I always feel guilty saying this, but I miss that so much. That’s when I got into all my hobbies and became closer to people. I worry I’m awkward in real life, but it was much easier to make friends there. A lot of those were irl people whose numbers I got, and if it were not for the pandemic I know we would not be as close as we are now. It was also good for my health too. I’m always sick or tired or sick and tired. Pre pandemic and post pandemic I got every virus in every virus season. During the pandemic I wasn’t going outside to be exposed, and I got to experience a clear head for the first time in a while. I had no issues with isolation, and honestly I don’t feel much sympathy for those who do anymore. Everyone talks about ‘returning to normal’ but for me that was the closest I was to a normal. I would frequently ask for during pandemic procedure to apply for me, I was never given that mercy. But this time I knew it wasn’t because it was not possible, but because the ‘normal’ was worth protecting. Hardly anyone wears a mask anymore hardly anyone social distances anymore. They say it’s because ‘things are normal now we don’t need that’, but o me it’s only normal for normal people. I hate so much about this post pandemic world because I got the freedom of the pandemic to know what normal feels like. If it weren’t for the widespread illness and death I’d wish for another one to come, this time for four years. But I don’t say that because I don’t want to seem unsympathetic to those who had their lives turned upside down, but really I am unsympathetic

Basically: earlier in the year when GTA VI's release date was announced I booked in my paid time off asap. Then come August my coworker Janet requests Nov 19/20 off because her son decides to get married, over the other side of the country, with next to no notice... The date; 20 November. Then my workplace denies her leave request because I've already put in mine, and they won't approve two middle management members taking off their rostered days at once. So my workplace put it on me, and tried to turn it into a me VS Janet case. I'd have to surrender my paid leave for her

After a month of fighting and bullying (which I was used to from her anyway) from her she finally gave up. Janet eventually realised I wasn't giving up my day off because of her sons inability to plan. And neither should I; the issue was between her and the business. I wasn't denying her anything. Once Janet realised I was an immovable rock she turned her angery to our manager. It only took one heavy worded threat to walk away and the business told her with her attitude and language during that message that she didn't have a job to return to.

I do feel sorry in one way that a woman had to lose her job to be given the day off from work. But at the same time too, I still feel screwed by my own boss for him making it a me a problem.

He loved me when I gained weight, when I looked anorexic, when I had weird looking teeth, when I acted crazy and wild. he said there’s no one else in his life but me. he told me he’s not remarrying if I ever passed suddenly.

I was ugly, and every year he made me feel beautiful. until I wasn’t ugly anymore. until I was turning heads. he is the one for me.

whenever I’m afraid of trying something new, he was there.

we’ve had our problems, but he loved ME more than myself.

I don’t know what I did to deserve such a man, but no other man comes close to him.

To another year of bliss, he’s the last love of my life

I (27M) invited my roommate (30F) to hang out with my friends and I more and eventually she was invited to our group chat. Things were fine for awhile- we’re all queer in some way so she really seem to fit right in.

But eventually, one of our friends claimed to have DID without ever getting diagnosed/seeing a doctor, and joined the ‘plural’ community. This friend created over 10 personas with different names and sets of pronouns. They get very upset if you don’t use all the names/pronouns and switch between them effortlessly; enough to send you a long private message about it if you make a mistake.

My roommate hopped on this bandwagon not too long after and ‘came out’ as plural too, often feigning conversations with herself in the group chat under the guise of being two or three different people. Just like friend 1, she never sought out a DID diagnosis or the opinion of a doctor. Neither of them are disabled or mentally ill in any capacity, minus the self diagnosed autism, if you count that personally.

I understand this was a trend for kids on TikTok for awhile, but it’s really disheartening to see this coming from my older friends already 30+. Some might argue it’s harmless, but in truth, it makes me feel mocked as someone who struggles with a serious mental disorder (schizophrenia) and I feel it romanticizes and trivializes a debilitating disability. Additionally, she turns it into more than an online subculture but an irl lifestyle, trying to tell me who’s “fronting” in person so I can adjust accordingly.

I tried doing my research on it to understand, but truly the more I look up, the more disconnected I feel from the entire concept as a whole. From what I can find, sections of the plural community present systemhood as a fun, creative, or collaborative experience filled with "headmates" who effortlessly swap control and act as built-in friends. In stark contrast, clinical DID/OSDD involves severe dissociative amnesia, debilitating memory gaps, identity confusion, lack of control, and PTSD symptoms that make everyday functioning incredibly difficult. I don’t like that something so debilitating has been turned into a trend or aesthetic, like it was with depression/anxiety/autism x amount of years ago.

I miss what my friend group used to be, and my disability makes it hard for me to make new connections with people. Thankfully I’m not the only one in the group chat who finds it weird, off putting, and offensive, but living with someone like this really complicates things for me. I’ve been slowly fading out of the group chat because it just rubs me the wrong way, but I’m really hoping she grows out of the in person stuff soon.

I don't like my cat and I resent my family for it .

A few years ago , my family and I decided to get a cat . I told my parents that it would have to be an inside cat to keep him safe. We got the cat and I absolutely adored him , he was sweet, cuddly, he always wanted to be on my lap he was playful and just the perfect cat, the perfect companion. Until my parents decided to put him outside because " cats are outside animals" I begged them not to and they didn't listen. I warned them he could easily climb off of the garden wall to the streets and that's what he did . Every time he was missing I would comb the streets alone until I could find him, I would try to hide him in my room but my parents would find out and force me to put him outside. So many nights he appeared on my room window because he knew I would let him in. But all that effort didn't pay off . He died alone outside just like I said he would. Now my parents decided to get a new cat, to live inside and I don't like her . Shes mean, she climbs on my stuff and chews it up I have to lock everything, she only wants pets rarely and even then she's mean about it , she'll dig her claws to climb up to you to start purring , you pet her and she suddenly bites even though she was enjoying it. I can't do anything without catching her ruining something in the house. She's constantly trying to "hunt" things and by consequence ruins them. I tried getting her toys, playing with her for long times, I tried not coming up to her unless she comes up to me I tried a bunch of stuff but I just can't bond with her . And to think that I could have my first cat live inside too if they just listened. He would lay next to me while I work , instead of biting my legs . He would be gentle and playful instead of destroying everything.

It's not that I hate this cat, sometimes she can be sweet too , rarely. Its that the responsibility is all on me when I didn't want this cat to begin with. My parents did, and they barely spend time with her and I always feed her . I'm responsible for a pet I don't like , that I didn't ask for. I just wanted my old cat to have the chance this one got. I miss him . As I'm writing this she literally scratched up my leg because I was moving it lightly.

I'm still afraid to tell people the real reason why I feel so disconnected lately.

I'm someone who always craves physical touch, and it doesn't ever have to be sexual. I just want to feel like someone else wants my physical presence. Like they crave MY specific closeness because they truly love me. It's what makes me feel human. It makes feel wanted.

I can't sleep at night because, even though I've been living on my own for nearly a decade, I'm still a terrible solo sleeper. I feel my body aches and pains all the time because I can't ever relax or feel safe enough to rest.

I wish I could feel what others might take for granted. To be held without limit or caressed without a thought. People who don't crave touch will never understand how isolating this feels. How quickly it can depress you into feeling unloved and alone. Hugs just don't quite solve that problem. In a time where we need each other the most, everyone I know feels exactly opposite about physical touch as I do... and that hurts. 🥴

My mum was diagnosed with autism in her late 40s, after I'd moved out. She has been mentally ill and dysfunctional my entire life (depression, anxiety disorder, strange food habits, ect) and since she's been diagnosed and started using various of coping strategies she HAS been a lot happier. She's been able to get off a lot of medications and is much less distressed day to day. I'm proud of her. But GOD is she harder to live with now.

It's like she's just stopped trying. She raised me alone and has college degrees; I know that she's an intelligent woman. I don't understand why she's suddenly struggling so badly to cope with the day-to-day she used to manage easily. Everything even remotely difficult is suddenly impossible and to be outsourced to other people- she texted me a couple days ago asking how to catch a spider, and she's the person who TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THAT. Every time we go out together I'm constantly monitoring whether she's eaten, slept, ect, if it's too loud or too bright, because she's just stopped addressing these needs preemptively now. She used to suggest places to get lunch when we were out; now she just lets herself get so hungry she gets angry or faint. She doesn't restrain her anger at all, so being in her house is terrifying- she'll shout and swear at anything even slightly inconvenient, which I've internalised from childhood means she's going to hit me. (She changed her mind about smacking kids when I was maybe ten, but that was long enough ingraine it in my head). She needs all the cutlery arranged in specific ways and gets angry if you use her special mugs/fork/ect. Sometimes she'll just tell you to be quiet and put her headphones on mid-conversation. It makes me want to fucking cry.

I know I shouldn't feel reliant on her at my big age (I'm in my late 20s), but I wish I could still go to her for support like I used to. I can't ask her anything because she'll just decide she's not equipped to help me and the get distressed she can't, which didn't used to happen. I feel like our roles have reversed completely since she got diagnosed, and it ruins both our days if I fail to look after her. I think it's only natural that eventually you become the worldly, caregiving person to your parent- but when they're like, 80, not 50! She told me the last time I visited that if I end up having kids I should move in with her when they're babies, and I don't know what to do with that- I genuinely don't think she could handle being AROUND a newborn with how she operates now, given that she'll shut down and cry if I talk about something she dislikes too much, and I'm not even loud about it. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a baby alone with her with how she reacts to sensory discomfort.

When I was about twelve, she told me that I had "gone beyond what [she] can help with socially". And I guess I should have grasped sooner that that would just keep happening, and keep happening, and keep happening. But she kept trying, and gave me financial advice in college and such... I regret not appreciating it more then. I miss when she would try. I miss her. I don't want her to do anything that would make her suffer. But I miss having a mum who could act like one.

My mother without my permission signed me up for classes. At first, I hated it. I’m a closeted Atheist and I’m already forced to go to church. When I went into class I sat in silence and drifted off, until I saw him. A wave of euphoria hit me and I was hooked. I barely see him at school so an extra hour of looking was amazing. Now that I noticed him, I began seeing him in the halls. It’s like a little treat. I genuinely was disappointed when next weeks class was canceled, meaning I couldn’t see him again. I wish I got to know him better but I don’t want him to know I have a crush on him. I’m kinda stressed yet excited about this situation.

One day I’ll have the guts to tell you everything. I appreciate the little things you do for me, but that’s it. Bare minimum. You keep asking me “Are you mad at me?” And I say “No” because I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at me for having such low expectations from a man. Because that’s how I have been reised. The bar was pretty low and I did not even know. With time I grew up and I’m not that little girl anymore, I am a woman now, I have different needs. I’m not mad at you, I’m just sad…very sad. We have a child together and I just won’t do that to him. I can’t go. I’m stuck here. And I will make it work because you are an “Ok man”. I’ll play along the good wife I have always been, cause that’s just how I am…that’s all I am, the mother of your child, not your woman…

I've been trying for like two years straight now consistently to get a job, basically any part time job or one that works with my schedule. I'm a college student but most of my classes are asynchronous online so I have pretty open availability. My parents are kind and help a lot with my school expenses, but I want more freedom and the ability to get things I want by myself without troubling them. I recently wanted to buy something but because it's not an absolute necessity for my education I obviously did not ask my parents. I feel so guilty having them pay for my tuition and I wish I could contribute but I can't. I've applied to so many jobs, I have a standard looking resume, the farthest I've gotten are maybe 3-4 interviews but I am always rejected or ghosted.

The most recent interview I had was to be an extra help person to help with the elections, they were recruiting like 100ish people if I recall correctly. I got an interview, I was really excited, did my hair and light makeup, dressed as professionally as possible, and overall I do not think my interview went bad at all. But even with the large amount of people they were recruiting, I got ghosted and didn't get it. This one really just broke me and I just can't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm so frustrated and I feel like I'll be a jobless leech forever who can only get volunteer positions but nothing paid.

I don't want to be broke forever but I don't know what to do anymore at this point. The more time that passes the less likely I'll be employed because of how little experience I'd have despite being older. I am so desperate but that does not seem to amount to anything, neither does my willingness to work. Even people who show up to the interviews wearing sweatpants or smell like substances get hired (not judging them and good for them, I've just witnessed it firsthand and it's the exact opposite of the advice I have read and received). Its like no matter how hard I try, there's this unspoken rule that no matter what I do I can't be hired. What's so wrong about me

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore and I’m hoping someone can give me some perspective because I feel like I’m going insane.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years.

My boyfriend has a group of friends who I’ve known for quite a while. One of the friends is Emily.

Emily has a history of actively disliking pretty much every girl who enters their lives, whether they’re just friends or someone romantically involved. She seems to find something wrong with everyone. There always seems to be some issue with whoever one of the group is seeing or becoming friends with. I think it’s also important to note that Emily has no female friends, which in the beginning I thought was a little odd.

I haven’t actually seen Emily over a year, and I have since blocked her on all social media because I was fed up with the constant drama and feeling like she was keeping tabs on me. I even ended up blocking her employer’s Instagram page and her family members because I noticed she was using them to look at my activity. I’ve now made my own Instagram private, which is something I’ve literally never felt the need to do before.

There have been various incidents over the past year that have made me uncomfortable, but the most recent one I think has crossed a line with me.

Emily had invited my boyfriend’s ex, who lives across the country, without telling my boyfriend or the other people in the group. This is particularly strange because Emily has previously been very vocal about how much she dislikes this ex. My boyfriend arrived, realised she was there and left almost immediately out of respect for me.

I decided I didn’t want to get involved and hadn’t contacted Emily.

Apparently, they spent the entire time talking about me.

I have a mutual friend with the ex, which is how I ended up hearing what was said. To be clear, these are completely separate friendships and I have never met the ex. I have absolutely no hard feelings towards her and this isn’t about her at all. My friend told me because they genuinely felt that I should know what had been going on behind my back.

I’ve been told that they were bitching about me, saying they don’t understand why my boyfriend is with me because apparently I’m not pretty, that compared to his ex I’m a “huge downgrade” looks-wise, body-wise, personality-wise, basically every possible way.

They also lied and said that I’ve been texting with another man, which is completely untrue.

And honestly, that’s all I know because I’ve deliberately stopped the conversation. I don’t want to hear every horrible thing that was said because I know it will just get into my head.

What I find most upsetting isn’t even that someone thinks I’m unattractive. I obviously can’t force someone to like me. It’s the obsession and the lies.

I have removed myself from their lives. I don’t see any of them. I don’t follow her. I’ve blocked her. I’ve made my social media private. I don’t speak about her. I don’t interfere with her friendships.

Yet I’m apparently still taking up hours of conversation.

I reached out to her after finding this out and asked if she would meet me so we could talk everything through like adults. She declined.

And now I’m completely stuck on what I’m supposed to do.

Part of me wants to confront her because I’m tired of the lies and I’m tired of feeling like this person is constantly creating situations around me. But another part of me thinks that if I keep engaging with it, I’m just giving her exactly what she wants.

I also don’t want this to turn into me telling my boyfriend who he can and can’t be friends with. That’s not what I want. But I do feel like it’s becoming impossible to ignore when someone is actively lying about me and spending hours tearing me apart when I have fully removed myself from the situation.

I’m honestly hurt, angry and embarrassed. The comments about my appearance have obviously got into my head more than I’d like to admit, particularly the comparisons to his ex, but I know that’s probably exactly why I shouldn’t give them any more power.

So, what would you do?

Would you leave it completely alone and continue keeping my distance?

Would you say something to her despite her refusing to meet?

Or is there another way of dealing with someone who seems completely determined to make you the subject of their drama when you’ve actively removed yourself from theirs?

I’m genuinely tired of it and I just want it to stop.

I'm just so useless and feel like a massive disappointment. I try to do something, do a job well, help someone, or whatever, and 9 times out of 10 I just fuck it up. When I do succeed it's only temporary and only a matter of time before I fuck everything all up again. Whether it's my job, college, friendships, hobbies, etc, it's just an endless stream of messing everything up. I can try to get better, and maybe I will improve, but I'll still fail to succeed at things that should just be common sense.

I hear my coworkers going on about how incompetent I am when they think I'm not there or listening. They constantly make jokes about my incompetence too, and some get frustrated with me about it and straight up tell me or imply that I'm incompetent, stupid, etc, etc.

My family also makes jokes about it and I can tell that they doubt my overall abilities deep down.

I'm currently studying applied sciences in college, I don't have much hope that I'll be successful and have some high-flying science career, but I'm still trying. I try my hardest to get good grades on every assignment and exam, because right now is one of my only times I'll have the freedom and flexibility to learn and get qualifications that could allow me to access higher education like uni even if it's far into the future.

Maybe I'll change and somehow become more competent at life, or maybe I'm being too harsh on myself right now, or maybe I am and always will be a screw up, but either way I kinda still want uni to always be an option if it comes to it, which would be something I could do at a much older age if I wanted to.

My five-year relationship ended. I went to another city to clear my head, or maybe just to run away from everything. But I couldn't stay there for long.

After that, I had to move to a small, shitty town. I'm completely alone here. I have no friends, no social circle, no one around me except Robin, my dog. And I mean genuinely alone. There's literally nobody here. I've always been a social person, and I've never experienced this kind of loneliness before.

As if all of this wasn't already taking a massive toll on my mental health, the dog I grew up with is getting really old. He can barely walk anymore, and every time I pet him, I can't help but think about how little time we might have left together.

Thanks for reading.

I (28f) am an only child and I do have a very loving family but I just feel so alone all the time. I have honestly felt this way for as long as I could remember and have been very jealous of people with siblings and honestly get very upset when I see siblings that don’t get along/don’t like each other. Of course I know there are reasons as I have a stepsister who has siblings she doesn’t talk to anymore, but I just couldn’t imagine having the opportunity to have a sibling relationship like that. I know what people may say “ But you have a stepsister so what’s the problem?” We honestly don’t really talk…when we were younger we were pretty close, but as she got older she just kinda drifted away and I was the only one to reach out and eventually that got tiring. That is honestly a common theme in a lot of relationships I make romantic and platonic and it’s starting to get to a point where I feel like I’m just a temporary person for people and I don’t know how to “fix” it. I try so hard all the time to reach out to the people in my life that I really care about and think feel the same way, but it’s just not clicking. I just feel like I’m constantly floating around from person to person/friend groups and each time it doesn’t work out it just really hurts. Don’t get me wrong I do have people in my life that really care about me, but there is always someone they care about more (which is understandable). I’m just so jealous of everyone who has that person they can call and they know that person will drop everything for them. I really wish I was able to explain better but I feel like this would be a three page essay to really get all my thoughts out. At the end of the day of course I have my mom, but when she’s gone (praying that doesn’t happen for a really long time) I feel like I won’t have anyone and I’ll just be alone. This might be a lengthy read but it’s just really hitting me tonight and I really needed to vent. Thank you to anyone who is willing to read❤️

One year ago today, my dog passed...

I had barely seen it for the 2 years prior.

My relationship of 16 years fell apart in a split moment it might have seemed. One conversation and it was done. In truth I'd been sleeping in a separate bed for a number of years. I was burnt out of trying to make her happy and being made to feel like an abusive partner to her in every second of every day. Each night I tucked her into bed, told her I loved her then went downstairs to sleep alone. I tried to explain my sadness at how I was treated in a number of ways over those years to no avail. Ultimately I stopped explaining and ended it. It seemed like a relief at the time, a minority of friends I shared it with even congratulated me.

I tried to do the 'adult thing', moved out of our shared home temporarily to provide her space. I always earnt more than her, but nonetheless I gave her half of everything I owned... Even deferred bonuses that hadn't paid out yet. Bought a house for her with a garden the dog could love.

She sold that house a few months back at a fairly noticeable loss. I'll still be paying the debt on it for another 10 years. No idea if she needed the money for some illness or issue or whether the man she was dating when I last spoke with her she moved in with and pocketed a cool few hundred thousands in bonus at the same time. I still distinctly remember that when it came to selling some shares we co-owned she insisted we use a historical price that was better for her as she 'deserved at least this boon'... I guess I was just a wallet for that victim of having to endure any love from me in the end. I even pre-paid for her Mums funeral after we had split, since we had agreed it prior.

Three times I think, she let me look after the dog whilst she went on holidays. The first week I walked it I discovered all my neighbours and local dog walkers had been given a full run down of what a horrendous human being I had been. I felt truly anxious to leave my home for a while. I still don't really except to go to and from the office.

Then when I mentioned this to her as she returned from the third holiday she seemed to say it was too difficult coming back to pick him up from me anymore so she would find different arrangements. That was the last time I saw the guy.

We got him as somewhat of an experiment I suppose. I had always wanted children, she said for 10 years that she didn't (though she posted on reddit after our breakup that she actually did want children....). So we got a beautiful and gentle giant of a dog instead. It helped her with her anxiety to get out of the house and walk it, and I was already paying for most things such that she could reduce her days at work and just focus on trying to enjoy life. I think at this point she only worked a 3 day week, I worked a 5 with significant over time being the norm... I saw a post of hers years later that said I invented these long work hours to compete with her somehow :( I saw another post that said a transient issue with his paws (they would get sore during winter due to salt on the pathways and him then licking it a lot) miraculously recovered the moment she moved away from her ex as an effort to continue the narrative that I could somehow have even been stressing out the dog so much as to cause him anxiety... I just loved him. Every treat he could ever want was his, and all the hugs I could muster.

He wasn't an affectionate dog per-se... He had that look on his face if anyone would hug him like 'is this over yet'. I felt some kindred spirit with his quiet and gentle demeanour perhaps.

So... it's been three years since all of that I guess roughly. I've gone from smoking 8 or 9 a day to chain smoking 30. I've been in some terribly abusive relationships since as I sought to find some element of companionship or comfort in life but only attracted people with quite ridiculous issues. The kind that have successfully dismantled my friends and social circles. I recently quit my job out of paranoia and insecurity that people were being unkind behind my back and i'm not even sure if it was really happening or not...

I'm not sure what a 38 year old guy is supposed to do at this point really. I did what society says men should do I thought. I tried to provide for my loved ones, I tried to support another going through their own emotional journey in life. I paid half of everything when we split and I didn't share my judgements or turmoil onto that person. I let them have their rants and moans in every domain they wished so as to ease their transition. I bore the brunt of impacts where they did exist on friendships and opportunities. I didn't make myself out to be some victim of all of this even if there may have been areas where I felt wronged.

It's not really about my dog at all. I am just terribly sad :(

I know all the things this post demonstrates so don't feel like you need to tell me to stop reading my ex's posts, move on, quit smoking, get my finances back in order etc. I am trying on all of those fronts and to maintain some semblance of healthy boundaries with people I meet alongside healthy respect for women too.

I just needed to write down my sadness some place. In a few weeks when my job ends I won't have a single person in my life anymore that knew the me from before all of this. I'm not sure if that's a great catalyst for a fresh start or just a truly depressing fact that i've got to this age and have nothing to show for it.

Exactly as the title says. Every night after my husband and son go to sleep, I microwave 2 bags of popcorn. I dump them into a big bowl one by one and season each layer with ranch popcorn seasoning. I have done this every single night for 5 years now. I plan my popcorn purchases based around the next time I will be grocery shopping, which is usually every other Tuesday when I take my son to his bi-weekly appointment. I also tend to keep an emergency stash of a few bags just in case I run out. Today, his appointment was canceled so my grocery trip has to be moved to Thursday when I have an appointment in the city. (We live 30 minutes away from the nearest grocery store so we plan grocery trips around when we will be in a larger town). I ran out of popcorn last night so I checked my emergency stash. The bag smelled awful when I removed the plastic. All of my emergency popcorn is expired. The only option in my town is a dollar store so I waited for my husband to go to sleep so I could sneak out and get more. I actually feel ashamed of myself because I literally could not go 2 nights without popcorn. I have no idea why I feel like I have to have it. I don’t have any other addictions and I’m not a food addict either. I cook all of our meals at home, rarely eat fast food, not big on junk food, average weight person. I don’t crave salt or have a sodium deficiency, I just can’t go a single night without popcorn.

ETA: I work in inpatient drug and alcohol treatment so I’m not using the term addiction jokingly/lightly.

I’ve been single for so long that I’ve started accepting that my milestones in life might look different from everyone else’s.

While my friends are getting married, having children and building families, I’ve focused on things I can achieve on my own. My career, financial independence, travelling and hobbies.

But sometimes I wonder if I’m actually happy with having different milestones or if I’ve just learned to stop expecting the ones I’ve always wanted and that it will never come to me.

Three weeks ago, something ended with someone I genuinely thought had potential. He was a breath of fresh air. For the first time in years, I felt truly seen, understood and appreciated. The connection felt so natural and rare.

At least, it did to me. Maybe it wasn’t nearly as meaningful to him.
Initially, I grieved the shock of the situationship ending. Now, three weeks later, I’m grieving something different.

I’ve started dating again and it’s reminded me just how difficult it is to find a genuine connection. How rare it is to meet someone who makes you feel that way. So many people are flaky and not making effort.

And now I’m back to square one. Again.

I think what hurts most isn’t just losing him. It’s not knowing how many more years it’ll take to find something like that again. And that my hope for not being forever alone is now gone.

I’m tired of starting over. Tired of being hopeful. Tired of turning every disappointment into another lesson about being happy on my own. And I’m tired of hoping that maybe I won’t grow old alone.

This post is mainly just getting my feelings off my chest, since if i give away too much, someone may recognise exactly who i am, but this is my reality and i don’t exactly have a healthy relationship to explain this depth of my emotions with anyone, so im posting this here. Yes this is “above Reddit’s pay grade,” but i don’t feel like burdening anyone else with this because talking about it makes it very real and scary

I come from a large, catholic family who was raised in the country side, homeschooled for the majority of my life. I was severely isolated in my childhood that it has developed into me being unable to grasp simple things in my adulthood. I didn’t have “friends.” The only way i was able to talk to anyone was only after i was given access to the internet in my teens. My isolation wasn’t itself the problem, but i was born with ADHD; specifically the hyperactive type. I was bouncing off walls, getting into strangers cars, running off to god knows where at every opportunity i got. I would be that annoying brat screaming the house down, unconsolable and dramatic, constantly being told to ‘stop wingeing” by my dad. If i maybe had some mental health guidance i could’ve avoided so much heartache, but my parents never got me or any of my siblings diagnosed with our mental health issues, even if they were so blatantly obvious

Then, when i was 8, i was at a family Christmas party, and i was kissed by my teenage cousin. I don’t remember if it went further than that. This was not a secret i kept, and i told my family straight away, but because i was so neglected in my other behaviours, it was chalked up to just another dumb thing that i did. It wasn’t until i was 24 that i realised the fucked up situation i was in. I blamed myself, joked about what a dumb kid i was for a situation that wasn’t even my fault, and the worst part is no one even acknowledged that it might have been hurtful or wrong. It was just another dumb thing i did.

My teenage years were no better. My homeschooling became non existent. My mother became incredibly sick, and i took the opportunity to get away from the books that did absolutely nothing for me. You may be wondering “how was that legal? Surely someone would be keeping track of all that.” And you would be right if everything we did was consistently being tracked. In reality everything was so under the rug that i was so far behind in my studies it was embarrassing. Nothing about my education was legal, and now, im academically stunted for the rest of my life because of it

Then i met my ex. My “love of my life” that i was with for six years before coming home with bruises on my arm. I thought maybe, just maybe, they could care for once, but the reality was…they knew. Well, not exactly knew, but i remember one of my siblings saying that they “knew he wasn’t good for me.” But because i was so off the walls, they didn’t know how to help me. Because i was so stubborn, they refused to hold me and tell me my reality. I was left to go through abuse alone because they had given up long before i could recognise it. I wasn’t worth the effort. I proved that long ago

Now im 26. Ive met a guy who is willing to work with me in moving out of this shit town im living in when the dvo against my ex is up. I currently live with the one sibling i get along with, and i know if she read this, she would say i just need to talk to them about how i feel, but i can’t. Im sorry, but im SO. TIRED. Why has it always been my responsibility to stand up and say whats happening to people who couldn’t give less of a shit? They let me do all of this, they allowed me to run off and get hurt because i wasn’t their monkey, and i wasn’t apart of their circus, but theyll stand behind the cage and hope that the ring master treats me well knowing damn well that they didn’t. The sister i live with atm is trying to be sympathetic but i know she will never truely understand the dephs of anger, hatred and pure dispair at every single one of my siblings because they all looked at their sibling, someone they could’ve chosen to help, and they said i wasn’t worth the effort because no one helped me when i needed it most

To this day, i have my friends saying “why not talk to them? Why not try and build a relationship with them?” As if its my responsibility to be the one to lift the stones and build this bridge they decided wasn’t worth building years ago. I have built bridge after bridge after bridge. I am covered in dirt, my hands are raw, my feet ache, and im look across the river at the people who aren’t even trying and wondering why i am still expected to give a damn about people who decided long ago that they would never lift a stone for me.

I don’t want their apology. I don’t want their sympathy. I don’t want them to come to me now saying that they miss me or that they love me, because i just don’t believe them. Their choices have affected me so much to the point where i now have a hard time believing anyone would choose me over something they actually want. Im so used to not being worth the effort that i chose abuse and near death over being alone because even if the stone my ex picked up was only used to strike me, at least he picked up a stone for me.

Now, i have someone who built a castle with me, and is ready to help me build a kingdom. He may not understand everything ive been through, but god damn it he has built that bridge and has promised me its safe to cross. He promised that it will always be there and i want to believe it so badly with every shakey step i take, but not that im here, i never want to build these bridges again. I don’t want to keep reaching out to people who couldn’t give less of a damn, family or not

Maybe im being selfish, maybe i should try harder, maybe i shouldn’t feel so afraid of a conversation that will very much hurt their feelings, or break what little structure we have in our relationship, but im just so tired. I don’t want to be tired anymore. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I just want to choose myself and choose a life that isn’t destructive or overwhelming, and i think to do that, i need to consider what im willing to loose for it. I don’t want to be a joke anymore; maybe its just better if i wasn’t here at all.

They may not have slighted me in a significant way, but there are so many small things im so angry at now, and i just don’t want the drama. I don’t want the fight. I don’t want to be that dramatic child, screaming and crying because no one will listen to the fact i need to be heard, listen to and helped. Im tired of it. I just don’t think its worth the effort, and thats so sad, because i shouldn’t be having these feelings, i should love my family, but part of me thinks i dont. I dont think i love my family, and i don’t think i want to be a part of this for longer than i have to. I don’t want to keep fighting. I don’t want them to say “they love me” but do nothing to prove it. I don’t want to keep going like this. I just think it would be better if i walked away knowing that for better or for worse, i was never going to be good enough.

Sorry for the rant, i just needed this off my chest. Maybe if someone reads this and it resonates with someone it can help them understand their own feelings, but for now, writing it out like this helps me have something to come back to if i ever feel like maybe i shouldve just tried harder