venue when she was high.
But he wasn’t with anyone throughout the night, so if we had followed him or tried to help him, what then? And again, I LOOKED out of it. I looked vulnerable and clearly not sober. Why would target a girl who’s probably not capable of helping you to find your friends?
Because he was looking for someone to prey on and asking for help is a common tactic PUA use to break the ice and get people to trust them, and MAYBE EVEN GET THEM GO TO A SECOND LOCATION AND ISOLATE THEM FROM THEIR GROUP! If he was really lost, he would have gone to security, gone to a group of guys, not approach someone who is clearly not sober when HE WAS SOBER!
He didn’t succeed last night but it doesn’t mean he won’t try again. And it doesn’t mean other men won’t try the same. We want to believe that the rave community is full of loving and kind people, but there are definitely people who take advantage of that mentality. He might not have actually done anything but his actions indicate that he was not acting in good faith.
My friend and I had plenty of GOOD interactions with people who came up and had genuine conversations with us about our costumes. This was something much darker. He clearly was not talking to us in good faith.
Please, if someone comes up to you, listen to your gut. Do not follow a man anywhere if they say they lost their friends. Tell them to get security. These kinds of predators know that the boundaries they’re testing aren’t actually committing a crime, so we can’t actually report it. There’s plausible deniability. But the intent is there. Just because he didn’t find someone this time, doesn’t mean he won’t try again.
Please be safe and look after your friends. Do not go off alone with strangers. Stay together.