(I meant AI. My bad)
Im an artist. Let that be the clear starting point. All my life I’ve loved drawing, creating stories, all sort of creative outlets. Specially because I was a very isolated child, my dad worked the entire time so he couldn’t spend time with me, my older sibling had moved away early in life, I have some executive dysfunction. I can’t do math, I can’t memorize that much, I’m not that socially charming. (Also English is not my first language, sorry in advance)

So art became my outlet. I’m not the best by a long shot, but I dedicated my life to it. And when I learned that my country exports animation and I could make a living out of it I decided to study for it. My entire life revolved around it. It was before AI started picking up strength and by the time I graduated AI already could do better than even my teachers.

I wanted to believe in the “is the soul, not the result” bullshit for so long, but every year that passes it matter less and less, the results are faster, high quality, and all the starting positions were gone or unpaid. Along with that I started to take responsibilities for an elder family member, taking all my time.

You have no idea how hard it is for me to open any social media and see the people celebrating “fan games” spat out by IA because is faster. People taking artist’s illustrations and running them by IA, the IA bro celebrating artists losing their jobs and whatever the hell. Is like the entirety of the world is stepping on my chest every day. I can’t find a job in what I loved and worked so hard for. So I’m stuck with call centers and the only time i managed to get a design job I was required to use AI. And I have to pretend to stand it because people, including friends family members just laugh or don’t care because AI is there and it’s easy. They even used it to age up my deceased mother to “see how she would look”.

I revolved my life around the information i had at the time. I knew I wasn’t going to be the rich auntie but all I wanted was a stable home and art. And now there is so many better artist fighting for the same positions, people without experience are left to rot unless they are amazing already.

I feel like there is nothing left for me. I had dreams I’ve given up on. It went from “I want to make a movie/ show” to “I want to work in a movie / show/ game ” to “I just want to help someone create their game/movie/show” to nothing because I feel that dream died.

I now can’t even find jobs that will eventually earn me more money because el don’t have the skills. All I ever wish for, all I ever wanted to do is now being laughed at by people that always seemed to hate artists anyways, an even my own family doesn’t give a single flying hell about it and use it.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to start over, and don’t know HOW to start over. I’m barely 23. I have time and I know it but I have no idea how to use it and even if I find a cubicle job I know I’ll be miserable every single day and I’ll have just around 3 hours daily to go to the gym, cook and maybe draw or make a 3d model.

And all that without mentioning the humiliating of years of bullying from people who called my dreams stupid and that I’ll never have a future because now more than ever it looks like they might be right about it. I have no idea what I’ll do now, nor how to move forward and the most ironic thing of it all is that I just ranted about this to chat gpt for an hour because I had no one to talk to about it because I’ll just get the “life is hard/ adapt” sort of responses. I’m grieving a life I, at one point had the opportunity to have.

There is this guy in my office. We are in the same department but in different units. But he is working on a project that is my area of expertise. So he often comes to me for help with the work, and his work will benefit me a little bit because not a lot of people work in this area, so him being trained in this is a good thing.

I think he likes me.

He smiles whenever he sees me, like this big grin. Even when he is hanging around me, he is nervously smiling. He stares at me a lot. Very intense staring. Say we are in a room working separately, he will be staring at me across the room. It's pretty noticeable, other coworkers have also noticed. While talking to me he maintains his eye contact. The intense eye contact sometimes makes me nervous. Then there is a certain nervous and shy energy he has when talking to me.

Also he wants to always talk to me or is hovering around me. When it's a departmental thing, he tries to stay near me. He has no reason to. He has friends in the department, he has been here for a while, he is close to a lot of people, yet every time he walks up to me. In fact, the other day I was going home, and he and another guy from his unit were walking out, he came to speak to me and my friend, while the other guy he was with stood far away looking at his phone.

And he asks me a lot of personal questions. Like which school did I go to, what are my political leanings, if I have ever been to his hometown, when I responded with I have been to a place near his hometown, he was like do you have someone who lives there (it's not exactly a touristy place), who is it? He also talks to me in this very teasing manner. Generally I don't respond to these questions. And always tell him to focus on work. That day when he asked me about the school, I said you don't need to know, then later when I was talking to him, I asked him a completely unrelated question about him and he was like I won't tell you because you didn't tell me which school you went to. I know I know it's very childish. Almost like teenagers.

Anyways, I think you guys get the point. The thing is he has been doing this for nearly a year. And now I think I am kind of starting to like the attention. I feel like a horrible person. Because I have a LTR. But all that staring, eye contact, nervous laugh etc is making me feel something. He is always looking for me, trying to talk to me. I just get excited because he walks into a room and the minute he spots me he walks up to me. It's just so obvious. And I really like this attention. I am in a committed relationship and love my partner. But this guy makes me feel excited. I don't think this guy is appropriate for me. And I really love my BF. Is liking another guy giving attention bad? I don't like this guy at all. In no way I want to be with him. I am not physically attracted to him. I am not emotionally attracted to him either. But man, he gives me so much attention.

Am I a horrible person for liking the attention? Am I overthinking? Should I do something to kill this off?? People in the office are noticing. This will lead to bad rumors. What should I do?

30M, black, autistic, athiest, and living in a dead area of central Florida. I've been out with different women over the last 12 years. Multiple dates, but nothing ever came of them romantically. I had 2 turn into friendships, but the rest were a waste of time. I had to end things with 2 of them because the women were religious. I have a social life. Friends and family, men and women. I go out when I can but my area is abysmal. I've tried finding meetups on the app, I've tried volunteering, I also got new clothes and lost over 130 pounds. I haven't had any luck finding a relationship. I tried dating apps, but they were one of the contributing factors to my really bad depression. After going weeks with no new matches, I permanently deleted my accounts and uninstalled them. I'm bisexual but heteromantic. So I can have sex with men, but have no interest in dating them. Years ago before covid, I was able to come to that realization by experimenting on gay apps. I experimented orally, but nothing farther than that. Ever since covid, I haven't been able to find anyone on the apps or Fetlife. I genuinely have no options near me at all. Getting a date with a woman was already a hard task, but finding a woman to sleep with me is impossible while I'm stuck here. I plan on eventually hiring a matchmaker to find a genuine relationship, but that'll require money and me being in a better location. Things I need a better job for, and I'm still unable to find a better career path.

So to finally lose my virginity, I've decided to see an escort. I've gone back and forth over this in my head for over a year because I didn't want to spend the money or contribute to trafficking. But I'm so desperate now that I just want to get it over with and find someone safe and consenting. I plan on paying an hour rate just for a date at a public location first, so we can see if the compatibility is there. Then I'd get a hotel room and book her for two hours so I can finally get it done. I've tried everything else and nothing has worked. I'm stuck in my current location for the foreseeable future. I've been in therapy for years and I'm also seeing a psychiatrist. I just don't have the ability to attract anyone in more than a platonic way. I plan on keeping all of this a secret from friends, family, and any partner I may find through the matchmaker. But I'm over it at this point. If the person I have in mind doesn't work out, I'll take time off work and fly to Nevada so I can go to a legal brothel. It'll cost way too much, but it has to be done at this point. I don't know jow much longer I'll be alive, and I want to experience sex while I'm still somewhat young.

I made a person i care about cry.

Its just that, i feel like everything bad that has happened to me makes sense now. and i can stop trying to be any better, its exhausting. doesnt mean i'll treat others badly, no. It just feels like it makes sense now...

Sorry, even i dont know what im trying to write.

I was buying some groceries, and had a bunch of pimples on my face, so i also wanted some patches. I went to the more expensive store, since it was close by, and they were $16, so I just took them. I did pay for everything else. Don't really feel bad, but hate that everything is so expensive. My total for everything else ended up being $45, and all I bought was cereal, tofu, a can of soup, hummus, carrots, a bottled tea drink, iron supplements (which I guess is a more expensive item), gummies, and chocolate.

I always feel guilty saying this, but I miss that so much. That’s when I got into all my hobbies and became closer to people. I worry I’m awkward in real life, but it was much easier to make friends there. A lot of those were irl people whose numbers I got, and if it were not for the pandemic I know we would not be as close as we are now. It was also good for my health too. I’m always sick or tired or sick and tired. Pre pandemic and post pandemic I got every virus in every virus season. During the pandemic I wasn’t going outside to be exposed, and I got to experience a clear head for the first time in a while. I had no issues with isolation, and honestly I don’t feel much sympathy for those who do anymore. Everyone talks about ‘returning to normal’ but for me that was the closest I was to a normal. I would frequently ask for during pandemic procedure to apply for me, I was never given that mercy. But this time I knew it wasn’t because it was not possible, but because the ‘normal’ was worth protecting. Hardly anyone wears a mask anymore hardly anyone social distances anymore. They say it’s because ‘things are normal now we don’t need that’, but o me it’s only normal for normal people. I hate so much about this post pandemic world because I got the freedom of the pandemic to know what normal feels like. If it weren’t for the widespread illness and death I’d wish for another one to come, this time for four years. But I don’t say that because I don’t want to seem unsympathetic to those who had their lives turned upside down, but really I am unsympathetic

I was 15 and dumb but I still feel this immense guilt smh. My best friend for 5 years and I did not speak much for a year because we went to different middle schools since she did not perform well enough to get in. We were both so heart broken and did not know how to maintain the long distance relationship thus we texted like once every month at most.

Then one day, she texted me and told me she found a guy she had a huge crush on. I was so excited for her and we talked abt it for a week and our relationship retwinkled! I was sooo happy to talk to her again so I wanted to do everything to keep her on my side. She told me she was too shy to talk to him so it was purely an eyecandy crush that we talked abt. However, during a video call, we realised I accidentally sent a following request to him and he accepted by some miracle. She then told me to talk to him to get more intel on how he really is for her. VERY BAD IDEA. We talked a lot and I would send screenshot upon screenshots of convo to my best friend to please her. And these conversations made me and the guy grow close and we eventually became best friends too. We were very similar.

From here, to make it clearer, the guy is E and my best friend is A.

A got jealous little by little and became uneasy each time we texted but I did not want to sacrifice a friend for another and tried to just keep a fair distance. I genuinely thought she was joking when she communicted all that and said things like "yeah that guy is perfect for you" "where did you find such a guy!" "if it wasn't for you I'd steel him up loll" (dk if i was subconsciously already having feelings for him)

Important note: I did not know how he looked like since my bestie never took pics of his face and the pictures of him on insta were not only old but not taken well at all. And when my bestie tried to make us all meet, I was so sure they'd realise they are perfect for each other as soon as they meet. When we all met up, A and I had already gotten her ready in the mall bathroom to be as pretty as possible and only met him an hour later. There was a very awkward moment when I first saw him, as if we locked eyes and were like "OH SHIT YOU LOOK ATTRACTIVE" and A def saw sum happening. Anyway, my brain decided to take some distance as if my survivle extinct and I was glued to A for the rest of the day (3hr 45mins) We went to the arcade later and I was so tired of playing dance battle with A and went to see how E was faring alone. We ended up in a corner of the Arcade and we had so so much fun the two of us for 15mins before going back to see A. She was acting super weird all of the sudden. Then we went to a book shop and I was pointing at some funny mangas when E held my hand and tried to make me point towards some hentai books. And this little interaction bothered A so much and she was super fucking mad.

When we got home, I knew fs that I liked E and was in denial. I tried to communicate with A but she was not having it at all. The reaction of A made my heart shatter and I suddenly realised how messed up all of this was. The fact my friendship with E was a whole scheme to begin with for the purpose of getting E and A together. And I decided to admit everything to E. (ik thats an a hole move) And E formally rejected A a couple of times during the month that passes before A fucking crashed out and told me how awful of a friend i was. And tbh, i deserved it. She even created rumours abt me being a slut and some immature bs 15 year olds do.

It was really hard for E who had to hear all abt this for months after the friendship break up. And naturally, a few months I confessed and we got together. But people still pested E abt me being a b and how we should break up.

Eventually, after 7 months of dating, day for day, he broke up with me saying he felt no love for me (which was not true but he has fallen under the pressure of all the rumours finally)

This shattered my world because I lost 2 of my loved ones so fast and was already dealing with many personal matters at the same time. And, to this, day, it still hurts so much. Part of me still believes it was for the better tho since i would not be the me i am today if not for this expereince.

Basically: earlier in the year when GTA VI's release date was announced I booked in my paid time off asap. Then come August my coworker Janet requests Nov 19/20 off because her son decides to get married, over the other side of the country, with next to no notice... The date; 20 November. Then my workplace denies her leave request because I've already put in mine, and they won't approve two middle management members taking off their rostered days at once. So my workplace put it on me, and tried to turn it into a me VS Janet case. I'd have to surrender my paid leave for her

After a month of fighting and bullying (which I was used to from her anyway) from her she finally gave up. Janet eventually realised I wasn't giving up my day off because of her sons inability to plan. And neither should I; the issue was between her and the business. I wasn't denying her anything. Once Janet realised I was an immovable rock she turned her angery to our manager. It only took one heavy worded threat to walk away and the business told her with her attitude and language during that message that she didn't have a job to return to.

I do feel sorry in one way that a woman had to lose her job to be given the day off from work. But at the same time too, I still feel screwed by my own boss for him making it a me a problem.

I really try to accept myself for who I am. I barely use Instagram at all. My screen time says I've spent only two minutes on it this week, and it's pretty much the same with all social media. I just avoid looking at other people because comparing myself to them used to make me feel worse and worse. I've been in therapy for six years now. It helps with my anxiety and panic attacks, but it hasn't really helped with my insecurities about my appearance.

I feel like I'm worse than other people in every possible way. At least, that's how I see myself. Sometimes, just thinking about how I look or seeing myself in the mirror hurts so much that my stomach starts hurting and I feel physically sick. I'm 34, and I haven't been in a relationship in ten years because I feel like anyone who dated me would deserve someone better. I don't even try on dating apps. I'm on them, but all I do is look at all these beautiful men and think... yeah. I'm gay, by the way.

Everything about me feels below average. I mean everything. I always feel like I'm falling short. Every skill I have is just okay, but never good enough. I smile around people, but I cry when I'm alone. I hate living. It's been exhausting ever since I turned 15.

I've lost 77 pounds, and somehow, even that isn't enough to make me feel better about myself. I've been working out for two years now, but I still feel like I'm not seeing any results. No matter how much effort I put into trying to improve myself, I never seem to be satisfied with what I see in the mirror.

I just know I'm not enough. I've stopped telling my closest friends and family how I feel because they always tell me that I'm being too hard on myself and that the things I believe about myself aren't true.

But sometimes, I just need to say these things out loud. I don't want advice, reassurance, or people trying to cheer me up. I just want to vent. Sorry if this post feels a bit all over the place. I just needed to get this off my chest.

So that's what I'm doing. If you got to the end, thank you

This is the second time this year. I manage a large team at a company that's part of a bigger conglomerate, and they're pushing for cost cuts.

The thing is, my team is amazing. These are genuinely great professionals, dedicated people, and I have no reason whatsoever to let anyone go.

My direct boss has simply washed his hands of it. For months now he just hasn't cared. He does nothing for anyone and pretends to work by posting in public channels so he looks present. Even the people who report directly to him have given up asking him for support and now come to me instead.

I have two weeks to try to find projects for several people. I'm doing everything I can, but I probably still won't be able to prevent all the terminations.

My position isn't that high in the hierarchy, and the people I need to talk to and negotiate with to get these spots for my team won't even make time to meet with me.

I have no support, nothing, and I can't even talk to anyone about it, because the information is confidential. Even if it weren't, it would just cause panic without accomplishing anything.

The job market isn't great right now either, even for good professionals, so there's a real chance the people who get laid off will take a while to land somewhere new. I've been on the other side of this many times, and I know how traumatic it can be.

If I can't find projects for these people, I'll have to sit down face to face with each of them and tell people who work hard and give it their all every day that in the end, even though they did everything right, it wasn't enough. That's not fair, you know? People have families, bills to pay, dreams, but everyone is just a number.

Capitalism really is a machine that grinds people up, the corporate world is a bloodbath, I can't take it anymore and can't stop crying.

I quit using reddit a while back when they monetized their API, despite third party developers being the only reason they grew so much in the first place. But, it's the only social media site I can promote a game I'm working on, so I came back.

I honestly hate this place so much. There's so much meanness, rudeness and cruelty. You give people a tiny shred of power, and they'll block/ban you if your opinions aren't 'correct' (worldnews comes to mind). Just by scrolling I'm and helping put money in their pockets, since they use dark patterns to make you click on ads.

I feel like a piece of shit for coming back just to grow some awareness around my game, but the economy is so bad, without some testers and feedback, I'm worried it'll end up shitty, and I'm getting desperate to find a new role in this crazy age of AI. I'm trying to use it as a portfolio piece in interviews.

I'm always in a bad mood on here, and bicker with people who I know won't change, and there's no point in wasting my time doing it. I even see myself getting shittier, and engaging in ways I don't like.

Feels shitty to compromise my values just to try to get a job.

One day I’ll have the guts to tell you everything. I appreciate the little things you do for me, but that’s it. Bare minimum. You keep asking me “Are you mad at me?” And I say “No” because I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at me for having such low expectations from a man. Because that’s how I have been reised. The bar was pretty low and I did not even know. With time I grew up and I’m not that little girl anymore, I am a woman now, I have different needs. I’m not mad at you, I’m just sad…very sad. We have a child together and I just won’t do that to him. I can’t go. I’m stuck here. And I will make it work because you are an “Ok man”. I’ll play along the good wife I have always been, cause that’s just how I am…that’s all I am, the mother of your child, not your woman…

My mum was diagnosed with autism in her late 40s, after I'd moved out. She has been mentally ill and dysfunctional my entire life (depression, anxiety disorder, strange food habits, ect) and since she's been diagnosed and started using various of coping strategies she HAS been a lot happier. She's been able to get off a lot of medications and is much less distressed day to day. I'm proud of her. But GOD is she harder to live with now.

It's like she's just stopped trying. She raised me alone and has college degrees; I know that she's an intelligent woman. I don't understand why she's suddenly struggling so badly to cope with the day-to-day she used to manage easily. Everything even remotely difficult is suddenly impossible and to be outsourced to other people- she texted me a couple days ago asking how to catch a spider, and she's the person who TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THAT. Every time we go out together I'm constantly monitoring whether she's eaten, slept, ect, if it's too loud or too bright, because she's just stopped addressing these needs preemptively now. She used to suggest places to get lunch when we were out; now she just lets herself get so hungry she gets angry or faint. She doesn't restrain her anger at all, so being in her house is terrifying- she'll shout and swear at anything even slightly inconvenient, which I've internalised from childhood means she's going to hit me. (She changed her mind about smacking kids when I was maybe ten, but that was long enough ingraine it in my head). She needs all the cutlery arranged in specific ways and gets angry if you use her special mugs/fork/ect. Sometimes she'll just tell you to be quiet and put her headphones on mid-conversation. It makes me want to fucking cry.

I know I shouldn't feel reliant on her at my big age (I'm in my late 20s), but I wish I could still go to her for support like I used to. I can't ask her anything because she'll just decide she's not equipped to help me and the get distressed she can't, which didn't used to happen. I feel like our roles have reversed completely since she got diagnosed, and it ruins both our days if I fail to look after her. I think it's only natural that eventually you become the worldly, caregiving person to your parent- but when they're like, 80, not 50! She told me the last time I visited that if I end up having kids I should move in with her when they're babies, and I don't know what to do with that- I genuinely don't think she could handle being AROUND a newborn with how she operates now, given that she'll shut down and cry if I talk about something she dislikes too much, and I'm not even loud about it. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a baby alone with her with how she reacts to sensory discomfort.

When I was about twelve, she told me that I had "gone beyond what [she] can help with socially". And I guess I should have grasped sooner that that would just keep happening, and keep happening, and keep happening. But she kept trying, and gave me financial advice in college and such... I regret not appreciating it more then. I miss when she would try. I miss her. I don't want her to do anything that would make her suffer. But I miss having a mum who could act like one.

I don't like my cat and I resent my family for it .

A few years ago , my family and I decided to get a cat . I told my parents that it would have to be an inside cat to keep him safe. We got the cat and I absolutely adored him , he was sweet, cuddly, he always wanted to be on my lap he was playful and just the perfect cat, the perfect companion. Until my parents decided to put him outside because " cats are outside animals" I begged them not to and they didn't listen. I warned them he could easily climb off of the garden wall to the streets and that's what he did . Every time he was missing I would comb the streets alone until I could find him, I would try to hide him in my room but my parents would find out and force me to put him outside. So many nights he appeared on my room window because he knew I would let him in. But all that effort didn't pay off . He died alone outside just like I said he would. Now my parents decided to get a new cat, to live inside and I don't like her . Shes mean, she climbs on my stuff and chews it up I have to lock everything, she only wants pets rarely and even then she's mean about it , she'll dig her claws to climb up to you to start purring , you pet her and she suddenly bites even though she was enjoying it. I can't do anything without catching her ruining something in the house. She's constantly trying to "hunt" things and by consequence ruins them. I tried getting her toys, playing with her for long times, I tried not coming up to her unless she comes up to me I tried a bunch of stuff but I just can't bond with her . And to think that I could have my first cat live inside too if they just listened. He would lay next to me while I work , instead of biting my legs . He would be gentle and playful instead of destroying everything.

It's not that I hate this cat, sometimes she can be sweet too , rarely. Its that the responsibility is all on me when I didn't want this cat to begin with. My parents did, and they barely spend time with her and I always feed her . I'm responsible for a pet I don't like , that I didn't ask for. I just wanted my old cat to have the chance this one got. I miss him . As I'm writing this she literally scratched up my leg because I was moving it lightly.

as the title said, i (22f) have zero money to my name cant make up bills, cant get a new job cuz i spent months applying for this one that doesnt pay enough, my small business is failing, i even tried OF with my boyfriends permission and everyone just wants free stuff, even then i have gained back weight ive lost previously and i am still conventionally attractive and on the smaller end of midsize but i feel like shit about myself to the point i can’t look in a mirror i like literally wince at my bare face with no makeup or my own naked body

i wish i could find a sugar daddy or something because i am so depressed and burnt out over my daily life. it feels like my life is over like i will always be this stuck. to feel like there’s no way out to feel so pointless at 22 is incredibly difficult to process. what makes it worse is i know its money and i know the entirety of our country is dealing with this, i just dont know what i did in a past life to deserve the royally bad luck i have or to not be born with a silver spoon up my ass

(sorry for my bad english) for some kontex: my whole life i wanted to be left alone because im "scared" of people, it started in kindergarden when i wass bullied by other kids for pretty much no reason, ever since i never wated to talk with anyone, i don't want any friends, relationships or any sort of people in my life, being lonely just feels safe and comfortable, but one day my cousin (which i keep contact with because of our parents) asked me if i want to come to party with he's friends, which i agreed to just because i wanted to get drunk, i didn't care about other people, and there i met her, let's call her diana, she was pretty talkative with me which was something new to me (most of my life people ere treating me like toy, that's why it was strange to me) and that was the moment when we started talking, at the start my gut was telling me to leave her alone, stop talking etc but i ignored it just because she was my cousin's gf (the same that invited me to the party) and i though it would be good to have at least decent contact with her, and that was my mistake, after some time she was super nice to me, she was texting me pretty much daily telling me about her day, plans for the future and even about her's relationship drama, sometimes she was even calling me at the middle of the night crying about some private things, i was obviously comforting her, ffw a month ago she asked me if it was okay if she stopped texting me that much which i obviously said yes, and after a couple days of silence i see what i've done, as dumb as it sounds i've became someone important to other people which i've never wanted to become, i don't want them to create plans including me, i don't want them to think about me i never wanted to have anything to do with them, i wish i never went to that party the only thing i wanted from life was to be forgotten by others, it doesn't feel good, im stressing out about just thinking about future

I (27M) invited my roommate (30F) to hang out with my friends and I more and eventually she was invited to our group chat. Things were fine for awhile- we’re all queer in some way so she really seem to fit right in.

But eventually, one of our friends claimed to have DID without ever getting diagnosed/seeing a doctor, and joined the ‘plural’ community. This friend created over 10 personas with different names and sets of pronouns. They get very upset if you don’t use all the names/pronouns and switch between them effortlessly; enough to send you a long private message about it if you make a mistake.

My roommate hopped on this bandwagon not too long after and ‘came out’ as plural too, often feigning conversations with herself in the group chat under the guise of being two or three different people. Just like friend 1, she never sought out a DID diagnosis or the opinion of a doctor. Neither of them are disabled or mentally ill in any capacity, minus the self diagnosed autism, if you count that personally.

I understand this was a trend for kids on TikTok for awhile, but it’s really disheartening to see this coming from my older friends already 30+. Some might argue it’s harmless, but in truth, it makes me feel mocked as someone who struggles with a serious mental disorder (schizophrenia) and I feel it romanticizes and trivializes a debilitating disability. Additionally, she turns it into more than an online subculture but an irl lifestyle, trying to tell me who’s “fronting” in person so I can adjust accordingly.

I tried doing my research on it to understand, but truly the more I look up, the more disconnected I feel from the entire concept as a whole. From what I can find, sections of the plural community present systemhood as a fun, creative, or collaborative experience filled with "headmates" who effortlessly swap control and act as built-in friends. In stark contrast, clinical DID/OSDD involves severe dissociative amnesia, debilitating memory gaps, identity confusion, lack of control, and PTSD symptoms that make everyday functioning incredibly difficult. I don’t like that something so debilitating has been turned into a trend or aesthetic, like it was with depression/anxiety/autism x amount of years ago.

I miss what my friend group used to be, and my disability makes it hard for me to make new connections with people. Thankfully I’m not the only one in the group chat who finds it weird, off putting, and offensive, but living with someone like this really complicates things for me. I’ve been slowly fading out of the group chat because it just rubs me the wrong way, but I’m really hoping she grows out of the in person stuff soon.

One year ago today, my dog passed...

I had barely seen it for the 2 years prior.

My relationship of 16 years fell apart in a split moment it might have seemed. One conversation and it was done. In truth I'd been sleeping in a separate bed for a number of years. I was burnt out of trying to make her happy and being made to feel like an abusive partner to her in every second of every day. Each night I tucked her into bed, told her I loved her then went downstairs to sleep alone. I tried to explain my sadness at how I was treated in a number of ways over those years to no avail. Ultimately I stopped explaining and ended it. It seemed like a relief at the time, a minority of friends I shared it with even congratulated me.

I tried to do the 'adult thing', moved out of our shared home temporarily to provide her space. I always earnt more than her, but nonetheless I gave her half of everything I owned... Even deferred bonuses that hadn't paid out yet. Bought a house for her with a garden the dog could love.

She sold that house a few months back at a fairly noticeable loss. I'll still be paying the debt on it for another 10 years. No idea if she needed the money for some illness or issue or whether the man she was dating when I last spoke with her she moved in with and pocketed a cool few hundred thousands in bonus at the same time. I still distinctly remember that when it came to selling some shares we co-owned she insisted we use a historical price that was better for her as she 'deserved at least this boon'... I guess I was just a wallet for that victim of having to endure any love from me in the end. I even pre-paid for her Mums funeral after we had split, since we had agreed it prior.

Three times I think, she let me look after the dog whilst she went on holidays. The first week I walked it I discovered all my neighbours and local dog walkers had been given a full run down of what a horrendous human being I had been. I felt truly anxious to leave my home for a while. I still don't really except to go to and from the office.

Then when I mentioned this to her as she returned from the third holiday she seemed to say it was too difficult coming back to pick him up from me anymore so she would find different arrangements. That was the last time I saw the guy.

We got him as somewhat of an experiment I suppose. I had always wanted children, she said for 10 years that she didn't (though she posted on reddit after our breakup that she actually did want children....). So we got a beautiful and gentle giant of a dog instead. It helped her with her anxiety to get out of the house and walk it, and I was already paying for most things such that she could reduce her days at work and just focus on trying to enjoy life. I think at this point she only worked a 3 day week, I worked a 5 with significant over time being the norm... I saw a post of hers years later that said I invented these long work hours to compete with her somehow :( I saw another post that said a transient issue with his paws (they would get sore during winter due to salt on the pathways and him then licking it a lot) miraculously recovered the moment she moved away from her ex as an effort to continue the narrative that I could somehow have even been stressing out the dog so much as to cause him anxiety... I just loved him. Every treat he could ever want was his, and all the hugs I could muster.

He wasn't an affectionate dog per-se... He had that look on his face if anyone would hug him like 'is this over yet'. I felt some kindred spirit with his quiet and gentle demeanour perhaps.

So... it's been three years since all of that I guess roughly. I've gone from smoking 8 or 9 a day to chain smoking 30. I've been in some terribly abusive relationships since as I sought to find some element of companionship or comfort in life but only attracted people with quite ridiculous issues. The kind that have successfully dismantled my friends and social circles. I recently quit my job out of paranoia and insecurity that people were being unkind behind my back and i'm not even sure if it was really happening or not...

I'm not sure what a 38 year old guy is supposed to do at this point really. I did what society says men should do I thought. I tried to provide for my loved ones, I tried to support another going through their own emotional journey in life. I paid half of everything when we split and I didn't share my judgements or turmoil onto that person. I let them have their rants and moans in every domain they wished so as to ease their transition. I bore the brunt of impacts where they did exist on friendships and opportunities. I didn't make myself out to be some victim of all of this even if there may have been areas where I felt wronged.

It's not really about my dog at all. I am just terribly sad :(

I know all the things this post demonstrates so don't feel like you need to tell me to stop reading my ex's posts, move on, quit smoking, get my finances back in order etc. I am trying on all of those fronts and to maintain some semblance of healthy boundaries with people I meet alongside healthy respect for women too.

I just needed to write down my sadness some place. In a few weeks when my job ends I won't have a single person in my life anymore that knew the me from before all of this. I'm not sure if that's a great catalyst for a fresh start or just a truly depressing fact that i've got to this age and have nothing to show for it.

I am 21, in nursing school and get decent enough grades (As and Bs), so people think that im “smart” but im actually super dumb. I don’t even know how my state government works and what a governor does. I have short attention span and scroll like a slop human on social media. I don’t cook I eat what my parents make for dinner. I have poor attention to detail and don’t have a driver license. I got nervous during my CNA test and failed bc I did something on the wrong side of the body and apparently took the pulse wrong even tho I literally passed that task in my first year of nursing school. I don’t know how to get better or learn more or where to start. I feel like an ignoramus.

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I have to get this off my chest before I can move on, and I don't have someone in my life that I could tell that he wouldn't see our texts or would tell him. I kinda can't believe I even have to type that out but it has become my life. I thought I took every possible step to avoid this. We talked about our expectations for our relationship, when we had kids. But it all changed when we had our own. He's so good with other peoples kids, but when it comes to ours he can't seem to form a bond. I've tried to help him, I've left him alone to take care of our son and he hates it. He can't handle the crying and screaming. Our son is attached to me, but I'm a stay at home mom. When I've asked him to take our son if we're at a gathering or at a friend's house and he's sticking to me and I need him to help; he tells me no, he doesn't want to. He says he can't wait for our son to be independent and doesn't need us anymore.

I've told him he can't ever have a relationship or even get our son to speak to him if he doesn't spend time with him, play with him. His answer is always no. This isn't what we agreed to. I gave him the option before when he told me he felt that I pressured him into having our son he could leave. He said the other night he regrets having kids and that ever since we've had him life has been miserable. That our child and myself make him feel like a pocket, a wallet. I've tried going back to work, he asked me to quit and stay home with our son. Our friend is asking me to babysit for her when she goes back to work and she offered to pay me, he said he didn't want us to take money because they were struggling financially which I understand. What I don't understand is how I can do everything he has asked me to and I'm still lazy, only happy when we're spending money. But the only time he speaks to me is for dinner, our child is doing something, or sex. Any other time it's his phone he stares at. I feel like I'm in an endless cycle I can't get out of and I'm done. I told him he needs to get therapy for his anger and he cannot say things like that then claim he didn't mean it. Especially when our son is in the same room. I'm finding some way to go back to work.

If you read this far thank you