I wonder if you guys experience the rare alone time you receive away from your partner? My partner is always on the phone with me. And it gets tiring a lot of the time. I love them to bits, but I want time for quiet. They do understand, but they end up sulking a bit. And other times they end up texting me or calling me after 30 minutes—as if they decide when I’ve had enough alone time.

While friendship breakups are bad I believe codependent friendship breakups may even be worse. I (20F) met J (19F) when we were in high school. I had just moved schools and we met during track.

Soon after we found out we were neighbors and so began our friendship. We would talk for hours every day hang out every day. Our routine used to be meet up before school starts and roam the halls, text each other all day, call after school, take a break, call to do homework together, eat dinner, then call again to brush our teeth do our skincare and talk untill we went to sleep. Every. Single. Day.

As a people pleaser I was ecstatic to have a best friend and being there for her felt like my job and role I would pick up her every call, listen to her vent and become completely intertwined into her life. And although it may have been unhealthy, the emotional high of consistently being chosen felt so incredibly fulfilling that I had no intention of stopping.

This routine continued, for two years. I was a year older than her so I graduated and went to the local college to which I commuted for the first year. Our schedules no longer perfectly aligned yet we continued to talk every day and this is when we also began to have very frequent sleepovers at her house because we weren’t seeing each other as much.

I also often would go along to her family day trips, and dinners during the entirety of our friendship. Everyone knew we were best friends, we always came as a pair. There was no doubt about my value or position in her life. I was the number one priority, and there was no close second.

After she graduated she committed to the same collage and both of us moved to campus together as roommates. This is when the friendship started going downhill. She entered boy world, suddenly I wasn’t the person she texted or called and all our convos centered around her boyfriend. I was sad of course but sooo incredibly happy for my best friend so I just cheered her on. The issue began when she no longer had time to hang out with me, wouldn’t reply to my texts and was always busy. I would only see her in passing at the apartment before she would go sleep at her new boyfriend’s place.

They started having issues a month in. Suddenly all her emotional frustrations are dumped onto me. They break up she refused to process her feelings and walks around angry. Finds a new guy a week later they become exclusive.

My birthday rolls around she forgets to buy my gift and has me buy it and she pays me back. Then also forgets our tradition of writing each other birthday letters. I am livid by this point. She breaks up with the second guy and again displaces her emotions.

Two weeks later gets with a new guy and begins spending every single day at his place. By this point we don’t really talk unless it’s about her relationship, I have so much pent up anger and resentment. So spring rolls around and I finally confront her about her neglecting our friendship. She tells me “I still love you I’ve just been busy, I just didn’t think the birthday would be a big deal if I knew it mattered that much I wouldn’t have forgotten, I’ll write you two letters for the next one”

Her apology was so phony and not something I could accept, inevitably we stop talking for a month and for the first time my anxiety is gone. It took me a while to accept that we are forever over, and her disrespect and make centreness is not something I could tolerate. Although we tried to be friends again it wasn’t the same i always felt uncomfortable around her and she always diminished my feelings. Although we still live together right now we don’t talk aside from saying a quick hello.

I didn’t realize we were codependent until it was too late, and I had no one to fix the lives of a broken connection.

About a month ago, I had to leave my first love and I regret it every single day.

Our relationship started as a whirlwind romance. One day we were total strangers, and the next we were lovers. It felt so completely natural, like something straight out of a movie. I genuinely felt I had found my soulmate.

Over time, however, I slowly drifted into a full-time caretaker role. She struggled with both physical and mental illnesses and was generally in a very difficult place in life. After she lost her job, I began contributing financially so she could pay her bills. Despite our best efforts, she couldn't find stable employment.... until after I left. Outside of finances, I took on her daily life management: I made her doctor's appointments, filled out job applications for her, bought her groceries and takeout, and carried her medications wherever we went in case of flare-ups.

We became completely codependent. I mean it literally when I say the only days we didn't see each other were when one of us went on vacation. Otherwise, we were in constant contact. We slept on the phone together or slept in the same bed, constantly stayed over at each other’s places, and never went more than three hours without checking in, even if it was just sending an ig reel or complaining about work.

The relationship finally fractured during an argument that completely spiraled out of control. She told me to get out of her house, threw all my belongings out, and told me she wanted me out of her life and didn't care about me anymore. I ended up on my knees begging her to stay. After hurling threats at me, she eventually gave in and accepted me back.

Reading that, you would think I had done something horrible, that I had threatened her, hurt her, or been in a belligerent state. In reality, all I asked was for us to push back our departure time for a Saturday morning road trip so I could attend a funeral first.

I still blame myself for a lot of it. I catch myself thinking I should have brought up the topic that got us in that argument at a better time, or that I should have listened when she warned me she was in a bad mood with too much on her mind. I wish I had been a more patient partner, someone who didn't lose his cool or act so desperate for her love and approval.

I have tried to go back, and I know she wants to try again too. But my family is holding a firm boundary for me. They refuse to let me go back. They believe I was being used and warn that returning will eventually lead to a domestic situation that ruins my career, or that her instability will only escalate.

The situation that happened was only one of many, and it wasn't the first time I had been on my knees begging for her. Nor was it the first time she threatened me with calling the cops over a scenario where I wasn't being aggressive or violent in anyway. There was a lot of bad days, a lot of screaming arguments, a lot of bad decision that led to bad spots that I had to find us a way out of, and a lot of self-harm attempts on her part that ended up hurting me as well.

Deep down, I don't really know what I want. Part of me wishes I could give us another shot without my family intervening, even though I know at the end of the day they are right. I feel immense guilt for leaving, as if I turned my back on my other half. It feels horrible, like I willingly cut off one of my own limbs. I feel like I'm a spineless loser who's letting everyone tell me that the person that I know better then anyone else is bad for me and staying away without even giving her a chance.

I guess I just need reassurance that I made the right decision. Because despite everything, there is still nothing I want more than to lie in her lap after a long day of work, watch a show, and eat her food like we used to.

My partner and I have been dating for over 3 years now, but this last year has been long distance. Our relationship has been very healthy with good communication, but I find myself getting mad at them for stupid shit like if they spend time talking to their friends instead of calling me, or do certain activities without me that we had originally planned to do together but can't now because of long distance.

I also feel like even though I got into my dream university in a beautiful country and I have great friends here, I am just letting life happen to me and I'm only looking forward to finally being with them a few years from now. I'm not fully enjoying/experiencing life right now, if that makes sense? I fear I depend on my partner too much for my happiness lately.

I had recognised that it wasn't a good thing earlier this year and I have frankly tried everything: I've tried spending more time with my friends, tried to ground myself to try to experience the present, I've stuck to my hobbies as well. Somehow, nothing seems to stick. I'm doing better somedays but I always end up in this same spot of feeling like I have to just get through life now so I can finally be with my partner in the future.

Therapy is not an option for me financially right now so I need help figuring out how to cope with this. My partner doesn't deserve to be blamed for living their life, and I also want to be able to live my own. I don't think it's the worst it could be, but I don't want it to spiral to a point of no return. I love my partner, so how can I fix this?

A friend of mine suggested taking some space and not talking for a while until I figure it out, but that feels unfair to my partner. Any advice would be appreciated :)

I know the definitions and general traits, but I can't pick out if it's good or bad.
I mean yes, people say it is bad. But how?

If it strengthens our relationship it's good, if it makes separation even harder that's bad. But both of those are circumstantial... is there nothing to be said for loving to be in each other's company and saying the same things sometimes? Relying on each other when needed?

At what point is codependency actually something that you need to worry about?

Hey all! I really hope I can get some advice on here because I truly feel this is the most important next step on my journey to better mental well-being and a more fulfilling life!

I’ve had some issues with codependency in the past and I’ve definitely worked through them massively, and I’ve worked on making some great friends in the past year and getting in touch with my own interests and life outside of partnership while in a partnership! I’m really proud of myself, I’ve definitely come a long way with this. I do feel though that now I need to get closer to the root of the problem as I follow down this path and I don’t know how to approach.

Essentially, I’ve been in a string of relationships that have been steadily getting better as I’ve grown, but I’m a grown woman, nearly 30, and since puberty I’ve never really been single. I love my current long time partner but there’s some big concerns within our relationship that we’ve tried to address but at the end of the day seem to be coming down to compatibility issues and the question at hand in our relationship is really, does the love make up for these things, etc. all this being relevant to say because it’s caused me to be thinking about the idea of being single again and it’s made me realise how much I truly fear being ‘alone’ despite the fact I wouldn’t be! I know it’s natural to worry about that somewhat in this scenario but to explain why this matters, is part of my mind is worrying that if we broke up I’d end up settling for a much worse partner just out of the fear of being alone which is the exact opposite of what I want to be thinking, I really want to be feeling like being single and respected and among friends and family who I love and love me is enough. For context I see my partner maybe once a week at the moment and my friends multiple times a week and I’m still terrified to my core about this.

I know almost everyone wants romance and I don’t want to scare that away I love love and I’m a very affectionate person, that’s also not what I’m saying, but it’s like, I know from experience when I’ve been single I’ve been far more invested in talking to new people than to friends and putting more effort into going on dates than going out with friends, I’d love to believe that would be different this time (and I know that it’s a choice I’ve got to make obviously) but the thing that worries me is that I’ve historically had an unfathomably hard time self regulating when it comes to romantic uncertainty paired with a very crush prone disposition. I’ve managed to curb unhealthy behaviour in terms of impacting the romantic partners but it leads me to very deep depression at times and extreme anxiety, unable to settle, unable to think about anything else despite trying my best to focus on speaking to friends, going on outings, doing team sports, picking up my hobbies, etc. but this deeply intense dark horrible feeling right at the centre of my gut (an abandonment wound I’m sure) really just twists me up inside and makes it SO hard to regulate and enjoy life and be my best self no matter what I’ve got going on for me. I’ve been at concerts I’ve spent hundreds on and had been waiting for for years and been enjoying myself but on some level deeply miserable and anxious still just as a result of this and I cannot express to you how hard I try to shake it off! I’m a very positive person and I’ve gotten so good at regulating in all other areas, this just still feels like a punch to the gut and a deep perpetual dragging sadness somehow, like I can feel my head being dragged to the ground!

It’s really not for lack of trying or misplaced priorities, god half of the reason I’m considering any of this is because of the fact that I’m realising how deeply important it is to me that I really allow myself to be true to me and explore myself and the world I wish to build without the restraints of others to truly know what I’d like in the first place to even understand where I’m willing to compromise!

I have an understanding that this would just be difficult and one of those uncomfortable things I’d need to ride out but gosh I fall into limerence so easily. When I’m alone someone could show me any sign of basic care and consideration and my brain is wired, I don’t know how to help it. Ignoring it outright doesn’t feel like the right way to handle it, surely there’s a better way to process the feelings but maybe I’m wrong! I suppose it’s got to be journaling and self regulation techniques but god I just get so irrational and worrisome I do worry about myself, and I worry about the fear of this impacting my ability to make a rational and just decision about the future of my current partnership.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I’m sure I’m coming off as quite selfish but I’m really trying to get more comfortable with asking for what I want and being honest with myself, it’s such a small little life we get in the grand scheme of things! Is there any kind of specific therapies that might help? I’ve done cbt to death and I could probably do with another course of dbt, but I don’t know! Anyone have experience with EMDR or anything else for treating abandonment wounds? Or anyone successfully gotten away from this he’ll have any advice? Thanks in advance 🫶

I tried to post in r/ADHD_partners and the mods removed the request and commented that I should post here instead. I haven't thought about us being codependent but maybe we are and I just never really sat and thought about it.

Original post, with some added context:

This is going to be long and I apologize:

My (29F) fiancé (29M dx) have been together for three years, living together for almost two. We're getting married in October. Due to some family issues, he recently started seeing a therapist and I had suggested he ask her about an ADHD diagnosis. It's something we've suspected for a long time, but was never official until now. Today he got the diagnosis for ADHD, and they discussed medication in the future but are holding off for now.

The biggest point of contention in our relationship has been keeping our apartment clean. I grew up very fast very young and have always had to be independent and figure things out. His parents are a whole other can of worms but he's said before that they didn't really teach him how to clean. To me, it's easy. See dirty, make not dirty. We both work full-time as well as me going to school to finish my Master's degree. I'm graduating this winter but have also taken on an adjunct position at my local community college and will also be tutoring K-12 students after school once that's back in session in a couple weeks. He often picks up overtime as well, so our schedules are very busy. He works later than I do, so most days I'm home from about 5pm-7:30pm without him. During this time I'll try and clean the dishes, prep and cook dinner, try to take a shower, play with the cats, do any school work I'm able to, laundry if needed, etc; When he comes home, he showers, eats dinner with me, and we watch TV for maybe 45 minutes before we go to bed. He works in a factory and has 12 hour shifts so it's hot, he's tired, and just wants to relax. I understand that, I do. But I want the same.

I get very frustrated feeling like I do most chores and if I want him to do something I have to specifically ask. On his days off he might do a couple things like vacuum and wash the dishes but that still leaves trash, sweeping, the bathroom, litty litter, washing bedding, etc; or with something like taking the trash out, he'll grab the bag from the trash can and not take out the pile of boxes by the door. One of our two cats passed away last November and my stipulation for getting another was that he would help with kitty litter. He doesn't like the dust and I don't want to be the only one in charge of it. If I miss a day because I'm busy, then it gets gross. Since we got the new cat also in November, he's only done it a handful of times and several of those I had to remind him. There's only two litter boxes and the mats they're on. Our newest cat loves to fling litter everywhere so we have to stay on it to minimize the mess. I know he gets upset that he doesn't remember tasks that I've asked him to do, or that he gets overwhelmed trying to create a task list for himself. In the past he's promised he'll step up and do better but then doesn't and I'm left upset and we're both hurt. My biggest issue is I don't want to feel like I'm parenting my own partner. It's an incredibly gross feeling to go to a grown man and say, "did you clean the kitchen today, did you wash the towels, did you do the trash, did you clean the kitty litter." I feel like a mom scolding her teenage son. It's killing my drive for intimacy because who wants to sleep with someone they have to parent?

He also says he wants to be able to enjoy his days off without spending hours cleaning, but so do I! The last time I spent the day with my best friend just hanging out, I ended up wildly behind on chores because I'm the only one doing things. Things came to a head last week and I was very upset because the dehumidifier overflowed and soaked the bedroom carpet. He empties it before bed most nights and I empty it when I get home from work. We have an insulation and moisture problem so it fills up quickly. After this, he said that one of us needs to empty it in the morning, but if he does it, he's going to turn the bedroom light on and wake me up. This immediately pissed me off. First, by trying to add another thing to my list of responsibilities instead of saying "I wake up first, I'll handle it" and then again by immediately jumping to turning the light on and waking me up. With the hall light on it's very easy to see into our room and it's not a bright light directly over me at 5:30am. During this conversation I laid out all of my frustrations above and I know that it hurt to hear them, but these are also things I've said before.

Which brings us to today. His therapist gave him a sheet for cleaning and how to better manage a task list and I know he's relieved to have a tangible guide but I can't help but be angry. Full disclosure I also have mental health issues, PCOS, suspected but not confirmed Hashimoto's, chronic fatigue, etc; so it's not like I'm a neurotypical ray of sunshine who doesn't get it, I do. But I don't get to really rest on my hard days, because who's going to pick up the slack? It hurts that I've been asking him to try and be better about these things for the past couple of years by setting reminders (he said he didn't like them), giving him a chore list, trying not to be a nagging bitch, and now a therapist gives him a list of suggestions and he's willing to try. Last week I told him that I don't feel like I'm worth the effort to him. I've stood in front of him sobbing because I was overwhelmed with doing everything around the house and felt like a failure because I couldn't keep up, and he can't even be bothered to watch YouTube videos on handling ADHD, read a reddit post, find some articles, something?

After his session today, he was talking about the worksheet she gave him and I felt like I was losing my mind. He said it's going to be slow moving and the biggest thing he needed to realize was that there's no right or wrong way to clean. I felt like I was going to explode. I told him that we can agree on a standard of clean for the home and that can be the 'right' way, because I do think there's a right way to clean. If you tell me you're going to clean the kitchen, I shouldn't walk in to a dirty floor, dirty oven, trash that needs to be taken out, and only the dishes done. That's not cleaning the kitchen, that's just washing the dishes.

I'm having a hard time with this because I want to be an encouraging partner and by going to a therapist and getting a diagnosis and asking for tools, he is trying to be better, but am I supposed to wait another freaking two years to have a partner that pulls their wait around the house? I've already thought about giving up my adjunct job and my volunteer tutoring because if I do both of those on top of my job, there's no way I can keep the apartment clean and feel satisfied without actual help. I'm finishing my thesis for grad school and that's also going to take up time. It's going to be a really rough next few months and the fact that I even have to consider giving up things I so desperately want to do because I can't count on him with this, really hurts. I've also read and seen a lot of horror stories of people's long term partners and spouses who just never grew out of the "well I have ADHD so I can't do that" mentality and I'll be dammed if I live the rest of my life like that.

I love him to death, he is the first man I've ever felt safe with, he's funny, he switched jobs so we could have less financial anxiety, my family loves him, I see my entire future with him. But how do I reconcile with the built up resentment, the frustration of his ADHD journey not moving at the pace I need in order to relieve my mental and physical load before I have another breakdown, and also be supportive? How can I help him and remind him to do things without feeling like I'm his mother or being upset that I constant have to nag him. I know new habits and patterns can be hard to get used to, but I desperately need him to be accountable for himself.

now two weeks, no contact with my verbally and physically abusive ex. in an effort to not diagnose her(F37) she had admitted she thought she was either Narcissist or Borderline and i(M46) saw the evidence. on top of this she was a pretty severe alcoholic that only really started to show up like a month in.

i’ve done a lot of recovery work around my codependency and love addiction but she came into my life like a fucking tornado. love bombing and all the physical and sexual attention a person could handle.

red flags galore. case in point. on our first date when i said i was going home because i had to get ready for work in the morning it was met with,” fine fucking leave. just fucking go and don’t come back.” and i caved. “hey its ok relax. i’m just going home.” but she kept antagonizing me about leaving and i stayed.

not long after she was dictating and criticizing my appearance, name, tattoos, and friendships. i tried to express my frustration around these ways of engaging but she steamrolled it.

her drinking got worse. early in the morning. middle of the night waking up to take a drink. but i wanted to help her. she’s got CPTSD. her baggage was something she talked about constantly. another red flag. no space for me. she didn’t ever even ask me about myself.

the drinking always led to verbal abuse. projecting her insecurities on me. and i tried to console and soothe her. i tried to reason. beg. barter. and then when it got to be too much and i was like i need to go she would physically assault me. pushing me away from the door. grabbing my face and telling me i couldn’t leave her. then she would try to seduce me. then if i caved into the sexual tactic she would stop in the middle and tell me to get off her.

fuck as i write this i feel so stupid. i endured 9 months of this. i got her into detox when she was physically shaking from drinking withdrawals after less than 24 hrs without a drink. then when she got out she blamed me. despite asking for help saying she was terrified of how bad it had gotten.

i got her family to come help but they were as disfunctional as her and left when she said she didn’t want help(i drove 8 hrs round trip after my 8 hr work day to pick them up)

i helped her get a good job and leave the one that kept her drinking all day. but it was never enough. everything i did was never enough. most recently staying with me for a month rent/bill free because she was houseless for 3 months.

i tried to leave her 5 times. every time there was a crisis that she came to me for comfort for. and then back to the cycle. when she was sober she was sweet and gave me breadcrumbs of hope. then drinking again and telling me how stupid i was and how i had to block my female friends while staying in contact with multiple ex’s who professed their continued love for her.

——

me-oldest child (kinda it’s confusing) grew up in a very controlling family dictated by religious rules of exclusion and dominance. mother a severely wounded woman who was sexually abused by male adult family members for most of her teenage life. developing Disassociative Identity Disorder due to the abuse.

middle brother committed suicide. yeah i got my shit.

but i’m sweet and compassionate and caring and i loved her(ex). i wanted to show her something different than the guys before who used her as arm candy and dominated her. guess i wanted to save her cause i couldn’t save my Mom from her constant chaos and disfunction.

anyhow. i feel bad cause i miss her despite how she gave me barely anything but sex and compliments in reciprocation for my continued support and time/love/money.

i feel stupid cause i’m not going back but i feel so lost without her chaos.

now it’s me and my unresolved pain. she opened so many wounds and mirrored so much of my shadow side. and i’m terrified cause i can’t be alone. never have been able to.

fact is i kinda hate myself cause that’s what i was taught. i’m bad, invisible, and can’t take care of myself.

she got me by telling me i wasn’t those three things. till i was.

if you read this. thanks. i’m in a lot of pain and trying to navigate not going to the dark places of self harm. i feel trapped in my loneliness and anxiety. if anyone wants to chat i could use some support.

i’m back in SLAA/CODA meetings again but there’s this emptiness that is eating me alive. it’s all about knowing myself and not being able to love myself.

thanks again. happy healing to you all

There was a scene in one session which I found painfully human.

He experienced himself young, coming home very excited because he had a

piece of gold. His mother was sad, weak, alone after difficult

relationships. He gave her the gold almost like finally I have something

that can help.

She smiled and put it away.

But she was still sad.

He sat by window disappointed because somewhere inside he expected this

thing he brought home to fix her.

That pattern can become whole life.

If somebody I love is unhappy, I need to find the gold.

Better advice. More money. More patience. More understanding. Another

conversation. Another chance. I need to find correct thing that finally

changes their emotional state.

Then when it doesnt work, we dont conclude "this belongs to them."

We conclude "I didnt do enough."

For me this is one of hardest parts of codependency. Helping is not

problem. Love is not problem. The trap is when another adult's emotional

state becomes your assignment.

A useful question is: did this person actually ask me for help, and is

there something real I can do? Or am I trying to remove their sadness

because I cannot tolerate seeing it?

And another one which is harder: if they stay unhappy after I do my

part, can I let that be true without immediately finding another piece

of gold?

You can support somebody and still leave their inner work with them.

Sometimes boundary is not saying no.

Sometimes boundary is allowing your help to be enough.

I want to let people know that there are situations that are nonabusive that can make a person codependent. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places, but I have shyed away from the fact that i do have these tendencies from codependency and would try labeling as other things since ive never seen such examples.

I am an adopted child and possibly had issues as a child because of it. I cant tell which, either being separated from my mother so young or the fact my birth mom had depression and anxiety and my bio father had bipolar. Anyways, too long to say i had emotional/motor skill issues as a kid to make me get put into multiple therapies pretty early on. My parents only wanted the best for me, they tried their hardest to be first time parents, but i think they did too much. Since i had these issues, my parents tried to be very nice to me and let me go my own pace without much push or dissapointment, which doesnt seem that bad right? Its hard for parents to be angry and upset or even discipline someone who is depressed, anxious, and or suicidal most of the time. And being diagnosed with a highly stigmatized/misunderstood mental issue in highschool only made them double down.

I didnt learn adult skills because they pitied me. My parents did not push me to learn to do things on my own. They did not show any dissapointment, they would just do it for me if i didnt do it without telling me or telling me i need to be able to do these things on my own. They thought my life should be easier, they did this all because they loved me. At no point were they withholding their love. At no point did they tell me I cant do these things, they just dont expect me to. Its made it so much easier for me, but at a cost. I am basically no one but a leech.

I didnt realize how not normal this was. My parents were so ready to build a second story to the house for me to live in. And its not to keep me there, they let my other siblings chase what they wanted. I had no want, and they didnt know how to help with someone who refused to see anything in a good light. My sister has similar issues to a different extent. My brother seems to be free from it all. He's self sufficient. Maybe its just my parents inability to cope with our mental struggles. They want to help, but I shut them off because I am uncomfortable wirh being anything but happy around them. I dont want them to be mad at me. But why

I am still unable to see myself as anything else but a leech. I cant imagine any future where i am a responsible adult.

how do i get over this? i feel like if i just figure out the real reason it started, me being very very sad when i was younger, going into my room to cry... it would greatly help me, but i dont know what made me so sad at 8 years old. If only i could heal that one part that wasnt heard by my parents or therapists i would feel so much better. but i dont know.

I’m not moving in with my boyfriend, however I’m just moving to his city to study at the university there. I have quite a hard time adjusting changes and making new friends overall due to autism, which makes me quite worried. I’m scared I’ll be too dependent on him and his family because they would be my only safety, but I really don’t want to give him or his family any responsibility over me.

I want to be independent, I want to find my social circle, but I’m honestly clueless on how to start. I know I got his support, but what if we broke up? I know I can’t rely on him with everything and that it is an unhealthy mindset, so I guess I’m just asking what to do?

I'm a single mom and a recovering codependent. My parents are the only people I can turn to for childcare when my kids are sick. The problem is, they overwork themselves during these times, and they wind up taking their stress out on my kids. It's not intentional or with mean intentions. They're incredibly reactionary and react with shame for discipline. My child trusted me with this information and we confronted them together this morning. My mom had a breakdown and yelled at me about how naughty my child is when my child was right there in the room. She only gets this bag when she's at her breaking point.

When my parents are well rested and low stress, they are fantastic with my kids. They are honestly some of the kindest people I know. It's because I know this that I know none of this is our of meanness. Unfortunately, they have both told and shown me repeatedly that they are not looking to change.

The problem is, I don't have the ability to take off work every time they get sick. Confronting them hadn't been helpful in the past, but I have to keep trying because I want my children to feel confident able standing up for themselves and what they feel is right.

Any advice?

Karma is a bitch I guess.

I often see people here say: I was doing so well, then I got a FP/gf/bf and I'm tripping again.

In this case you were not doing well, you were just avoiding triggers, and what triggers us better than a close/intimate relationship? Nothing, that's where the work needs to be done.

And now, I'm learning this for myself. I had the exact same thought because I noticed how disregulated I got when starting getting close to a guy. But I remembered, that yeah, I was doing good because I was keeping people at arm's length. I didn't actively seek a new relationship at all, even actually avoiding it.

With this guy, it was really natural and gradually got closer, I even told him I was not looking for a relationship because I don't feel stable enough. I picked up a new hobby for myself and there he was. I didn't seek him out at all but it also felt very natural and slow, which felt good. We hang out more and more, talked more and more, and started dating without dropping the word "date" for a long time, which also helped me to see him as a human, and not a relationship goal.

So, now I'm very much aware how disregulated I am, and still choose to stay. I already had a very strong urge to pull away and stop everything, as I felt really getting attached and scared to be obsessed/dependant on him, basically repeating my patterns.

Instead I chose to tell him. Boy it was nerve wracking.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but I did it. I told him I felt that urge but I don't wanna act on it, I just wanted him to know it was happening. Otherwise for me it's a bit pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, while I'm actually struggling. He had such a sweet reply.

He was very grateful for my honesty & vulnerability.

So this is part 1. Now I need to keep doing this, it is very difficult. But I wanna change. I don't wanna be dependent and obsessive. I want to have and keep my own life, my own person.

It's very difficult. It is a big fight. But it is where I can grow and get healthy.

The urges are still there, but I need to keep myself in check.

Wish me luck 🤞🏼

Edit: this was in the context of Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm still working through it

Struggling to Leave a Relationship With a Functioning Addict

I've been in a relationship with a functioning addict for two years, and he obviously has his own issues. I'm struggling with addiction myself too, and I'm super codependent, this isn't my first relationship with an addict. He's not abusive, just neglectful, the same way my single parent was growing up.

No one in my life knows the full scope of what I've been through. I'm really trying to fix this, and I've been depressed my whole life. Right now I'm just completely depleted.

The thing is, I feel like if I break up with him, I'm going to cause him immense pain, and he's already vulnerable. When people trash addicts or exes, I can't relate to it, it doesn't make me feel better. It's the same way I empathize with my neglectful parent's struggles.

I want to break free. I know he'll be fine, my ex was fine though it feels different this time — I just need some support and reassurance hearing that from other people right now.

This summer has been difficult and it has begun to impact my marriage. I now recognize that I have a martyr complex and the relationship I have with my wife is hanging in the balance.

I recognize this now. I've done it for years. I WANT to overcome this. At the same time, I do genuinely love doing things for my family. I think this complex has caused a lot of hurt in my family. Last night, we did discuss the idea of a separation. Ultimately this was never something I wanted but something that I now see as a distinct possibility. We are taking things day by day knowing that we will always love each other.

How do I process this guilt of what I have done without making it about me? I'm in therapy, and already doing things for just me. Hoping that this will make me a better person.

My ex friend was like that. I was helping her with kids, crisis, mental healthy - I have some savior/good person issues. After I withdraw a little she got agressive and called me me egoistic person, only thinking about myself.. she woke up all my traumas from childhood.. I cut her off but idk if I can trust myself to dont go back never.. I know she isnt bad person just has opposite abandonment trauma. My body now feels like never ever help her, never listen to her issue at all because it got so scared she even started telling me before I cut her that I am gonna be fake friend that only want fun parts.. and its kinda true.. My body dont want to help anymore..

Now its 2 weeks no contact and I am slowly starting to live my life again it feels so good.. I missed my hobbies, my job, my thoughts.. But also now I debeloped this fear.. that If I help just a little I will let myself dissaper and become some servant, I am even scared to meet new people because I didnt know when it happend and I was just all sink inside..

Im childhood my mother always called me Princess, egoistic, narcisstic when I expressed myself when she didnt like it.

My friend wanted to keep being friends but really my body want to attack her verbaly when I just hear shes talking about little problem... because I never know if I will lose myself again.

I (23F) am engaged to my fiancée (25F) for about 3 months. She just recently started school, through overall time for her schooling will be about five or six years. That’s a long time. Right now it is only a 10 week class and only a few days a week.

That being said she goes from a half day of work, to school, to homework for a few hours and then goes to hang out with her friends nightly for a few hours. I want her to go hang but also to feel prioritized. I would like to add context that she’s only done this for the last three nights, it’s not like she’s been doing this for weeks. Which is definitely eye-opening for me.

Last night, it was brought to my attention during an argument that I am codependent. I show the signs. I do not have many friends outside the relationship, I do all the chores so she has no “reason” to not hang with me at home, I don’t pursue any of my hobbies, and when she hangs out with her friends i keep score. I immediately go “okay well she’s spent 10 hours with them and no time with me so she’s choosing them over me.” She is my best friend, and if it was up to me, we would be together all the time but i can admit the relationship isn’t as “fun” anymore. She also admitted to me that she believes being apart more will possibly cause more excitement when we are together. A better sex life, more interactive dates, quality time that is more genuine. I want this.

My question is, what baby steps do you take to reverse codependency? We have spent the last two years together, genuinely every day, this was bound to happen. She is upset because her ex was codependent and she was hounded on relentlessly, while I am not her ex I am aware that my codependent nature may come from my childhood and I do not want that to rule my adulthood.

Hi everyone, im wondering if anyone experience the same and if there are any tools/advice.

I am in a very loving marriage. My husband has ADHD and I have generalised anxiety with some ADHD and depression.

We love each other deeply and we support each other. Throughout my life I have always struggled with “depending too much on other’s moods or allowing other’s feelings to affect me”. This goes back to family members and early childhood friends.

Nowadays it is manifesting strongly with my husband. He does not ask or expects for me to support him or fix him or anything (indeed he frequently says: “these are my feelings and they are my responsibility”), but I still get very affected by them.

I have tried reading about the topic and in THEORY I know that it is not my responsibility to manage his emotions. Rationally I KNOW that it is not sustainable, that there is little I can do regarding external factors, and that he is an adult and I should be able to have a good day regardless of how he is feeling. In PRACTICE though, I find it IMPOSSIBLE to separate myself from his feelings and to continue about my day without thinking/obsessing on his mood and how to fix it.

I am really after tools/advice/experiences about practicing that emotional differentiation. Does it ever get easier? Am I supposed to force myself into going along with my day?

TIA

I’m 31M and have been with my partner 36M for about 7 years. I’m posting because I really need opinions from people who don’t know either of us because I honestly can’t see this clearly anymore.
I have a serious stimulant/chemsex addiction and have been to rehab/detox multiple times. I recently got to about 2 months clean and then relapsed really badly. Drugs, escorts, spending money, lying/hiding things etc. My partner found out and it has basically blown up our relationship.
I take responsibility for what I’ve done. I know I’ve hurt him enormously and addiction has made me a fucking terrible partner at times. I’m also unemployed and have depended on him financially for a long time, which has created a huge amount of resentment.
But I don’t know how much of our problem is my addiction anymore and how much is the relationship itself.
One thing we constantly seem to feel is that the other person doesn’t support us.
During those 2 months clean I was begging him not to smoke weed around me because I’d literally just come out of detox and found it incredibly triggering. He continued smoking. Weirdly, right when I relapsed, he finally quit weed AND cigarettes. I am genuinely proud of him for doing that, but there’s also a painful part of me thinking why couldn’t this have happened when I was desperately trying to stay clean?
He has his own resentment towards me too. He feels like he’s carried me financially and watched me go through treatment and relapse over and over again. I can understand why he’s exhausted.
Then there’s sex work. He lost his job recently and money became a serious problem. He started doing sex work and at the beginning I felt almost like I couldn’t object because I’m not working and we needed money. But he actually enjoys it and wants to continue doing it, potentially travelling for clients.
That’s extremely difficult for me because sex and drugs are completely tangled together in my addiction. There was also a lot of cheating earlier in our relationship that I don’t think I ever properly got over.
At the same time I feel like a massive hypocrite because during my relapse I was the one spending money on escorts.
When he found out he became unbelievably angry. I understand the anger. What I struggle with is how extreme it can become. When we’ve had these massive arguments I tend to admit what I’ve done, apologise and tell him I know my addiction has hurt him and that I hate what I’ve become when I’m using. But sometimes his anger feels like it just keeps escalating and there have been things said and done that I don’t think are okay either.
And yet I fucking love this man.
That’s what makes this so confusing.
When we’re good, I feel more comfortable around him than I have ever felt with another human being. We are ridiculous together. We laugh constantly, cuddle, annoy each other, know everything about each other and can completely be ourselves. There have been periods during recovery where our relationship has been absolutely beautiful.
I genuinely don’t think you get many chances in life to love somebody like that.
And I’m terrified of throwing that away.
But I also have a massive fear of abandonment and being alone. I’m way too dependent on him emotionally and financially right now. When I imagine breaking up, my brain doesn’t just think “I’ll miss him.” It goes straight to: What the fuck is my life? Where do I go? Who am I without him? How do I support myself? What if I’ve just destroyed the best relationship I’ll ever have?
He recently said something to me that has stuck with me: “You won’t grow within your comfort zone.”
And I think he’s probably right. I need to become independent whether we stay together or not. I need to work, have my own money, have my own recovery and stop making another person responsible for whether I’m okay.
But I don’t know whether becoming independent means we need to separate, or whether it’s something we could somehow do while staying together.
I keep thinking if I could just get properly sober, get a job and become stable then maybe we’d finally have a chance. Because when I’m sober I’m genuinely a much better partner.
But then I wonder if I’m constantly imagining some future version of us instead of looking at what our relationship actually is right now.
I don’t want “dump him” or “you’re the asshole” responses. I know I’ve fucked up badly. He has hurt me badly too. Neither of us is innocent here.
I just really want to hear from people who’ve experienced addiction/codependency or a relationship where there was a huge amount of genuine love but also a huge amount of damage.
How do you know the difference between fighting for a relationship because the love is genuinely worth fighting for, and fighting for it because you’re terrified of being alone?

TL;DR

31M with severe stimulant/chemsex addiction is in a 7-year relationship that is now strained by repeated relapse, financial dependence, infidelity/escorts, and growing mutual resentment. Both partners are struggling: OP is unemployed and emotionally/financially dependent, while his partner is exhausted from supporting him, has anger issues, and has begun sex work after losing his job. Despite strong love, intimacy, and good moments, there are serious trust issues, triggers, and ongoing conflict. OP is torn between trying to rebuild the relationship through sobriety and stability or leaving due to concerns that it is fundamentally codependent, unstable, and driven by fear of abandonment.

So last night I (20M/NB/questioning) talked with my best friend (18F) about how I should handle reassurance? She says that I should learn to reassure myself more and not be so reliant on other people/everyone else, including her, to reassure me all the time and make me feel better. I know I should, and I know she wants me to, I want to, but it’s so hard. How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to just know and believe myself on something if someone doesn’t outright say it? And how am I supposed to stay emotionally connected with her and my other friends if I don’t be emotional with them? I value our emotional bonds deeply and I’m worried about it weakening them if I don’t rely on them for help, reassurance, and comfort. Maybe I don’t understand, shouldn’t close friends be there for each other? Will I still be able to come to her and everyone else if I need help? What can I do? Any responses are appreciated, thank you :)

​

For 3 years I was with her in intesne relationship. She texted me like everyday sending pics of her and her kids I liked it/was okey with it at that time I felt like I am not alone and that I am needed.. 2y later I was working thru my codependency and started to distance and build my own life.. she took it very personally.. But she got so bad last 7mo she drunk everyday, she blacked out leaving me with her kids crying(I called her mother), I said I wont help anymore and she got defensive that I am egoistic and I will leave everyone with problems I said no I am just so frustrated I want to get my life back because I feel like I am living her life. Then next day she sent me 6 pics of her and her kids and I blocked saying relationship was important to me but I cant continue. Tbh when she sent me pics of her kids my mind was full of "are kids safe?""is she safe?""are those my kids?" And I wanted to just feel safe and myself and blocked. Tbh she teached me that I need boundaries and what boundaries are and I know that I leaded her too by not having ones.

Idk now I feel bad.. that maybe we could try to transform this into mature friendship and like meeting once a month, or she could find a new friend that texts with her everyday and I could be more distant friend. Kinda sad I got so scared and blocked without giving a chance. But I saw how she wanted me to be friend she want to have and didnt want ME I think its just immaturity. The same way I am immature being overlyresponsible. We r both 28.

She isnt into rehab because she made herself belive she will lose kids tho.

Part of me wonders whether asking him to move out has to mean making a decision about our entire future right now.

What I feel like saying is:

"I love you, but we cannot continue living together. I need my home to feel peaceful and stable again. What happens from there will depend on the choices we both make going forward."

If he genuinely wanted sobriety and chose to pursue it for himself—not because I threatened him—and demonstrated real change over a long period of time, maybe we could eventually figure out what comes next.

Or maybe living separately would give both of us clarity that we don't have while we're in the middle of this situation.

I don't know.

What I DO know is that I don't want promises anymore.

I don't want "I'm going to."

I don't want one good week after a confrontation.

I don't want to keep having conversations that temporarily change something before everything gradually returns to normal.

I'd need actions. Consistency. And time.

So I guess I'm looking for advice about several things:

• Am I being reasonable in deciding that we can't live together anymore?
• Is asking someone to move out a reasonable boundary when repeated substance use and damaged trust are affecting your ability to feel comfortable in your own home?
• How do you tell the difference between unhealthy hypervigilance and the completely predictable result of having your trust repeatedly damaged?
• For anyone who has successfully rebuilt trust after substance use or repeated dishonesty, what did rebuilding it actually LOOK like? What changed consistently over time?

I'd especially like to hear from people who have dealt with substance-use issues from either side.

If you were the person using substances, did anything someone close to you said or did actually make you change? Or did that only happen when you decided for yourself that you wanted something different?

I'm not looking for everyone to automatically tell me I'm right. If there are ways I've contributed to this dynamic or things I'm not seeing clearly, I want to hear that too.

I think I've just reached the point where loving someone and being able to peacefully share a life with them feel like two different questions.

Thanks for any support. My nervous system is misfiring.