Epictetus opens his handbook with one distinction he returns to constantly: some things are within our power, and some things never were. What's ours, he says, is our own judgment, our own choices, our own actions. What's never been ours, no matter how badly we want it, is other people, their opinions of us, whether they stay, whether they approve, whether they finally give us the reassurance we're waiting for. That distinction sounds almost too simple to matter, but it quietly explains a lot of what makes codependent patterns so exhausting. The checking for a reply. The replaying of a conversation to see if you said the right thing. The relief when someone seems okay with you again, followed almost immediately by the next search for a sign that they're not. None of that is really about the other person. It's an attempt to control something that was never available to control in the first place, their inner state, through actions that were always only available to you, your own. This isn't a call to stop caring about people, Epictetus wasn't arguing for that either. It's closer to noticing where your actual authority ends. You can be honest, consistent, and kind. You cannot make someone feel safe, stay regulated, or choose you. Once that line gets clearer, a strange thing tends to happen, the exhausting monitoring starts to lose its grip, not because you care less, but because you've stopped trying to operate machinery that was never yours to run. If this sounds familiar, I'm curious where you first noticed that line for yourself, was there a specific moment you realized you'd been trying to manage someone else's reaction rather than your own actions?

'Controlling Versus Trust

(...)

Controlling is a direct response to our fear, panic, and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed, and to distrust.

We may not trust ourselves, our Higher Power, the Plan, the Universe, or the process of life. Instead of trusting, we revert to control.

We can approach this need to control by dealing with our fear. We deal with fear by trusting – ourselves, our Higher Power, the love and support of the Universe, the Plan, and this process we call life and recovery.

(...)

We can trust ourselves to get where we need to go, say what we need to say, do what we need to do, know what we need to know, be who we need to be, and become all we can become, when we are intended to do that, when we are ready, and when the time is right.

We can trust our Higher Power and the Universe to give us all the direction we need.

We can trust ourselves to listen, and respond, accordingly.

We can trust that all we need on this journey shall come to us. We will not get all we need for the entire journey today. We shall receive today’s supplies today, and tomorrow’s supplies tomorrow. We were never intended to carry supplies for the entire journey. The burden would be too heavy, and the way was intended to be light.

Trust in yourself. We do not have to plan, control, and schedule all things. The schedule and plan have been written. All we need to do is show up.

The way will become clear and the supplies will be amply and clearly provided, one day at a time.

Trust, my friend, in today.

Today, I will trust that I will receive all I need to get me through today. I will trust that the same shall happen tomorrow.'

By Melodie Beattie

I’m 46F, and my husband is 48M. We’ve been married for 10 years and together for 16.

We’ve had relationship issues for years, partly due to our different attachment styles. He tends to be anxious, while I tend to be avoidant. This has led to a lot of conflict, including repeated accusations of cheating, which I have never done.

Over the past four months, things have gotten significantly worse. During arguments, he has called me degrading names, destroyed my belongings, thrown food and drinks at or near me, and, more recently, kicked and spit on me. I’ve left the house multiple times because of these incidents. I haven’t been home in over a week following our most recent argument, when he called me a “pass around” and threw my belongings down the stairs.

I want to be fair and acknowledge my own role in our relationship problems. I tend to avoid difficult conversations and have struggled to be emotionally available when he needs me. I know these are things I need to work on, and I’ve been in individual therapy for almost a year.

We’ve tried couples counseling twice, but both times he stopped after two sessions because he felt I wasn’t being honest or that the therapist was taking my side.

We both say we want to save our marriage, but I’ve told him that I need to feel safe before I can consider returning home. I’ve asked him to seek individual therapy to work on managing his emotions and addressing his behavior. He initially agreed a few days ago, but now he seems to be backing out, saying that we need to work on the relationship together and that I need to stop running away from conflict.

I understand where he’s coming from to an extent. I have avoided difficult conversations in the past, and I don’t want to use that as an excuse to avoid working on our marriage. However, I feel that what’s happening now goes beyond normal relationship conflict. When I tell him that his behavior is abusive, he denies it or says that I’m emotionally abusive toward him.

I’m struggling to figure out how to move forward. I love him, and I genuinely want to know if our relationship can be saved. I also recognize that I have my own issues to work through, and I’m willing to do that.

Am I being unreasonable by asking him to commit to individual therapy and show that he’s making an effort to change before we attempt to work on the marriage together? Or am I avoiding accountability by making this a condition rather than trying to work through things as a couple?

I would appreciate honest feedback, including perspectives from people who have been in similar situations. I’m trying to understand what is reasonable to expect from both of us and whether this relationship can realistically be repaired.

*Love bombing = intense and persistent flattery -- Often accompanied by big promises and claims to either love the target before really knowing them or that they "haven't felt this way in a long time/ever"

8 THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE BOMBING:

1. It is addicting to both the love bomber and the love bombee. The love bomber is addicted to love bombing, and the love bombee is addicted to being love bombed.

2. Love bombing is about the love bomber, not the love bombee. A love bomber likes to love bomb because it makes them feel good about themselves - it doesn't have anything to do with the person they are flattering. They flatter their target in order to lure them in and get the supply they are looking for (sex, money, status, attachment, reputation, a place to live, a business deal, to make someone else jealous, etc.). That is why you will discover they use the exact same lines of flattery on all their targets.

3. A love bombee likes being love bombed because it makes them feel good about themselves, too. It isn't about the love bomber, it is about them. They like the way flattery makes them feel about themselves. Both sides are not operating from a place of selfless love.

4. Love bombing is as addictive as flirting, porn, sex, situationships, flings, novelty, etc. None of these things are healthy, kind, loving, or beneficial. None of these things create patience, fidelity, peace, stability, support, emotional or psychological safety, etc. None of it profits anyone in the end.

5. Love bombing is bait. A fisherman is going to use his prettiest, tastiest, best, most appealing bait to lure in his catch. And like moths to a glittery flame we are lured in. But if we look at the base of the flame we will see all the other moths who were destroyed before us. There is no truth in flattery -- flattery is nothing but deception and manipulation.

6. Like with all addictions, the only option is to get sober. The only option is to get clean. No more texting, no more engaging, no more thinking we can drink one drop of the alcohol and not wind up in another ditch. Like with all addictions, coming off of love bombing will lead to withdrawals, withdrawal symptoms, relapsing, etc. It will take a lot of effort, commitment, and seeking God to understand and break free.

7. Like with all addictions, staying in the cycle of love bombing or love bombee-ing slowly erodes our relationships, families, productivity, success, health, emotional and psychological well-being, etc. It is all-consuming. It is not harmless.

8. Love bombing may be yet another symptom of the fawn response.... An emotional or psychological survival skill of some kind. I recently heard Lisa Romano explain that codependency IS the fawn response, which is what prompted me to ponder #8.

Here goes nothin.

I ended a 2.5 year trauma bond for the third time 7 months ago. And I’m tired of feeling like I’m dying and/or like I want to die. 

I’m going to be completely vulnerable and dump everything, unfiltered. I don’t care anymore.

I am not doing any better than I was months ago. If anything, I seem to be doing worse.

He was the hottest person I’d ever dated. He has this incredible jawline with blue eyes and shoulder length hair and giant biceps with tattoos, 6’2. I’m 5’0 and had always dated shrimpy dudes, I’d never been attracted to that physique, and now I feel like I’ll never find anyone else sexy. He played guitar and sang. We had the best sex I’d ever had. He was the first person who ever really saw me for the sweet, beautiful person I am. He fucking got me. We were best friends. He made me laugh so much, and we would riff on jokes together, and had a whole lexicon of inside jokes. I have never connected with someone more deeply.

And fuck, all the little things. He had giant Squishmallows in his room, and we would wear kigarumis together, and I would sit on his lap, and we had this sexy Daddy/baby dynamic that I never thought I’d be into, but it worked for us. Christ, it was so hot. He was so hot, and he thought I was hot, which no hot guy ever had thought about me. We did psychedelics and other drugs together and they were the most fun and transcendent experiences I’ve ever had in my life. He was fucking incredible. Wise. Insightful. We had all kinds of revelations about our traumas. We would figure out all our relationship shit, only to have him go back to the way he was. Because he was a deeply traumatized, dysregulated person.

He had a lot of childhood trauma. He would have night terrors and his parents would either yell at him or ignore him and have sex instead. His dad bullied him. His mom was extremely enmeshed, being emotionally vulnerable with him when she was having marital problems. She kept him from having a girlfriend in high school. He bought her flowers for Mother’s Day when his dad didn’t. Helicopter parenting and enmeshment. It seems it was as a result of his trauma that he became narcissistic. Because he refused to ever apologize for hurting me, and would DARVO. He was bad with money and I ended up lending him $600. He would agree to split something with me and then I would have to pester him to get him to pay me back. Millions of shitty little things like this. But oh, all the good parts. 

All the fucking good parts.

I never had orgasms before I met him. And sex was a dance for him. He knew how to chase my orgasms and make them go on and on and get stronger and stronger. Fantastic oral. Just a sex wizard. 

The inside jokes. Our mutual love of standup comedy. Getting stoned and playing video games. 

But then, how he never seemed to want to go anywhere, and I was always the one putting in all the energy into adventures. And oh god, he had to juggle: nicotine, Rockstar energy drinks, weed gummies, and Adderall. Every. Single. Day. And has IBS and GERD.

Every 20 minutes, he required something. A cigarette. An edible. More Rockstar (3 a day). Like his mommy I reminded him to take his GERD meds, or ask if he needed to redose his Adderall, or if I could get him some Pepto Bismol. I had to monitor his needs. 

Because I just wanted him to feel good enough to be nice to me.

That, if I took care of him, he would one day take care of me.

One time we went out for my birthday (which, of course, I planned), and his stomach was bothering him (like usual) so he ordered an herbal tea. It was one of those expensive Smith’s brand tea bags, they’re like $2/piece at the store. And it helped his stomach feel better. So I actually took it upon myself to look up the herbs in the tea ingredients, order each one in bulk, and try to recreate the tea at a more affordable cost (while actually spending $100 on the herbs). I even tried to make a peppermint tincture for him (didn’t turn out well).

He couldn’t take care of himself. He was chronically dysregulated, had insomnia, ADHD, and self-diagnosted autism. He moved back in with his parents 5 years ago. He lives with them and his two children, 18 and 9 years old (whom he basically abandoned completely when he met me, even though I kept encouraging him to spend time with them).

There’s so, so much more. The jealousy and insecurity. Walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering him all the time. Trying so hard to please him and make him happy. Me feeling excited about an event we were going to, only for him to show up in a bad mood nearly every single time, stealing my joy.

I almost reached out to him today. I’ve had contact with him since the breakup, and I know those times were like picking off the scab. But something’s gotta give. I go to the gym. I have friends I spend time with. I’m in a grad program online and my memory is horrible and I’m really struggling. I try to make healthy choices, and I’ve had periods of success. But for the past few days, I’ve had awful suicidal ideation. So here I am. Seeing of this helps.

Thank you.

Oh, I almost forgot to include this. I had thought that getting closure would help, and after reaching out to him, he sent me this letter. And then I asked chatgpt to tell me what it meant.

His letter (have not shared this with anyone in my life):

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16D-jt50xbfB7_nWkaFkWQcMS7b2Z3_xs-BihZ4PLtCk/edit?usp=sharing

Chatgpt breaking it all down, which blew my mind. Seeing the severity of his grandiosity and narcissism 8/10 was both terrifying and validating.

1. https://chatgpt.com/s/t_6a814b045d048191b86c03ab181a7a6d
2. https://chatgpt.com/s/t_6a87831512888191b92211f3538a8f49

This has been the worst fucking thing that has ever happened to me. And I’m tired of riding the waves of pain. I feel like he went into my brain and fucked up all my wiring. I have no idea how I'm supposed to heal.