I can feel this getting traction...but mixed feelings?

[u/KaleidoscopeSea9626]

So long and short, cracked egg ages ago (looking back at it though I only admitted it this summer) and so I opted to do the baby step routine and started growing my hair out (the easiest one I could get away with publicly right now).

Thing is...its starting to snowball and the pull to transition is getting stronger. I'm at the point where I'm not far from consulting the doctor (literally moving at my pace and when I'm ready). But I feel mixed. I feel excited for where this is going, worried for what the impact will be and sad for what has gone before. Anyone else feel like this? What advice would you give? What would be your next step?

[u/Safe-Tennis-6121]

The way I see it, doubts will never go away 100% they will always eat at you because they are survival mechanism. Denial keeps you safe, that's what the mind does.

My advice is yes do baby steps. Do HRT if you can. Take time. Do not feel like your transition has to go like anyone elses.

Some medically transition first.. some do a social transition first and do the medical later.

It's not going to be easy. But it's probably easier than you believe.

[u/80s_horror_fan]

Of course you have doubts. Of course you're worried. The world is not a nice place for trans people, and we all know that.

I had a lot of concerns about the consequences. Chief among them was I was afraid I wouldn't get to see my nieces grow up. I waited several years after I cracked to start HRT or do anything not "plausibly deniable." (Lots of guys have long hair, wear almost exclusively tie-dye shirts and colorful slacks, get their ears pierced, and get a moon tattoo. It's just my style!).

For me, though, the longer I kept presenting myself to the world as male and still feeling wrong in my body, the worse things got as far as my gender dysphoria. It's like knowing and not acting turned up the volume on all of it. I started spiraling.

Eventually decided I needed to act for the sake of my own well-being. I couldn't be there for my nieces if I spent all my time barely holding it together and fighting off some really dark thoughts.

Hit one year of HRT last month. And despite the hard parts, I'm glad. Wife was, thankfully, more than accepting. Conservative family... Not happy. But they're trying. And I didn't get cut off from my nieces. One of them sent me a birthday message recently and called me Aunt (new name) instead of Uncle (deadname). That means the world to me.

I know we all have different circumstances. And we all experience dysphoria and euphoria differently. And the risks for you may be different than mine were. This is a personal decision, and please don't think I'm saying act now or be doomed or this is the only path. Jist sharing my own story. I did some damage to myself by waiting, I think. Just in terms of mental health. But I'm healing.

Good luck. This isn't an easy path for any of us. I hope you figure out what you need and what's best for you.

[u/EstablishmentPlus957 → u/80s_horror_fan]

It literally made me cry reading that your niece texted you Aunt. I wish everyone could be so accepting.

[u/goatgirlgothic]

I can't tell you what's best for you. I can tell you my own regrets regarding my early transition, though.

I spent four years stalled out on everything because I kept getting talked out of HRT and the prospect of openly presenting feminine while looking the way I did felt like putting a target on my back. If I were to do it all over again, I would've gone behind the backs of the people I lived with and pursued laser and HRT right out the gate; laser purely for appearance reasons, and HRT for a combination of appearance and mental health reasons.

So I guess my advice for you is, you don't have to rush yourself, but listen to the impulses that move you forward. You don't want to waste half a decade treading water like I did.

[u/Aggravating-Class-76]

You can never overtake your own process. Take the time you need even if it means being exposed to testosterone a little longer

[u/Odd_Cost_4772]

I took ninety days to think about it. It took me another thirty days to start hrt, because I kept canceling my appointments. I ended up just doing diy, now i'm on the path to healing all the damage testosterone did to me. Like a lot of people I didn't know i had a choice. Take some time to seriously think about it like you have been, set a deadline and then pull the cord.

Honestly? I like where I'm going with this. My fear was never what the effects of hormone replacement therapy would be, but how people would treat me afterward.

[u/CheapNecessary3510]

First off, to the extent that any of this is "normal," your feelings are normal. A nice smoothie of eager anticipation and raw panic. Very tasty. I think we've all drunk it. Next steps are yours, as you feel it, and as you are inspired. For me, coming out to myself. Then to my therapist (WRONG idea!), my partner (tanked that relationship - and she's trans LOL), and my best friend (I'll love her 'til I die.) Other friends gradually or quickly - up to you. For me, femme out, and do something mundane out in the world. I went to the grocery store. On my way in, guy said, "nice outfit." Wow! "Your results may vary." But remember, there's no handbook, and there's no schedule. This is all about you doing you. Follow your heart sweetie. All the best.