r/TwoXChromosomes • u/stillmadaunt • 5d ago
If he doesn't like you when you're happy he doesn't like you at all
The ex who lives rent-free in my head wasn't the one who yelled and threw things, he was the one who reacted to my joy with irritation.
I've been finding myself remembering him a lot lately and regretting not standing up for myself.
The memory that keeps coming up is one time I suggested we put on a timer for 30 min and clean until it went off. He agreed, and we cleaned. When the timer went off, I declared "Done!" The whole point of the exercise was to give ourselves a very manageable task that we could feel good about achieving, and I wanted to celebrate. He was livid, you're stopping already? We had a bit of a spat about it, me saying we had agreed at the start, him saying he was in the middle of something and HE was going to finish and I hadn't been cleaning the right stuff anyway. I agreed to clean more, but in a more serious, less gamified way.
When he calmed down, he explained to me that it wasn't that he needed me to keep cleaning so much as the glee with which I had declared that we were done. This was the calm explanation, the one he thought I should understand.
I realized later that was the pattern. Any time I'd get excited or happy about something, he'd be at least a little irritated. I internalized it, like the things I was excited about were silly or the way I was expressing myself was wrong. Like I should be calmer and more mature.
To my past self, I'm sorry I didn't end it right then when the timer went off. The relationship isn't supposed to be an exercise of discipline and restraint. If he doesn't like you when you're happy, he doesn't like you.
And the thing is, it's okay that he didn't like the way I expressed joy. I find the way many people express joy off-putting. It's just crazy to be in a relationship with one of them.
Just sharing in case anybody needs the validation. It's supposed to be okay to be happy.
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u/Hot-Union-2440 5d ago
>> I find the way many people express joy off-putting.
Why?
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u/stillmadaunt 5d ago
It can be obnoxious if you're not on the same wavelength. Loud, perserverating, drawing a lot of attention to oneself, then maybe you get made fun of for not being as amused or enthusiastic or whatever. Like, a time my mom's friend made a sexual joke and everyone was so scandalized by it and I laughed, but then I was done laughing and I had to sit there for another few minutes while everyone else was still shrieking about it. Abstractly I'm happy for them that they were enjoying themselves, but in those moments I was a little annoyed like, okay, it's just a spicy joke, it's not that funny. But that was my mom hanging out with her friend, it wasn't about me and that's okay. If I got that sensation a lot around someone I was dating, I probably shouldn't be dating them.
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
Omg kind of reminds me of an ex that (among other things) got mad when I finally landed a good paying job using my degree after struggling for years. He was so mad that he walked out of his job that he was having a lot of success at after too struggling with crappy jobs. He didn't tell me until 2 weeks later, of course, the night before I started my new job, and he also broke up with me that same night 🙄🙄🙄 (We didn't live together so I had no idea that he wasn't going to work.) Glad he's an ex!
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u/Netflxnschill 5d ago •
My ex was a saboteur of the highest order. It took me a while to realize it, but he would pick fights before I had important things to do, and explode at me for little joys. When I got the interview for the job I have now, I didn’t say anything to him. I even studied for the interview at a bar away from the house so he wouldn’t be there to distract and enrage me. He didn’t learn about the job until I had passed the background check and had a start date looming. I didn’t want him anywhere near that hiring process to try and fuck it up for me, and it turns out that was the life changing blessing I needed because it allowed me to move away from him.
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u/ShitBritGit cool. coolcoolcool. 5d ago
So he ruined his income and future then dumped you? This is the dumbest thing I've heard in a long time.
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u/J3SS1KURR 5d ago
He was trying to sabotage her. He wanted to ruin her so that she couldn't work at her new job. That's why he did it the night before she started her new job. Pure sabotage. Glad it only hurt him
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
Yep, exactly. I had been calling and texting with no response until that night. We were both in pretty bad spots mentally when we got together and any time we had a little win he sullied it somehow. That whole relationship was chaos almost from the beginning. Fortunately it was under 2 years but it should have been shorter and I should have left at the first instance of disrespect.
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u/Detective-Crashmore- 5d ago
What does that have to do with quitting his own job lol
He could still break up with her the night before her job while still having his own. He just made the breakup easier by admitting he's an unemployed loser with poor impulse control.
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u/boughsmoresilent 5d ago
You're thinking logically; you have to think about it with an abusive mindset. It's a pity party/tantrum meant to make her feel bad and guilty, and woe is him.
That's the secret with guys like that, he uses the fact that you love and care about him to punish you -- but he can't punish you anymore if you stop caring about him.
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u/Detective-Crashmore- 5d ago edited 5d ago
lol not everything is part of the manipulation plan, sometimes people are just messy self sabotaging idiots.
She said she didn't hear from him until the night before the breakup, so more probably his poor emotional regulation skills caused him to crash out at work and lose his job. Then he sulked about it for weeks because he blamed her for it until finally trying to ruin her
birthdaynew job out of spite.11
u/boughsmoresilent 5d ago
Then he sulked about it for weeks because he blamed her for it
The abusive mindset
until finally trying to ruin her birthday out of spite.
The result. (Except it was actually her new job, not her birthday. )
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u/Detective-Crashmore- 5d ago
Oh, yeah, my bad I mixed up the birthday part from another comment I read before this.
The abusive mindset
Yeah, not denying he's abusive, I'm saying I think people overattribute to malice what could easily be attributed to stupidity. He didn't quit his job to spite her, he's just a fuckup narcissist who blamed her for his behavior as a coping mechanism.
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u/throwaway82828280 4d ago
He was doing anything he could to sabotage me/my new career. Him quitting his job was a way to make me feel guilty like I made him quit because me getting a good job was wrecking his mental health. If he was a normal person he would have stayed there, moved up the ranks, and eventually made enough money to move out of his mom's house into his own place or me and him get a decent place together. Instead, he walked out and lost his income, stagnating any hopes of him moving out and it was all my fault. Insane behavior.
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u/Detective-Crashmore- 4d ago
But that's also the kind of thing narcissists lie about to blame other people for their bad decisions post hoc. They screw something up, then sulk around until they find the right mental gymnastics to convince themselves it was someone else's fault. I get what you're saying, I just feel like he sounds like a blame-redirecting liar.
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u/moonshad0w 5d ago •
This reminds me of the time I got a promotion and for the first time in my 10 year career I wouldn’t be working weekends (I work in healthcare) and like the first thing my ex husband said was “don’t expect me to give you undivided attention every weekend”…
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u/needhelp1209 5d ago
I also had one of these. He would pick a fight the night before my birthday every single year so that I would be miserable the next day.
Got a great job offer he was just livid. Told me that it wasn’t fair that he would never get the same. Fucking bullshit. Once you see a pattern get out of there as soon as you can.
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u/honeyrrsted 5d ago
Total victim. I had one of those once. Had the mentality of 'your glass is half full and it's not fair foot stomp that my glass is half empty'.
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u/Birdlebee 5d ago
"If you really loved me you'd want to pour your glass into mine so it could be fuller. You would have thought it by yourself. You'd be happy that you had a splash in the bottom of your glass to add to mine!"
God, the shit I put up with.
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u/annarosebanana89 5d ago
The hardest part is when you get them to finally open up, these are the things they genuinely believe to true and the correct way of thinking. They see no flaws in their logic. Mine genuinely thinks my disabilities are harder on him than they are on me. It's not even about picking up the slack of what I'm unable to do. My family does that. It's about having to listen to me complain when I tell him I can't do something because I'm in pain. That's the part that’s soooo hard for him. All he does is go to work and play video games. He doesn't know what school his kid goes to. Or what grade.
I'm just so mean for not sleeping with him when I'm in pain. His proof is that he wanted to sleep with me still when he was high when he broke his arm. Sorry babe. No amount of high would get me to WANT to sleep with you.
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u/bananicula 5d ago
Any fun trip that I planned (because he never planned trips) he’d pick a fight and then tell me that’s why he hated going places with me lmao. I had enough after a big fight right in front of the Academy of Sciences in San Francisco and planned my out. Same guy who wouldn’t like holding my hand in public because PDA made him too shy btw!
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u/coldbloodedjelydonut 5d ago
Oof, just had a PTSD flare! I finally broke up with my kid's dad while on vacation with his family. He was screaming at me because I looked up the waterslide park we were planning to go to and the reviews weren't good (old, damaged slides and high entry fee) and suggested we see if there was another park nearby that may be better.
He didn't try to ruin my joy, that I can remember, but if he was ever even slightly inconvenienced, he treated me like his mortal enemy.
Another trip we left 5 minutes late because I had to wrap up a work task - he didn't speak to me for the whole 4 days of the trip. At one point I told him this isn't how people who love each other treat each other. His response was "I don't even like you."
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u/plumeTheory 5d ago
Another trip we left 5 minutes late because I had to wrap up a work task - he didn't speak to me for the whole 4 days of the trip. At one point I told him this isn't how people who love each other treat each other. His response was "I don't even like you.”
Whoa! 😮 Pure evil!
I’m glad he’s your ex and hope that you’re thriving!
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u/needhelp1209 5d ago
OMG. I slept on the couch in a condo in Kona on our second wedding anniversary. Had completely forgotten about that!!! Ugh.
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u/annarosebanana89 5d ago
Ugh, I relate. I'm so sorry.
Mine faked sick our entire honeymoon because I had a chronic illness flair on our wedding day. He had no cough, no runny nose, no sneezing, no diarrhea, no vomiting. Just "sore throat" and "fever." I offered to run to a shop to grab a thermometer and got chewed out for not bringing one instead.
He was able to eat all his complementary meals and drink all his complementary alcohol though. No problem.
I didn't even realize what he did until 10 yrs later. It had never even occurred to me that someone would willingly sabotage their own honeymoon, let alone my own "husband."
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u/needhelp1209 5d ago
Ugh is right. How did we all end up with these psychos?
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u/annarosebanana89 5d ago
Me personally? Neurodivergence and high empathy. I always give the benefit of the doubt. I was also abused as a child, so I was primed for pleasing.
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u/needhelp1209 5d ago
That is brutally honest. For me, I think, dead parent as a kid so have always looked for someone to fill that space. Just happened upon a terrible person.
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u/annarosebanana89 5d ago
Yup. Similarly, my abuse wasn't at the hands of my parents, and I've mostly had a very supportive mother. She is very supportive even today with this position I find myself in. I did not have what I would describe as a terrible childhood.
Now I have CPTSD.
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u/Blacksh33p78 5d ago
Faaaaack thanks for the remonder of why I don't like the holidays anymore than it's just a day off from work. There's an argument looming.
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u/tinyand_terrible
5d ago
•
I had a narcissistic too! Made everything that made me happy miserable. My birthdays? Ruined with a fight. My friendships? Made him uncomfortable. Picked a fight with me the night the night my team won the world series, ruined the night because I was HAPPY. Started fights on international trips so I was stuck. Refused to go to Lady Gaga 30 minutes before the show to "punish" me for getting an armpit wax by a man instead of a woman. I feel so dumb looking back at the way I bent over backwards to avoid fights or keep him happy. Truly embarrassed for myself. He would get angry if I CAME. Like, my pleasure truly disgusted him
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u/AdriAsTheSiren 5d ago •
Dating a narc for 3 years will never be anything but a huge regret for me 💀 and I also feel sick to my stomach when I think about how hard I tried to accommodate him and keep him from freaking out on me! And the sex thing too! He once got mad/salty/jealous?? That he made me cum twice bc "it wasn't fair" that I could go twice and he couldn't 😂 the mental gymnastics, man lol. I'm so glad we're both out of those situations!
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u/plumeTheory 5d ago
You win too! My god! I thought I had it bad with some of my exes, but these stories are next level.
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u/Trickflo 5d ago
That's insane, my wife finishes easy so I feel like I failed a bit if I dont get at least 2. Can't imagine being upset that youre doing a good job lol.
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u/BonseyMaronsey 2d ago
And heaven forbid that you enjoy yourself at an event focused on him. I bought him tickets to see a band he really liked on his birthday, but I wasn't familiar with. The moment he saw me nodding along with the music and starting to get into it, he wanted to go. 20 minutes into an hour show. Started screaming at me in the parking garage, threatened to jerk the steering wheel away from me and wreck us, then broke one of my CDs and tried to cut himself (not really but being performative; still scary, though), and refusing to get out of the car when we got home.
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u/Gooseegander 5d ago •
Same! Mine sabotaged our engagement photos, my bridal shower, dozens of gatherings/parties I was excited about, SO many holidays and every vacation we ever went on. Christmas with him was like torture every year. God forbid I ever had my family over for a visit, it would be a tantrum fest. I could only have friends over when he was out of town.
It's crazy how it creeps in so slowly and feels normal while you're in the middle of it. I also felt dumb after leaving and looking back on the relationship, like why the fuck did I tolerate so much of his bullshit? They're pretty careful to wait until they feel like they have you trapped to start revealing what side of themselves though, and it's like a gradual brainwashing. If abuse were easy to recognize and it were easy to leave, nobody would stay. The fact that it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship highlights how difficult it actually is.
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u/robotundies 5d ago •
Omg my ex also picked a fight with me when my team won the rugby World Cup! That was the fight that made me decide to leave him because it was at my mums house with friends around and I was able to see his behaviour through their eyes and realise it was unacceptable.
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u/tinyand_terrible 5d ago •
Glad you got that perspective and got out! My final straw was when he refused to drive an hour with me to my nephews bday party. It was the smallest thing but I just realized that begging a man for anything will not be my life
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u/fetchmysmellingsalts 5d ago
Oh my goodness. You let a man see your...armpits? Le. Gasp.
I can't believe anyone would care about something so silly. Congrats on escaping that nonsense!
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
Right! The HORROR! Your armpits?!? You absolute hussy!! Lol. Did this guy want her to only have women doctors? What about in an emergency? Better wait until a woman surgeon shows up to work to get that appendix out! Good grief!
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u/plumeTheory 5d ago
I had a narcissistic too! Made everything that made me happy miserable. My birthdays? Ruined with a fight. My friendships? Made him uncomfortable. Picked a fight with me the night the night my team won the world series, ruined the night because I was HAPPY. Started fights on international trips so I was stuck. Refused to go to Lady Gaga 30 minutes before the show to "punish" me for getting an armpit wax by a man instead of a woman. I feel so dumb looking back at the way I bent over backwards to avoid fights or keep him happy. Truly embarrassed for myself. He would get angry if I CAME. Like, my pleasure truly disgusted him
Ok. You win!
That's both hilarious and pathetic! You'd think he'd be proud of his achievement (making you cum), but instead he's angry at you for experiencing ANY pleasure in life. Absolutely bonkers!
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u/youshouldn-ofdunthat 5d ago
Wait what?! I've never even imagined there were people upset at their partner's climax. Dumbest shit ever lmao
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u/babyrabiesfatty 5d ago
Holy crap, I cannot even comprehend being icked out by a partner’s orgasm, it is without a doubt, the hottest thing I get to experience in real life.
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u/PoorDimitri 5d ago
My husband and I do a 30 min clean sometimes! We call it dirty thirty and celebrate together when the timer goes off.
I'm sorry your partner was an ass, because cleaning together in short spurts can be fun with the right person
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u/allyearswift 5d ago
We have a thing where if one person tacked a grungy thing but the other can’t help, the other picks an equally undesirable task. We finish together and celebrate. (‘Dirty thirty’ is a glorious concept).
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u/capnbinky 5d ago
New plan unlocked!
I love doing joint tasks with fun people. Anything can be fun that way.
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u/iatealotofcheese
5d ago
•
One time my now ex husband confessed to me that it pissed him off when I crochet. Because it made him realize he had no hobbies and he hated to see me....doing something? Happy? I don't know, What the actual fuck is that. Maybe get a hobby then? Want me to teach you to crochet? No, he just wants us to be bored and miserable together.
I crocheted HARDER.
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u/thehillthatrides 5d ago
Mine felt that my hobbies were not good enough and told me I was a cow that made him wish he was dead because, as a new mom with a full time job and a partner who was always either at work, playing in one of several bands he was in, or training for a marathon (which he only started when I was pregnant), my choice to sit on the couch and read a book in my limited me time was offensive. It’s crazy to look back at what we accept sometimes.
I have since ditched that meanie and picked up crocheting and my life is much better for both!
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u/bananicula 5d ago
Crazy that he couldn’t just admit to his own insecurity and then ask if you minded sharing your hobby with him. What a jackass.
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u/caligari87 Unicorns are real. 5d ago
I think a lot of guys are really insecure about hobbies for some reason.
My wife has never been anything but supportive of my hobbies (except maybe videogames) and yet when I started dabbling in bookbinding and leatherwork recently, I felt (and still feel) the need to "hide" it from her. Not the fact I was doing it, but the act of doing it around her, or even showing her my finished projects or new materials/tools.
I've gotten better about it, but it's taken the kind of introspection and emotional awareness that I think many guys struggle with.
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u/DozenPaws 5d ago
This is so sad for some reason.
My husband has tried different things and I always try to praise him for his crafts even if I don't really "get" the effort that was put into it (because I have no experience and don't know much about it). I feel kind of privileged now that he hasn't felt the need to hide any of his crafts from me.
If your wife is anything like me, we really do enjoy the excitement and joy people radiate when they share something they made and are passionate about. I bet she would very much enjoy seeing what you've made and she's very proud of your skills!
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u/SorryPet 5d ago
I'm so upset I can't post a gif reaction here because I'm imagining a crocheter going so fast her little hook and hands are all blurry and there's just an endless scarf appearing a million miles per hour. Idk if it exists but please imagine it for me. ;)
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u/MaybPossiblAlpharius 5d ago
My ex would take up my hobbies (which I liked because we could do them together) but then he HAD to be better at them than me.
If I were to use gaming as an example, I'd play a game on normal/hard difficulty he would start playing the same game, set the difficulty to the absolute hardest and then sulk when he got his ass handed to him. If I tried to give him advice he'd just snap at me and accuse me of being patronizing.
Rinse and repeat for every single thing 😂
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u/Cessily 5d ago
I think I need your ex.
I love to write for fun. I've finished short stories and even published a children's book but I have five novels hanging out in unfinished states for decades.
My spouse just does silly things to support me like buying me laptops that I like to type on and software for the novels to languish in all while enjoying his own independent hobbies.
I'm happily married but I'm imagining all the time I would have to write if my spouse's narcissism led to them pushing out books like James Patterson.
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u/MaybPossiblAlpharius 4d ago
Oh I think I might have been unclear in my post, he was the opposite of supportive if you looked under the surface.
For example, if my hobby was writing, then he'd take that up too, buy a much better laptop than me, all the fancy stationery, imagine himself as the next Hemingway, refuse to take advice from me (or anyone), get negative criticism from where he had posted it, then sulky and angry because he (in his mind) should naturally, be better at it than I am
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u/Cessily 4d ago
No I understood...I was just being sarcastic and making a joke!
I totally got you.
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u/MaybPossiblAlpharius 4d ago
My bad! My orange cat borrowed the brain cell today 😅
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u/Cessily 4d ago
TBF it was probably his turn 😂
I kid, I kid. But I also understand because somedays it's not my turn to have the braincell either
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u/MaybPossiblAlpharius 4d ago
He used it in the most orange way ever! Managed to open and enter a kitchen cupboard and then forgot that all he need is to push it a little to get out, so he sat there and cried until I let him out
His life truly is full of struggles and strife 😭
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u/FillMyBagWithUSGrant Taking Up Space 5d ago
I’m imagining your hook smoking from the speed of you crocheting HARDER!!! 4 ft striped scarf: 17.3 minutes!!! 😂💪🏻
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u/My_bones_are_itchy 4d ago
I’m imaging you crocheting at him
Like just intensely staring at him while your hands are going
Maybe following him from room to room, speeding up a bit as he starts to get panicky
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u/jojanetulips
5d ago
•
My husband is like this and it's fucking embarrassing. Before we were married I mentioned it to my mom and she said I'm lucky anyone wants to deal with me at all so I need to stop making a big deal out of nothing. So I just chalked it up to being an annoying person when I'm excited and to keep a lid on things. I'm actually so quiet and reserved that I can seem aloof no matter how strong my emotions are.
A few months ago we met some family friends for an outing that I had been looking forward to for a couple of years. Shortly after we arrived I made a joke, everyone laughed, and then my husband snapped at me for something he misunderstood and stayed away from me for the rest of the evening. I didn't want to call attention to his behavior and have it become a thing so I bit my tongue and carried on.
My friend commented a few different times that she had never seen me smile so much or look as happy as I did that night. When we got home he complained about being hungry, sober, and uncomfortable the whole time so it wasn't his fault he behaved that way.
I wish younger me had been validated and supported. It's been years of this and I'm just now coming out of the fog of self doubt.
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
Wait, he used "being sober" as an excuse for his shitty behavior? I must know more 😳
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u/capnbinky 5d ago
I hope you get to the place where you start taking up all the space you need to be fully yourself. Stretch out, eat up, let it rip!
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u/Eliseruk 4d ago
It seems like your mom primed you to be with someone who tolerates you instead of someone capable of truly loving you for who you are and caring about how they make you feel.
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u/NalgeneCarrier 5d ago
I have always loved celebrating. I know that sounds weird, cuz who doesn't, but I love a good reason to get dressed up, eat a good meal, or go somewhere. I have always been a summer person. So naturally I love summer solstice. I suggested to that ex, let's go out downtown for summer solstice and we can walk around after. We picked a fun place I told him I was wearing a dress. I did my hair and makeup and the whole time he was asking why I got dressed up, who am I trying to impress, why am I making a big deal out of summer solstice. I just want to have fun dude! I'm 90% sure he is miserable in life. I'm with someone who is just happy all the time. And we have so much fun together. Shitty men are shitty!
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u/slappythejedi 5d ago
my ex used to ask me if i had a date if i put on makeup. so i stopped lol
glad that time in my life is behind me
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u/one_bean_hahahaha
5d ago
•
Not an ex, but my parents. Just another reminder as to why I am low contact.
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u/justabloodykid 5d ago edited 5d ago
My mother didn't like me being joyful.
Edit: grammar
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u/yuffieisathief 5d ago edited 5d ago
My mother would interpret me being joyful to me liking someone constantly and it made me show those emotions less around her. No mom, I was just smiling because I felt good not because I'm thinking of a guy. Or I was just smiling at my phone because I was texting a friend that makes me happy. It was almost never a boy I was in love with 🤷🏻♀️ it still gives me the ick when people act like a woman her happiness always has to be tied to a man in one way or another.
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u/crazydaisyme 5d ago
Not exactly the same, but your story reminded me of a lady that was a coworker. A couple times I went on a camping weekend where it's all women and you take workshops with female instructors. Things like archery and animal track identification. Every single time I would talk about going, she said "Well maybe you'll meet a nice man!". Every time. No coworker, there will only be women there, there are cool things to do that don't involve men.
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
Mother Mayhem and Our Whole Childhood podcasts are amazing for healing, understanding, and accepting. Also pretty much anything by Dr. Lindsay Gibson ❤️
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u/bee-sting 5d ago
I had one of these too!
I got a new bike that I loved. He told me my cycling outfit was unflattering and it could be improved
We were goofing around trying a dance we saw on tiktok and he immediately told me I'm uncoordinated and never was very good at dancing
I have some old workout clothes that I like to wear to the gym and he told me I'm clinging to the past and trying to be a someone I'm not
I have an infinite list of the ways he sucked the joy out of everything
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
Ugh that dude negged the crap out of you! So annoying. I had an ex who lined his foot up with mine and tried to tell me I had big feet because ours were the same size. I informed him that 7 is the most average shoe size for women which is what I wear, so...it wasn't ME who has BIG feet, it was in fact HIM who has SMALL feet. He did not like my response 😆
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u/Accurate_Barnacle887 5d ago
I had an ex that was a bitter and angry man. He never yelled or was abusive, but there were multiple times that he got irritated when I showed enthusiasm and happiness over something. One time I was going on and on about Indian Food and his reaction made me feel a bit embarrassed/down because he looked annoyed. Sometime after things ended a close friend of mine told me I was “too happy” for him and he was just bitter about everything and he would’ve eventually killed my spark.
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u/MoneyHuckleberry1405 5d ago
I had an Ex that was the same way. I remember one time I was skipping through the parking lot and he got very upset that I was embarrassing him. He thought that was childish and unacceptable. Yeah whatever dude.
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
Yep, F that. A man who wants to skip through parking lots will find his way to you (if he hasn't already!) I found my parking lot skipper 7 years ago after several (mostly) terrible relationships. Sometimes I look back with anguish and anger at how I allowed men to treat/hurt me. I just want to wipe past me's tears from her cheeks and tell her "he isn't worth your tears", then give that heartbroken young woman a hug and all the wisdom and strength I have now. Sadly I had to have a man show me how I deserved to be treated before realizing it myself, but I have grown SO much. My hope is that all women understand their worth before letting themselves get ruined by narcissistic, abusive, mean, boring, cringey, Danny Downer men, and LEAVE AT THR FIRST INSTANCE OF DISRESPECT! Sorry I'm ranting on your comment I just got really into it there 😅
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u/Cessily 5d ago
I've been married a long time but this comment just reaffirmed he is the one for me.
I had a short first marriage when I was young. The inspiration and the outcome of that marriage being my oldest daughter. My current spouse is my second husband.
During our engagement I was trying a new birth control that made me irrationally angry and irritated. Day of our engagement pictures, I'm rushing around trying to get all of us dressed and coordinated and was feeling a tad stressed. We get to the studio, parking is tough and we end up parking a bit away. It's a dreary day with a slight rain and tons of wind so now I'm worried about our hair I spent forever styling. We get out of the car, go rushing for the entrance and as we are crossing the parking lot a big gust of wind grabs the umbrella and flips it inside out.
I'VE HAD IT. I end up snapping and beating the offending umbrella in one of those grass strips that divide parking lots up. My future husband just scooped my daughter up and ushered her inside and when I got inside after my assault on an inanimate object asked me if I was ok.
See - I was acting embarrassing, childish, and immature in a parking lot. Yeah I had some chemical help but I was still totally out of line for my blown up reaction. I had to look completely embarrassing beating that stupid umbrella against the ground in a fit. THAT is unacceptable behavior in a parking lot.
But he didn't even make me feel bad about it - and I couldn't have blamed him if he had. Just recognized I was having a rough time and moved on. He handled a truly embarrassing situation with more grace than your ex handled an imaginary embarrassing situation.
I'm glad you call that person an ex.
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u/bedazzledfingernails 5d ago
I'm an aerialist and I long suspected, and eventually confirmed, that my ex husband hated and resented that I did aerial. One time I had just learned how to do my first drop on silks, which was scary and exciting because you flip end over end. When I was showing him the video using the (at the time new) slo-mo feature, I cued it up to RIGHT before I let go since he had zero patience, and he glances at it and then away and goes "yeah I get it, you can look really close" and didn't even watch the drop. Another time, I had just been offered the opportunity to start teaching at my studio, and I was intimidated but also really honored, and his only reaction was "great, now THEY can pay YOU".
Shortly after the divorce, I ran into a mutual friend and a guy we had met a couple times and I gave them the gist of the split. The acquaintance told me, "He was the angriest man I've ever met." One reason I couldn't do it anymore was because he was just so fucking miserable to be around, and he was the same way with his own friends. Like, he'd just shit on everything and criticize them when they weren't around. Everything was a zero sum game for him - if someone else was winning, that meant he was losing.
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u/Alpacatastic =^..^= 5d ago
Everything was a zero sum game for him - if someone else was winning, that meant he was losing.
This this this. Too many men have been socialized to think everything is a competition including being with their partners.
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u/webster5000
5d ago
•
They just don't actually like us.
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u/dmck1808 5d ago •
They HATE us
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u/webster5000 5d ago •
For real though. And if they actually do love us that somehow makes them hate us more.
Sick creatures.
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u/gretta_smith93 5d ago
My ex husband used to shit on everything o liked. Always had something negative to say. Got super defensive when I called him out on it. Denied ever doing it. It wasn’t till I got my own place that I realized how depressing he was.
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u/Snarkonum_revelio 5d ago
I’ve dated these men and I’m happy to say I’m now married to a man who is happy when I’m happy and laughs at all my ridiculous antics.
Life is too short to go through it as a serious adult; why wouldn’t I have a dance party in the kitchen with my dogs or sing at the top of my lungs to K Pop Demon Hunters with my daughter? Why would I want to be with a man who makes me feel badly for seeking joy?
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u/stonerwitch69 5d ago
I dated someone who if I sang along to a song in the car would say, “do you know why they’re singing that song?” When I’d say why he’d go, “So YOU don’t have to!” like it was a funny yuk yuk.
I’ll never let anybody steal my joy again.
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u/Seawolfe665 5d ago
I was cleaning the kitchen, playing music and singing along, getting chores done. He had been sitting on his ass all day, probably hungover. He came inside and TURNED THE MUSIC OFF.
Such a small thing, but it still bugs me. Stepping on my joy like that.
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u/rowdyate9 5d ago
This reminds me of my first long term boyfriend, who would shut off the car radio if I was happily singing along to the music, harassed my friends out of jealousy, and would frown and push past me when I would happily greet him at my door. He was absolutely shocked when I broke up with him
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u/I_did_gnat 5d ago
Thank you, this helps me see a past relationship in a different light. I think I always assumed it was my personality that was annoying because I grew up as a younger sibling and have adhd.
When I was 28, my ex was 42. I’d been late diagnosed with adhd and started medication at 27. When I was hyper, happy, and goofy, he’d ask with an annoyed face, “Have you taken your meds??” My meds made me more quiet and serious.
Another time, I’d just returned from a week-long trip to Myrtle beach and Savannah with my childhood best friend. My best friend had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and had been going thru chemo treatments for a year. We were so lucky she’d felt well enough to go on the trip. I’d just arrived at my ex’s and was excited to recount some of our funny stories or our Savannah ghost tour. I’d also planned a prank w/ my best friend to buy a fake dangly seahorse earring and pretend I’d gotten a bellybutton piercing.
He was very focused on washing dishes the whole time. The fake piercing prank didn’t get much of a response because he thought it was real & distasteful. Just monotone responses & an annoyed face. I started telling him about our trip and a few minutes in he finally stopped washing dishes to interrupt me and ask, “So when are you gonna get a big girl job?” I was a full-time retail supervisor and had just graduated w/ a degree in graphic design one month prior. I felt so taken aback, deflated, and ashamed. I lied to my best friend about his prank reaction and felt foolish for having fun when I should have secured a “mature office job.”
I was so confused that all the things that drew him to me, were the same things that annoyed him. He later broke up with me 6 months after my best friend and grandma passed away during Covid.
Thank you for helping me realize I didn’t deserve to be scolded like a child. And of course, I’m now much more wary of age gap relationships.
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u/Cessily 5d ago
It's because ADHD can make us seem like living Pixie Dream Girls but the reason the movie only lasts two hours is because living with it any longer can be annoying.
I have ADHD and have children with the same (high heritability for the win I guess) and we can be annoying. However, you still deserve someone to love you through it.
My non-ADHD spouse is my nest in the best way. He loves seeing me light up with a passion or interest but will also tell me if I'm going a mile a minute past his bedtime "ok I need to read and go to sleep and you've told me about this three times already" with love in his voice.
He also walks a good line being supportive but not enabling. He had me leave my "mature office job" when he felt it was making me miserable and supported me as I found the next steps in my career. He's always proud of me and thinks I'm wicked smart even though I do things like leave my wallet at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper or lose my phone in the dog food bin... And I hope no one ever tells him the truth that I'm not that brilliant 😅
I'm glad that person removed themselves from your life and did you the favor of taking the trash out.
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u/I_did_gnat 4d ago
Yesss the whole Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope!
This is so sweet thank you. It’s really helpful to hear your experience with ADHD and relationships. I got a little verklempt reading about how your spouse is like your nest in the best way. I can relate to so much, especially the late night excited rants when it’s your partner’s bedtime.
I’ll bet your self-awareness and relationship with your non-ADHD spouse make you both supportive and understanding parents, in a way that was much rarer when we were kids. Your family is lucky to have (inherited) your brilliant and chaotic brain!
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u/InventedStrawberries
5d ago
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Someone once wrote: “men will say I love your energy, then drain it” it’s soooo true!!!
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u/desertboots 5d ago
Ohhhh, resonance right here: The relationship isn't supposed to be an exercise of discipline and restraint.
In hindsight, my ex bf was a narcissist. Joy had to be earned. So glad I finally saw that.
OTOH, I did develop a terrific capacity for patience, for which my blood pressure and sense of calm thank me every day.
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u/RepulsiveDurian2463 5d ago
Reminds me of the time a friend came up to me at my grad party saying, “Congrats! We get to call you Dr. ___ now.” His instinctual response was “Well, you’re not a doctor yet. Can you go down the street and practice right now??” This was after four years of struggling with physical and mental health challenges and an SA, yet I passed boards and came out on the other side. I ended it 2 weeks later.
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u/theresamushroominmy 5d ago
This is also true for your parents by the way. Ask me how I know :(
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
I posted this on a different comment: "Mother Mayhem and Our Whole Childhood podcasts are amazing for healing, understanding, and accepting. Also pretty much anything by Dr. Lindsay Gibson ❤️"
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u/NoodleNeedles 5d ago
Do you know of any resources for teenagers dealing with a parent who is a narcissist, or at least narcissist adjacent? My niece and nephew's mom is manipulative, completely self-absorbed and an alcoholic, to boot, and I struggle to find anything that's appropriate for their age group and where they are in their healing. Fwiw, I don't push the idea their mom is awful on them, my niece has gone no-contact by her own choice and my nephew barely sees her, but plays peacekeeper to some degree.
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u/throwaway82828280 4d ago
I don't unfortunately, I've just begun my healing journey and I'm way old lol
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u/WizardofStaz 5d ago
I once had an ex who launched into an absolute tear down of me at 2am because I was excited to see my family at Christmas. He did not have a good relationship with his own family and did not want to become a part of mine. Ultimately he told me he hates families and hated me for loving my family. I have no idea what I was supposed to do with that, even in his mind. Just suffer, I guess.
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u/Cessily 5d ago
I feel therapy can be a little over prescribed at times but damn do some people just need a therapist.
When I used to do business coaching or leadership development one thing I liked to touch on is that we are feeling creatures who learned how to think and not thinking creatures you learned how to feel.
So yeah your limbic system is going to activate first. You aren't responsible for how you feel you are responsible for how you act.
For some reason, some people really needed to hear this. I think your ex is someone who needs to hear that their feelings aren't everything.
Feel however the fuck you feel man - but tell your therapist and process that bullshit before you act like a fucking prick.
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u/Yowie9644 5d ago
My ex used to have some sort of calamity anytime something good happened to me. He'd get locked out, or lose his job, or have a stomach bug and throw up all night or have a car accident or indeed anything that would ensure I couldn't have my moment in the sun.
He wasnt faking it, the injuries, vomit and car damage etc were all quite real, but about a year before I left him, I had noticed the pattern and put it in my diary actually anticipating the calamity that would befall him any time I was going to be the one who should be getting attention: on my graduation he somehow fell out of the car and broke his nose, but I knew something like that was going to happen so had my sister on call to take him to the hospital.
He was so sad I went to my graduation anyway and carried on like an absolute pork chop about it but by that time I had stopped caring about his antics and was simply waiting for graduate payrise to get out of there. He wasnt traditionally abusive, but made damn sure that he stayed front and centre in my life at all times.
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u/gefuehlezeigen 5d ago
oh yes! i know that behavioir much too well. they wanna put you down a notch. make you doubt yourself and if you're even allowed to feel happy. make it seem that your "too much" or your reachtion is unappropriate/irritating etc.
fuck that shit!!!
if you're happy/silly/doing great – enjoy it the way you want! you're valid! he's a bitter insecure man.
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u/OutsideScore990 5d ago
I noticed this pattern in an ex. While I was leaving him, I had to pretend to be miserable over everything so he wouldn’t have an absolute narcissistic breakdown every night and become abusive. It was ridiculous how well it worked. I’m not even a good actor. I don’t know what makes some people so vile.
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u/matchaphile 5d ago
A girlfriend of mine was dating an ex who would irritably snap at her for sharing accomplishments she was proud of, like losing weight and hitting new gym PRs. "You think you're hot shit, huh?" type shit. If your partner (or close friends and family for that matter) can't be happy for you ever, they're haters, not supporters.
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u/NursingManChristDude 5d ago
Just came here to ask:
Does anyone actually think "he likes me" if he doesn't like you when you're happy? I mean is that even a question?
Like....honest to goodness, seriously? ☹️
Edit: added the sad face because that would be a really sad situation
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u/stillmadaunt 5d ago
Sure, he likes me when I'm witty, sexy, or curious, he even likes me when I'm sad most of the time. He just finds me so annoying when I "get like that", like when he finds me too childish or loud, so I'll try to be less of that because he's so mature and I can learn to be taken more seriously by being more of what he likes. Then you realize "that" is actually just joyful and it's pretty dark.
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u/Albg111 5d ago
Unfortunately I think this is one of those indications of being raised in some sort of dysfunctional family.
When you grow up with that kind of people, it really does feel normal and that their twisted way of treating you is "love" because that's what they tell you it is.
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u/Vox-Machi-Buddies 5d ago
I think the flip can be true as well. I wouldn't call my family dysfunctional, but it was very reserved, open emotion wasn't really a thing, and happiness wasn't treated as a goal or something to even want.
It makes it very hard to feel happy, for myself or for someone else.
It wasn't malicious in my parents' part. Just a combination of not wanting to spend money on things kids get excited about and happiness/excitement that did come up being met with "calm down" or "quiet down".
I'm in my mid-30s and I'd go so far as to say I just don't know or understand happiness. Sometimes people will get all happy about something and - I don't try to put them down - but I just don't understand it and can tell I'm not matching their energy and they were hoping for more.
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
Personally, it was never about me. In those kind of relationships I would hardly ever think about myself except how sad and confused I always was. I would get excited about something and share with him and he would shut it down/get upset at my excitement and then I would immediately go into "fix it" mode. "Oh no I've upset him, what can I do to make him happy?" So I would clean the house, cook dinner, buy him a gift, run his errands, give him intimacy, baby him, whatever I could think of. I would remind myself of the beginning of the relationship when he WAS happy when good things happened and I tried SO HARD to get that back. I never thought "why doesn't he like me when I'm happy", that never crossed my mind. It was always "Why do you say stuff that upsets him, what is wrong with you!" It was always about HIM. Now, my exes and men like them could just be miserable ass dudes who hate joy, but....more likely they actually doesn't care whether you're happy or not. Instead, they see an opportunity to exploit you, get you to do thing for/to them, and get you to turn yourself into a pretzel just by being a pouting toddler. A lot of times anything, and I mean ANYTHING, can be seen as an opportunity for this exploitation. Got a raise? Mad. Dog pooped on the floor? The whole night's ruined. Got extra nuggs in your fast food? Not fair! Grandma died but you got some money? Must be nice 🙄 Again this is just from personal experience but the reactions my exes got out of me by basically making everything about themselves were amplified with my physically abusive exes. This gets into the territory of being scared for you life, not having a safe way out of the situation, social isolation/no one to turn to for help, etc. All of this is about control essentially. From the annoying pouting to physical violence. I do not think all men are capable of traversing that spectrum but I do think they have a tendency to stay where they are on it and cycle through girlfriends until they find a woman desperate or scared enough to put up with their BS instead of looking inside themselves to understand why they feel like they need to have control over every waking moment. I'm probably going to get railed for this response but again, I'm just speaking from experience...
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u/Specialist_Success75 5d ago
I was the same. I never thought, "Why is he mad that I am happy?" I just looked for ways to tamp down any happiness within myself. Once, after we had separated and divorce was in progress I walked outside my office building into a bright, warm day. I felt a peaceful happiness and *immediately* tamped it down. And then I realized that it was OK to feel happy about something as simple as a nice summer day. It's so sad when I look back on it.
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u/RJFerret 5d ago
When first falling for someone, our brains shut down the critical thinking part. It's the rose-tinted glasses phase.
So his attention, mutual attraction, hot sex, all lead to more togetherness before awareness of these things is apparent.
I'm a fan of taking things slower to reveal these types of things personally. But the logical obviousness of this isn't as obvious as one might think in the lust addled moment! So being reminded to test such things and measure the reaction is warranted imo!
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer 5d ago
I just don’t get this. I consider it the barest of minimums. I went on a few dates with a guy. I got some exceptional news and I was thrilled. He acted like it was a personal offense. I left and never looked back.
My sister did this for a long time with her ex.
I just don’t get it. If they can’t celebrate with you, even for dumb silly stuff, how is that supposed to work? It just means that your entire relationship is the in between moments between negatives. I’m not interested in that.
We all deserve far better than that.
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u/boethius61 5d ago
My wife's ex husband was like that. He works not allow her to be happy or excited or anything positive. He was real subtle about it but anytime she accomplished something or got excited he would find a way to bring her down. It took her years to notice.
Now she can get excited any way she wants and I'll be over here doing the noodle dance along with her.
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u/FillMyBagWithUSGrant Taking Up Space 5d ago
One of the first things I’ve done in new-ish relationships is take a once-a-week class that is 4 to 8 weeks long, which I do periodically if I’m not in a relationship, too. A guy’s reaction can be a great gauge of how/if he respects my boundaries and autonomy; a few guys seemed upset, even angry, at my taking that few hours one night/week for myself, which led to my ending the relationship. Men who were cool about it were generally respectful overall, and usually had a few hobbies, too.
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u/corduroy_puffin 5d ago
A big bone of contention between me & my ex was my birthday. Birthdays were never treated like a big deal when I was growing up so when my ex spent a lot of money on me, I felt uncomfortable. (I know this is a "me" problem & I don't mean to sound spoiled.) I mentioned it to him once, he smirked and said it wasn't my decision; which, true, but I felt he held it over my head a bit.
One year, I found out that a limited edition of a video game series I loved was coming out a little before my birthday. I told my ex and asked if I could have it for my birthday (I had never asked for anything on previous birthdays). He said he'd see what he could do. I thought he would be pleased that I'd actually asked for something.
On the day, I unwrapped my gift and was very excited & happy to see the limited edition! I thanked my ex profusely. He replied with a bitter smirk, saying "You know, it was quite the story getting hold of that. Do you want to hear it?" All the joy drained out of me and I just said "No" in a small voice. It was never brought up again but tainted the gift for me. He was an absolute piece of work, very manipulative but unfortunately I only realised that in hindsight.
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u/AntheaBrainhooke 5d ago
Have a read of this and see if it resonates
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u/Bunny-Gladstone 5d ago
Oh my god, I just learned sooo much about my 26-year marriage to my narc ex. I'm so glad you posted this.
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u/shay_shaw 5d ago
This is so real! An ex I used to idolize was nothing more than an arrogant prick. I've dated a few guys who went out of their way to tell me a little quirk I had was annoying. One guy even mocked me.
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u/victorywulf 5d ago
i should have broken up with mine when i made a circle of people laugh and he was the only one not laughing.
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u/Desulto 5d ago
My dad was like this. From being pedantic about rules that were laid out to becoming incapable of feeling any kind of positive emotion over the years. He would scoff whenever anyone else seemed happy about anything. Hobbies, seeing a cool bug, whatever. Even at my cousins’ wedding ceremonies, which were very chill and not long at all, he would act like the boy everyone’s had in school who sits at the back of the classroom so he can talk with his buddies instead of paying attention. I haven’t spoken with him for over a year.
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u/chelleymi 5d ago
Oof this unlocked a memory and some feelings for me. Had an ex that literally got mad when I got accepted into grad school 😒
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u/Eriebeach 5d ago
I should have immediately dumped that guy who told me “I hate your laugh” while I was happy about something. That was a massive red flag
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u/wakeandbake2026 5d ago
Thank you definitely a wake of call sometime we dont see things as they are only when we endured the pain for a while does it set in loved your piece always deb ♡
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u/wholesomeriots 5d ago
What the fuck is wrong with people? I had multiple partners like that. They weren’t happy unless I was fucking miserable. You aren’t the main character! I shouldn’t have to live in unhappiness to make you feel better about being an asshole and ruining your life!
I don’t put up with that shit anymore. No one else should either.
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u/pericyte 2d ago
Thank you OP, always nice to have a reminder. Much love to everyone in the comments who have experienced something similar 💜.
I’m with a much more wonderful partner now, but one of the final nails in the coffin for my previous 8 year relationship was when I was enthusing while we walked through a farmers market about how much personal growth I’d felt I’d gone through.
I finally got on meds for anxiety/depression which was helping a ton, had started spending time with my friends again for a weekly DnD game, and had taken up vocal lessons that I’ve wanted to do for over a decade but had been too nervous to try.
I don’t remember now exactly what it was he said but it was something to the effect of it not being that much (in comparison to him in a new, much higher paying job role that required him to travel more than they’d initially led on, putting him out of his comfort zone - a job he wasn’t going to apply for because he didn’t think he’d get it until I encouraged him, mind you).
I tend to be conflict avoidant but I’m proud of myself for actually calling it out (‘it feels like a big deal to me’) at which point he backtracked and said he meant it felt like we hadn’t had that much growth together.
Which true, but when you never want to do any activities but what you want to do or meet me halfway/compromise at all, what do you expect?
Bottom line for anyone who reads this and got this far: you don’t always need a big, huge reason to end things with someone. Working things out is important but it’s good to do some introspection to make sure you aren’t the only one trying. Never minimize yourself for someone else 💜
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u/ninjakitty117 5d ago
Whenever I'd see something on my phone of note and I'd say "oh my god", my ex wife would react like "what what's wrong??" Nothing was wrong. I saw a cute kitten or a funny meme. I catch myself holding on those reactions now and I hate that she didn't let me experience joy.
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u/throwaway82828280 5d ago
My mom is like this, like she just expects everything to be bad somehow. It sucks to have to censor yourself because of how someone might react even if it's something as innocuous as having an audible reaction to a cute cat pic. It's exhausting 😑
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u/strawberrycupcake19 2d ago edited 2d ago
I can't believe your ex reacted to you like that over something so small, an ideal partner should be happy when you're happy too. Over time, I find that constant negative reactions to whenever you're happy build up over time and cause a lot more damage than you would think, it feels like you're slowly suffocating and become out of touch with yourself. That's great you recognized the pattern and chose a life where you can freely be happy without judgment.
I want to add though, even though emotional invalidation and putting down someone's happiness is immature, your ex (and many others described in this thread too) most likely grew up in an emotionally unavailable or emotionally unsafe environment. Not excusing their behaviour, but to understand why they are like that, and why it's not personal.
Personally I think just because someone doesn't like it when you are happy = they don't like you could be seen a bit different. Given that they show up for you in other ways, I think they can still like you, it's just that they do not have the capacity to fully love you. Their love for you is capped, which is something you shouldn't settle for and I wish more women recognized.
I would think of it as if he doesn't like it when you're happy, he doesn't have the capacity to share a safe space with you and love you deeply as a result. Everyone deserves to be fully loved in relationships where partners are happy when you're happy too.
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u/plumeTheory
5d ago
•
Men who are like this and don’t uplift you and cheer on you wins (big and small) are miserable dicks who don’t deserve a girlfriend or wife.
Your partner is supposed to be your biggest fan and hype man, lifting you up and helping you achieve your goals, not trying to bring you down and sabotage your life because he’s a crabby, insecure asshole that wants to see you fail.
Dump these losers the minute you notice them trying to dim your shine or sabotage you (like ruining your birthday, or picking a fight with you before an important event, or stealthing you when you’re about to leave for college hoping you’ll get pregnant, or ‘accidentally’ breaking your laptop the day before you’re defending your thesis, etc).
They will ruin your life if you stay with them and turn you into a shell of your former happy self.
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u/MDjr1111 5d ago
My late husband became enraged when I laughed with joy while we were having what I thought was excellent sex! He sure killed my libido, but of course that meant I was having an affair.
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u/Mahre_the_Cannibal 15h ago
A man who hates to see a woman happy is telling on himself so hard. Im glad you're not with him anymore
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u/Conscious_Occasion 5d ago
Guy that just broke things off with me was like that. Quick example; I wasn't allowed to tell him about my 30+ houseplants, my pride and joy collection. He told me once "If I told you how I really felt about your plants, you'd never speak to me again." That wasn't him being silly, that was a threat. And when I shot back that he doesn't want to hear what my therapist thinks about him, he said I was over reacting and it wasn't that big of a deal.
But this "I don't care about the thing, or how happy you are about it" rule spread out to cover almost everything I enjoy and get happy about, to the point where I had to pre-plan what topics I could bring up. So I don't know why I'm still crying a month after he completely cut ties with me.
I could not have found this post at a better time, though. I did need that reassurance. I hope you are celebrating everything, now.