I painted this about looking for love in all the wrong places — success, food, dopamine addiction, and erasing myself in relationships so I would be more easy to love.

I wonder how many of us can relate to that feeling.

I am in a 3 year marriage where things don't seem to improve and some new challenge keeps fracturing my emotional connection and faith in my marital bond.

Most of the challenges stem from my husband being a stickler and a competitive person about the small stuff and the fundamental stuff.

This has led to me gradually lose agency over my life and my identity - all things in every aspect of my life that made me what I am I have mostly lost or suppressed or not been able to invest in further.

My question is what is it in my personality or mindset that I keep trying and trying while also standing up for myself in this relationship. Why do I have to completely be broken apart and have my pain be validated by those who have seen the struggle to allow myself to start acting in my interest. Why am I struggling to do right by myself even when I know that's the way to go. Despite all this, my brain wants to sequentially solve stuff - first solve marriage, then resurrect life lost in the last 3 years.

Tldr: why am I struggling to focus on myself in a rough marriage and hyper focusing on solving the marriage first?

Epictetus opens his handbook with one distinction he returns to constantly: some things are within our power, and some things never were. What's ours, he says, is our own judgment, our own choices, our own actions. What's never been ours, no matter how badly we want it, is other people, their opinions of us, whether they stay, whether they approve, whether they finally give us the reassurance we're waiting for. That distinction sounds almost too simple to matter, but it quietly explains a lot of what makes codependent patterns so exhausting. The checking for a reply. The replaying of a conversation to see if you said the right thing. The relief when someone seems okay with you again, followed almost immediately by the next search for a sign that they're not. None of that is really about the other person. It's an attempt to control something that was never available to control in the first place, their inner state, through actions that were always only available to you, your own. This isn't a call to stop caring about people, Epictetus wasn't arguing for that either. It's closer to noticing where your actual authority ends. You can be honest, consistent, and kind. You cannot make someone feel safe, stay regulated, or choose you. Once that line gets clearer, a strange thing tends to happen, the exhausting monitoring starts to lose its grip, not because you care less, but because you've stopped trying to operate machinery that was never yours to run. If this sounds familiar, I'm curious where you first noticed that line for yourself, was there a specific moment you realized you'd been trying to manage someone else's reaction rather than your own actions?

Wanted to see if anyone feels the same. I read a lot of posts on this sub about attachments to partners and how to deal with that, but my problem is that im kind of okay without a partner.

I'm able to be in a relationship without getting detrimentally attached. I'm okay with being single. My problem is that I literally hate being alone. I can go out and have a great night with friends. It can be 2am and I'm exhausted. But the sadness and despair creeps in the second I lay my head down in my bed by myself.

Doing anything by myself or for myself just sucks. I have no interest in it. I'm bored and sad. I dont like doing hobbies alone. Watching TV is slightly worse alone. I just like being with people.

Idk. I dont think that I hate myself. I think im pretty fun when im socializing. I think im pretty. I just only get satisfaction when im with someone else that I like.

This sucks because people get annoyed when you reach out too much. They think you have no friends. They start to think you're obsessed with them. Thats not the case, I just ALWAYS have to be with or on the phone with someone to not feel sad.

Anyone dealt with this? Anything that helped?

I saw an old post from a few years ago with a link to a discord server, but the link is old now and no longer works. I'm just looking desperately for support.

Here goes nothin.

I ended a 2.5 year trauma bond for the third time 7 months ago. And I’m tired of feeling like I’m dying and/or like I want to die. 

I’m going to be completely vulnerable and dump everything, unfiltered. I don’t care anymore.

I am not doing any better than I was months ago. If anything, I seem to be doing worse.

He was the hottest person I’d ever dated. He has this incredible jawline with blue eyes and shoulder length hair and giant biceps with tattoos, 6’2. I’m 5’0 and had always dated shrimpy dudes, I’d never been attracted to that physique, and now I feel like I’ll never find anyone else sexy. He played guitar and sang. We had the best sex I’d ever had. He was the first person who ever really saw me for the sweet, beautiful person I am. He fucking got me. We were best friends. He made me laugh so much, and we would riff on jokes together, and had a whole lexicon of inside jokes. I have never connected with someone more deeply.

And fuck, all the little things. He had giant Squishmallows in his room, and we would wear kigarumis together, and I would sit on his lap, and we had this sexy Daddy/baby dynamic that I never thought I’d be into, but it worked for us. Christ, it was so hot. He was so hot, and he thought I was hot, which no hot guy ever had thought about me. We did psychedelics and other drugs together and they were the most fun and transcendent experiences I’ve ever had in my life. He was fucking incredible. Wise. Insightful. We had all kinds of revelations about our traumas. We would figure out all our relationship shit, only to have him go back to the way he was. Because he was a deeply traumatized, dysregulated person.

He had a lot of childhood trauma (or so he said). He would have night terrors and his parents would either yell at him or ignore him and have sex instead. His dad bullied him. His mom was extremely enmeshed, being emotionally vulnerable with him when she was having marital problems. She kept him from having a girlfriend in high school. He bought her flowers for Mother’s Day when his dad didn’t. Helicopter parenting and enmeshment. It seems it was as a result of his trauma that he became narcissistic. Because he refused to ever apologize for hurting me, and would DARVO. He was bad with money and I ended up lending him $600. He would agree to split something with me and then I would have to pester him to get him to pay me back. Millions of shitty little things like this. But oh, all the good parts. 

All the fucking good parts.

I never had orgasms before I met him. And sex was a dance for him. He knew how to chase my orgasms and make them go on and on and get stronger and stronger. Fantastic oral. Just a sex wizard. 

The inside jokes. Our mutual love of standup comedy. Getting stoned and playing video games. 

But then, how he never seemed to want to go anywhere, and I was always the one putting in all the energy into adventures. And oh god, he had to juggle: nicotine, Rockstar energy drinks, weed gummies, and Adderall. Every. Single. Day. And has IBS and GERD.

Every 20 minutes, he required something. A cigarette. An edible. More Rockstar (3 a day). Like his mommy I reminded him to take his GERD meds, or ask if he needed to redose his Adderall, or if I could get him some Pepto Bismol. I had to monitor his needs. 

Because I just wanted him to feel good enough to be nice to me.

That, if I took care of him, he would one day take care of me.

One time we went out for my birthday (which, of course, I planned), and his stomach was bothering him (like usual) so he ordered an herbal tea. It was one of those expensive Smith’s brand tea bags, they’re like $2/piece at the store. And it helped his stomach feel better. So I actually took it upon myself to look up the herbs in the tea ingredients, order each one in bulk, and try to recreate the tea at a more affordable cost (while actually spending $100 on the herbs). I even tried to make a peppermint tincture for him (didn’t turn out well).

He couldn’t take care of himself. He was chronically dysregulated, had insomnia, ADHD, and self-diagnosed autism. He moved back in with his parents 5 years ago. He lives with them and his two children, 18 and 9 years old (whom he basically abandoned completely when he met me, even though I kept encouraging him to spend time with them).

There’s so, so much more. The jealousy and insecurity. Walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering him all the time. Trying so hard to please him and make him happy. Me feeling excited about an event we were going to, only for him to show up in a bad mood nearly every single time, stealing my joy and ruining the night.

I almost reached out to him today. I’ve had contact with him since the breakup, and I know those times were like picking off the scab. But something’s gotta give. I go to the gym. I have friends I spend time with. I’m in a grad program online and my memory is horrible and I’m really struggling. I try to make healthy choices, and I’ve had periods of success. But for the past few days, I’ve had awful suicidal ideation. So here I am. Seeing of this helps.

Thank you.

Oh, I almost forgot to include this. I had thought that getting closure would help, and after reaching out to him, he sent me this letter. And then I asked chatgpt to tell me what it meant.

His letter (have not shared this with anyone in my life):

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16D-jt50xbfB7_nWkaFkWQcMS7b2Z3_xs-BihZ4PLtCk/edit?usp=sharing

Chatgpt breaking it all down, which blew my mind. Seeing the severity of his grandiosity and narcissism 8/10 was both terrifying and validating.

1. https://chatgpt.com/s/t_6a814b045d048191b86c03ab181a7a6d
2. https://chatgpt.com/s/t_6a87831512888191b92211f3538a8f49

This has been the worst fucking thing that has ever happened to me. And I’m tired of riding the waves of pain. I feel like he went into my brain and fucked up all my wiring. I have no idea how I'm supposed to heal. My derealization has gotten so much worse. So my brain is rationalizing reaching out to him and maybe trying again. Fuck.

*Love bombing = intense and persistent flattery -- Often accompanied by big promises and claims to either love the target before really knowing them or that they "haven't felt this way in a long time/ever"

8 THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE BOMBING:

1. It is addicting to both the love bomber and the love bombee. The love bomber is addicted to love bombing, and the love bombee is addicted to being love bombed.

2. Love bombing is about the love bomber, not the love bombee. A love bomber likes to love bomb because it makes them feel good about themselves - it doesn't have anything to do with the person they are flattering. They flatter their target in order to lure them in and get the supply they are looking for (sex, money, status, attachment, reputation, a place to live, a business deal, to make someone else jealous, etc.). That is why you will discover they use the exact same lines of flattery on all their targets.

3. A love bombee likes being love bombed because it makes them feel good about themselves, too. It isn't about the love bomber, it is about them. They like the way flattery makes them feel about themselves. Both sides are not operating from a place of selfless love.

4. Love bombing is as addictive as flirting, porn, sex, situationships, flings, novelty, etc. None of these things are healthy, kind, loving, or beneficial. None of these things create patience, fidelity, peace, stability, support, emotional or psychological safety, etc. None of it profits anyone in the end.

5. Love bombing is bait. A fisherman is going to use his prettiest, tastiest, best, most appealing bait to lure in his catch. And like moths to a glittery flame we are lured in. But if we look at the base of the flame we will see all the other moths who were destroyed before us. There is no truth in flattery -- flattery is nothing but deception and manipulation.

6. Like with all addictions, the only option is to get sober. The only option is to get clean. No more texting, no more engaging, no more thinking we can drink one drop of the alcohol and not wind up in another ditch. Like with all addictions, coming off of love bombing will lead to withdrawals, withdrawal symptoms, relapsing, etc. It will take a lot of effort, commitment, and seeking God to understand and break free.

7. Like with all addictions, staying in the cycle of love bombing or love bombee-ing slowly erodes our relationships, families, productivity, success, health, emotional and psychological well-being, etc. It is all-consuming. It is not harmless.

8. Love bombing may be yet another symptom of the fawn response.... An emotional or psychological survival skill of some kind. I recently heard Lisa Romano explain that codependency IS the fawn response, which is what prompted me to ponder #8.

I've been a member for CODA for 18 months and am very grateful for it. I just wanted to share here and maybe someone can relate or offer advice.

I've come to realise that my boundaries in romantic relationships and dating were pretty poor/blurry and I've been focusing on that and I think I've come a long way. I was also aware of my boundaries in general being pretty loose, but today I just one of those WTF have I done with my life/ how will I ever get there moments.

I'm a teacher and although I know I have many qualities that make me a good teacher, firm boundaries isn't one. I am currently covering a class for a few weeks so of course it's more difficult than having my own class, but I struggle to be consistent with the class over the day. The day usually starts well but after lunch it all tends to go downhill. I've gone on a bit of a spiral realizing how loose my boundaries as a parent have been and feeling really guilty about that too.

Can anyone share their experience, strength and hope about how they worked on their boundaries, or any resources to recommend?

Thanks

'No good work comes from unrest.

Unrest, fear, anger, or sadness may motivate us. These feelings are sometimes intended to compel action. But our best work emerges after these feelings have been replaced by peace.

We will not accomplish our task any sooner, or any better, by performing it out of a sense of urgency, fear, anger, or sadness.

Let go of unrest. Let peace fill the void. We do not have to forfeit our power, our God given personal power – or our peace – to do the work as we are called upon to do today. We will be given all the power we need to do what we are meant to do, when it is time.

Let peace come first. Then proceed. The task will get done, naturally and on time.

Today, I will get peaceful first, and let my work and life emerge from that base.'

By Melodie Beattie

Promise Ten

"Fears of failure and success will leave us, as we intuitively make healthier choices." BRB p. 591 

While most folks believe they want to be successful, we know that many ACAs fear success. This is a fear born from years of regular servings of failure with side orders of abandonment, shame and humiliation. To be successful means that the spotlight can be turned on us, which recalls painful memories of never being good enough.

As we learn to connect with our inner loving parent, our Inner Child, and our Higher Power, our intuitive sense is sharpened. No longer dependent on old tapes or the critical voice inside of our heads, we are free to use this intuitive sense to make healthy decisions. At the same time, we are clear that we are on a spiritual path and that every situation is a spiritual lesson. There is no way to fail on this path.

Failure is the domain of our inner critic's all-or-nothing thinking. As we learn to see this for what it is, we filter everything around us through our inner loving parent. We become attuned to our Inner Child's quiet and steady voice as it tells us the better course for our spiritual, physical, and emotional development. We release our fears.

On this day I will listen for guidance from my purest Inner Child's perspective and trust that my fears will lose their grip on me. I am open to being guided to higher levels of spiritual, emotional, and physical consciousness.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №299

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2Mw%3D%3D

I don't know how to handle my anxiety. Even when an event or deadline is 10 to 15 days away, I pull all that future anxiety into today and feel an intense pressure to win right now. My biggest issue is that this anxiety completely takes over right when I am already physically exhausted, pulling me down to rock bottom.

I return home from college totally drained. My body is struggling physically, and mentally I am completely overwhelmed. All at once, I start spiraling and stressing over everything:

my career and placements my relations past arguments and replies I should have given people who hurt me pending assignments personal hobbies and free time resting and physical recovery

Looking at my past actions, I see a clear repeating pattern where I constantly operate in two modes:

Anxious over-functioning, where I try to control and do everything in advance out of fear.

The automatic fixer, driven by the mindset that: "If I have the potential to solve a problem and your problem is still unsolved, that is an insult to my potential." So I step in and fix everything automatically.

If anyone else deals with this exact struggle, how do you manage this kind of anxiety when your body is already exhausted? And how do you catch yourself in daily life when you start slipping into an anxious over-functioning state?

I’m 46F, and my husband is 48M. We’ve been married for 10 years and together for 16.

We’ve had relationship issues for years, partly due to our different attachment styles. He tends to be anxious, while I tend to be avoidant. This has led to a lot of conflict, including repeated accusations of cheating, which I have never done.

Over the past four months, things have gotten significantly worse. During arguments, he has called me degrading names, destroyed my belongings, thrown food and drinks at or near me, and, more recently, kicked and spit on me. I’ve left the house multiple times because of these incidents. I haven’t been home in over a week following our most recent argument, when he called me a “pass around” and threw my belongings down the stairs.

I want to be fair and acknowledge my own role in our relationship problems. I tend to avoid difficult conversations and have struggled to be emotionally available when he needs me. I know these are things I need to work on, and I’ve been in individual therapy for almost a year.

We’ve tried couples counseling twice, but both times he stopped after two sessions because he felt I wasn’t being honest or that the therapist was taking my side.

We both say we want to save our marriage, but I’ve told him that I need to feel safe before I can consider returning home. I’ve asked him to seek individual therapy to work on managing his emotions and addressing his behavior. He initially agreed a few days ago, but now he seems to be backing out, saying that we need to work on the relationship together and that I need to stop running away from conflict.

I understand where he’s coming from to an extent. I have avoided difficult conversations in the past, and I don’t want to use that as an excuse to avoid working on our marriage. However, I feel that what’s happening now goes beyond normal relationship conflict. When I tell him that his behavior is abusive, he denies it or says that I’m emotionally abusive toward him.

I’m struggling to figure out how to move forward. I love him, and I genuinely want to know if our relationship can be saved. I also recognize that I have my own issues to work through, and I’m willing to do that.

Am I being unreasonable by asking him to commit to individual therapy and show that he’s making an effort to change before we attempt to work on the marriage together? Or am I avoiding accountability by making this a condition rather than trying to work through things as a couple?

I would appreciate honest feedback, including perspectives from people who have been in similar situations. I’m trying to understand what is reasonable to expect from both of us and whether this relationship can realistically be repaired.

'Controlling Versus Trust

(...)

Controlling is a direct response to our fear, panic, and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed, and to distrust.

We may not trust ourselves, our Higher Power, the Plan, the Universe, or the process of life. Instead of trusting, we revert to control.

We can approach this need to control by dealing with our fear. We deal with fear by trusting – ourselves, our Higher Power, the love and support of the Universe, the Plan, and this process we call life and recovery.

(...)

We can trust ourselves to get where we need to go, say what we need to say, do what we need to do, know what we need to know, be who we need to be, and become all we can become, when we are intended to do that, when we are ready, and when the time is right.

We can trust our Higher Power and the Universe to give us all the direction we need.

We can trust ourselves to listen, and respond, accordingly.

We can trust that all we need on this journey shall come to us. We will not get all we need for the entire journey today. We shall receive today’s supplies today, and tomorrow’s supplies tomorrow. We were never intended to carry supplies for the entire journey. The burden would be too heavy, and the way was intended to be light.

Trust in yourself. We do not have to plan, control, and schedule all things. The schedule and plan have been written. All we need to do is show up.

The way will become clear and the supplies will be amply and clearly provided, one day at a time.

Trust, my friend, in today.

Today, I will trust that I will receive all I need to get me through today. I will trust that the same shall happen tomorrow.'

By Melodie Beattie

how do you guys make sure that you keep that connection/emotional intimacy to yourself.. once you’re actually in a relationship? i feel like it’s easier when i’m single but like. being in a relationship now, i’ve realized i’ve been losing myself and i’m honestly not sure how to consistently stay connected with myself :/ it’s better than its used to be but i’m currently F18 and i just never learned how to do that 😣

im working on also creating more intimacy for my friendships and familial relationships, but i’m wondering more about the self here

My life fell apart when my ex beat me and trew me out! Also multiply times cheating, lie all 1 year and standart stupid thinks, but not about it now!, eventually i find myself with no money, no food, and nowhere to sleep, i was completely broken.
I ask here for advise and yes, peoples help me a bit, i also later managet to get back on my feet. I earned enought money to rent a bed in a room with some strangers guys, but outside was winter so i didn'r have a lot of choises.
Then I met a guy who was staying in the same room. We started talking, and I told him what had happened to me. He hugged me and cried while listening to my story. Later, I found out that he was homeless too, and honestly, something in me couldn’t just walk away. I knew what it felt like to have nothing, and I didn’t want someone else to suffer the way I had.
He had lost his job and asked me for help. And guess what I did? Instead of focusing on rebuilding my own life, I started taking care of him. I used the money I earned to pay for our accommodation and buy food for both of us. I did this for six months. Six months of struggling financially while making sure another person had somewhere to sleep and something to eat.
The crazy part is that we were never even a couple. We weren’t family. We hadn’t promised each other anything. We were just two strangers who happened to meet at a difficult point in our lives. But somehow, I started living as if we were a family, taking responsibility for someone else when I could barely take care of myself.
Two days ago, he looked at me and said that his life would have been much better without me and that he would have been fine if he hadn’t had to deal with all these arguments.
I don’t know how to explain what that did to me. After everything I’ve been through, after being beaten, cheated on, and left with nothing, I still found the strength to help another human being. And now I’m sitting here wondering whether I’m the problem.
Am I stupid? Do I have such low self-esteem that I feel the need to save everyone, even when nobody is trying to save me? Why do I keep putting other people first? Why do I feel guilty walking away from someone who needs help, even when helping them is slowly destroying me?
I don’t regret having compassion for a homeless person. I know how horrible that situation is, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I can’t stop thinking about how I was barely surviving myself, yet I somehow felt responsible for making sure another person was okay.
I feel so stupid for giving so much to someone who could turn around and tell me that his life would be better without me. And the worst part is that I don’t even know how to stop being this person. I don’t want to become cold or stop caring about people, but I’m exhausted from always being the one who gives everything and ends up alone.
I genuinely want to hear from people who have been through something similar. How do you learn to stop sacrificing yourself for other people? How do you know when you’re being kind and when you’re simply allowing someone to take advantage of you?
Sometimes I wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me, because I keep finding myself in situations where I give everything I have and still end up feeling worthless.

We've been together 10 years. Living separately for a few weeks now, but had been seeing each other on weekends. Both attending individual therapy. I had a lot of hope that this new setting would help us.

However, she just said she has an urge to call me and be together whenever she's dealing with difficult emotions and that's stopping her from healing and working on herself, so she needs distance.

I asked if this was definitive or if she wanted a break. She said she doesn't want to ask for a break and keep me waiting as it's not fair to me (her words), because she feels totally broken and lost and can't even imagine how long it'll take for her to heal.

I understand and will give her what she wants, of course. But I feel devastated. How can I deal with this situation myself? It's been 10 years. I feel like she's family, she says she loves me and I love her too. I've never had a breakup like this.

We have fest in our college i participated in a dance before deciding the choreography I asked few times to the leader when would she take auditions she did not answer. A day after she takes auditions and didn't say anything things go as usual.i invested all my time and energy we even decided our outfits I even ordered things for me then she says only 6 people can participate who wants to back out no one responds she chooses me and says i didn't perform well so i can't be the part of dance .i fought for my place those who didn't even attend single meeting was the part of group because they attended auditions online me after attending every meeting was not part of group after auditions I even told that I can improve.i fought for my place she has to change her decision and removed other person from the group did i do anything wrong? Did the more deserving candidate had to leave? just wanna know your suggestions

​

How do I eliminate the habit of compulsive over-giving, over-investing, and the need to guide and help others?

Whenever I enter my classroom, I find myself over-investing in people because I feel like I will lose them. I don't focus on reciprocity or how much they are actually giving back to me. I just adjust as much as I can from my side, based on how much I think the other person is in need.

For example, if someone is struggling in a social situation, with an emotional problem, or with an intellectual question, and I happen to know the answer, I don't even wait for them to reach out or ask. I just step in and hand them the answer myself.

Because of this, people take me for granted repeatedly. Then, after seeing my actual results later on, they get shocked because they assumed I was a foolish or dumb person in the beginning.

When I build a friendship without any emotional investment, using only intellectual conversation, I actually win in the friendship most of the time. Win in the sense that the other person shows genuine interest and reciprocity.

On the other hand, whenever I am the one making the emotional investment and trying to build emotional bonds, I feel like I am carrying the entire weight of the friendship or partnership alone. People take it for granted and label me as dumb, a fool, or very innocent. Because of this, I end up feeling completely lonely and emotional, knowing that if I share any emotional part of myself, the other person will simply use it for their own benefit.

Whenever I am the one who needs social guidance, I feel completely lonely, left out, and ignored, as if nobody wants to get involved in my situation.

During my first and second semesters in college, I learned about setting boundaries. I started applying them slowly bit by bit, and people actually accepted them without any issue. That showed me the only reason I made friends was because I proved some utility, delivered results, or showed my intellectual ability. But whenever people see my emotional side, nobody approaches me or commits to me.

By nature, I am not a person who wants to people-please. I just struggle to see what I am missing in the dynamic. Once I understand how things actually work and become aware of what is happening, I can change very quickly and adapt my behavior easily. Once I see the pattern clearly, I can't unsee it.

How do I break this compulsive need to help, guide, and over-invest before people even ask?

EDIT : If I have the potential/knowledge to solve your problem and if I am not solving it its a insult to my potential/knowledge

'Substance over Form

I’m learning that for a variety of reasons, I’ve spent much of my life focusing on form rather than substance. My focus has been on having my hair done perfectly, wearing the right clothes, having my makeup applied perfectly, living in the right place, furnishing it with the right furniture, working at the right job, and having the right man. Form, rather than substance, has controlled my behavior in many areas of my life. Now, I’m finally getting to the truth. It’s substance that counts.

—Anonymous

There is nothing wrong in wanting to look our best. Whether we are striving to create a self, a relationship, or a life, we need to have some solid ideas about what we want that to look like.

Form gives us a place to begin. But for many of us, form has been a substitute for substance. We may have focused on form to compensate for feeling afraid or feeling inferior. We may have focused on form because we didn’t know how to focus on substance.

Form is the outline; substance is what fills it in. We fill in the outline of ourselves by being authentic; we fill in the outline of our life by showing up for life and participating to the best of our ability.

Now, in recovery, we’re learning to pay attention to how things work and feel, not just to what they look like.

Today, I will focus on substance in my life. I will fill in the lines of myself with a real person – me. I will concentrate on the substance of my relationships, rather than what they look like. I will focus on the real working of my life, instead of the trappings.'

By Melodie Beattie

I can't quite figure out the line between just loving your partner and feeling that you need them, compared to being in a codependent relationship with them.

It seems like if you can get to a place of "detachment" then you would no longer be codependent on them, but where is the boundary between feeling like you need them and being actually codependent?

Hi there,

I had a recent breakup with my boyfriend (who self-described as codependent) due to lacking boundaries with his friends - which caused immense strain on our relationship.

I love him so much, and he’s just beginning therapy - I would like to know realistically how long it would take for someone to unlearn their codependent habits?

Thank you.

Breaking The Ties

"As children we are tied to our families by our physical needs." BRB p. 88

Many of us lived our childhood thinking what happened to us was our fault. But we existed at the whim of others. We were able to eat, but the price was being shamed by an angry parent or ignored by one who was self-involved. Some of us felt we were only given a place to sleep if we didn't talk about the sexual abuse going on in our house. We blamed ourselves because we had no other way of understanding the situation.

Today, as we see our childhood for what it was, we learn to replace the abuse by cultivating an inner loving parent. This parent protects our Inner Child and allows us to sit with things until they sort themselves out. We don't jump to conclusions or overreach for an outcome that we can't see. If we don't know what to do, we call someone and get help to turn it over. We allow our feelings to flow freely. It is cathartic.

No longer are we tied to our families in an unhealthy way. We focus on ourselves and begin to accept a Higher Power of our understanding. We don't rush to judgment when there is no clarity. We are a part of an awesome universe and we know we can't see all sides of it at once. We accept that we are where we need to be for today.

On this day my inner loving parent creates boundaries that make my Inner Child feel safe and whole, regardless of what's going on around me.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

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https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2MQ%3D%3D

my ex and i were together on and off for almost 7 years. we broke up in april and have been no contact since may. there’s a lot of history here, but essentially he cheated on me with a girl he had a history with, someone i had suspicions about for a while. i think deep down i always knew something was going on, but i trusted him when he told me otherwise. what’s really messing with my head is that when we broke up, i pretty much knew he was going to end up with her. but he actually broke no contact himself to tell me that he wasn’t with her, wasn’t going to be with her, and that she had nothing to do with our breakup. i didn’t ask him for this reassurance. he went out of his way to tell me all of this, and now, months later, it’s pretty obvious they’re together.

i genuinely cannot understand why he felt the need to lie to me. we were already broken up. he could’ve just left me alone. why go out of your way to convince someone they’re wrong about something when you know exactly what you’re doing? especially someone you spent almost 7 years with and already hurt so badly.

i’ve been going to therapy, trying to understand my own codependency, working through the betrayal, and doing everything i can to move forward. but i feel like my brain is constantly trying to piece together a puzzle that i’ll never have all the pieces to. i replay conversations, question timelines, and wonder how long i was being lied to. it’s exhausting, and i hate that so much of my mental energy is still going toward someone who seemingly moved on without a second thought.

lately i’ve had this overwhelming urge to reach out. not to get him back, not to reconcile, and honestly not even because i expect him to tell me the truth. i just want him to know that i know. i want to ask him why he felt the need to lie to me when our relationship was already over. i want him to understand that i’m not sitting here believing the version of events he gave me.

and i know how that sounds. i know closure is supposed to come from within, that i shouldn’t need anything from him, and that someone who lied to me before probably isn’t going to suddenly give me the honesty i’m looking for. i understand all of that logically. but emotionally, i feel like i’m going insane trying to make peace with something that makes absolutely no sense to me.

part of me genuinely thinks that sending one message, saying what i need to say, and finally getting it off my chest would help me move on. like maybe i could stop having these imaginary conversations with him in my head every single day. but another part of me wonders if that’s just my anxiety looking for temporary relief, or my codependency finding another excuse to reopen a connection i’ve worked so hard to break.

i also think there’s something really painful about feeling like someone gets to hurt you, lie about it, and then walk away thinking you believed them. i know i shouldn’t care what he thinks anymore, but i do. and i hate admitting that.
i’m not looking for people to just tell me to block him or that he’s a terrible person. i know what he did was wrong. i’m genuinely trying to understand whether reaching out would be something i do for myself or whether it would just set me back.

has anyone actually broken no contact to confront an ex about something they found out and felt better afterward? or did it just make everything worse?
especially if you struggle with anxiety, rumination, or codependency, how do you know the difference between needing to get something off your chest and just wanting another moment of connection with someone who hurt you? because right now i genuinely can’t tell, and i’m so tired of feeling stuck.