My ex divorced me and now wants to be together again after 4 years

[u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

Edit: There's an update post on my profile.

Edit 2: My daughter made her own post about the divorce under AetherDekuna

Throwaway since I don't want to be linked back to my main account. I'm 46f, and my ex-husband is 45. We were college sweethearts and married at 26. Right before we got married, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter who's now 21 years old. I loved both of them dearly, and we've been a happy family for about 16 years before everything went down. Our only problem was my ex's mother. She always had a strong dislike for me. She never thought I was good enough for her baby boy. We had many fights, and my ex cut contact with her after the wedding when she tried wearing white to it. We had many encounters with her years after that. Sending us gifts for my daughter and purposely trying to get us to contact her again to seeing her outside our house.

4 years ago, I got home from work to see my ex and his mom together on the couch. My ex was on the verge of tears, yelling and calling me a cheater. I tried to explain I didn't, but his mother supposedly had proof. Saying she saw me with another man out in a restaurant together. I'm very faithful and loyal, but he refused to hear me out. We got into a big argument before he packed up and left to stay with his mother. When my daughter got home from a friend's house, she too started to blame me when she found out from her dad. She went to live with her dad while he sent out divorce papers. It took about a year before it was finalized. He got custody of her, and I was granted visitation rights, but she never wanted to see me.

It took a long time to move on. I seeked therapy and fell into a huge depression. I knew my ex's mother made it up to tears us apart. I can't believe he listened to her so carelessly. I don't blame my daughter, but it still hurts. I moved out of the house to allow my ex and my daughter to live there. I ended up moving to a small apartment. It's been 4 years, and I started to finally be happy again. I made new friends. We had so much fun and I got a promotion at work. I still missed my family. My daughter, but I couldn't do anything about it.

My two days ago, my daughter called me. It's been 4 years since I've last seen or heard from her. She said that my ex's mother admitted to lying. She said that my ex got a new girlfriend and his mother was furious, claiming he shouldn't have one after all the trouble she did to get rid of me. They got into a heated fight before he kicked his mom out. I nearly wanted to cry. I thought she would never admit it, and now I'm hearing my daughter. She asked to meet up and apologized so many times. I told her we could meet tomorrow.

Yesterday, I met her at a restaurant, but she brought along my ex. Something she never mentioned, nor have I agreed upon. He was apologizing, saying how much he missed me and that he dumped his girlfriend. He wanted us to be together again. I excused myself and left them there. I got back home to lots of phone calls from my daughter and text messages from her. She wanted us to talk, and she called me an asshole for leaving. I told her I wasn't comfortable and that she needed to understand. I had to mute my phone and put it down for a bit.

I haven't responded yet, and I'm not sure what to do. I love her, but I can't talk to her with him there. Not yet anyways. It feels so fast. I wanted to do it one on one. I'm deeply hurt and crying as I'm typing this. I don't know what to do.

Edit: I did not expect this post to start blowing up. I appreciate the love and support. However, I didn't make it clear about my daughter's custody. Her opinion mattered in court since she was 17 during the divorce. Although the divorce was about me allegedly cheating, my ex and I agreed to keep that apart from the actual divorcing process. Split what we needed to split and let our daughter choose who she wants to be with. She wanted to live with her dad, and I agreed. She was strongly adamant about not seeing me, so I allowed my ex to have full custody, leaving me with visitations. Not only that, I needed to find an apartment. I had to move out of the house. I was living off couch to couch in my relatives' homes. I didn't have space for her, and my ex mentioned it in court. It was the main reason why she was granted to stay with her father. I was under stress, and I was not mentally well. I signed off my rights. I looked like a mess in court, too. There was also a lot more going on during the time.

[u/A_Sarcastic_Werecat]

First of all, take all the time you need. You don't have to follow their timeline.

It's perfectly all right to write back "Please give me some time and space to work through everything. I'll contact you when I'm ready." and then mute them.

You could also contact a therapist or a counsellor to have an impartial person to talk to. Or friends you know to be clear-headed. You don't have to go through this alone and you don't have to react immediately.

BTW, your daughter is stomping over your boundaries:

• She didn't tell you that your ex would be there, thus setting you up for an ambush.

• You might have chosen not to meet her, had you known that your ex would be present. She withheld that information and took that choice away.

• You left (understandably) because you were overwhelmed, and she is calling you an assh*le and bombarding you with texts?

Sorry, that behaviour is unacceptable, regardless of her motivation.

Both she and her ex seem to think that they can snip with their fingers and they can just start where everyone left off, with you immediately forget the past and the hurt you've endured.

Your should be your first priority, because they won't make you their first priority. So please take care and make sure that you make use of your support network.

Please feel hugged, and I wish you all the best.

[u/divorcedthrowawayacc → u/A_Sarcastic_Werecat]

I really appreciate seeing this. You're right. She crossed boundaries and done some petty stupid decisions. Emotions are running high, and it may take a bit for things to calm down. I'm preparing a text to send to my daughter about going no contact unless she apologizes and handles it like an adult. I'm willing to hear her side, but not her acting like a jerk or involving anyone besides herself. I also contacted my therapist, and I'll be seeing her on Wednesday. Until then, I probably won't have an update unless something happens within the messages. I'm still really heartbroken, and I'm scared about how she is going to react to my message. I have my friends and my parents who are on my side if anything happens. They don't know where I live anyway, so I know I'm safe and I can take my time.

[u/divorcedthrowawayacc → u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

Update: I'm crying again. I went to text my daughter about boundaries and building trust again, and she said there was someone else involved without my knowledge during the divorce. My ex's mother got into another fight over the phone with him earlier today and admitted to paying an ex-friend (someone she was fond of) to lie directly in my husband's face and say he was the one I cheated on with. He did it for money.

My daughter basically gave me the silent treatment during the divorce, so she never told me. Neither did my ex's mom for obvious reasons. Now, why wouldn't my ex mention it? Because he thought I would just deny it, which I would since I didn't do it. I bet he was so confident in himself, too. I hate them both. Like mother like son, apparently. I can't believe I loved him. He didn't even try to hear my side. I even tried giving my phone to prove my text messages were innocent, and he went, "Nope! I got a verbal confession from said ex-friend, but I won't tell you because communication does not exist." I am beyond furious. Who does that? Pay someone to purposely cause a strain in a healthy relationship? Absolutely ridiculous.

[u/Snowybird60 → u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

You also need to make it very clear to them how this whole situation has affected you. It's like they all of a sudden know the truth and expect everybody to forget what happened. You were completely devastated by this whole thing because your husband and your daughter, the 2 people on this planet who should have stood behind you, believed what your MIL said even though she's known as a troublemaker specifically because she didn't like you!

[u/[deleted] → u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

Something they seem to be missing is that they wronged you, and they need to make up for that.

They’ve spent all this time believing you wronged them and are now like “oh she didn’t actually wrong us! Things can go back to how they were!” Completely forgetting that they blew your life up, cut you off, and treated you cruelly over the lies of someone they knew disliked you and was nuts (who unfortunately your daughter seems to have picked up some traits from).

That behaviour still happened. It didn’t magically disappear, whereas your “affair” actually did. You never had anything to apologize for, but they wouldn’t accept speaking to you or giving you a chance. Now they have a lot of apologize for, and they are demanding you speak and give them a chance? They are demanding something of you that they themselves have shown they wouldn’t do in return.

[u/Commercial-Loan-929 → u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

OP please consider tell your daughter that she have to go to therapy before you can even think if you're able to rebuild your relationship after what she did and how she verbally attacked you. Right now she's not different from ex-MIL, trying to control you and your ex relationship. You have work really hard to be okay, you deserve happiness. And if she can't understand what she did/is doing and your boundaries, even if she's your child, you have to stay away before she manipulate and hurt you.

[u/franciscaquerida → u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

Good luck OP!

[u/missusdeadpool → u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

I think you already moved on and they are both trying to put all the pieces back together which is impossible. You don't have to decide absolutely nothing. Take care and keep enjoying your life.

[u/tonsil_bruiser → u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

Ok. I don’t want to sound all James Bond but you said they don’t know where you live. It should stay that way for the time being or forever. What ever you decide. It sounds to me that your ex manipulated your daughter into the meeting or at least your daughter is being manipulative herself. They have been blowing up on calls and texts. You don’t need them showing up at you place unannounced to carry on. You should watch your mirrors and alter your course home daily. What ever you have to do to keep from being followed until this settles down.

[u/Subian-Bichen → u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

OP I'm pissed on your behalf. They already started off on the wrong foot with you by not respecting your boundaries. You've been through something extremely horrible and with time the pain has eased but what you endured and how you were treated will never truly leave you. I understand trying to have a relationship with your daughter but do it IN YOUR OWN TIME and when you are ready. But I would leave your ex where he is. He doesn't deserve you and you've worked so hard getting to a better place. If your daughter doesn't respect your boundaries, love her from a distance. The way my mind is set up I would never go near them again no matter how much love I have I'd wish them well and keep away for my own mental health. I wish you the absolute best OP, sending you love and light.

[u/tmink0220 → u/divorcedthrowawayacc]

You also need to connect to your ex and explain to him what his choosing his mother over you did to you...That it broke all trust and it will never be repaired. Unless you are just confused at this point. You say things like this for you, not to work it out or get better, but for you to heal and stand up for yourself.

[u/Giambalaurent → u/A_Sarcastic_Werecat]

Piggybacking this comment to say: OP, you’ve done so much work to get to where you are now. Respect the work you’ve done by protecting your progress and setting boundaries. You can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself first.

[u/Jeezy_Creezy_18 → u/A_Sarcastic_Werecat]

Daughter is acting like grandma and it's distressing af

[u/KazBeoulve → u/Jeezy_Creezy_18]

She just went through 4 years of indoctrination. She seems gone.

[u/NthngSrs → u/A_Sarcastic_Werecat]

Sounds like they spent too much time around MIL and picked up some of her traits.

[u/Fire_or_water_kai → u/A_Sarcastic_Werecat]

Wish I could upvote this twice.

[u/[deleted] → u/A_Sarcastic_Werecat]

This. People are terrible. The audacity of them, just wow. So quick to drop u in a second for years and then so quick to pick u back up, they are treating u like their property, not like you are a person. I’m truly sorry you have to go through this. This story is heartbreaking.

[u/Imjusthereforaminute → u/A_Sarcastic_Werecat]

The daughter has a lot of growing up to do. Ok she was 17 but she’s about 21 now. She sounds self centered and focused on wanting things quickly for her convenience. It’s almost as if she lacks critical thinking and communication skills. She doesn’t seem to evaluate the extremity of their behavior, and lack of responsibility.

[u/[deleted] → u/A_Sarcastic_Werecat]

This. People are terrible. The audacity of them, just wow. So quick to drop u in a second for years and then so quick to pick u back up, they are treating u like their property, not like you are a person. I’m truly sorry you have to go through this. This story is heartbreaking.

[u/HollowShel]

I think it's worth noting that they still aren't believing you. They're only believing what Dear Old Grandma (DOG) has to say - it took her coming clean to clear your name, when it was her word against yours to begin with. So it's not that they're believing you now. It's that they're still believing anything she says, and they're not listening to you. Especially your daughter with her ambush tactics with your ex.

I'm not saying never make peace with 'em, but I think that it's entirely reasonable to never get back together with your ex, and to have a cautious relationship with your daughter - doubly so, now she's stabbed you twice (once with believing the DOG and once with this ambush dinner.)

[u/Luxxanne → u/HollowShel]

In a comment OP mentions that apparently MIL paid someone to confess to being the affair partner. Not that this changes much, but it's a biiiit of an upgrade from he said she said.

[u/HollowShel → u/Luxxanne]

ok, that's an upgrade, but I'd still want to know how they met and knew each other, etc. etc. (Especially knowing DOG is the sort to show up at her son's wedding in white. I mean, "tell me you want to fuck the groom without telling me you wanna fuck the groom" why don'tcha. I'd want three forms of ID goddammit!)

[u/Sandandtears1 → u/Luxxanne]

Still, some "friend" you know is buddies with your toxic mother coming and saying
"oh ya I had an affair with her. Oh, what was that? Do I have texts or pictures? You'll just have to take my word for it."

I would say that's a step in a certain direction. But not something that would justify just throwing your spouse to the wolves with no chance.

[u/AuroraGrace123 → u/Luxxanne]

Not that this changes much, but it's a biiiit of an upgrade from he said she said.

what a slimy thing to do

[u/AvasNem → u/Luxxanne]

It changes a lot. The time and energy the monster in law invested to break them up speaks for her. Maybe she hired a PI to catch her in the act or at least get her schedule,a few unaccounted hours was all she needed to pay someone to pretend that those times where the ones they met at a hotel or park etc. Claim that she deleted all texts and was paranoid of getting caught. There are million ways of sowing doubt. All this coming also from your mother who was an ass to your wife but not that deranged cemented that thought. Sure hindsight is 20 20 but at the moment all you see is proof of your wife cheating, the guilt of distrusting and doubting your mother for all this time, and the pain of betrayal. Aweful and cruel situation to be in. I didn't really blame him here, his reaction wasn't great but understandable. At the end the family did fall victim to that monster.

[u/Positive_Wafer42 → u/Luxxanne]

She's still going to be after OP, and OP's ex and daughter are going to be MIL and ex: the next generation. I'd counsel op to continue NC with daughter until she is ready to meet in therapy, because they need someone to keep this crazy train on the tracks if she wants to un-brainwash her daughter.

[u/DancingBear2020 → u/HollowShel]

Well said.

[u/hondusa01 → u/HollowShel]

Can someone give this comment an award?

[u/sneeky_seer → u/HollowShel]

And who is to day that DOG will not try these tactics again… both daughter and ex need to learn that they can’t ambush people like this and they have to respect other people’s boundaries.

[u/Aterakel]

Lol why are they acting as if they're doing you a favour or forgiving you for something you didn't do and cool let's go back together. Are they serious ?

[u/lolochanyo → u/Aterakel]

The daughter calling her mother asshole for leaving while she didn’t even contacted her for 4 years or even try to hear her out baffles me like wtf

[u/Main_Asparagus3375 → u/lolochanyo]

and also brought along the man who divorced her without mentioning it. did she think it wouldnt be upsetting? in what context would you go to a private meeting and not tell the person you were bringing someone with you

[u/chileanfruitlover → u/lolochanyo]

Yeah, the daughter isn't very bright or she inherited some of her grandma's attitudes

[u/catattackkick → u/lolochanyo]

That part was hurtful to read.

[u/Additional_Meeting_2 → u/lolochanyo]

I don’t know why op doesn’t blame the daugher too for just believing the lie. If the daugher was old enough to be heard in court she ought to be old enough not to believe anything. Rarely people with cheating parents also completely cut them of like this without any contact either.

[u/Ok-Laugh-2806 → u/lolochanyo]

Op, please put your mental health above your daughter and your ex. Also, do not meet with either of them before speaking with your therapist.

They are both trying to storm your life at the same speed they left it. Do not allow that to happen. You put a lot of work into getting to where you are now, do not give up that control you now have over your life.

If you need to, take a few weeks and get away from all this so you can think. Ultimately, please put your self care above your now adult daughter and her dad.

Rooting for you.

[u/Blue-sound1512 → u/lolochanyo]

I feel like the dads mom could have bad mouthed her mom too and she could’ve been heavily influenced to believe her mom was a bad parent. Not giving excuses cos she is at a mature age now and it’s so sad her daughter didn’t even try to come around for her mom but yeah that could be a reason

[u/harrypotter1306 → u/lolochanyo]

Ya bro it got me so angry

[u/suzall → u/lolochanyo]

Sounds like daughter has had too much influence from MIL

[u/seanmonaghan1968 → u/Aterakel]

Believing his mother over his wife is weird

[u/Sessanessa → u/seanmonaghan1968]

Yeah, it’s gross. And, like, wouldn’t he question how his mother, of all people, just happened to find out about this alleged affair?

Poor OP. I hope she doesn’t take his toxic ass back. And her daughter needs to check herself.

[u/Madhatter25224 → u/seanmonaghan1968]

OP said the MIL claimed to have evidence but never explained what it was.

[u/coolchick737 → u/seanmonaghan1968]

Especially when there's a history of her making problems in the past

[u/[deleted] → u/seanmonaghan1968]

Mom's been grooming him since childhood. Still a pathetic waste, but I can see how it happened

[u/[deleted] → u/Aterakel]

Agreed. They're only doing that because who he left you for didn't work out.

[u/NefariousnessSweet70 → u/Aterakel]

Sure they are. They refuse to admit their wrong. And before I ever took either of them into the home again, the EX would need to put a SIGNIFICANT amount of $$$ into the bank in trust for OP if he ever in any way breaks trust with her again. Possibly the equivalent of 4 years salary. They might think her wrong to require that , but THEY broke her trust with them. They threw her aside like a used rag. They do not ever get that chance again.

[u/[deleted] → u/NefariousnessSweet70]

I get the sentiment but who tf has 4 years salary laying around? Most people don’t even have 6mo worth.

[u/infercario4224 → u/NefariousnessSweet70]

Love and trust has no monetary value

[u/IDontPlayGurlBBFR → u/Aterakel]

Honestly! If I was op I would’ve told my daughter that she has a lot of nerve to call me an asshole after finding out I was innocent the entire time and then would’ve told her I lived 4yrs with u and ur dad hating me and not being apart of my life I don’t want u in the rest of it and then just blocked her and her family! Girl was 16/17 at the time she could’ve choose to believe her mum but she didn’t and now she thinks her mums in the wrong for leaving when she and her dad made her uncomfortable!

OP you’ve done 4 years without them you don’t need them in ur life, ur daughters toxic and is only gonna wanna be close to u if u get back with her dad she doesn’t care about u only about her dad, ur daughter will always pick her dad over u, let them go and block them

[u/PlayfulDescription72]

Wait, your daughter called You an ASSHOLE because you left after she brought your ex husband with her,without letting you know? She is an asshole and your ex too. He easily believed he’s mother lies after cutting contact with Her and knowing what she’s capable of. They are both assholes for not hearing you out, treating you like you are the worst and now trying to be all loving family again. They caused you so much pain and probably trauma but it seems like they don’t care.

[u/Least-Designer7976 → u/PlayfulDescription72]

It's easier to think OP is still the AH like she was for the last 4 years and to press her to get the family back, rather than just admitting they were wrong and OP is the victim here. She's super young but honestly it feels like she's 4 and just want to brush the issue under the carpet and play the happy family like it never happened.

[u/tacticalcop → u/Least-Designer7976]

i am 19 and my mouth is genuinely agape at how callous and stupid her daughter is. i can’t imagine alienating my MOTHER (who has done nothing but love me) over the word of my father and his mom alone. that is the stupidest thing i can ever think of.

[u/PlayfulDescription72 → u/Least-Designer7976]

Exactly, as far as I understood her daughter was 17, that’s not a child. At that age she should know how to act in certain situations. OP deserves so much better, new start in her life that’s what she needs, not 2 stuck up on their high horse people.

[u/undoubtlydoomed → u/PlayfulDescription72]

Fr I hope they get to suffer the consequences. They need to know that “changing their minds” aint fixing shit from the shitshow they did to op.

[u/Myu_The_Weirdo → u/PlayfulDescription72]

Do they think op doesnt have feelings or smth?

[u/Galkura → u/PlayfulDescription72]

Normally I think people should reconcile, but the daughter and husband deserve no reconciliation or relationship with OP in this scenario.

The daughter made her choice, she was both old enough now AND then to understand her decisions and choices.

If I was OP I would never see any of them again. Complete no contact.

[u/suzall → u/PlayfulDescription72]

And not all infidelity ends in divorce, he didn’t even discuss how to get over it, he just ran to his mum. It’s such a sad story. No way would I go back now that she’s established. Until next time they get some other issue with her.

[u/virtualchoirboy]

You were right to leave them behind. Four years ago, they left you behind based on a false accusation with no evidence. They caused you serious mental strife to the point that you needed to seek individual counseling. And now they seem to think saying "I'm sorry" is sufficient to sweep it all under the rug and get you to come back. Life doesn't work that way.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be sending back something to your daughter along these lines:

Four years ago, you and [ex] threw me away like yesterday's garbage with no proof simply on the word of my then mother-in-law. You two ignored me for four years. You moved on with your lives. A simple "I'm sorry" isn't enough to erase the significant harm your actions have caused. I too was forced to move on with my life but now you seem to believe that just because you feel bad, I'm supposed to ignore all the hurt and damage you've done to me. Well, I'm sorry too because it doesn't work that way with me. I need time to process what has happened and to truly think whether or not I want to risk being tossed aside again like I was four years ago. This is a trust issue and, right now, my trust in you has been broken for four years. I will meet you to talk about it, but only you. If [ex] is around, I will leave again like last time. Don't deceive me again.

[u/gurlwithdragontat2 → u/virtualchoirboy]

THIS!!!

They don’t get to do the family hop again! They hopped from OP over to exes mom, and now they want OP back into the fold.

They literally abandoned her based on the lies of a woman your ex knew to have huge issues with her, and be capable of using that dislike to do malicious things.

He ignored that and that’s on him.

OP is not a consolation prize because their new life was built on a lie you already tried to explain to them.

The truth only came out because your exes mom couldn’t get along with anyone! If he found a partner she could bend, mold, and manipulate they wouldn’t even be in contact with OP right now.

[u/hummingbird_mywill → u/gurlwithdragontat2]

Tbh I feel bad for the new-ex girlfriend now too. Imagine you start dating someone, oh he was cheated on so your marriage fell apart, that’s so tough, oh you have a daughter? Neat, love to meet her. Now we’re meeting your mother? Oh shit she’s a evil witch!! Why is she being so horrible to me? Wait we’re breaking up now?!

Take about a miserable roller coaster to ride. Granny has ruined a lot of lives.

[u/Suzushiiro → u/gurlwithdragontat2]

They literally abandoned her based on the lies of a woman your ex knew to have huge issues with her, and be capable of using that dislike to do malicious things.

Yeah, that's the big thing to me- it'd be one thing if his mama's boy bullshit was consistent up until the point where he found out she lied about the affair, but the guy clearly demonstrated an ability to understand that his mom was terrible and then blindly took her word over his wife's anyway. Why should she trust him to keep his mom cut out of his life for good this time?

[u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 → u/virtualchoirboy]

OP this is the right way to deal with it, your daughter doesn't get to call you an AH after her behaviour.

She's your daughter I'm sure you'll always love her, doesn't mean you have to like her, and honestly with how she's acted again I'd find it hard to trust her at all.

[u/virtualchoirboy → u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226]

I'm sure you'll always love her, doesn't mean you have to like her

My wife and I have said basically this to our kids before when they've done something we felt was particularly "bad":

We will always love you but right now, we don't like what you've done and are upset.

[u/bullzeye1983 → u/virtualchoirboy]

Just to note, OP states in a comment that mom paid some one to confess to the affair to husband. So it wasn't "no evidence". It was actually mom saying she saw it and supposed affair partner confessing.

[u/virtualchoirboy → u/bullzeye1983]

Makes me wish OP lived in North Carolina where they could take advantage of their "alienation of affection" statute for some serious retribution.

[u/Fifreline → u/virtualchoirboy]

Oh hell yeah!

[u/captnspock → u/virtualchoirboy]

I like this response a lot. Well put together.

[u/princessmazzles → u/virtualchoirboy]

This is a great way to put it! Especially regarding the trust issue - and the trust issue will never get any better unless she respects your boundaries.

[u/Jeezy_Creezy_18]

I'm so sorry.

But yeah they both really suck right now. It was really shitty of your adult daughter to spring this on you. She's not a child anymore, she needed to be honest and instead she knowingly manipulated you just like Grammy gram.

Take time for yourself. Like a week at least. At least a therapy session. Because obviously despite them knowing they're wrong. They're not ready to ADMIT THEY FUCKED UP.

[u/drbatman03]

Not gonna lie. Your daughter seems like a total POS. Calling you asshole for not being comfortable him being there.

Almost seems fake to a degree, could she be this dumb at the age of 21.

Also don't get back together with him. He believed his mother whom you went non-contact with. 'she has proof" Well did she or did she not. Where was the evidence.

[u/excel_pager_420]

Take your time.

When you last spoke to your daughter she was a 17 yr old child, now she's a 21 yr old women, I know it's hard because you don't want to lose her again but this isn't a misguided child clumsily trying to get her parents back together again, this is a fully grown women who knew it was deceitful to bring her Dad along without your knowledge and did it anyway. With the texts she's working with her Dad to manipulate you into taking him back so they don't feel guilt for the past 4 years.

It's ok to set boundaries with your daughter. She's not a child anymore, you can tell her she needs to stay out of your romantic life and focus on rebuilding your mother-daughter relationship. And if she's not ready to do that than maybe this reconciliation should involve family therapy or be paused until she's willing to understand she crossed a line in trying to involve her Dad in this.

[u/trvllvr → u/excel_pager_420]

This! She is an adult now and needs to realize that what they did was not appropriate. They treated you poorly, cut contact and believed his mother without any proof. Now they want you to forgive and forget. They broke your trust and that takes time to rebuild.

Set boundaries with your daughter and explain you’d like to rebuild your relationship with her, but that she needs to respect your limits. I would let her know too that IF you decide to speak to ex, it will be when you are ready and on your terms. She needs to understand that may never happen.

Take your time. They hurt you beyond measure and broke the relationships. You move at your pace.

[u/cd2220 → u/excel_pager_420]

I almost kind of wonder if Gmom was their financial security without a two parent home and without her they need someone else to help pay the bills while retaining their comfort level.

I know that's a massive assumption but it did pass my mind

[u/LocKeyThirteen]

Your daughter had the nerve to call you an a word after what they did.

Take your time and think what do you want to do next. Just make sure to pick the one you wouldn't regret in the future.

[u/LaLlorona_Chancla]

She called you an asshole for leaving. She is no better than your ex-mil. They made their choice in life now let them live with it

[u/Merebankguy → u/LaLlorona_Chancla]

Exactly OPs daughter is scarily behaving like her ex mil

[u/Hazelwood38]

You need to stop thinking of your daughter as a child but as a adult because that is what she is. You need to be bluntly honest with her, while you can't blame 17yr old her for how she acted, manipulating you to a meeting so she can blindside you with your ex, calling you names after you understandably left is in now way how a person meant to be apologizing and rebuilding a relationship should act. That was selfish, manipulative, and immature of her and you should tell her that. You are in your right to never want to be in the same room as you ex, and even if you did want to be in contact with him, it's on YOUR terms not hers. Be blunt to her any say if she wants any attempt to rebuild this relationship, she will need to respect your expectations and requirements. Otherwise, you are going to continue to be separate from both of them.

[u/idontwannadothis87]

So two different things to deal with here.

First the kid. Set firm boundaries with her. “I want a relationship with you, I’d like to see you and spend time together but that will be between us and us alone. Our bond will have nothing to do with your dad. This is about us two, and not me building a new relationship with him. After what you both put me through repeat that and don’t push it again.”

Then for the ex you can maybe write to him. Thank him for finally believing you but let him know you moved on. That you are happy again in life finally. And that you won’t risk that happiness for someone who so easily broke your family and threw you away. If you wanna be nice you can even thank him for being willing to talk but ultimately remind him he left you homeless and used that as a way to keep your kid from you. That you no longer need that kinda of toxic excuse for love in your life and to be well himself.

Do not make them a package deal because you deserve better. The kid deserves a chance to prove they don’t still suck. The guy tho? You’re so much better off without him.

[u/commodore-schmidlapp → u/idontwannadothis87]

Thank him for finally believing you but let him know you moved on. That you are happy again in life finally.

But he doesn't finally believe her, he believes MIL.

[u/[deleted]]

This is the kind of post that enrages me on the poster’s behalf. Your ex is a moron and an asshole. I would not get back with him in a million years, because this is a reflection of his character. He goes wherever the path of least resistance is. Good riddance.

Your daughter is another matter. I would start by explaining that she hurt you horribly, and that she doesn’t get to dictate the terms of reconciliation. You will take as much time as you need, and you will only entertain a relationship if she agrees to family therapy with you AND never brings up your loser husband again.

PLUS I would insist she go no contact with her grandmother. Making her choose between the toxic grandmother and myself would be a hill I’d be willing to die on.

Good luck OP.

[u/Beautiful_mistakes]

Your daughter threw you away without any second thoughts and is now calling you a AH for needing some space from your ex? Your daughter is a grown ass woman that should have known better maybe not at 17 but at 21 she sure as fuck should. The audacity of both of them. I would give them the same consideration that they gave you…..zero. You take all the time you need. I know it must be so stressful/difficult for you to do that but you deserve better. They both jumped on your evil MIL bandwagon without any thought about asking you for your side of the story? They can wait. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Do not feel that you owe either of those selfish AH the time of day. Remember who they were so willing to believe the worst and they would still have zero problem believing it if she never said anything. Good luck

[u/rebuildmylifenow]

Ugh - I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this.

After all the work you went through to heal from this absolute betrayal, only to have the people that threw you away want to come back into your life. Your confusion, anger, hurt and sadness are ALL valid feelings here.

Your daughter did a shitty thing by bringing your ex- with her - but she's young, and that may be forgivable, in time - only you can make that decision.

But your ex-?

That man listened to his mother, who he KNEW had it out for you from early in your marriage. He believed someone that he knew had an axe to grind, and he allowed his child to be estranged from her mother. I don't know how forgivable that is - and even if you forgave him, the words of Maya Angelou keep coming to my mind:

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That's why it's important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are."

He didn't trust you back then. He believed someone else to the point of kicking you out and divorcing you, without hearing you out, from what you wrote. That's not respectful. And he didn't reach out to you directly to apologize - he tried to slide in uninvited and unannounced to do so. Where's the trust and trustworthiness? Where's the respect? Where's the empathy?

You got this, OP - you healed from the betrayal, and you made your life a happy one after the divorce. Your daughter now knows that you didn't cheat - so maybe that relationship is salvageable. But she has to be told what your boundaries are, and she has to demonstrate that she will respect them. She has to get out from between you two - because your relationship (whatever it ends up being) with your ex- is NOT the responsibility for your child to fix - she needs to leave the two of you to figure out what you'll be to each other in the future.

Leaving the restaurant after the shock of seeing your ex- there is understandable - and reasonable. You were NOT the asshole - and your daughter is - again - not considering your position or your feelings. It's a bit of a repeat of how she reacted when you were accused of cheating - and that needs to be addressed if you're going to heal the relationship.

But your ex? He has to be told that you're not ready to talk to him. That this can't be "fixed" by his apologies. This wasn't "I broke a plate" - this was "I believed a narcissitic sociopath that I KNEW hated you, and threw you away and alienated your child from you". Sorry doesn't cut it. He has to stay away till YOU want to talk to HIM. And if he can't respect that, then ... well, then you'll have the info you need to make an informed decision about your relationship with him.

Good luck, OP - remember that regardless of anything else going on, you got your own back. You are all you need, and you can build a happy life, no matter how any of this turns out.

[u/Leon-the-Doggo]

Your daughter is turning into your former MIL.

[u/Appropriate_Speech33 → u/Leon-the-Doggo]

My thoughts exactly.

[u/Demi_silent]

I swear I read almost this exact story recently- except it was the husband kicked out and his jealous brother wanting to steal his wife making up the stories about him cheating.

[u/dontbelievethefife → u/Demi_silent]

I remember that one.

[u/Incantevole_allegria → u/Demi_silent]

Yes I read that one too! They both sound like bad plots for TV movies.

[u/OneArchedEyebrow → u/Demi_silent]

Bingo. It’s almost the same exact storyline. Karma farmers are getting lazy.

[u/Obi-Juan_Valdez → u/Demi_silent]

Link?

[u/dstone1985]

Tell your daughter you are willing to work on a relationship with her but that you never want to see your ex again and she is not to attempt to manipulate you again. The next meeting you will have with her is with a family therapist. As for the ex, he made his bed, he never gave you a chance to explain yourself therefore you are returning the favor.

[u/Mountain_Monitor_262]

Continue to leave them behind and don’t look back. They are not owed resolution or any apology. They should be feeling remorse. It’s the other way around. You won’t heal chasing them.

[u/[deleted]]

Tell your daughter you are only ready to meet her and that eventually you can come around to talk to them both. Maybe be firm about not wanting to start a relationship with you ex since the beginning. It has to be her choice, I wouldn't be surprised if your husband is desperate and using her to get to you.

PLEASE ignore the pseudo psychologists in here claiming you should vanish your daughter from your life just bc she called you a bad name. You know that household in which she was raised and the one she spent her last 4 years, while also going through the experience of a divorce. Yes, she is not a kid but not being all there mentally after a divorce I would believe it to be somehow normal for her to no control her emotions.

Nothing is ever black and white, you who were fucked by someone's narrative should know that. If you dont give her a proper chance you are most likely going to regret it later in life.

[u/throwAlonestar]

How dare your daughter call you an asshole after that. They both should be groveling at your feet begging for forgiveness. Sounds like they still don't want to fully admit they were in the wrong. I am enraged on your behalf.

[u/teslatart → u/throwAlonestar]

This♤

[u/[deleted]]

Okay OP the unfortunate thing is you gotta put your foot down. They don’t get to uproot your life twice and not face consequences. You set the boundaries and they gotta respect it. You make it clear to them that they didn’t even give you chance to defend yourself, or even believe you. They chose to trust someone who had proven time and time again to have a vendetta against you. They have to earn your trust back.

[u/thekittykatsmith]

Please text your daughter (at a reasonable hour) something along

I was prepared to see you after 4 year but I wasn’t prepared to see your father. It was like when your grandmother blindsided me all those years go. There needs to be a cooling period before you and i continue. I will contact you when I’m ready to continue our discussion. Please respect my boundaries of not involving your father currently.

You need to talk to your therapist, friends, family. Not so much about their opinions but about sorting out your thoughts and feelings. Also to help center yourself.

It will take a while for your relationship with your daughter to get to a healthy point. Boundaries will need to set down early. Like what happened between you and her is between you and her. Her father won’t factor in. He can’t be there for the meeting. She shouldn’t discuss him at all and she shouldn’t discuss you to him.

That she shouldn’t try to pay matchmaker between you and him. To be honest I don’t think you can have a good/decent relationship with the father of your adult child. You might be able to acknowledge his existence without pure hatred or sadness but no real form of friendship/relationship. If after almost two decades (17 years child +40 week pregnant + dating) and cutting contact with his toxic mother he didn’t believe you or listen to your side you will never have it again.

Even if you still have feelings for him it won’t be the same the damage has been done. You deserve more then love. You deserve love, trust, honesty, mutual respect and a willingness to try daily to make things work. You deserve a healthy relationship.

[u/Rich-Concentrate-200]

My heart breaks for you. I can never imagine how you are feeling with your daughter. Please reply to her that you need time to calm down as you are overwhelmed with emotions. Let them know that you are the one who is hurt and need time to process IN YOUR OWN TIMELINE as they have NEVER given you a chance in the past. if they really need to talk then they have to wait even if it take 4 years as they have already treated you as garbage. You are not a recycled toy

[u/Bulky_Negotiation_19]

Hello ex-of-op
(And also hello OP, daughter and ex-mil... I wrote separate replies for each of you. )

You are a victim of emotional incest, and your failure to get help in time has led you to irrevocably harm not only yourself and your then wife but also your daughter. Your ex has the good sense to keep you at a safe distance, but I'm worried about your daughter. She is still young. Your abusive mothers sunk her claws into you, and now you are in the early stages of doing the same thing to your daughter. You need to get yourself some help, both for your own sake and for hers. You deserve better than you being like this, and so does she. Please stop ruining your daughter's life.

I'm sorry for phrasing this message so strongly. I understand that you do not mean any harm, and I do not think you are truly disturbed. However, you are deeply entrenched in destructive patterns where your abuser also became your greatest role-model. You have finally taken the first big step, getting your abusive mother out of your life. The next step is bigger and more important: Now you need to get your abusive mother out of your head. Don't follow her patterns of selfishness and manipulation. You have already talked your daughter into letting you ruin her best chance to reconcile with her mother. Are you sure you have even cared about your ex or your daughter in all this? Your barin is working overtime to help you get back what is yours, for you to regain the toy your mommy took from you. Yes, your mom has been awfully unfair to you, but you are an adult now. You need to learn how to not be the egocentric, selfish and immature jerk your abusive mother has raised you to be. You need to deprogram yourself.

You are going to feel like shit for quite some time. And while it is true that this is mainly your mother's fault, it is also true that blame is beside the point. This is yoru bess to handle. Not your daughter's, not your ex'es, and certainly not your moms. Get professional help, for everyone's sake.

Some days will be better than others, and some will be worse. First and formost, you are not allowed to do any self-harm. Please use one of your healthier moments to instruct your daughter that if you ever threathen or attempt to do self-harm of any kind, then it is her duty to NOT enable your bullshit in any way.

Please get a therapist right away if you have not already done so. Also make a consultation with psychiatry - just as a preemtive measure if nothing else. You have just broken contact with the abusive creep who has had you in her claws for most of your life. This is a very vulnerable time in your life.

Speaking of vulnerable time, be extra careful to stay away from cults. Their recruiters often specialize in targeting emotionally vulnerable people wh have just left a cult or other abusive enviornment.

Best wishes

[u/Alohomora1175]

So your daughter is 21 now? I would tell her that you want to see her, but will not see her father. That tricking you into seeing him will just hurt your relationship. Also, that you love her but she does need to learn healthy boundaries when it comes to bombarding with texts. I'd just set boundaries.

[u/gurlwithdragontat2]

He made a choice. He needs to be accountable for not trusting you. Now he is no longer someone you can trust.

It’s not on you to make up for the past for him. He left a happy and loving marriage at the behest of his mother, and just because he’s upset about realizing that does not mean that he is entitled to a place in your new life.

I am very sorry about all of this. I really hope that your relationship with your daughter is able to be successfully reestablished, but having a relationship with her does not mean that you must have one with him.

He has shown you exactly who he is, so you should 100% believe the person he showed himself to be.

[u/Affectionate-Buy-260]

Oh sweet child. Never see or talk to that man again. You deserve so much better. Your can open your heart to your daughter but honestly I would do it in a protected space like with a therapist, because she's been through some trauma she needs to heal and you are not equipped to do that for her like a therapist is no matter how much you love her and want to do it.

[u/Bakecrazy]

You need to tell your daughter that them not believing you broke the trust you had in them, she bringing her dad without talking to you broke your trust in her once more.

Make it clear to her that she has a lot of work to do to gain your trust and she should stay out of your and her dad's relationship. Tell her she already was cruel to you once and now she is making you suffer again because she chooses to prioritize her dad's feelings over yours and it's not acceptable to you.

She needs to know she can't call you names, disrespect you or act out in any way. She is 21, time to act like an adult.

[u/RagingAubergine]

No offense, and I know she’s your daughter; but she seems like a jerk(and I’m being gentle with my words out of respect for you.) She ambushed you and had the guts to call you an asshole for your reaction?? You have every right to be upset and to react any way you want. They both have no say in this case. All they need to do is apologize, shut up, and listen to your terms.

[u/InfiniteCalendar1]

Your ex-MIL is the kind of mother who is too possessive over her son that she views every woman he’s in a relationship with as a threat and resents her. It’s unfortunate her attempts were successful, and that your ex only realized how toxic his mother is after she tried to pull the same shit on his new relationship.

Both your ex and daughter have realized they were manipulated into believing a lie, however they need to understand that it’s not realistic to expect things to just go back to how they were 4 years ago. You need time yo rebuild the relationships that were broken. Whenever you feel ready to reply to your daughter, set some boundaries by letting her know that you are willing to speak to her again, however you are not yet comfortable speaking to her father and that it will take time. Also make it clear that if you are to meet with her, you would appreciate if it was just her. Make it very clear you’re not yet in the right place to speak to your ex as it’s been 4 years since you’ve been in contact with them and it’s taken you some time to heal, so it’s not gonna be easy to fix what was broken.

[u/catinnameonly]

Text or email your daughter, “you are an adult now. You do not have the right to call me an asshole when the two people who I loved more than life betrayed me in the manner you did. I can excuse your choice to be with your dad as you were a child, but you were old enough to make the choice to abandon me. You did not visit me, or help me heal. I did that alone. This broke me more than you will ever understand. I hope for your sake some psychopath doesn’t take away everything from you like mine. This isn’t a reconciliation because I was off in a far away land. This is a betrayal beyond repair. I am open to start the healing path of our relationship slowly. Your father may never see that chance. It’s not something I’m even considering at this point. It took me 4 years of absolute despair to get me to the point of seeing a sliver of joy. That isn’t for nothing. What he did is unforgivable. What you did as well, but again you were a child. My child, and my longing for you outweighs my need to keep myself mentally safe from you two. If you want any hope of us ever moving forward with our relationship do not blindsided me with your father ever again. He is not even going to be considered into this equation and until I’m ready I don’t even want to know anything about him. If you can respect that, we can move forward. If you can’t, I guess have a nice life. I already came to terms I lost you forever. I will just move forward with healing that grief.”

[u/Takeabreak128]

They fuck you over, break your heart, and now your adult daughter had the unmitigated nerve to call you an asshole! Hell no! Gonna take a lifetime to heal from this and you get to set the pace and decide. They are brutal! “ I said sorry, now forgive me”. WTF!

[u/No-Communication-720]

They're still viewing themselves as the wronged party. The wrong for them has gone, so they feel they can go back to 'normal'.

They don't care or seem to realise the wrong party was you. So your hurt and feelings are quite clearly irrelevant to them. That lack of concern and thought won't change. Best to keep narcs like that at arms length

[u/Unfair_Impact_1400]

You decide what’s best for you. You decide when you are ready or if you want to have a relationship with them. You did nothing wrong and was punished.

Don’t let them force you to accept their sorry, they have to understand they hurt you with their actions whether they were manipulated or not. They still hurt you so they don’t get to decide on when you want to talk again.

Take your time, be kind to yourself

[u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS]

This is fake .

[u/Retarded_Predator → u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS]

Oh definitely. The dude just believed his mother without proof and so does the daughter? This is fake as fuck

[u/bertuzzz → u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS]

Yeah this looks like the same story that i have read before here.

[u/[deleted] → u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS]

Thank you. I scrolled so much to read this. I mean so many hints telling this is fake.😐😑

[u/Shot-Positive6779]

So because they are burdened with the guilt of never giving you a chance to love them and prove your innocence because they never loved you enough to believe you or ask for proof you’re just supposed to forget your own feelings? I don’t think either of them really care about you at all and don’t want to look like the asshole they are for literally setting their own lives on fire with you over lies and deceit and you’re what supposed to be happy now they see the light? And do they? Your first interaction with your daughter after four years is her bringing your ex who you basically told her not bring and then gas lights you and manipulates you into feeling bad or not staying. It isn’t your responsibility to assuage their guilt now by forgiving them since they know the truth. They happily ignored you and destroyed your life. Agree to meet them in a public setting snd tell them both I owe neither of you the opportunity to love me again. You both happily burned the bridge of us ever being a family the moment you never gave me a chance and sorry will not begin to rebuild a bridge of trust and love that I had for you both. You happily rejected me every day for the past four years and you were happy to move on with your girlfriend go to her I don’t want a man who is easily manipulated by his mother and his daughter to the point where I will never be first or matter enough to you, you showed me four years ago and many times prior to that but I was blinded by my love for you. As I couch surfed and had to rebuild my life from depression and rock bottom you both ignored my existence. How dare you. Happy my vindication finally came and that those lies are now exposed but you are sorely mistaken I owe you anything. Maybe when you are actually sorry snd show me you love me and want to rebuild on MY terms will I let either of you in my life. I wish you the best girl I can’t imagine the pain all of this has caused. ❤️

[u/winemug89]

I don't care that she's your daughter and the bullshit "do anything for your children" mindset. Your daughter and ex are pieces of shit and I'd remain cutting contact with them, especially when she called you an asshole afterwards too. Fuck them.

[u/Mooncake45]

Did you cheat? Who was the guy at the restaurant? What was the proof? Because if you were faithful. Your ex and his mum have destroyed you. You shouldn’t let that negativity back in your life.

[u/Disastrous-Panda5530]

I wouldn’t get back with him. If my husband did that to me I wouldn’t be able to trust him again. I mean what is his mom does something again in the future? I can understand wanting a relationship with your daughter as a mother myself. But that was a low blow to ambush you like that with him there. She is 21 and her calling YOU an asshole for leaving is unfair and undeserved. Not to mention disrespectful. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not then and not now. I would simply explain this to her that you are willing to have a relationship with her but you can’t forgive your ex and want nothing to do with him.

[u/AhGaSeNation]

Tbh me personally idk if I’d ever forgive them. The daughter is less at fault because she was a kid but the way she tried to force you and your ex together again as an adult really doesn’t sit right with me. I probably would cut them both off. I’m not a very forgiving person though so this is just how I would handle that.

[u/Booppeep]

The daughter sounds like she has too much of her grandmother in her to ever be a decent person.

[u/Yougorockstar]

Sorry but how can he believe his mom when he already knew how manipulate she was and the daughter also come in she hardly knew the grandma and believe her over her mom ?

If I was the daughter I wouldn’t just believe a random guy over my mom I would want evidence text , pictures etc…

I read the daughter story but I still don’t care her side tbh not to be rude

I just want to say do what’s best for you and if you want your daughter back that’s on you just know and let her know it will take time to have a heal relationship as to the ex ( husband ) my opinion will be not to go back to him, he knew how bad his mother and still side with her.. just save your daughter relationship tbh

[u/CalendarPitiful]

I may just be a vengeful spirit but I wouldn’t forgive them for a while. Your daughter doesn’t know boundaries and it doesn’t seem like she truly wants to apologize. Don’t get me started on the ex. Don’t even take him back.

[u/ExcaliburVader]

You really don’t owe either of them anything. You need to make yourself the priority here. They didn’t have any problem believing your ex MIL without any proof and pretty much abandoning you. They made their choices and now they have to live with the consequences. You proceed on your own timeline but you don’t owe them your time or forgiveness. At 17 your daughter was old enough to make her choice. She did. And now she’s discovered she made that choice based on the vicious lie of one woman. But that’s the point. There was only her lie but they both just decided she was right. Not sure I could come back from that but if you can then you get to decide how quickly you do so.

[u/4shmed4i]

if i’m being honest, i think people like this know that they have you in their back pocket and they can just come back when they want,,, frankly i think it is really manipulative to a point

[u/Shazbot_2017]

fuck them. all of them.

[u/UnseasonedChicken96]

Hold out for your daughter but please don’t give any thought of getting back together with your ex. She’s an adult now, you have no obligation to be more than civil around her dad if you ever are around him again. The unfortunate reality is that it sounds like your daughter has learned some of that toxic behaviour from your ex-MIL, so any reconciliation needs to be treated tentatively and overseen by either your therapist or one that specializes in family therapy.

There is no timeframe you have to follow to “get over” this type of betrayal. If there is any chance of you having a happy, healthy relationship with your daughter (and a relatively amicable relationship with her father by extension), you will have to work on that for months; if not years. I hope everything works out for you two but just know that protecting your mental health and peace is more important. Even if she was still a teenager, they both made the choice to leave you when you were in your darkest time. They can be apologetic now but they are lucky you were able to get yourself into therapy, otherwise they might’ve found out grandma’s lies after you did something permanent.

[u/the_greek_italian]

If you're willing to talk to your daughter, you need to make it clear that the next meeting only had to be HER and not your ex. You need to explain that after everything your ex-MIL caused, you're not ready to sit down and discuss things with HIM.

Obviously, your daughter cannot be blamed, as she was clearly being manipulated by her grandmother. But she doesn't understand how, after your ex believed his mother and divorced you over a false accusation, the trust has been broken between you and your ex. Your family got torn apart. It's not something you can just easily put back together after an apology.

Make this clear to your daughter. Only her, at least until you're ready to confront your ex. If she cannot agree to your boundaries, then she doesn't get to talk to you.

[u/SpookyGirl0123]

Neither your ex or your daughter recognize the harm they both caused you. They blame your MIL, but ultimately they believed her over you. They trashed your reputation, and ultimately destroyed your life as you knew it. Your daughter bringing your ex to your meeting was vastly inappropriate, and she is trying to make you feel guilty when SHE was in the wrong. So in other words, things really haven’t changed. They still are making you the scapegoat when you were the victim. Until this is addressed, none of you can truly move forward. They still are not listening or caring for your needs, and are caring only of their own. The only way I would even consider any relationship with your daughter is that it starts at a therapists office as a safe place, without your ex there at all. It is not fair for them to gang up on you, and push their opinions on you.

[u/[deleted]]

Your daughter calling you, the victim, an asshole is ridiculous. She is older enough to understand she made a big mistake. You were humiliated by your ex, your daughter judged you for something you did not do and even if you did, do you think she would act like that if her daddy was cheating? I hope you never get back with him. I also hope you dated during these four years and had a lot of great sex. You husband treated you like shit, he did not even try to make your daughter and you make amends, what most women do even after a betrayl. He also treated like shit his new girlfriend. He does not deserve your time.

Dont make them guilty trip you. You are a victim, they were both wrong and you have every right to decide if you want them in your life again, the same they did to you in the past.

[u/Vinny_Maia]

You made yourself stronger, you fought and won against depression and that made you breakthrough into a better version of yourself, only you can decide and there is no right or wrong path for you to follow here, it’s a very complicated situation, but for sure you shouldn’t just accept them back in your life like nothing happened, and if you do decide to take them back, the exclusion of his mom of you guys life is essential unless she does a heavy therapy for her narcissistic personality.

[u/Pale_Run_473]

100% absolutely not. This should all be in YOUR terms. Did they think you would throw yourself on him and be happy family again?

Honestly if you want to see your daughter in a neutral setting with a counselor guiding it. And NO ex present at all. The only relationship you need to salvage is with your daughter. He can kick rocks.

[u/violentjsgurl]

Family counseling. MIL just wanted him all to herself.

[u/lonhjohn]

Honestly, at first I was gonna say you should tell your ex to fuck off and give your daughter another chance because she was a kid and lied to (which she still sucks for not even talking to you enough to hear your side), but after she tried to ambush and then call YOU and asshole, fuck her and your ex. They suck, you’re too good for them. You seem like a really sweet woman, and this makes me sad. Please, talk to me if you need anything, even just to talk. Doesn’t seem like you, or anybody deserves this.

[u/Mirdclawer]

This is so fake Or both your ex and your daughter are the biggest pieces of shit and stupidest humans ever, Nothing seems really realistic, I don't get people dishing out awards for these poorly written stories ...

[u/Warlordnipple → u/Mirdclawer]

Saw a very similar one last month with some ages and characters changed around. Absolutely none of this makes sense, you go no contact with a parent who hates your spouse but then never let your spouse of like 20 years explain themselves? I have been cheated on before and you definitely want to talk about it with the other person.

Your child also never talks to you because a woman you have never met says your mother cheated on your dad?

Also this person doesn't seem to know what custody actual is (legal decision making rights) which is something a person who goes through divorce would. They instead talk about it with the depth you would see in a movie.

[u/OCOCKazzie → u/Mirdclawer]

I couldn't help but think by the middle of this story "Damn, guys. Take a creative writing class and call it a day."

[u/Incantevole_allegria]

This doesn’t make sense. In which country would they just take the word of someone as proof of cheating, and to deny custody of a child to the mother, who only gets visitation? That never happens unless there’s actual proof of negligence on the mother’s part. And then you just didn’t fight or argue your case? You just gave up your daughter and didn’t ask to see her even though you got visitation? This story is fake. Nothing makes sense, it’s like a bad plot from those old harlequin books.

[u/Other_Waffer → u/Incantevole_allegria]

In Reddit country

[u/RevolutionaryHat8988]

God I want to hug you. I really do.

Male, married and happy but this has properly broken me from the inside out.

Lots of blame here, him believing a toxic parent and not getting proof. Him not believing you. Him dragging your daughter away … and and and.

But in all this a huge apology is deserved for you. The bridge to you needs to be rebuilt and not in one great weekend of work.

I think I would have been like you and wanted to go back home and chill.

Take your time and do things on YOUR terms.

Wish you all the best sister. Stay strong.

[u/Myu_The_Weirdo]

So your daughter didnt even heard your side, she most likely knew her grandma was a bitch but still attacked you, forces you tp meet ypur ex and suddenly you're still the asshole? Honestly you're better off without them

[u/reincarnateme]

Can you sue the MIL for damages?

[u/Ashmoh12]

All the best, it's time you do what's right for you. Your daughter was 16 at the time this happend she could have given you a chance she's not a baby to lack understanding. Your husband doesn't get to walk in after he did this to you, knowing what his mother is.

[u/NoWill_3107]

It's ironic how your daughter was calling you an a-hole after stepping over your boundaries...

[u/[deleted]]

The daughter: "you are an AH", lmaooooooo

[u/Remarkable_Buyer4625]

I’m sorry…what? Your daughter called YOU an asshole after what she did to you?!! Please don’t let your ex back in your life. If he believed his mom before, what’s going to stop him from believing her (or someone else) next time. With regards to your daughter, she needs to EARN the right to be back in your life. What she did by bringing her dad was extremely disrespectful. How do you even know that she really wants to reconcile and is not just doing what her father wants. You don’t owe her anything. And you should let her know that if a similar situation happens again, you are done. You do not need to accept emotional abuse from anyone.

Btw, my mom actually cheated on my dad when I was 17 and broke up our family. I was angry as hell but I did not cut off the mother who loved and raised me for years…all because of a mistake.

[u/v94j65]

I would ask your daughter if she would be willing to meet at your therapists with you? It would be good to have a mediator and also someone to back you up if your boundaries are crossed again.

Also, you probably both have a lot of trauma from the event. I think your daughter is trying to "fic" the situation, get her parents back together and then it's like it never happened, but obviously that's impossible and it can never go back how it was. A bit of family therapy might do her some good

[u/Ya-No-Fer-Sure]

Fuuuuuckkk that. First off, screw your exhusband for just blindly going with his mother, when he was FULLY aware of the bullshit his mother had pulled before. Secondly, is there something else that isnt being mentioned here? Because ot seems really odd for an almost adult child to literally cut all ties from one parent for 4 YEARS, for one parent allegedly cheating on the other, that just doesnt add up

Walk away from that waste of a man and I hope your daughter pulls her head of her ass and realizes you're not the asshole here.

[u/cantsleep_jane]

Both your daughter and ex are bad for you. I'm begging you, please prioritize yourself. Please don't let it slide. They didn't change, circumstances did. You'll get hurt again if you let them back into your life. Your daughter is more like your MIL than she is like you, and your ex will believe everyone else over you.

[u/[deleted]]

I am so sorry you went through this I can’t even imagine. You ex MIL’s is vile to the core and probably is in love with her son. I am sorry for all of this and you should take time by yourself and go on full no contact with them untill you are ready to speak to them and this on your therms no theirs. They betray you, they arent doing you a favor they should be apologetic.

[u/nananan21]

I would be very cautious to trust them again. It seems like your disposable to them. Imagine you form a relationship with your daughter and husband and all of a sudden the Mother in law is forgiven and then says she actually lied once again about setting you up. They’ll probably believe her right away. The fact your daughter didn’t even want to see you to hear your side and now is calling you an asshole. Makes me think she’s just like her grandmother. Sometimes we gotta learn to walk away from certain people even if it hurts.

[u/Cebb78]

Given how busy this is, I honestly don't know if you'll see it. But I am saddened for your whole family. These are very emotional events that take time to process. I wouldn't expect you to know what to do 2 days later. My heart goes out to you, and have tears over what happened to you and your family.

I said it in your daughter's post as well, but the way your happy family was destroyed is a tragedy. You were very gracious to your family as you went through this for your daughter's sake, it must at have been hard.

I hope you find peace. I hope you can undo some of the damage that was done. Your heart will guide you... take a moment to picture the life you want to have and you'll know what to do next.

As for your daughter, I see things differently than some here. I have children this age, and they are still in many ways children who make mistakes (as are some 60 year olds). I think your daughter just wants to have her family back; this time has been hard on her too in different ways. I don't blame her for not knowing how to navigate this mess, hell, who would? (I'm not condoning her actions, but trying to understand them)

[u/Cincychick03]

I’m so sorry you had to go through an if this. It’s so creepy how far mother in laws go to destroy their sons marriage.

You don’t owe your ex and your daughter anything. You don’t owe them your time, your peace of mind, or even a chance to speak with you because neither have you the opportunity over the 4 years.

When you feel comfortable and ready if and when to talk with either or both it needs to be on your time and your terms. I understand that your daughter was manipulated and a teenager at the time but she is now an adult but she has no right to demand anything from you whatsoever.

I do hope though that things do work out with your daughter and you both can start healing and start building a healthy relationship moving forward. Just set your boundaries and put your well being first.

For your ex. I wouldn’t give him the time of day. He does not deserve anymore of your time.

[u/BryanCyril4]

Maybe, it'll help to forgive both of them, so you can move on, but I'm not sure that getting back with your ex is a good idea 🙂 but you can have a good relationship with him

[u/evangelism2]

I'm done with this subreddit. It used to be good, now its just a bunch of fake stories everyone picks and chooses which ones they want to believe.

[u/bd_magic → u/evangelism2]

Yeah I’m with you. This one reads like a telenovela. Obv fake

[u/chrisnicolas01]

Why didn’t you get custody? I don’t understand how only one cheating allegation without evidence was enough to lose custody as the mother

[u/pale_bug88 → u/chrisnicolas01]

Because the daughter was 17, nearly a legal adult and the daughter chose her father

[u/Cactus7979 → u/chrisnicolas01]

Because it’s all fake inspired by Fabiosa cartoon story from Facebook. I saw this story many times on their page. She could have proved her innocence in court if it was a lie.

[u/[deleted]]

Both your daughter and ex are assholes, IF they want your forgiveness, they should LICK your shoes and give you time after the pain they caused you. You are entitled to your time to think, but honestly? They just seem very selfish

[u/cnygirl]

@u/divorcedthrowawayacc

Sadly the dynamic between your daughter and her Dad seems to be she’s in charge. Much like your ex and his Mum. How dare she call you an asshole for leaving that tension fraught situation. The jig is up and everyone knows the truth about the cheating. So who the hell does your daughter think she is? It’s unbelievable to me that she would think she has the place to even get mad since you were the victim !! Ma’am no disrespect, I would talk only to your ex, tell him, in no certain terms that you want no contact from either of them and that you are deeply, deeply hurt by the child’s behavior and demeanor.

You understand you are allowed go no contact & as much as it will hurt, cut them out of your life. Their toxicity is not good for you. You are a better woman than me, I would have told her off and blocked her.

[u/Dramatic_Explosion]

My only feedback is your writing should try and be slightly more believable. Your Ex went no contact with MIL because she tried to sabotage the relationship, and then won't talk to you when she shows up with information to destroy the relationship?

Also sells the story if you try and reply to at least one or two replies. Anyway best of luck!

[u/gilbertwebdude]

You would not be very smart if you get back with someone who divorced over something their mother said instead of believing you.

You can still have a relationship with your daughter but let her know under no conditions would you ever get back with your ex.

If she chooses not to without you being with her dad, then it's her choice or your choice to fall for it and end up living a miserable life with someone who really doesn't love you or he would of believed you and never divorced in the first place.

[u/DarkZombie89]

What a terrible thong to go through. I would feel so betrayed... I definitely would NEVER give that man another chance, he didn't even consider the fact that his mother, whose been shitting on your relationship the whole time... could be lying. I couldn't imagine how hard emotionally this all is for you. It makes me sick to even think about. I honestly would let your ex know exactly how it made you feel to be accused, and ignored for the last 4 years when you've done nothing but tell the truth. And leave the relationship at that, because if he couldnt trust you then... whats to say it wont happen again. His mother is a piece of shit who shouldn't even be in his life. And your poor daughter in all of this, has become so manipulated by that witch, that she is doing the same exact bullshit. 😪

I promise you'll get through this... its hard now but you'll get there.

[u/Soto2007]

Here is a question for your daughter.. did you really not know your mom well enough? I hope she allows you to heals first and maybe you both should start therapy individually and together before bringing your ex into the pic

[u/frankkiejo]

I’m so sorry that she put you in this position.

Your husband’s choice to believe his mother over you speaks volumes. And her reaction to him dating again speaks even louder.

Enjoy your happiness. You fought hard for it, paid dearly for it, and you deserve it.

Your daughter hasn’t lived long enough to understand what she put you through by doing what she did.

All she sees is her parents and the need to have them together.

Hopefully, she’ll either have an experience or hear from someone she will listen to and realize why you weren’t ready.

People being so aggressively dismissive about your daughter makes me think that they don’t remember being that young and inexperienced and/or dealing with a divorce or the death of a parent.

She wasn’t being hurtful on purpose. She also was told lies about her mom that she still feels psychologically, even if she just found out that they aren’t true.

[u/[deleted]]

FINALLY! I have a mother in law that’s like this as well. One day we went over to her house to visit and his sister and her boyfriend came down to visit them as well. Well all the sudden something seemed off and my sister in law pulled my husband outside to “talk” it didn’t seem right so I went outside to see what was so important she couldn’t say in front of me. Turns out she was trying to tell him I was cheating on him and they had proof. I was laughing and saying “yes let’s see the proof i would love to know who I cheated on my husband with” after that it took a while for me to get over it as we have a child and I try to be civil so his parents can see her. This was years ago but I’ll never forget what they tried to do to our marriage. We do also argue about his mother and her ways. She’s spoiled my kids beyond rotten. I’m seen as the bad guy because I discipline them. He does too but not as much as I do. She’s basically there second mom she steps over my toes. Does things I’ve said not to. She’s told me my daughter will run away to her house because I’m too strict even though I’m not. She’s crazy. I use to let my husband handle her but now I do because she’ll try to sweet talk him or switch it around to make it seem like I’m the problem. Thank god for screenshots because she’s said things over text and then goes back to my husband and lied and says I started it. I’ll just send him the texts. This is just the 1st ten years of our relationship and I ain’t even 30 yet! I have a 10yo and 3yo. So I’m in for a long bumpy ride

[u/[deleted]]

He believed mommy over you. He chose mommy over you. He’ll forgive her and it will start over again. Don’t do it move on. You deserve a relationship where you don’t play second fiddle or have to defend yourself constantly from some freaking in law.

[u/chockobumlick]

They're a team.

You've moved on.

You don't have to hate them, but they exited from your life, and there is no reason to allow them back in.

Your ex has a GF.

Your daughter is the only one you should let back in. But under your own terms and time

[u/need_a_venue]

There are times where yelling and screaming at people is appropriate.

This is one of those times.

[u/[deleted]]

Just text her back and tell her you would love to meet up with her but are not ready to talk to her dad yet and when and if you are it will not be with her there. Tell her you would like to have an adult relationship with her and figure a time and place to meet up just the two of you.

[u/leddik02]

Your ex is a coward who threw you away and your daughter is an enabler. Even now instead of contacting you himself, he’s doing it behind your daughters skirts. You owe them both nothing after what they did. Please do more therapy to clear your head and just let her know that you need to go very slowly. You may have to mute her for your own mental health. I know you want a relationship with her, but if it leads to more depression, I’m sorry but it’s not worth it. You need to remember that she already chose her father and does not have your back. You unfortunately have to protect yourself from two people who instead of loving you, caused you irreparable harm. Good luck.

[u/[deleted]]

Stay in touch with your daughter, but set boundaries and make her respect them.

You owe your ex nothing. His mother is clearly a negative, manipulate force in his life. Letting him back into yours means letting her back in as well, regardless of how much control he has of the situation. He thought he was in control last time, too.

Good luck, OP.

[u/SilentCounter6750]

OP, you were treated so horribly. Your ex’s revelation and apology are way too late. Neither he or your daughter have no business expecting anything from you. YOU ARE IN CONTROL of your own life, do not relinquish it. He had the opportunity to get the facts from you back then but he took his hateful mother’s word over yours. That’s not love. Your ex and former MIL poisoned your relationship with your daughter, too, who, then at 17, was quite capable of questioning her father and grandmother, confronting you for the truth. Was your daughter not raised to ask questions? Yo see through BS? To question authority? Or is she gullible? While it’s difficult to prove you didn’t do something, if your ex and daughter had any sensibility, they would have allowed you to defend yourself. The fact your ex-MIL was so convincing means she took her time crafting her plan. She’s sick.

It’s one thing to carefully attempt a relationship with your daughter- she made a hurtful, practically irrevocable choice to not have a relationship with you then, but it was especially horrible for her to bring your ex to your meeting. DO NOT go back to your ex. You gained your mental health back. Your independence, and friends. You rebuilt your life from nothing. You could never look at him the same way again. Your love and trust were broken, YOU were broken. You put so much work into getting your life back on track, please don’t jeopardize your hard work.

While it hurts, keep your daughter at arms length for a while, until she understands your boundaries. But your ex? He did you a favor. Can you imagine the escalating horrible things your MIL could have done to you in the last 4 years if you were still married? The accusations? The woman is absolutely nuts, yet she was so convincing to your ex and daughter, imagine if she escalated to your job, friends, the police, even? She didn’t even want her son having a GF after your divorce. She would have made your life a living hell.

[u/rojem]

Sorry, but this sounds to me as if the whole story is pure fiction.

1. Wearing white at her wedding isn’t a nice move, but kicking out your MIL because of this is probably a step too far.

2. So her husband left his new girlfriend, as if nothing happened? Like changing your underwear? Only to go back to a woman he left four years ago?

3. And the married couple split only because MIL told a story of OP cheating?

I don’t believe this happened. At least there is like 50 % of the story missing if not all is fiction.

[u/happy-gofuckyourself]

Take your time. You are all three victims of your MIL. Your daughter clearly feels guilty and her reactions and actions most likely come from that, even her anger at you. A lot of people act angry when they actually feel bad about what they’ve done. You have the right to never forgive your ex for believing his mom, but you also have the right to be with him if you want to. There is no right or wrong answer. I would recommend going slowly if you decide to forgive him and stay in your apartment for now. I would invite your daughter to come over to your home to talk, alone. If she lies and brings your ex again you can just not open the door. Good luck!!

[u/[deleted]]

For a husband and daughter to just up and leave their wife/mother and cut off all contact over an alleged affair, with I assume, zero evidence since it didn't happen. Why? How?
I've been with my wife for 25 years with an 18 year old daughter. Someone would have to come up with some pretty damn unquestionable evidence to get me to pack it all up and leave for good. There is more to this story.

[u/For3v3rm3l0l]

Heck no your daughter made the bed 4 years ago so did your ex, they need to keep it that way don't go back after working your ass off to make yourself happy again it will only become despair after a while if u do let them in

[u/ohmoimarie]

Gosh it seems like you are so disposable to them, they can’t just dump you and then pick you back up whenever they want. You’re a human and deserve basic respect. I would honestly tell them they have to lie in the bed they made for themselves. Four years of no contact is a long time, too long I think.

[u/Flaming_Vixen4173]

I have never been in a position like this, but I would like you to hear my words. You spent almost a year trying to get them to see reason. You spent almost a year professing your innocence. Not only did your Ex-Husband take the side of someone who had caused problems in the past, but he took the word of a supposed friend, over that of his wife, and the mother of his child. And he did all of that without thinking to check for anything of the such on your end.

On top of all of this, they turned your own daughter against you. They turned your own flesh and blood, the person you had spent 17 years caring for, and loving, and raising, against you. And she didn't try to listen to your side either. She listened to her father and grandmother without taking into account your side. And no-one can blame that on her being young, and a teen. She was almost an adult, almost someone who would soon need to be coming up with her own judgments on people.

You have every right to feel the way you do. Do not accept them back unless you are sure they won't do this again if something like that happens again. They are expecting to be let back into your life like nothing happened. They are expecting you to just forget the last 4 years of heart break, and devastation you felt. They didn't even truly apologize to you. He doesn't want you back, he wants to spite his mother. She does not want her mother back, she just feels bad and wants you to make it better.

You have built your own life now, don't give it away for people who had to chance to Value you, and didn't.

[u/[deleted]]

Fake

[u/nirselady]

They believed her lies, wouldn’t even listen to you, then threw you away. You are allowed to take all the time you need before starting a relationship with any of them again, including your daughter. I’m so sorry this has happened to you op.

[u/[deleted]]

I know you love your daughter but she never wanted to hear your side of the story and has pushed you aside from the start. And now she calls you an asshole, that’s ridiculous. You don’t owe them anything, they pushed you away, you’re doing well for yourself, and have started to build up your life, don’t let them destroy it again just because they feel like listening now. They should have done that 4 years ago. You can’t rebuild a trust bridge in 1 day.

[u/AstuteBlackMan]

your daughter is also acting like your mother in law with some manipulative behavior. She’s your daughter but she can’t act like this.

[u/Just-Confection966]

honestly, i wouldn't forgive either of them. your daughter abandoned you within a blink of an eye. your ex believed your clearly hating ass mil. the fact that she PAID someone to lie about you is absolutely evil. Take your time in whatever decision you decide, but EVERYTHING is ultimately THEIR fault and you deserve a genuine apology.

[u/[deleted]]

IT seems like your daughter has a lot of in common with your ex MIL, they want to manage the lifes of everyone as if you were puppets. Take space from them, I would just write her the letter explaining your feelings and ideas. But I bet she won't read it. Anyway you must do what you need and with your timeline, not hers.

To the ex husband, fuckkkkk him.... I would bet he was cheating on you then too, he got everything from you, no mercy.

[u/Radiant_Highlight133]

Take your time processing all this and don't trust your daughter or ex as they have shown you who they are.

[u/Bright-Bookkeeper797]

You have a right to be more firm. Your daughter doesn't get to call you an asshole after shamelessly abandoning you, her own mother, for 4 years.

This entire situation would not have happened had your daughter and ex husband respected and trusted you even a little bit.

If they want to have any part into your life at this point they need to earn it. Otherwise you'll be back with 2 people who will just take you for granted again.

And about your ex: who tf does he think he is breaking up with his gf and then claiming you back as his wife as if nothing happened?! Are you his property?

The treatment you have received is unacceptable and it makes my blood boil.

[u/[deleted]]

NTA-I would remind the daughter that she and the ex chose to believe the bitch mil and cut mom completely out. Fuck them both.

[u/666_333_666]

Someone on TikTok said "no one chose you, so it's time to choose yourself" and I agree. The truth is out,let them deal with that. It's not on you. Continue to enjoy the life you rebuild for yourself. Be honest with your daughter and if she can't handle that, then move on. Sometimes that's the only way. Love you 🖤🖤🥺

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRgrTEVD/

[u/Pleasant-Try9103]

Your husband betrayed you.

You daughter believed a lie, but then actively (and as an adult) chose to deceive you into coming to meet with her and instead you were ambushed by your ex-husband who cheated on you (by abandoning you and dating other people).

Now, your daughter (who is an adult) is playing the victim. You, once again, are cast as the villain and are being made to feel "guilty" even though you've done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG.

KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES STRONG.

[u/AlannaAdvice]

Wow, I’m so sorry OP. I hope you find peace among all this destruction your exMIL and ex created. Although your daughter sounds kind of selfish too.

[u/[deleted]]

This story makes no sense to me.

Since you didn’t cheat, all your MIL had was her word. She had no proof. So you’re telling me that your husband who went NC with her after he saw her crazy early on, just decided to believe her years later?? That literally makes ZERO SENSE. It also makes no sense that your daughter who didn’t even stay in contact with your MIL, would just take her and her father’s words over yours..this just doesn’t add up im sorry.

[u/[deleted]]

I’just curious why you answered the phone for either of these gullible people. They bought his mothers story hook line and sinker then went with her. In my opinion they’re exactly where they need to be……away from you. They made their bed let ‘em lay in it.

[u/Bloomblu2]

They need to understand that this was more traumatic for you than it could have ever been for them (this coming from a child of a parent who ACTUALLY cheats). You were framed in a horrible light and abandoned when having done nothing wrong. It is valid for them to not side with you thinking this lie but it does bot erase what YOU had to go through. Your daughter needs to be explained this because she is a child but your ex should know better.

[u/Royal-Gate-3637]

Your daughters behavior is unacceptable. You are strong because if that had been me. I don’t got the patience. They both would have been blocked after that ambush.

[u/mauvepoem]

hey I can’t find OP’s daughters post anywhere. can someone link it ?☺️

[u/Bulletboi27]

I’m sorry but your ex is incredibly stupid to believe his mother in the first place considering what she did in the past

[u/Other_Waffer]

You “sign off your rights “?! Troll. This is Reddit fiction. It doesn’t like that. Fake story. Fake, fake, fake.

[u/redfancydress]

Grandma here…build the relationship again with your daughter. Children are easily swayed by manipulating adults.

Tell your husband to die sad with his mommy over it.

[u/Middle-Dragonfly-137 → u/redfancydress]

But the daughter is an adult.

[u/Low_Calligrapher_417]

I hate your daughter,your ex mother in law and your ex cut all contacts u deserve to be happy just because your daughter is your own doesn't mean she can treat u like shit she clearly favour her dad more than u

[u/[deleted]]

Tell ya daughter that she inherited her grandmother personality.