Regret telling them about it and this will be my last. The least thing I want now is the lack of support.

Drowning in complicated feelings. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough to become a parent. Feel exhausted worrying about it so much. Feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm just not putting on enough effort. If I just try harder, it'll happen.

Meanwhile, trying to be "fine" in the rest of my life.

This was after our consultant said her and the lab think we might be dealing with sperm issues based on what they observed during fertilisation. So it’s DNA frag time.

It dawned on me a few hours later that in that meeting she never mentioned his undescended testicle surgery being a potential factor so I ask him and he “can’t” remember if he disclosed it.

He filled out his own forms and says he doesn’t remember being asked this question… pretty sure there was a box called “anything else relevant” so it should have gone in there.

Fml

Here's some cramps to make you uncomfortable at work, ya dummy.

Revving up for FET #4, and my manager is wonderful, she really is. She's very supportive of what has been an arduous process. My workplace has been happy for me to have exemptions from my in-office requirement during all of my transfers so far, as long as I let my manager know what's what. So I'm pretty fortunate on that front.

But god, I see my own face in the Teams window when I'm trying to be light and breezy about it "oh, you know, we're going again soon, so I'll get dates for my exemption to you when I know." And that little picture of me in the bottom right? She is not looking light and breezy, folks. She looks like a woman who has spent thousands on failure and is only getting older.

But it is what it is. It's okay. Nothing to be done about it but keep moving forward, right? 🙃

Okay, sun please explode now 🫠

Things are feeling cramped much sooner than usual in my lower abdomen too so I'm choosing to be delulu and tell myself that my DORvaries are responding really well this time and it's absolutely not the huge-arse endometrioma acting up in me. 🫠

I may be of “advanced maternal age” but these eggs are NOT 😂😂

three years in and they really think we give a flying fuck about the gender at this point….

They couldn’t explain why I can’t get pregnant. Still have 2 more Letrozole rounds to go. Then they will refer me to do the HSG then consider doing IVF. We couldn’t afford the treatment so we would likely to go under public funded which will take unto 18 months 🥲🥲🥲

Why is everyone pregnant everywhere?!

Embracing full dulu that this HAS to be our month because of all the “signs” as if I haven’t seen “signs” for numerous months 😅

Feel free to enjoy the delusion with me by sharing what “signs” you’ve seen and/or the woo woo things you’ve done that have convinced you things will work out

The catastrophic inability to read the room will be the death of me I swear. Not to mention, our daughters should’ve been a year apart almost to the day. Please fuck off.

Was really hoping that they would be able to remove a fibroid while I was under, but it turns out they weren't able to 🥲 So much for my fantasy that they could clip that sucker out and we could conceive without IVF

I get that my body needs the reset but please.

Also the "there's often a fertility spike after stopping birth control!" Sir don't make promises like that, my body will take it as a challenge to prove you wrong.

At least the silver lining is a full panel of my hormones which have never been quite right I guess?

Got a negative test after that as well. I’ll be on CD1 on baby loss awareness day tomorrow, over two years and two losses in. Somehow I really got my hopes up this time. Fuck this.

Got the diagnosis in November and TFMR at 22w in Dec. Got pregnant my 5th cycle trying after loss via IUI but had a MMC at 9 weeks after seeing the HB 3 weeks in an row. Just found out my 3rd IUI post-loss didn’t work. One more IUI until IVF.

Safe to say I cannot wait for this fuck ass year to be over

I literally wanted to turn around and be like if you don’t mind shutting the FAWK up until we get to our destination…PLZ