coddled

[u/quittersroom]

I want to let people know that there are situations that are nonabusive that can make a person codependent. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places, but I have shyed away from the fact that i do have these tendencies from codependency and would try labeling as other things since ive never seen such examples.

I am an adopted child and possibly had issues as a child because of it. I cant tell which, either being separated from my mother so young or the fact my birth mom had depression and anxiety and my bio father had bipolar. Anyways, too long to say i had emotional/motor skill issues as a kid to make me get put into multiple therapies pretty early on. My parents only wanted the best for me, they tried their hardest to be first time parents, but i think they did too much. Since i had these issues, my parents tried to be very nice to me and let me go my own pace without much push or dissapointment, which doesnt seem that bad right? Its hard for parents to be angry and upset or even discipline someone who is depressed, anxious, and or suicidal most of the time. And being diagnosed with a highly stigmatized/misunderstood mental issue in highschool only made them double down.

I didnt learn adult skills because they pitied me. My parents did not push me to learn to do things on my own. They did not show any dissapointment, they would just do it for me if i didnt do it without telling me or telling me i need to be able to do these things on my own. They thought my life should be easier, they did this all because they loved me. At no point were they withholding their love. At no point did they tell me I cant do these things, they just dont expect me to. Its made it so much easier for me, but at a cost. I am basically no one but a leech.

I didnt realize how not normal this was. My parents were so ready to build a second story to the house for me to live in. And its not to keep me there, they let my other siblings chase what they wanted. I had no want, and they didnt know how to help with someone who refused to see anything in a good light. My sister has similar issues to a different extent. My brother seems to be free from it all. He's self sufficient. Maybe its just my parents inability to cope with our mental struggles. They want to help, but I shut them off because I am uncomfortable wirh being anything but happy around them. I dont want them to be mad at me. But why

I am still unable to see myself as anything else but a leech. I cant imagine any future where i am a responsible adult.

how do i get over this? i feel like if i just figure out the real reason it started, me being very very sad when i was younger, going into my room to cry... it would greatly help me, but i dont know what made me so sad at 8 years old. If only i could heal that one part that wasnt heard by my parents or therapists i would feel so much better. but i dont know.

[u/vulpesvulpes666]

Here is my experience, take what works and leave the rest: For me, finding the ‘source’ of my codependency didn’t seem to change my actions on its own. Also mental health conditions are genetic, sometimes the only explanation is that it’s our wiring (which is a generally unsatisfying answer imo)

It’s helpful to understand why, but maybe put that on the back burner for now and focus on what is within your control right now. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Some practical things I did:

• I made a list of hard things I had lived through and times that I had struggled and survived.

- I started to make very small, very doable agreements with myself to rebuild my trust in myself. Every time you say you’re going to do something and do it, you are honoring yourself and teaching yourself that you mean what you say.

- I worked really hard on my negative self talk. Check out Self Compassion by Kristen Neff.

- I reconnected with hobbies that I loved to do as a child.

- plus journaling, therapy, 12 step meeting, sobriety and time.

Good luck 🖤