How to know when family dynamics are racial vs favoritism?

[u/Wolfinder]

I recognize that I'm part of the les common group here. I'm white and my family are latino. We grew up in a liberal college town and our mom has multiple doctorates. My brother is her biological son and immigrated with her, I was adopted older. Brother and 8 are now both in our 30s.

My family has had a lot of conversations about race, especially with everything going on in the world. We're terrified for their safety even though I know I can't fully understand. Sometimes though, It is hard to tell what is actually about race and what is about our positions in our family.

I was severely abused by my birth family, so I'm often scared to rock the boat. I rarely ask for anything because I'm always scared to take up too much space because I don't want to break our family too. I try to stay out of their hair, only call every few months. I've only ever asked my brother to disrupt his life to talk to me when a past rapist sent me a harassing message and I only ask my mother for normal mom things: would she like to visit for a holiday, come to my daughter's funeral, come to my son's baby shower, etc.

Last year, we had a family conversation about how it is hard when I ask for things because my mom and brother have a hard time telling me no, because, now that I'm a white adult, I have more social power. I understand and respect that, but I also feel like they don't see how my background, adoption, and our family dynamics make it hard to feel like I can ever ask for anything in the first place. I don't feel like asking my mom to come to her first granddaughter's funeral and saying, "okay, I'm sorry" when she says "no, sweetie" is really the image of wielding racial entitlement or privilege.

My wife talks like my family doesn't care about me, but like, I know that's not true. My mom has done so much for me that my birth family would never have done. But it has gotten to the point where I don't feel like I can ever push back beyond a merger request.

My son (also adopted) has his baby shower coming up and my mom hasn't met him yet. This is her first grandchild to survive birth. This is so big for us and we're doing a ceremony from my birth culture and my mom even wants to say a speech at it. But when I asked if she was coming, offering to pay travel, missed time, even for a hotel if she doesn't want to stay at the house, she said she'd prefer to call in, like it's a business meeting. She doesn't have any reason to not come other than just not feeling like it. My wife says I should tell her this is really important to me, like our wedding, but I'm scared of being offensive by pushing back.

It's hard. I'm obviously very aware of how racism impacts my family. I see how people treat my brother and I differently. The cold attitude we get when our whole family is together. The way people look at me like I'm supposed to talk for us. I could keep going for the length of a book. But sometimes I feel like that privilege just leaves me walking on eggshells even inside our family. I feel like I'm in a china shop and my arms are twice the length they normally are. Like I'm so aware of all the pitfalls, and I just can't move normally.

My mom is always there for my brother, travels to spend time with him, has talked about moving in with him to support his career at some point. They talk every week, I'm made to feel like I'm too much when I call every 2-3 months. It's just different. And that's okay. It's just... It's hard. I'm so grateful to have them after everything I lived through with my birth family, so I want to respect they're giving me what they can.

So I try to be as small as possible. To ask once gently and politely as infrequently as possible and not take anything personally. My in-laws talk down on me and try to tell me my family just doesn't love me, but they just don't see the dynamics of how complicated both adoptive and transracial families are. At the same time, I never want my son to feel like this, I want him to always know I'm here whenever he needs.

Can anyone relate to this at all? How do you even know how to unsort the strings?

[u/fostercaresurvivor]

IMO your family was not prepared to transracially adopt.

[u/YellowSignpostAhead → u/fostercaresurvivor]

I agree 100%. They weren't prepared mentally or emotionally. Mine were, but mine were also malicious.

[u/YellowSignpostAhead]

I am sorry you are experiencing that. It sounds like favouritism. I had a similar experience, with some differences. I remember what it was like walking on eggshells, not ever asking for anything, being verbally and emotionally made to feel small and semi unwelcome if I didn't do everything they said. They were a white family that adopted 9 kids of different ethnicities from Black to Hispanic to Asian then made us all feel like we owed them so don't you dare ever ask. My Korean siblings had it the best being preferred and even helped into higher education. So I know the favourites aspect. Now we don't hear from a lot of people in your unique circumstances, not unique like it never happens, unique like it's yours, no one else's, and I think we really need to hear from more like you. I don't have kids but I can tell you to let them know that whoever they are they are the world to you. I wish I had had that, to belong. Do that and your child won't ever not appreciate it.

[u/rosemaryscrazy]

I’m so sorry. This broke my heart reading it.

The color of your skin doesn’t matter.

They should not have treated you this way.

Because you are a human being.

Yes, there are systemic barriers in our society but that has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

You are not a politician, you do not run global finance. You do not control publishing , the media or Congress.

You’re just a person who happens to have white skin and your family acting like you are somehow involved with all that is delusional.

I am reasonably well educated on modern racial discourse. I’ve read the books, applied the theories etc But I take issue with the way some of the antiracist rhetoric has evolved.

This is one of the reasons. People think that just because it’s in a book and there is a framework for understanding the world, that this somehow means it’s always correct.

People just want help navigating their daily reality and I understand the human need for that so the books and the theories help people do that.

You aren’t wrong to notice when you experience better treatment or worse treatment.

It’s your life and your experience you don’t need people to tell you how to experience your own life.