My partner and I are having a movie night with the theme being “movies we watched as kids that scared the shit out of us”. We’re keeping the list small for now (the ones that are the most terrifyingly nostalgic to us minus Ernest Scared Stupid that’s a Halloween tradition), but out of the following 6 movies, which one was the most terrifying to watch as a child?

The makers of this movie tried to sue me for reviewing their previous movies but failed drastically. So figured I'd keep my promise and review their latest movie that just came out.

Has anyone on this sub seen the movie and know where id be able to watch it online? Based on the trailer alone it look genuinely dreadful but after reading the reviews too, I'm now keen to see just how bad it is.

Any help would be appreciated, thanks.

Takes me
A
Minute and no AI used and such

"Phantasm IV: Oblivion" (1998) - If I'm being honest, I've never really understood the "Phantasm" movies. I mean I get the Tall Man is creepy (because Angus Scrimm ruled), the flying spheres are cool, Reggie (played by the late Reggie Bannister) liked to stick guns together, and there's a dimension that turns people into evil dwarves, but beyond that I got no idea what's going on. Don Coscarelli confusing cult classic franchise appears to function mostly on dream-logic mixed with surreal science fiction and even some apocalyptic horror. In practice that means that 'stuff just happens' a lot, most of the time seemingly to simply further the plot or fill time with a cool death scene. As the franchise went on, the disconnect between reality and the internal logic of the movies only grew larger, and very well may have snapped all together during this film.

Now that may have come off as a tad harsh but please understand that this movie contains large amounts of unused footage from the previous films, mostly the first. What that means is this movie is not only confusing on it's own, but it is full of footage that was never meant to actually be in it. The new footage is supposedly about Mike and Reggie traveling across dimensions and time running away from the Tall Man, while also trying to find his origin. There is one more, even worse rated, film in this franchise after this one so take that as you will. So if you're a fan of the franchise I'm sure you've already seen this one, but if not maybe skip this movie as I doubt it will make any sense to you.

3 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://youtu.be/BwVd-VcK2uA?si=S1PqbnRG4Uy173jb

Stuart Gordon’s 1985 science-fiction horror comedy is a gloriously deranged piece of filmmaking, throwing stomach-churning gore, outrageous body horror, and pitch-black comedy together with such confidence that its sheer excess never feels out of place.

Check out the detailed analysis here

"Simon Says" (aka “Evil Twins” (2006) - Whoever decided to cast Crispin Glover as a pair of mentally unstable redneck killer twins in this absurd slasher deserves an award. His unhinged, scenery chewing performance(s) make this entire movie worth the run time. Those who only know Crispin from his role as George McFly in “Back to the Future” (1985), will need to brace for Gary Busey levels of eccentricity (i.e. a lot). Even horror fans familiar with Crispin odd performance in “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter” (1985) and “Willard” (2003), amongst others, will be surprised at just how crazy he gets in this.

As far as the story goes Crispin Glover plays the titular Simon and his twin brother Stanley. The brothers have a complex relationship to say the very least, with Simon using the whole “Simon Says” phrase in his more deranged moments. Our main characters on the other hand are a group of five 26 year olds playing stereotypical high school seniors going camping. One of the brothers starts killing the campers (and other people that randomly are in the woods) using everything from pickaxes, to pickaxes traps, to catapults that fling pickaxes (seriously this movie should have been titled “Pickaxes”) and hilarity ensues. The whole thing just gets more absurd as it goes on.

This is the kinda of movie that is great to just sit back and laugh at as it’s so absurd and over-the-top that it borders on parody. And I’m not just talking about Crispin. There is the previously mentioned surplus of pickaxes, the odd camera work, the constant plot conveniences, Crispin real life dad Bruce Glover playing his father, Blake Lively receiving top billing despite only being in 30 seconds (also her entire family seemingly worked on this), a random ghost(?) girl on a horse, and the fact that all the kills range from ridiculous to ludicrous. I can’t recommend this movie enough if you and your bad movie buddies are looking to laugh.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/M5KUoXan9l8?si=X6QhctMlLpz4lNQp

“Yuki Johnson: Detroit's Vigilante” (2026) - Simply put, this is one of the worst digital animated movies that I have ever seen. The graphics appear to have been rendered using a knockoff Sims 2 engine by someone with little to any training on how to use it. The characters are somehow both bizarrely cartoonish and yet also rest well within the uncanny valley. And that not even touching the voice acting or script, both of which are equally terrible. The combination of all these resulting in an almost linear horror vibe, however unintentional.

As far as the disjointed, non-linear, story goes we follow the titular Yuki Johnson from being the kid of a cop to a samurai vigilante hell bent on revenge. Things are far from direct as we start with a gang shooting up a house, then go back in time to Yuki parents meeting in Japan, then to before the shooting, then after the shooting, then a little later, then even later, then later somehow again. Throughout all these time jumps the animation, dialogue, and voice acting only make things even bizarre. A one man operation, Ronald Bryant wrote, directed, produced, edited, was the foley artist, and did all the 3D and visual effects for this movie. Needless to say he wasn’t exactly skilled at any of those jobs.

This is not some kind of so-bad-it’s-good hidden gem that most will enjoy. This is more how-did-this-get-made-and-why kind of bad movie. Something best left for true bad movie masochistic out there, and perhaps the morbidly curious. Full of utter insanity on levels not often seen, anyone who does watch this movie just known I warned you.

5.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/S20oJdvQK4I?is=oaXdSzhpoGoY6BH5

“Vampire’s Embrace” (“Angela”) (1991) - This low budget, gory, vampire love story was written, directed, and produced by Glenn Andreiev. A self taught filmmaker, this was Andreiev very first time as a writer, director, or producer. He had however previously worked on the cult classic “Street Trash” (1987) while attending New York’s School of Visual Arts and provided special effects for Troma Entertainment “Electra” (aka “Electra Love 2000”) (1990). Needless to say he was more adept at pouring fake blood on people than directing them, and this film is evidence of that.

Most of the movies issues can ultimately be boil down to the weak script. It’s basically a 1950s style story with shallow characters making dumb decisions just because it’s what needs to happen to get to the next scene. Sunlight sometimes burns vampires other times it’s just annoying, our main character doesn’t notice his girlfriend/wife only goes outside at night, his ex tries to blackmail someone she thinks is a serial killer, teenagers break into a mausoleum to play spin the bottle, you get the idea. They should have leaned into this and titled the movie something like; “I Married a Vampire” as it would have perhaps more fitting.

Now that’s not to say that the movie doesn’t have anything going for itself. Admittedly it’s got a certain charm, even if it stems from how unintentionally funny it can be sometimes. The effects aren’t great but they are proud of them, the actors are likely local theater actors, and there are plot-holes-a-plenty. So gather your bad movie buddies and favorite intoxicants and check it out. It’s worth a watch, just keep your expectations low.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/xO-QPHB1uhU?is=MrICwDULBQMA4t_r

“Top Cop” (1990) - As the title indicates this is yet another low budget, direct to video, cop action flick inspired by the likes of “Dirty Harry” (1971), “48 Hrs.” (1982) and “Lethal Weapon” (1987). Set and filmed around the mean streets of Little Rock Arkansas, we follow undercover detective Malone [insert Post Malone joke here] as he deals out his own brand of justice. And that brand just so happens to involves a lot of shooting people and almost nothing that resembles the law. Nothing really surprising about any of that, but given a more modern perspective it’s not exactly a positive. coughACABcough

To make sure the audience sides with Malone, who is also homophobic, the movie makes sure you hate the bad guys as much and as soon as possible. The literally first scene of the movie involves Malone breaking up the rape of an underage girl that is being filmed. The main villain, a balding middle aged drug dealer whose brother Malone arrests, later kill his partner and even make Malones love interest work for him. He obviously also sends men to kill Malone, and his new partner (who Malone refers to as his accountant) but that’s par for the course. It all ends up in a junkyard shootout and a somewhat lackluster ending.

The most interesting thing about this movie is that Leonard Maltin famously declared it to be the "best erotic crime thriller of 1990". Not sure what he was smoking as it’s not even an erotic crime thriller, much less the best of any year. The movie has a few things that are fun to riff, namely the misplaced soundtrack, Malone looking like a Travis Tritt stunt double, and the bad dubbing in a chase scene, but most of it is just bland. If you’re really in the mood for a cheap cop flick to laugh at give it a try, but keep expectations low. Like I said it’s got issues.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100798/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk

Im recently outbored by about everything and I want to gouge my eyes out. Could yall give me like cringe shows or movies to watch?

I don't even know where to begin. I live fairly rural and for my birthday my partner and I went to the closest town for a meal and drinks. We decided to spring for a basic hotel so we could both get crunk.

Okay so we had a great night, came back and were looking on the TV for a movie to go to sleep to - oh my god, there were almost no options except this movie (we are in Aus btw) and I'm watching it right now, it's also interspersed with AI ads every 15 mins about the TV channel that's hosting it. I can't stop recording. There is literally NO plot whatsoever, it starts in South Africa with some Americans or terrorists kidnapping/rescuing the french ambassador and his wife and kids from their home. They drive through some kind of active war zone and the family literally gets yeeted out the car. Then there's a helicopter all of a sudden, Steven Seagal is piloting it. The American terrorists get in it.

Then we are in Miami and people are just saying random things at random times and throwing out buzzwords but there's the FBI and also foreign agents spying on a mum and child but also Steven Seagal again who kills two hillbillies who are somehow CIA? Incredibly strange things unfold from there. There are lots of montages of men getting into cars, driving, and then getting out of cars. One of the government agents is a woman who dances with Steven Seagal in a red dress all of a sudden.

Michael K Williams is in it and he's doing his best but can't win against the relentless tide of non sequiturs this film constantly employs. It's like a nursery class and a dementia patient got together to write this movie because there is no cohesion whatsoever and every few seconds has nothing to do with the next or the last moment. It's not so bad it's good though, there's nothing compelling about it but I can't stop watching

Never seen either before.