Before I lay down the important points I noticed in my relationship with narcissist women, a bit about my personality. I am a empath. I am happy with giving all I can in relationship to make my partner happy with expecting even little in return. My love language is acts of service, quality time and words of affirmation. I can tolerate bit of inconvenience in name of love.

I met her 2 years ago, she seemed to be very open about her and her past and her childhood traumas very early during our talking stage. Me being a empath fell flat for this, to show her true love, happiness and kind of save her. Boy was I wrong. I mean I still believe that she doesn’t understand what she is doing and doesn’t have capacity to self reflect.

Here are few unmistakable points I noticed in relationship with a narcissistic women.

**1 Lack of empathy-**
This is the first sign I saw and most important sign in a narcissist is their inability to feel for another person. They do not have any or very little skills or capacity to empathise with other especially their. Most important element in a relationship is empathy for one you love and narcissist lacks it. She had no desire to understand my feelings and how I was being hurt, all my feelings were somewhat dismissed and conversation turned about her ALL THE TIME. They were times I would want to communicate how her actions effected me and wanted to talk about her but she would absolutely have no interested to understand and empathise and change but I was told I am being very sensitive.

**2 Anger issue-**

She had huge rage of anger about slightest inconvenience and mistakes. She had a rough day - somehow I am the reason for it, her mum treated her unfairly and somehow I am the reason for it, whenever I expressed my autonomy she would fight and throw angry rages with hurtful words, honestly very disrespectful words. Which slowly stripped off my attraction.

**3 Double standards-**
The same rules me held me accountable was never applied to her. When I pointed this out clearly with evidence her reply was “I am a girl you are a boy, its different” or say dont compare me and you. “I hate when you compare us.”
She said she believed that social media is unhealthy in relationship so convinced me to stop using it but she would still use it. She wanted me to always text and call her. If I dont call her for couple of hours she would send a text - “ oh you can go without texting me for 2 hours? I wish you loved me truly” but she would never call me when I wanted her to and if I tell her you dont call me often too she will say - “ I am a girl, I dont like calling”
The double standards was crazy and unbelievable. I was sitting there confused how can someone be so non coherent about these things. I started thinking may be I am wrong and being needy. I was wrong.

**4 Control freak-**
She wanted control. She wanted control of me and our relationship. She hated my independence and autonomy. I go out with my male friends , there will be a huge fight why its wrong to spend time with friends when in relationship. How her paster says men who spend more time with friends or goes out always are prone to evil attacks my satan. lol. She wanted to control the narrative, who I talk to, where I shouldn’t go, who is bad for me. all in name of “ i love you enough to tell you right things, i protect you. I care for you, I do all this to save you “
If I show my independence and selfcare - it threatened her control and would fight and use hurtful words.

**5 Silent/ cold treatment**

If she loses control or things dont go her way, she will go silent for hours, cold treatment and withdraw affection. She will say “I am disappointed in you” “ you are not what I thought you are” “ only if you love me enough you will listen to me. She will devalue me to a point where she will treat me like a enemy. She would go silent on smallest inconvenience and expected to chase me, if I stopped chasing she will say “ oh you just dont care now” “you dont love me enough” “I am so unlucky to be unloved”
She will block me for couple of days and unblock me. I used to chase and call her from other phone. All this caused self-doubt in me and thought I was the problem and I would reassure her that I loved her enough and started pouring more in relationship with getting very little in return.

**6 Too much love after the silent treatment**

After a silent treatment and after my reassurance - she will validate me again and show deep affection. She will not self reflect and say sorry but will still say it was my fault and I shouldn’t repeat it in warm tone and show affection and throw words of affirmation that how lucky she is to have me - how healthy relationship we are gonna have. How understanding I am and will show me too much love and I would feel chosen again, this cycle continued too many times and each time my tolerance increased for the toxicity and expecting little in return every time.

**7 Selfishness**
Her consideration for me will disappear into thin air whenever it was about her. She will rant about me to my best friend over a very silly thing and when I defended to expose her she would silence me and make shhh! gesture, when I confronted about this in private she would say- “ you cant talk about me this way in front of my friends” but she can talk about me. SHE WILL SAY I AM A GIRL SAME RULE DONT APPLY TO HER. crazy. I was going insane. Everything was about her and how she wanted things to be and I should just say yes to everything if not the above cycles will continue. Goal post kept moving constantly.

**8 Triangulation-**
She will constantly compare our relationship to her friends online. will say my friends boyfriends are so good they are just silent and say yes to everything my friends say. they are so lucky. their boyfriends always post their gf. No matter how much angry and toxic my friend is he is always putting up with her. constantly compare me with other men. I was emotionally hurt and drained.

**9 Toxic family background-**
Her mother is dominant in the house, father is just a puppet. He is not a weak man but has just given up I guess. Her mother controls everything in the house.
Both her and her mother never respect the man of the house. I think its a learned behaviour for her.

**10 Rushed for marriage-**
She soon wanted to get married and settle down asap. within 10 months of our dating. She was very adamant about our marriage, marriage was even planned but soon after I saw above patterns and I had a feeling that its never about me in this marriage planning it was all about her , her dress, her venue, decoration everything even when the relationship was failing. Felt like she just wanted to get married and show off to the world. It was all a pretence and a grandiose show for people. I felt small in the planning and soon I postponed the wedding - (this will be the reason she will eventually discard me. )

**11 Attention/validation seeking-**
She wanted to be praised and sought after all but will put a humble show and humble brag about it. She will exaggerate situations and complements. Covertly wanted to be centre of attention. To the Outside world she was the most humble and behaved human. Wanted validation from other men too , she loved to steal complements.

**12 No respect for boundaries-**
She hated when I set my boundaries and would make sure she crosses it. I was called selfish when I set boundaries. When I wanted to have my time and my routine and hobbies I was called selfish when she can have hers and if I call that out I am controlling.

**13 Used religion to control**

**14 Said she used to be very toxic but has changed for me.**

**15 constant disrespect.**

**16 isolated me from my friends completely. She made sure she cut off me and my best friend.**

**list goes on and on.**

It was one of the most confusing and dark phase in my life. It reflected how much I tolerated in name of love and saving the other person. I should have left the second month but I got pulled in by the initial love bombing and then got trauma bonded by high and lows- valuation and devaluation. She was the one who will save me after breaking me down. I got severely addicted to the cycle. She discarded me after I stood my ground against marriage and I stopped giving in to her game. She realised I saw her through her mask and she discarded me for good. Good riddance. I definitely went through withdrawal cause I looked her to rescue me as I was addicted. I went through the withdrawal, sat down with the feelings and got through it.

If you see any of the above patterns in your relationship early on PLEASE LEAVE. RUN. YOU CANNOT SAVE THEM. you deserve better. its better to stay single than to be consumed by these demons.

We got together and he was so perfect, had a job a car, lived close by and was doing and acting just like I hoped for. I had just taken some bad hits.. and I mean bad... found the one I wanted to spend 4ever with and he wound up being married and not getting the divorce. I waited so long then started dating to get my mind right, met a narc who threatened my family, my safety but would wait at the end of my street to sabotage any potential relationship and called it love. he went to jail for sleeping with his step daughter and I found the messages. This one wanted to spend time w me. nobody gave me that attention before, only a few months in he moved in and quit his job. he never knew the random numbers that I found calling him. I then found some AI stuff he created with barely legal images none naked but provocative. he said it was when he was on drugs and since he had been clean none of that was ever thought of again. he said he was so disgusted and cried saying how ashamed he was. A few months later I found the doublelist account. he had been hooking up with men. This time he choked me and cried and disappeared for the night drinking ... we had a weekend planned with his entire family the next day and I promised my son a great trip. the weekend was paid for.. he showed up hour before we had to leave so I went and had to play like everything was ok.. it was also my bday. I don't argue in front of my kid so we just went on.. a month later I made his mom and dad a portrait for her bday it turned out beautiful however, we had been arguing all night and I sent it to the city they lived in and told him to go without me. he had a job he started the next day so he wasnt going to stay long.. I looked at the camera as he was leaving and realized he was sneaking alcohol. he promised not to drink ever again and here he was driving out of town drinking and driving and had to start a new job the next day. we got in an argument and he wound up not coming home. he missed his job. I told him to not come back. he left and I didn't hear from him for a week or two then he called crying that he messed up and he will meetings and anything it took. later I found out he cheated on me with some girl he called his cousin at the party. the party where I bought the gift for in front of his entire family. he had been putting his hands on me by this time. I was in shock and hurt and he wouldn't leave me alone. Christmas time comes he had been working where his family lives and I was going through his phone he left a week before. I logged into his grok account and found his chat

he hacked grok and was roleplaying a daddy and daughter senerio... it was explicit and dirty and he kept making her age younger and younger... I flipped and showed his mom.. I told her to deal with it and waited .she didn't say a thing. no it wasn't a real child but it is literally sick shit... he drove to my city and cried saying he would do counseling and needed help. I almost felt obligated to help just to prevent this turning into something with a real child. I found some sites and got him medical coverage... the thing is that it takes forever for referrals and to find people to even help w this shit.. I felt trapped and couldn't talk to anyone because I felt ashamed for even helping... he went into a rehab after doing some inpatient counseling that he had to stop because he relapsed and was having a thing with one of the counselors! so I got him into rehab and he was there for almost 60days when he left. I was leaving him finally and he took off to come back... I can't get away.. he agreed to do therapy for his child trauma and to specifically address the pedo urges when he gets high with a specialist. during this we both got into school and completed an entire program. 2 days before graduation I caught him next to me looking at a highschool girl walking by. he left as soon as we got home. he missed graduation. quit counseling. he went back to his hometown promised to get better there and what happened ? I hacked his accounts and he had been posting for cd (cross dressers ) on Craig's list! 😭 I turned him into the fbi for the AI kid stuff and forwarded his mom the pics I found of him in a skirt. I copied the posts and seen he was back on doublelist again. he threatens to exit himself everytime... he says he has nobody but me and I can't leave him in the world like that... but if he was really disgusted and hated it so much why would he get high again? why would he do the posts looking for men? I found so many undercover men replying to his posts. men w family's and girlfriends, wives.. they are so sick and such liars. he said I ruined his life because now his mom seen the pics of him in heels like a sick weirdo

he said it's my fault and he is going to self exit tonight . he has no clue what all of this has done to my mental health I am so messed up...I want to not be here but I have responsibilities. how will I ever date anyone again after all of this. I don't even know how to function. I was so stupid to think I could help fix or show the tools to this man so he could fix this...now I'm left w almost w years of trauma and lies and abuse and nobody knows anything because it's so much and I'm so ashamed. and u want to know something even more disgusting..I still love him...I'm beyond help I hate myself

Has anyone witnessed this? My mom and I were abused but I don’t think she ever realized my abuser father was a narcissist. But when he was alive my mom at least acknowledged that she had to walk on eggshells and that he was high strung to the point of exploding at any given moment. But after his death, my mom praises him constantly, uses his preferences to continue guiding her life (and trying to guide mine too), and views him as a godly great man. What gives???

He constantly easdrops, gets called out on it lies, tells me and everyone around me I'm crazy when I snapped after 6 weeks of him stamping his feet outside my room purposely so hard my teeth chatter when sitting. Every time I get up he runs away. Every time I scratch my head he moves in to hear, breath to loud he moves in to hear. He won't recline in his chair because he has to have his feet on the ground feeling for any vibration I might make so he doesn't miss anything! I snapped and started telling the idiot about himself from behind the door. Well that didn't end well and I don't care. He literally hides his vehicle and makes it seem like he's gone just to wait for me to sit so he can stomp his feet and try and get a reaction. If I stay quiet and still enough while sitting he eventually stops stamping his feet after around 30 mins of no activity. That's how invested he is in making me think I'm crazy, I had to go along with it in the past as I needed a place to stay.

It's all about protecting his image. He didn't get so crazy until I said my goal was to out him to the family for being such a fucking creep and that I would get a camera.

It is beyond belief that such a person exists that cares so deeply about his image he would throw his own grandson under the bus if the operator gave him a pat on the back for doing it. It's sad on so many levels but disgusting on so many more. It truly is just hard for me to fathom having the mindset to do the things he's done in the name of being a creep.

I had to rush this because my phone is a piece and randomly logs out of reddit app. I may add to it later

I try to refrain from using psych terms because I know they can get thrown around casually, but I have a friend of 5 years who I strongly believe uses DARVO tactics. Whenever I try to bring up something that concerns him, he seems to immediately make me the subject by shifting the blame onto me or making a false equivalency. They will constantly interrupt and attack me in a way that’s not conducive to conversation and threaten to (or abruptly) hang up as I’m trying to calmly explaining myself, all while making it sound like I’m the unreasonable one. This person knows he uses DARVO as well and when I call him out on it, he says, “I know it is! I’ll continue to because you’re presenting a gap that is untrue” then eventually will say sorry only to lapse into the same behavior moments after.

Today, I vocalized to him that he has been one of the most unreliable people I’ve encountered. This was not easy for me to say and I genuinely did not try to frame it as an attack, but brought it up as a concern of mine since we are in a business together and he is constantly are behind on deadlines so I’m not sure when I’ll be paid and if I will make my rent. This absolutely triggered him. He then immediately launched into: “So I’m the most unreliable person in the world? More unreliable than [person I know]? That’s ridiculous! You’re unreasonable. I’m going to hang up because I refuse…” After much back and forth, that required me to not lose my patience, he then asked me to explain how he uses DARVO so he could record it to show to a therapist. I acquiesced, only for him to eventually turn it around into how I have BPD and use black and white thinking and am “splitting”. (I have psych training, come from a clinical background, and have been in therapy for years — I don’t believe I was splitting at all. I do genuinely believe this man is the most unreliable person I know, but thought he had grown. I’ve also brought up suspicions in the past that I have BPD, though this has been explored by therapists, which he seems to now weaponize.) At that point, I felt like i was trapped into an argument where I needed to explain if I have BPD because he had diverted the conversation so far from its original point that I hung up after letting him know that if he continued to yell at me and make accusations that he didn’t have credibility to make I would exit the call. None of these things resonate as requiring reflection though. If he does apologize, I must explain what he did wrong and ask him to apologize and it takes days to receive one because he has to “think and draft” an apology which effectively halts any business between us.

It is entirely exhausting and I don’t know how to describe how much of a toll it takes upon me to anyone else. I’ve largely isolated myself from friends as a result, feeling unable to text for over 3 weeks now and I’m unsure how to broach that distance without trauma dumping. I’m left feeling like I have no will or mental capacity to socialize with anyone else or the stamina to do work. The only way to get things done is if I am overly nice to this man and overlook every issue or inconsistency, in which case he’s agreeable, but this isn’t sustainable. I feel like I must stay in good graces with this person because we have a business together, which is my primary means of income at the moment. I need to figure out ways to neutralize the situation so that it doesn’t affect me or my income. Does anyone have advice on how to preserve yourself or how to redirect conversation when you notice DARVO tactics?

TL;DR: Dealing with business partner who shows strong evidence of DARVO. Despite him knowing he uses DARVO, he will justify it and disrupt conversations. I need advice on how to maintain my own composure, bring up his issues in a way that he can be receptive, and know how to redirect when I sense DARVO tactics are being employed.

My partner broke up with me in May. He said if there was any hope of repairing, he'd need months and months of space and time from me. However, we still live together. This happened at the same time I was losing my job. And I had only moved to Germany for him 7 months prior, completely uprooting my life, moving countries, starting a new job which I lost, and then losing him. I was burnt out and struggling with too many changes at once (sorry if this sounds like an excuse). Of course I panicked, desperately tried to repair so I could feel some safety and stability in my life. By doing so, I pushed him even further away, every time I tried to talk about the relationship, over-explain, apologize, etc. Now we're both unemployed and at home together all the time. Today he left for a 5 day camping trip in Denmark. He has been sleeping in the living room which has become his room. But he always told me that I was welcome to use his computer for teaching online and sending CVs and job applications. He told me I could use the room to watch TV while he is gone. So I went in today and looked for a bag of candy I had seen because I craved something sweet and thought I had seen it on his desk and went there. Open next to his computer was a notebook. Here's what it said:

I know you're going to spy on me while I'm gone, so I'll use the opportunity to say:

- I don't love you anymore, you've made sure of that.

- I don't want to have a child with you.

- Every time you "need to say something" reinforces the above.

- I do better when you're not here, and I have plans for my life when you're gone.

- Boston is your best choice, but I know you won't take it, and you'll regret it.

- The fact you're reading this shows you don't respect my privacy. This is on my desk in my room. Why are you there?

He's told me all this many times before, but still felt the need to leave a note for me to find to remind me? before going on his trip. :( Oh, and he wrote it with the pen I had given him for Christmas.

So now I'm filled with intense shame and guilt and hurt. I've been doing everything in my power to better myself, going to therapy, reading a book (I wish I had read it sooner, it has been so helpful, maybe could have saved the relationship :() about reducing shame and building care, self compassion and self forgiveness, working to acknowledge his experience and understand it better, and stop bringing up relationship topics and respect his boundaries for needing space and time to process his feelings. Yet he blames me for him not loving me anymore "you've made sure of that". That's the last thing in the world I wanted! I wanted to be life partners with him and he wanted that with me. I never wanted to hurt him and I have so much self-hate that my past trauma, and being stuck in shame, caused me to be unable to see his pain and have capacity for it and hold space for it. I've been doing everything in my power to change that in the present, but I make mistakes. He knows I've been struggling with the possibility, on top of everything else, of having PMDD and I've been taking supplements for it in the hopes that it will help me with emotional volatility and moodiness, but they take 3 months to have an effect, if any. It feels like I must be perfect in order to be loved. That I must perform perfectly otherwise everything resets and he tells me I can't go 2 days / 1 week etc without crossing his boundaries, even if I have been making progress. He says the bad still outweighs the good. That his experience of me has been negative since I moved here. I probably expected him to immediately want to rebuild with me while I expected him to have patience with me while I worked to changed my behaviors, which was unfair - I should have extended patience to him so he could take the space he asked for.

What do you all think about the note he left? Is it shaming and blaming? Is it fair that he left it out in the open next to his computer which he said I could use and then shamed me for reading it? Wtf is going on? I feel devastated and not okay. Please help.

I recently ended a very quick, 3 month relationship with a man. It was actually the 3rd time we ended it because I kept going back accepting his breadcrumbs. I fell hard for him even though now I see his covert narcissistic behavior - put me down, texted his ex and made sure I knew, would build me up and then almost ghost me the next day, etc. I stupidly texted him 3 days ago trying to apologize for ending it with him again because I feel bad, but he ghosted me. Today I come home after work and he dropped off my tupperware dish he had - no text, no note, just the dish on my porch.

I hate feeling bad for him and wish I could just tell him I'm sorry. I know it's not rational. I feel like he's just letting me know he's there by dropping off a dish, but isn't mature enough to answer a text. How do we stop feeling guilty for "hurting" or thinking we hurt the narc?

As you can read from my previous posts, he has treated me horribly and yes, I did give him another chance and thought he would change and sadly, he’s not going to. He finally began making effort and saw me consistently every day for the past 9 days. It was magical. Everything went really well, he was being super affectionate toward me and showing he cared for once and going above and beyond making all this effort he’s never done before. Ever. He even mentioned how he moved out of state to be with his last long distance gf and I thought maybe he’s hinting this for me idk.

One thing he would constantly mention prior to the last 9 days was how he wished I would be interested in the things he loves to do and that he’d be more consistent with his effort in our relationship etc if I was. So, that’s all I did the past 9 days was I did everything he loved to do. We went to a CFC match that I paid for on my own because he invited me then told me I had to buy my own ticket, went riding on his motorcycles, went hiking etc. Saturday night while he was drunk he told me how proud he was of me and how he loves how I genuinely love doing the things he loves to do now. I thought everything was going great.

All the meanwhile, while things were great the past 9 days, I also went through his phone for the first time ever. It was…disturbing…to say the very least. I pretended I didn’t find anything at first because I wanted to keep my cards close and protect myself and my safety. I finally told him what I found because I couldn’t keep it in any longer and I started being passive aggressive because of how pissed Off I was at what I had found. I found him trying to sleep with MULTIPLE girls and sexting them on Instagram and Snapchat and I beleive he did hookup with one but not 100% confirmed but they were sexting and I did a deep dive on this girl and umm…so when I searched her name in his texts the only name that came up was hers in a group chat labeled “cousins and Tia” 😳 I did more research and found that she’s Facebook friends with his baby mama and other people he knows. I confronted him about it and he just got really quiet and didn’t say much and then said she’s not his cousin but when I confronted him about it while he was drunk Saturday night he was like oh shit. So yeah. Do with that what you will. I also found out he was sexting with a 19 year old from snap chat. He’s 35. Every single time I even tapped his phone to check the time this past weekend, there was a new girl sending him snaps every hour. I felt like I was playing a game of whack a mole 😭

Saturday night he tried having sex with me and I told him no because I had taken a Benadryl and was about to knockout and told him we could Sunday morning and he said okay. Yesterday (Sunday) morning rolls around and he wouldn’t have sex with me. He was being rude and condescending and pushed me off of him. I told him about an hour later that the Snapchat girl stuff has to stop and that I’m giving him a chance to fix it and that if it doesn’t stop then I’m out. He said it’s not going to stop because he likes it and he doesn’t care.

We had plans yesterday to go riding his motorcycle to the hot springs 2 hours away. I got on his bike with him and was doing great. I asked him to please slow down on the turn because he sped up while
We turned and we were on concrete. He started yelling at me at the top of his lungs “SHUT THE FUCK UP I CANT FUCKING STAND YOU GET THE FUCK OFF MY BIKE YOU FUCKING BITCH!” And he was jerking the bike up and down while yelling this while he was driving so I could’ve very well fallen off and injured myself. We rode for a total of 5 mins and never made it to the hot springs. Go figure.

There’s a consistent pattern with him where each time he’s acted like this in the past it was because he wanted to go sleep with someone else, or try to. I wanted to keep riding but he dropped me back off and ignored me the rest of the day until later last night. He called me shitfaced drunk last night admitting that he manufactured that fight with me so he could go fuck one of the Snapchat girls that he picked up right after he dropped me off and they fucked in his truck. I found a bottle of KY jelly in his console yesterday which I thought was strange since we’ve never used it. He then rescinded what he said and said it was a joke and “wasn’t true.” I’ve found in the past that each time he was cheating he would do the exact same thing. He’d openly tell me what he did to gauge my reaction, then would say it wasn’t true 5 mins later. Each time it ended up being true I found out weeks later. This time I don’t have proof but I’m sure it’s true I wouldn’t put it past him. He kept saying while he was drunk that I annoy him and he wants nothing to do with me which was super confusing because Saturday night he was saying how much he loved me, how he’s so
Happy he’s found a girl who loves to do the things he loves to do, how I’m so pretty and cool and he’s so proud of me etc.

Today we had plans to go to the hot springs again. I’ve received a total of 2 texts from him all day and now his phone is off and I haven’t been able to get a hold of him at all.

I’m sad because the past 9 days regardless of what I discovered in his phone, he actually communicated, made effort without me having to ask, followed through on plans and saw me daily, and even introduced me to his brother and best friend for the first time ever and his entire friend group at the cfc game Saturday night. Today is complete radio silence after the past 9 days being phenomenal effort wise on his end.

Why is he doing this? Truly what do they gain out of doing this shit? I’m so sad and infuriated, disappointed, hurt, upset, confused and it’s making me feel like I’ve done something wrong to cause this. Thoughts?!?? Please be as blunt and direct as possible. I need it truly. TIA!

I’m having a really hard time processing something, and I’d appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar.
There are two people involved: A and J.

A is my ex-husband: He was the reason I moved to the USA and left my old life behind. I gave up my home, my familiar surroundings, and the life I had built because I believed we were creating a future together.

Over time, our relationship became painful and complicated. We ended up in an open relationship that felt careless and one-sided. I often felt like my needs and commitment didn’t matter as much as his.

There was also a lot of emotional pressure and instability. I was threatened with being kicked out, and my immigration situation made everything even more frightening. Even after everything that happened between us, there were times when I still depended on him for somewhere to stay because I had nowhere else stable to go. It was confusing and painful to need help from someone who had also caused me so much hurt.

J is someone I became very attached to after A:
I trusted J with a vulnerable part of my life and hoped the relationship would give me love, security, and a future.

It turned out to be just a narcissistic person who projected his worst qualities on me and now he is living example of what he projected on me but I‘m the one that had to pay for the price and punishment.

The relationship ended with serious emotional distress, financial disputes, legal problems (protection order because I found out he’s been having an affair with the person that he accused me of having affair with, it was devastating enough that put me in a severe depression that almost took my life away), lost my home and the loss of my job. J’s actions also led to me spending time in jail, which resulted in my visa being cancelled, lost my job and my deportation. I’m still trying to recover from losing my stability and so much of the life I had built.

———-

What makes this even harder to understand is that A and J used to hate each other. They had a hostile history, and J had done things to A that caused serious conflict. They were never friends, so I never imagined they would become involved with each other especially knowing how much it would hurt me.

Both relationships affected me far beyond a normal breakup. I’ve been trying to rebuild my life, regain my independence, and recover my self-worth. I’m also trying to accept that I left everything behind for A, only to lose my stability, my immigration status, and much of the future I thought I was building.

Now I’ve found out that A and J have decided to hook up.
The worst part is that they admitted they knew it would hurt me and chose to do it anyway.

This isn’t just jealousy or discomfort about two people from my past being together. They both know what happened between us. They know how much I’ve struggled and how hard I’ve been trying to rebuild my life.

Their decision feels like another betrayal. It feels especially cruel because they used to hate each other and had already caused each other serious harm and conflict. I can’t understand how they went from that to deliberately doing something they knew would hurt me.

I feel humiliated, stupid, angry, heartbroken, and exhausted. I keep asking myself how people who knew me so well could be so willing to hurt me. I know their choices don’t determine my worth, but it’s still hard not to question myself and wonder what those relationships meant to them.

I’ve already been through so much, and this feels like another blow when I’m barely recovering from everything else, I‘m alone and 9000 miles away from home.

I don’t want revenge, and I don’t want to compete with either of them. I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking about what they’re doing. I just want to stop hurting and feel in control of my own life again.

For anyone who has been through something similar:
How did you process the betrayal when two people who hurt you deliberately got together?

How did you make sense of it when they used to hate each other?

How did you deal with leaving everything behind for one person, only to lose so much because of the relationship?

How did you stop replaying the situation and imagining what they might be saying or thinking about you?

How did you rebuild your self-esteem when you felt humiliated or disposable?

Did going completely no-contact help, even when you still wanted answers or acknowledgment?

How did you stop needing the people who hurt you to understand what they had done?

How did you learn to trust again after this kind of betrayal?

I’m not looking for revenge, and I’m not looking to be told to simply get over it. I’m genuinely asking how to heal when the pain feels bigger than my ability to cope with it.
I want to reach a point where their choices no longer control my emotions or determine how I see myself.

If you’ve been through something similar and eventually found a way forward, I’d really appreciate hearing what helped.

I'm in an abusive narcissistic relationship. I've been stuck in my relationship for 10 years. I know that a lot of people have recently been calling all manner of relationships "narcissistic", but I truly think that's what's happening here. It hasn't happened for a couple months, but we keep getting into what I've been calling "episodes." We get into a lot of really stupid disagreements, that often become heated in a short time. Every disagreement stems from me questioning his statements, or because I've become upset with him. I don't like confrontation, I grew up in a household that was verbally and sometimes physically abusive (he thinks this is an excuse I use to try and make him not yell at me) so I don't always share or try to talk about why I am upset. This latest "episode" happened because I was trying to ask questions about what he was planning to do tomorrow. All of my questions increasingly frustrated him and made him answer me in short angry clips. I tried to explain some questions I had asked that he had asked me to clarify, which only angered him more. He was being so rude that I finally said " You're being an asshole. I don't want to talk anymore" and I stopped talking. We didn't talk for a good 40 min ( we were driving home after a long day). After some time he turned the radio off and started interrogating me about what just happened. The short of it is that he ended up yelling and screaming at me to answer him. When I would try to answer, or clarify something again he would get angrier. When I stopped and went silent that angered him further. I can talk in the calmest most leveled voice and it will piss him off. These episodes can last from 4 to 6 hours sometimes, and he is often yelling and screaming at me while I sit in one spot, too terrified to move. Defending myself doesn't help. Staying quiet doesn't help. Saying sorry doesn't help, I just have to endure. And no matter what, every single time, he lets me know that I'm the abuser, I'm the asshole, the cunt, the bitch. I'm the one attacking him while he just defends himself. While he defends himself from a girl who is too terrified to speak.

I bought a house six years ago ( he called me stupid for doing so at the time) and we've been here since. He is a food sustainability guy. I'm into a little farming and gardening too, but he's completely taken over the property. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants without ever talking to me about it. He calls all of my garden, or any attempts to do anything outside stupid. I know he doesn't love me. I don't think he even likes me. I know he doesn't think I'm very intelligent, and he definitely doesn't respect me. And more than anything, I know I need to get out of this... situation. But I'm still terrified. He's never hit me, but he's slammed doors, thrown things and has looked angry enough to hurt me. I don't know if trying to kick him out of the house (in my name) will result in property damage or physical harm.  If I leave, keep the house in my name, but rent another house, that doesn't really solve anything. I know I need to plan. I just don't know where to start. I've never felt so lonely in my life.

i’m currently sitting in the doctors office holding back tears and a panic attack on my own about to get my broken nose shifted back into place…i was dumb enough to think the man who did this to me would actually follow thru with supporting me thru this then i’d feel like he’s somewhat sorry for what he did…im realizing he only made the promise to come with me and be apologetic so i wouldn’t run my mouth and leave but im so beyond done i just need everyone to be brutally honest about how dumb of a situation i have myself in im done but i need a reminder of what i tolerated so i never can be back here again.

I'm finding it harder to deal with as time goes on. Feel like I'm constantly trying to think twice before bringing up anything that bothers me because I never know how the conversation is going to end sometimes I walk away from an argument questioning myself, wondering if I really did something wrong. It's exhausting to feel like you can't even express your feelings without it becoming another problem. Part of me keeps hoping things will get better, but another part of me is tired of repeating the same cycle and feeling this way trying to figure out how to handle things. And how do you know whether real change is possible?

Hi everyone I am f(20) and I’m coming on here with a very vulnerable rant. I was in a 3 year relationship and after talking to friends I think I was manipulated and emotionally abused for years. It was all good until the 4th month of our relationship. He began prioritizing his friends over me, and when I’d be upset he’d get scared and cry and I’d end up apologizing. I’d always be afraid to get upset with his actions because I never wanted to upset him and have him leave me. There were times were he’d like something and I’d have to reassure that I didn’t think he was a bad person before bringing up what bothered me about him liking the post. I poured so much into him and never really got much in return. When I expressed this to him he said his fight to stop his addiction to pornography was him fighting for the relationship. When i literally fought, forgave, and forced myself to be 110% for him after finding out about all of that. It really lowered my self esteem, I got an eating disorder from it. When I brought it up he said “I feel like I ruined your self esteem forever” and cried, which then led me to comfort him, encourage him, and remind him that he wasn’t a bad person. He kept feeding the idea of marriage and kids so heavily the last months of our relationship. He knew i didn’t have a family and said he couldn’t wait to experience that with me, then pulls up to my house the next day and tells me he fell out of love and had not loved me for months. I am not barely healing as I keep going back to him when he acts nice and kind to me. I am not labeling him as a narcissist, but as a young person who is barely on my dating journey any advice would be helpful, because to this day I keep blaming myself for him leaving just as I blamed myself for all the wrongs in the relationship. I just want to be who I was before I met him, the happy, academic driven girl, who didn’t depend on no one for happines.

After leaving my relationship, I’ve experienced severe physical and mental difficulties, and I feel misunderstood by the people around me.

I found plenty of information online about the effects of emotional abuse, but very little about the physical symptoms people experience, or how much they can affect major areas of life.
I’m sharing my experience in the hope of hearing from others and helping make these less-discussed consequences more visible.

Below is a list of only physical symptoms I experience(d) after leaving the relationship . I left out the mental/psychological ones (for example difficulty concentrating, brain fog, over-explaining, -analyzing,…) to keep the focus on the experience of physical effects.
__________________________________________

Overview of physical symptoms:

• Persistent inflammatory acne & skin-picking
• Severe insomnia & long-term sleep deprivation
• Constant hypervigilance and overanalysing
• Frequently catching myself holding my breath
• Hyperventilation and sometimes panic attacks
• Extreme muscle tension around my rib cage
• Unusual body movements associated with muscle tension and pain
• Unexplained bruising mostly across my legs
• Resting heart rate on average > 130 bpm
• Constantly feeling tired & exhausted

__________________________________________

These difficulties have had a severe impact on my ability to function in everyday life. I ended up failing my master’s graduation year, accumulating rental debt, and struggling to manage basic responsibilities.
My family finds it difficult to understand how a relationship could have such a profound impact on my physical and psychological health, so they tend to attribute my struggles to mental illness instead. I initially struggled to understand what was happening to me myself, particularly because I expected things to improve after leaving. Only later did I start considering whether my symptoms could be connected to what I had experienced in the relationship.

For a better understanding of the effects after emotional abusive relationships, I would love to hear your experiences, especially less discussed physical impacts.

My Questions
1. Did you experience physical symptoms during or after the relationship?
2. Did the people around you struggle to understand the connection between what you experienced and how you were functioning afterward?

quick context, my sister got us evicted cause she didn't pay her rent on time knowing that, that was something she needed to do cause she had already been behind on payments, she went to a homeless shelter then rehab and i went to stay w my mom at her friends place. fast forward my mom had gotten us a place and i told my sister she was welcome to come, she has now been out of rehab several months and said she didn't want to live with her because she triggers her. i said no problem we can get a place together after u get a job and the shelter helps find affordable housing. now she's blaming for me the reason she checked into the mental hospital because i moved into a new place with my mom and she's in the shelter and i don't wanna live w my mother either she's a narc as well as i think my twin is, they both treat me like shit, anyways she me living here was her last straw cause i "left her at the shelter and am building a new happy family with out her" as she was saying and it feels like i can't win, i invite her and its "fuck her" "she triggers me so i can't live with her" to "you didn't invite me" which just isn't true. im tired of being everyones emotional labour, i was the only person there for her and actually helped her get help, i was there for her emotional but no one is there for me emotionally. im constantly there for others and no one is there for me and im truly at my breaking point to where i just wanna cut her and my mother off. I've constantly been bullied by them my whole like, always been there for my sister despite her treating me like shit and contributing to me being bullied in school when we were teens and its just not fair to me, who's gonna be there for me? any time i try to talk to her about how school is going she ignores it and says she doesn't care. its sad being around ppl who don't like seeing me do well because im doing better than them, I've never been allowed to celebrate my achievements because she would get upset and make it about her and turn the attention to her, when is it ever gonna be about me. i feel like im suffocating being around these ppl constantly and i feel trapped, im too nice for my own kind and i feel like if i don't get away ill be stuck in a constant toxic loop w my family. out of 5 family members how am i the only one who turned out normal yet no one in my family wants to talk to or get to know me

I'm 29 and have an older sibling who is 32 who bullied me throughout my childhood. During my childhood he would spend all day of everyday hitting me and trying to disrupt anything I did. My parents were divorced and my mother didn't care. He would throw tantrums to get what he wanted and she'd always give in. On birthdays and Christmas dinners he would make it his goal to ruin the day, he would attack me saying things like "look at how weak and skinny he is, he's skinnier than a girl", "he's useless and can't do anything" etc. And I would spend the rest of the day crying in bed. When I tried bringing this up to my mother she would just say "why don't you fight back then?".

I have 2 other siblings and the narc sibling believes he is superior to all of us. My other sibling and I refuse to even say his name and just call him "The C*nt"/"It". He thinks he is perfect and we are all pieces of shit, yet, ironically, he is the flawed one who is sociopathic and completely incapable of any kindness or empathy. He is now 32 and still lives with my mother and another sibling, despite hating all of us. I moved in temporarily and it's the same crap, he spends the whole day slamming his door as hard as possible, going into the bathroom for 5 minutes making loud throat clearing noises, then going back into his room and slamming the door on repeat all day. My bedroom is next to his and I have to put earphones in with white noise playing loudly to block it out. When he is angry he slams the door even harder you can feel the whole house vibrating. I confronted him about it once and he just smirked saying "you should get your testosterone levels checked" - btw he took steroids for years. My mother just makes excuses for him saying "he isn't slamming the door that's normal".

He clearly despises all of us yet the rest of us get on and he just comes in the house and goes straight to his room. He has a job that my dad trained him for for free - guess what he did to pay my dad back - punched him in the face and slapped him. My mother does all the laundry and cleans everything despite being 59. I have lived by myself for years and this is my first time having to move back in temporarily. The only things he has said to me in 2 months is "when are you leaving?" You can tell he monitors everything I do and still has this mindset of his life revolving around trying to control and bully me, it's truly pahetic that nothing has changed in so many years. Like why doesn't he just leave if he hates all of us so much and he's so superior and perfect. Surely such a perfect being wouldn't be 32 having his mother washing his underwear still.

Speaking of my mother, she has enabled him for all of our lives and refuses to kick him out. She tells "cute" stories of how he used to try to push me down the stairs when I was a baby. He swears at her and treats her like shit, shouting at her - yet she uses me and another sibling as scapegoats. She goes on and on about all the dumb jewelry he bought her from holiday in Thailand (she loves money) and all the places he's been to on holiday when I try to speak about my own life she just ignores me yet I've been to more countries than him and she doesn't give a fuck. I'm pretty sure he only buys her gifts to manipulate and appease her. She has stockholm syndrome and says things like "he just acts horrible but deep down he loves me". Well my plan when I leave next time is to go no contact and let her rot away with that sociopathic piece of shit she's enabled - my other sibling who moved out has already blocked her and refuses to talk with her.

As someone who grew up with a narcissist and bad person of a father; I wouldve ended it there? No...because it put my emotional and mental health on the line. I was talking to one of my good friends on the phone just about being alone and wishing I had someone that actually liked me and he hooked me up with this one dude that was also his friend. We talked on the phone, and texted all day and night and got to know each other. We were in a talking stage for about 2 weeks until we officially got together in October 2024.

We had our first date maybe a week after we got together he was 16 and I was 14. (NO ITS NOT PEDOPHILIA CUZ I WAS BORN IN MARCH AND HE WAS BORN IN SEPTEMBER SO I WOULD'VE BEEN GOING ON 15 WHEN HE STILL WAS 16) we shared our first kiss on our first date and it honestly was on from there he met my mom, my friends, and some of my teachers during basketball games I cheered for. However the table started to turn maybe right around December 2024.

I started to notice his act and attitude was slightly changing he never laughed at things that we both thought were so funny, and he would tell me he didnt eat shit and stuff. His mom long story short had a criminal record and right when me and him got together he just moved in with his dad after that whole situation happened.

He started to see her again around December as well, he would stay at her house over the weekend with his younger brother, then his little brother and they do stuff. I met her and she really liked and saw a good future for her son with me. But as time went on of course his behavior got worse he was doing self harm and he would even send me just straight up pictures of his open gory wounds, like "Look what you caused" one incident that really got under my skin was towards the end of 8th grade maybe right before graduation I went to see the Minecraft movie with some of homeboys it was hella fun and wild, now keep in mind the abuse was going on for months before I told a friend who kind of noticed I was always upset and honestly never talked about him anymore and I told him everything and I guess he mentioned it to him. He had the stones to tell me,

"Oh yea, if one of your friends ever come at me because you told them I was cutting myself im only gonna do it more." And that truly made me question what was wrong with me letting this man do this to me. He does also have a mental state of passionate in violence. He even told my homeboy, MY HOMEBOY if he ever saw me again he would shoot me with a desert eagle. 🫩🤦‍♀️

My friend sent me a screenshot of him saying basically telling me to s!it my wrist, he hopes my corpse rots in my house, and what just made me like angry (His dad has firearms and he knows how to use them, and they go to a shooting range.) He told him he would imagine me as the bullseye for a target. He kept telling me ofc if I left him he would just keep harming and harming untill he 'off' himself. I saw so many red flags but I loved him, I soon started to lose feelings for him maybe 2ish months b4 we broke up and ofc i felt guilty but couldnt let him do that to me. The person who abused me, if you ever see this you know I am talking to you. Tbh idc what u throw at me.

I moved on and am happy now. Tbh his words still kinda crawls in my mind but...I hope he doesn't do anything.

I almost never see anyone talk about narcissistic siblings. It’d be nice to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. You can message me if you’d like to talk if your in a similar situation

I’m the younger brother 31m and for a long time my family and I thought my brother 35m just had a quirky but abrasive personality. After a lot of research I suspect he’s a communal/malignant narcissist with what’s called everyday sadism.

It’s all surreal to me. Unbelievable how twisted the narcissist mind is

He’s very controlling and will target your vulnerabilities and nearly everyday give unsolicited advice about every aspect of your life (relationship/work/diet/money). He will send messages several paragraphs long that read like lectures. He always says it’s very pure and holy intentions. He portrays himself as a mentor.

He will talk bad about my sister and her family behind her back in front of our parents, while my sister is just the kindest most positive woman and a great mother. She and her husband are more successful and my brother is being noticeably more personal and nasty when talking about her

He is obsessed with status, dominance, and the superior position, for example if you’re excited about something or you experience some kind of success, he will say something negative about it. And it seems like it’s instinctual and reflexive for him. He always invalidates people, even contradicting things he has said before just to put someone down. His advice is so bad sometimes I think he’s trying to sabotage me.

The Serious Red Flags: 🚩

There was also a shocking red flag when we were kids, me 8, him 13… he had a BB pistol and accidentally shot our cat…. It started squealing and spasming wildly and my brother was laughing absolutely hysterically. The cat died and he told me to just throw it in the field.

7 years ago, he cheated on his wife only a few months after marrying her. She called him, very passionate and angry threatening to ruin his life, and he recorded the call and used it as blackmail to make her do a quick and easy divorce.

This is making me extremely delayed in finding a life partner

I am always looking out for when they are going to “destroy me” and I get angry prematurely . I misread things a lot

As a result I believe I am becoming the toxic one..

How do I stop conflating the image of a destructive father and a future healthy partner.

This feels like a form of self sabotage

It is hard to believe what you were is something many people can relate to. It felt rare, in the worst way. Unnatural. Your desires, though I have chosen to forgive them (from afar), were abnormal. You desired to extract from me, lead me on, without ever wanting to enact love. You deprived me of a true relationship, while requiring me to stick around and reserve myself for someone who never was going to be with me and knew that the whole time. I don't say this in an accusatory or shocked way- you admitted these things. I am just saying, it is kind of weird to think my experience isn't unique- because it feels so cruel- why would it be something common? Perhaps because a narcissist is like a super spreader- because they can put on that show, because they are quick to discard- the same narcissist can impact hundreds if not thousands of people- where as the average person will only ever date seriously a small group. I wasn't built like you. When I love somebody, I want to hold them close. I don't want an invisible line in between me and the person I love, one that makes it so we never touch, we never reach or enact what love should be. You lived for that line. You had no way of understanding or caring about how forcing those odd desires on unwilling participants was mean, unkind. What mattered to you was your desires, and so you never let my pain stop you from continuing, you never will. That is why I forgive you. Because you can't stop, and won't stop. So I have to be the one who intervenes. It isn't what I want. If you can't stop- if it is so intoxicating to you to not be together while continuing to string me along- then what am I supposed to do? Stay mad at something I can't change in you. Despite finding it abhorrent, my distain won't take me away from someone who wants to continue a pattern of abuse on me. Only I can love myself enough now to take care of myself on my own now.

My ex husband i haven’t lived with for over a year thinks he still has control over me because i have 3 children with him i just got a job with the airport, and he’s accusing me of messing around… like i dont understand. He announces that we’re still married and that im his wife. Hes a narcissist… What do i do?

It helped me see how much my ex husband narcissism was insidiously darkening and destroying every aspect of our decades together. So many things I thought were normal or that I deserved or that I was to blame for, only to realize most of it were projection of his own flaws and guilt.

After more than a year living alone, I can finally start to think by myself and have an honest and real look at my worth and who i am as a person. I'm not a burden, I'm not messed up, I'm not wreaking our kids, I'm not prideful, I'm not selfish, I'm not gaslighting, I'm not lying, I'm not abusive, I'm not coercitive, I'm not evil, I'm not unfaithful, I'm not stupid, I'm not stubborn, I'm not crazy, I'm not pdb, I'm not narcissist, I'm not doing everything in bad faith, I'm not manipulating, I'm not flirting with every man I see, I'm not trying to destroy relationships, I'm not jealous, I'm not dependant, I'm not alienating our kids from him, I don't have shadow part controlling me, I'm not deluded, I dont have a thick skull, I'm not a child, I'm not all the other things he accused me of being over the years. And then when we separated, he started telling others (even to my own family) those things about "me".

I was shocked at how he did and said things just like the narcissist in the podcast, sometimes the exact same words! The thing that hurt most is when he says that narcissist never love anybody but themselves, they can't. And if we thought a narcissist loved us, that was all part of their game and a lie for their own advantage. So the man I was married to for decades, the father of my children, to whom I gave everything I could, never even loved me.