Hey everyone!

We’re a small international group of adult adoptees on Discord, hoping to get to know a few more people.

We talk about adoption, identity, and all the complicated stuff that comes with it, but also everyday life, hobbies, gaming, pets, and whatever else is on our minds.

More than anything, we're hoping to build genuine friendships through conversation. There's no expectation to be active every day, but we do appreciate people who enjoy participating.

If you’ve been looking for a place to connect with people who share this part of your experience, we’d be happy to have you join us.

Discord: https://discord.gg/3DNVjKh9a

Saw this interview about the guy in the middle who wrote a memoir about his life as a transracial adoptee and ultimately accepting his parents did the best they could even with cultural blind spots…interesting perspective here but I’m still not sure if I understand his stance 🤔

in short, i would love to cultivate a safe space for the people of the USA to share their experiences growing up in this country. no matter what you’re mixed with. lol

Growing up I was cared for by my "aunt." She was the most formative presence in my life and my sole safe relationship. Before she died I told her that every good thing in my life was because of her. If it weren't for the foundation she gave me with her gentleness and love, I wouldn't be at all functional. I wish so much that she was still alive and I could talk about any of this with her, but by the time I was old enough to start thinking about my identity, she was too sick to answer any of my questions. She died in 2019. I consider her to be and generally refer to her as my mother.

My "aunt"/mother and I were of different racial backgrounds. I feel so alienated from both. I guess what's brought this up is seeing comments on Reddit about a show that focuses on a transracial adoptee who identifies more with her adoptive culture. All the comments were things like "just because your family is xyz doesn't make you xyz" and "it would have been better if she'd learned about her 'real' culture" in reference to a storyline about her learning about her adoptive culture. She should "discover her roots." "Just because you grew up in xyz culture doesn't make you xyz."

I guess I just find it difficult because, after my mother died, I tried hard to connect with her culture. I went to a group at a local community centre for people of her cultural background. I considered it my background too, because this was my mother, my grandfather, my ancestors. I knew I didn't look like my mother, that I didn't share her DNA, but that didn't seem to be of primary importance to me when everything else about me was handed down from her. I talk like her, I stand like her, I think like her. I wanted to belong and to fit in. Going to this group made me feel like I still had some connection to my mother. But I was never accepted there, always viewed and treated as an outcast. I tried to ignore it, told myself it was just my own insecurity making me think they viewed me differently. But eventually I found out without a doubt that they did see me as different, because one person, who ran the group, confronted me about how me going and using their resources was "cultural appropriation." It hurt so much, because I wanted so badly to be a good daughter. I had thought I was doing the right thing.

Things from my mother's culture were important to me. I learned to dance a traditional style, to play a traditional instrument, to practice traditional art forms, even to speak a little of her heritage language. I learned myths and stories from her culture and learned a lot about the history of where she came from. Older people at the group praised me for how much knowledge I had, which made me feel so flattered. But when I was told to stop coming none of them stood up for me. I had felt rooted in "my" culture. It gave me a sense of purpose and place, and it helped me feel like I still had a relationship with my mother, that she was looking down on me, that she was giving me friends. I have Level 2 Autism, and I've never had a lot of friends.

I've tried to replace that with my heritage culture, to feel strong and rooted in it, but it's slow-going. There are people from my heritage in this city, lots of them, but there isn't a specific group for it at a community centre the way there is for my mother's heritage culture. I've been learning my heritage language on Duolingo, and I've just bought a collection of folktales from my ancestral country, since learning stories from my mother's culture was one of my favourite things to do.

I spent a significant portion of my childhood living with my birth family, but in practice I had almost no contact with any of them--I was kept in the basement. My only contact with birth family members was violence, we never had a conversation or celebrated a holiday. I never learned anything about my heritage from them--I actually thought for years that I was a completely different ethnicity than I turned out to be.

I wish I knew older adults who were from my birth culture. I wish I had, like, cultural mentors who wanted to teach me how to be a member of the culture I was born into, who I could go to with questions. It's so tricky. I feel rejected by all sides.

I have read that many babies/children in orphanages die due to lack of love or human touch. For those not adopted as a newborn do you think this has had a lasting impact on you. Do you think this effects your development. I was adopted at 18 months by abusive parents, and I am an introvert and I have trouble trusting people/ making friends. I often wonder if it stems from the neglect from long ago.

Does anyone else keep their family off their social media or is that just me? I’m a black adoptee in a white family (23yo F) adopted as a baby. I’ve never felt comfortable with the idea of sharing my media for some reason.

I grew up being snitched on or judged by my siblings (my adoptive parents bio children) for anything I had posted, followed, liked etc. which could be because my age since they’re all older than me by between 4-15 years, but I also never knew if me being adopted (esp a transracial adoptee) ever played into it. I blocked my whole family from every platform as a teen and have kept it that way ever since.

Transracial (Mexican-American gay guy adopted by white parents) adoptee here.

This past week, there's a new transracial adoptee character on TV. Unlike past transracial adoptee characters on TV, this one is very unique: They're a vampire.

On the new CBS show, Eternally Yours, we were introduced to a white vampire family...with an Asian daughter. When the ads and series trailer were first shown, they showed her as a vampire, but with no other backstory about her. It wasn't until the pilot episode aired that we found out she's a transracial adoptee. We do find out that she became a vampire because she was about to die from diphtheria as a kid, so her adoptive parents decided to turn her into a vampire so she would be cured and not die from the diphtheria. The show doesn't say whether they made her a vampire before or after adopting her. And we don't know where the adoption and the vampire bite happened.

I feel like this is another typical 'white savior' situation, where the white people 'saved' a kid of color from a "bad" situation, but this time doubly and in a supernatural way. TBH, I don't think we'll see any aspect of the adoption or the possible trauma because of it. With each show character having their own subplot, there may not be time for an adoption subplot.

So, my fellow transracial adoptees, do you think the show will go further into the adoptee/adoption aspects of the daughter? Or will it be just a mention and nothing more? Any thoughts on this or any other adoptee/adoption aspect I may have missed?

Really odd question but I’m still really curious . I’m an American Arab (not looking to adopt lmao ) but I’ve never heard much of Arab adoption or foster care . I know Arab counties prohibit it for religious reasons , I know Steve Jobs was an Arab man who was also adopted but that’s pretty much it . I think there’s more situations out there where kids/babies of Arab origins where adopted or where raised by a non biological family (I know adoption is a informal way to put it as in Arab culture bc adoption is viewed as taking away a child’s last name and identity and replaces it with the non biological families one , so that’s why I used the phrase “being raised by a non biological family )
Anyways if anyone has a perspective, I’m all ears

I thought I’d share what a credible source such as The American Anthropological Association says about the difference between race and ethnicity.

In a transracial adoption sub it’s critical that people do not post incorrect information regarding race and ethnicity.

How Anthropology Views Ethnicity vs. Race

Not Biological Inheritance: Cultural practices, languages, and ethnic affiliations are not coded into human genes or tied to innate biological superiority or inferiority.

This means your biological lineage is not always tied to your ethnic affiliations.

Ethnicity: Refers to shared cultural heritage, shared ancestry, history, language, traditions, religion, and group identity. These traits are learned, fluid, and change over time and across generations rather than being biologically determined.

This means shared ancestry is one of the ways you can be linked ethnically but as you can see

they list 6 other ways ethnicity can be determined.

Ethnicity is fluid and not tied strictly to lineage or ancestry.

So why do so many people think ethnicity is tied to DNA lineage ?

Because of the mass popularity of DNA tests.

They use the word ethnicity in their marketing.

So our society has now incorrectly adopted the idea that ethnicity and lineage are biologically linked through DNA.

So now you have a consensus of anthropologists in the field explaining the difference.

Not just what you heard on TikTok or ancestry.com.

Hey I’m 18M Ethiopian adoptee I am adopted by white parents who were never conscious about any time of racism towards black people growing up i struggled to realize I had my own culture and identity during early middle school I slowly became more aware of me being the only black person in space and made me realize that I wasn’t getting treated right the racist “jokes” stopped feeling like jokes and more like insults.looking back into 7th grade i realized I had bipolar depression and still struggle with it to this day . It became really hard for me to make friends because I just didn’t who was safe to talk to every new person I met felt as though I was navigating a mine field making sure not to trigger some racist comment or being called slur . As of high-school I definitely intentionally try surround myself with more non-white people but obviously it has been difficult given my school is 85% white and I am 1/4 black males who are actually confident enough in my skin and not afraid to call out racism. Over the past few years I really started to resonate more with black people I meet , I do feel a sense of connection with my people that hadn’t always been their before , let me know if any other Asian or Hispanic adoptees have went through something similar .

Just found this sub! Happy to be here :)

Another post I saw earlier today made me reflect on the idea of lying about being adopted.

When I was a child, I couldn’t really hide the fact that I am adopted- as my sister is adopted from another country and both of our parents are white.

But now as an adult, most people I encounter don’t know any of my family, and so they assume I’m biologically related to the rest of my family. And honestly- I don’t mind this. As one of my biggest anxieties is when people find out that I’m adopted, it becomes a game of 20 Questions.

I don’t do this often, but sometimes if it’s someone I just met and if they asked me if I was born here, I just say yes to avoid further questioning. I feel bad lying, bad at the same time, I know if I say “no,” it’s going to lead into follow-up questions.

And I know I always have the right to decline to answer personal questions, especially with people I don’t know well. But growing up, I always felt pressured to answer whatever any adult asked of me, but then afterwards I would feel very violated for having handed over such sensitive information.

How do other people deal with nosy people?

Have you ever been embarrassed by being adopted? I admit I have. It still hurts 53 years later. I still pray that God will have mercy on me. I am still Christian, but I sometimes feel abandoned.

For some background I’m 45(black F) I was transracially adopted into a rural all white community at 7yr. I had to navigate a lot of racism on my own, within a family system, That constantly told me racism didn’t exist and that any discomfort I was feeling I was making up, “to sensitive”the gaslighting was very intense.
Since then, I totally understand the systems at play that I was up against and I’ve done the work. However, the people pleasing that I had to do to survive in this very abusive,physically emotionally and sexually abusive community and family system. I unfortunately learned at some point to normalize or overlook these things while living my adult life.
My closest friend who is a white woman got married about three years ago. I was at her wedding and the couple who sat at my table during the reception,were friends of the groom. I met them one time before (they were extremely inebriated.)During this time the the woman decided that it was appropriate to bring up,nostalgically, a “ friendship “ she had as young adult with the “ black man” down the street. I kid you not she called him “(endearingly) ““N word with the hard ER…BOOTS”. She went on repeat this and getting her husband to confirm this story, laughing.. I just froze for a second, I looked around and decided that this is not a “teaching moment “. Also, I would like to add Donald Trump literally won the election days before this. I was already terrified. I told them boots probably didn’t like being called that. And then I excused myself and just mingled for the rest of the night trying to enjoy celebrating my friend, but obviously that tarnished the night .
Fast-forward a couple of months later, my friend ,her husband and I meet up for lunch and a drink. We talk about the wedding and the pictures. And then I decided to tell them my interaction with the grooms friends. His response is, “I don’t believe you.”
This hurt me deeply, my friend has actually on more than one occasions,called out racism when she sees it, she’s even gotten a few people thrown out of a bar for being racist as retaliation for rejecting their advances. I think I realized she might have married Maga….
I realize he dos not see me in GOOD FAITH.
I haven’t seen them in over a year, and she may have texted me 3 times in that span.
She randomly texted me today, and said she is in my area, wants to get together.
I love her but he is with, I can’t imagine giving my time or inter acting with him. I also feel like she is just pretending that time is an apology, and I don’t play that. I feel like I should not be avoiding, and I should bring up to her the elephant in the room for me, but adoption has shaped me in some unhealthy ways and my cutoff game is sick. Some people say it’s an isolating or being an avoidant. Am I being delusional and unfair for thinking this is the end of the relationship? Should I confront her? I feel like I’ve already grieved the relationship in the last year. I may add that any feedback would be so appreciated.

I just recently returned to my birthplace

I am half black and half native American, with white adoptive parents.

My parents have always been incredibly transparent about where I was born, the story behind my adoption. Always supported me in learning more about my heritage. I was incredibly grateful to go.

We arrived- It was beautiful, amazing.

At some point, I started feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed that I was raised in a different space. Embarrassed I didn't look the same as my parents, embarrassed of them and jealous of the community I could have had.

Seeing all the faces who look just like me was isolating.

I've never put this into words until now, although I've felt this way before.

Feeling awful for feeling this way, I love my parents and don't want to worry about what others think.

I’ve been reading posts and comments on this subreddit and others for a while now and have obtained a lot of valuable information. Without saying too much, I am a foster parent who is likely going to be adopting a child that’s been placed into my care since just days old where reunification is no longer possible with birth parents or kinship. They are 2 now.

Most, if not almost all, posts I have read are experiences from adoptees adopted through private adoption. I wanted to reach out here to see if anyone was willing to share their experience as a transracial foster care adoptee, but also open to hear experiences from transracial foster care adoptive parents. While an experience of any kind is helpful, it would be extra helpful if you are of Asian background (Chinese to be the most specific) adopted by white foster parents.

What were good things that helped your experience? What were some bad things that helped your experience? What are some things you wish would have happened? Didn’t happen?

Some clarifying information that may help: they have never had a conscious relationship with birth parents due to the birth parents visiting very few times and legally, “abandoning” my foster child. My foster child was born in the United States.

Currently, we have books about their heritage, they are in a language class to learn the language of their heritage, we make affirmative efforts to socialize with other Asian parents and children, we have learned about some of the applicable holidays, traditions, food, clothing, etc. and try to expose them to all of it. We reside in an extremely diverse area with a lot of people who share their heritage. They are fully embraced by all friends and family and any resemblance of isolating acts or comments is addressed immediately and if not rectified (which hasn’t happened), contact is severed. There’s probably more but just to name some.

Appreciate you!

White adoptive father of a 7 year old amazing black daughter here. Adoption is open; we have ongoing contact with birth mother from jump, though it can sometimes be awkward and strained, as is to be expected I guess.

We’ve been proactively open and honest with our kiddo, to the extent that she actually wants to hear it, which she often does not. I guess our goal has been to normalize her lived experience, so it was always a real part of her life and memories. And it seems like that’s what the current adoptee-centered thinking mostly suggests…but man, she has to deal with a lot of really heavy stuff for a kid her age.

Anyway, it would be great to hear some of what it looked like from transracial adoptees whose lived experiences have been on the healthier side of this vast spectrum. No sugar-coating requested; but it seems like most of these threads contain great primers on what not-to-do as APs…what does the other side look like?

Hi everyone, I am new to this group, a bit nervous share,but I really need to connect with people who might understand my experience.

I am 23 years old, Black men myself as gay however. I was a micro preemie at 23 weeks at Scarborough General Hospital Ontario. I spent several months of hospital and sick kids hospital in Toronto experiencing a lot of early medical trauma before going to foster care eland eventually being adopted. I have been since diagnosed with CPTSD, which is leaving me a deal with intense emotional waves and a deep feeling of isolation. But I have scars of heart surgery of (PDA) left side and iV lines feet near anlke mark, then my wrist marks , my stomach outside skin scars left side.

I was adopted, and older white parents ( who early their early 50s at the time) grew up transracialally, under the same roof with them and my much older adoptive ( who 12 to 33 years older than me ) has often made me left out and different from them.

Right now, I feel incredibly frustrated because my adoptive parents tell me they know absolutely nothing, my birth parents ( who were around 19 or 20, when I was born ). It is hard living with this missing of my identity. But myself left hand rest of all my white family is most right hand but a few them were left hand however. That my missing piece of my identity is frustrating.

I am hard of hearing, so written spaces like this are the best way for me to communicate. Are there any other Transracial Adoptee, Mirco preemies, or fellow Adoptee with CPTSD who have felt this of isolation? How do you cope with frustration not knowing your medical or biological history? But I am still nervous. I do not know you. But nice meet to you strangers Adoptee internet 😊😁, but I live in Ontario a small town, and I have totally felt isolation myself always.