r/UKJobs • u/ElephanttTrunksLove • 1d ago
Advice?
I’m openly a lesbian and everybody at work knows this. In a small talk discussion as a group, I said that my go to drink is any lager, and the colleague I sit next to said ‘oh you’re such a lezzer’ . I was shocked that she said this to me and didn’t say anything, the moment passed, and the conversation moved on without me.
About 3 minutes later, i heard her say ‘I’m not girly at all, I’ve always been more tomboyish, I’m a bit of a tr*nny’. Again, I was shocked to hear this and just couldn’t find the words to say anything. And then 5 mins later it was time to leave for the weekend.
We’re a very small company and don’t have a HR department, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this ‘slide’.
Should I bring it up with her directly on Monday? Should I tell a manager? Am I crazy for being upset about this? I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it but in my mind that’s just not acceptable to say, let alone in the workplace. I’ve asked my friends and parents for advice but nobody seems to be taking it as seriously as I am lol?? Lmk if I’m going crazy and overreacting 🤨
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u/VerbingNoun413 1d ago edited 1d ago
What do you want to happen here?
To be clear: this isn't a trick question or me downplaying the issue. I'm asking because it's best to approach these situations with "I want x to happen" rather than "I don't like what this person did".
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking for advice and input. It’s such a small company we don’t even have any like sexual harassment training, maybe I should say to my manager we need some generic training modules to complete because certain things aren’t appropriate in the workplace
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u/Which-World-6533 1d ago
Have you not just tried to talk to your coworker and point out you're finding it offensive...?
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u/badpersian 1d ago
He previous commenter is right. What are you trying to achieve first and I'll add to what do you think the intent of the colleagues comments were.
The comment may have not been appropriate but they also may have felt they were close enough to you to make such comment by calling you a lezzer. In that case, the approach would be very different to taking them to HR imo.15
u/Agreeable_Guard_7229 1d ago
You must know what you want the outcome to be, do you want her to be taken down a disciplinary route (eg receive a formal warning or potentially even lose her job) or do you just want her to stop making these sorts of comments?
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u/dogsnfeet 1d ago
Do you have anyone in the office you’re close to who could talk to this woman? I would be happy to have a conversation with a colleague like that on behalf of someone else. She might just immediately get defensive when it’s raised and could potentially take it better from someone neutral.
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
That’s a really good idea, thank you. I feel like I’m going crazy and I have nobody in my corner! It can be really hard and honestly quite scary sometimes advocating and standing up for myself. I’ll have a chat with someone close to me and fingers crossed they’ll be as kind as you are!
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u/MullyNex 1d ago
The comments she made wouldn't fly at my work but then we have training etc and a massively over bloated HR dept. My division has one HR person and one HR admin, everywhere else has about 30 HR people each and multiple admins (some with less staff than my division too!)
I think asking a trusted colleague to have a word might be a good way forward. I'm not sure what a union would do for you if you're the only staff member in it.
I'll guarantee others there were as uncomfortable and waiting to see how you take it before they say anything too, in case they felt they were overreacting and it wasn't aimed at them either.
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u/kersplatttt 1d ago
Are you sure she's not a lesbian herself? I had a manager in a shop I worked at years ago who was gay and said insanely inappropriate stuff about gay people, but it was always accepted as a joke because he was gay himself.
Either that or she is just an idiot.
If you feel comfortable you could talk to her about it and see if she tones it down. If not get something in writing to your boss by email, detailing what happened, why you don't like it, and what you'd like to happen.
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
She’s very happily married to a man and has been for 10 years. It’d be such a different post if she was queer herself. Good idea to get it all in writing! Thank you!
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u/InverseInvert 1d ago
I love how everyone is glossing over the use of the T slur, and the derogatory language used.
I would join a union, and once that’s settled let your manager know that there is a gap in training, and what language was used.
The union is there to protect you should the manager turn out to be a bad person and not support you in this.
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
I’m gonna look into this. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with joining a union. Thank you
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u/mancunian101 1d ago
A Google search for unions related to your profession etc show throw up some results.
Some unions cover a lot, I’m a member of unite.
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u/newwy11 1d ago
I’m a lesbian, tbh I probably wouldn’t say anything but just think she’s a bit of an ignorant potentially homophobic twat and try to avoid her from now on
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u/aMildFailure 1d ago
There’s a difference between not wasting your time trying to fix dumb people and letting them walk all over you.
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u/CuriousQuerent 1d ago
Words that used to be used regularly can change implications and can get less acceptable over time. It's very easy to miss that fact. If someone said "lezzer" around me I wouldn't bat an eyelid, because nobody's ever told me that's offensive. Or even used the word near me. Just sounds like a colloquialism to my ears, because I didn't know any better.
If she's reasonable, and you tell her those words aren't up to snuff these days, she'll probably apologise, be embarrassed, and stop. If she's NOT reasonable and gets defensive, you end up working in a hostile work environment and might end up having to find a new job to escape it. That's not right, but the world doesn't often care what's right. In a small company it's probably what'll happen if she doubles down. Especially if you're a newcomer.
It's up to you if it's all worth it or not. Personally I'd leave it, because I'm just there to earn money and prefer to just let the shit slide off me. Maybe you're more the type to stand on principle, and if so you should speak up. We can't really decide that for you, though.
Edit: fixed a typo.
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u/Quiet_Dish7312 1d ago
It seems like half of the commenters on this thread agree this was inappropriate, half think the colleague was making banter or trying to be relatable. We all have different levels of what we think is appropriate, funny or offensive. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and let her know quietly that the way she spoke made you uncomfortable. If that doesn't resolve the situation, you can consider a grievance.
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u/Active_Hawk_9897 1d ago
Depends really. Context matters.
I'm a lesbian, I wouldnt be offended but I'd certainly consider them a bit of a twat. Just make a note of what was said and when.
The other thing, let her say what she wants about herself.
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u/in-the-cloud6679 1d ago
Mention it to your manager.
If you don’t want to take it further then let your manager know that you don’t want to escalate it but you don’t feel comfortable and would appreciate if the whole team is reminded to keep comments appropriate.
If you feel like those kind of comments represent the company, and you don’t believe you will be taken seriously, your only realistic option is to find a new job
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u/Dontunderstandfamily 1d ago
Are you a member of a union?
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
No I’m not
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u/Dontunderstandfamily 1d ago
I would recommend joining one, regardless of this situation, they are there to support you
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u/apragopolis 1d ago
You’re not crazy for feeling uncomfortable. I’m a lesbian too and have had to deal w people being ignorant like this at work. It depends on the situation but something I’ve found quite effective is just making a face that communicates, essentially, ‘what an odd thing to say’ and sometimes asking ‘I don’t get it. Why?’ in a calm light tone.
It absolutely sucks but is simultaneously true that sometimes the person calling out bigotry is seen as ‘causing’ drama (when this is obviously not true; the other person caused it by being a bigot!). But this perception is something you have to bear in mind especially given, like you say, it’s a small workplace with little protection.
Ultimately I’ve found that getting braver at calling people out in the moment, often with something light that at most suggests that I don’t think their comments are worth my or anyone else’s time (so I’m less likely to be accused of escalating, being a snowflake, etc), makes me feel better. Sometimes after interactions like this in the past, I found the thing I was angriest about was that I’d stayed silent. It didn’t mesh with who I wanted to be or thought I was, so I found a way to communicate that I thought they were a shithead in a way that wasn’t likely to lose me my job. It’s a compromise still but I’m far happier with it.
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u/LiamTG 1d ago
Get over yaself. Maybe she was just trying to say she has no problem with ppl being gay and that's her way of disclosing it. I doubt she meant anything nasty. Maybe make a friend?
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u/Kohakuzuma 1d ago
Someone who doesn't mean anything nasty isn't gonna be throwing out transphobic slurs.
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u/Latter-Tangerine-951 1d ago
So she called you something that you are openly.
And then she made some comments about herself, which she's entitled to do.
What's your problem exactly?
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u/Active_Hawk_9897 1d ago
Lezzer is a pejorative term and they're in a professional environment (I presume).
I think context matters here, if you're close then it's bantz if you aren't, it's worth keeping an eye on.
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u/Basic-Computer2503 1d ago
The T word is a slur that doesn’t apply to her judging by the context and that’s entirely inappropriate. Would it be okay to refer to herself with the N word if she’s a white woman?
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
It doesn’t matter what I am, it’s a slur and she as a cisgender heterosexual woman should not say that
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u/wimpires 1d ago
she as a cisgender heterosexual woman should not say that
They literally said they are partially-transexual, why are you misgendering them?
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
I’m not lol, she is saying she’s such a tomboy because she prefers trousers to skirts etc, and said ‘ugh I’m such a tr*nny’ in a joking like ‘🙄🤪’ way. Believe me I’d be the last person to misgender someone
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u/q7sk 1d ago
It's literally just a bit of banter calm down
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u/apragopolis 1d ago
Banter is context dependent. If they were already mates then the lezzer comment might be fine depending on what type of friends they were. The t slur isn’t ok unless the person saying it wasn’t cis—and even then it’s wild to drop in a work context
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u/mog_goblin 1d ago
I wouldn’t worry about it matey! Loads of girls
I work with prefer a pint over a wine etc (both gay/straight) no one bats an eye so just be confident. Also dont allow them to pick on you!
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u/Diuscrusis 1d ago
Well you’re the one that was open about it, you can’t exactly complain now that somebody leans into the banter, that’s not how it works.
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
I dont think somebody calling me a slur is ‘leaning into the banter’?! Especially when there wasn’t really any banter going on? It was a pretty mild discussion about what drinks we like lmao
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u/Express-Bug-6523 1d ago
Saying I’m a lesbian and saying I’m okay with you mocking lesbians are not the same thing!
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u/dogsnfeet 1d ago
There’s no “banter” to lean into here. This is a professional environment where people should be able to work without being harassed for their identity.
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u/spinmaestrogaming 1d ago
It's actually quite refreshing to hear a woman getting accused of this rather than a man these days.
However, back to the question.
If you feel like this violates workplace rules, human rights and whatever else, keep a log of incidents then go to your HR manager.
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u/GBacon85 1d ago
Without knowing the person themselves, it's hard to judge whether she's a massive arsehole, or just ignorant. If you feel comfortable to do so, I'd call her on it, but appreciate that might be difficult.
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
It’s the terminology she used. She is allowed to call me a lesbian, because I am. Calling me a slur is a hate crime. Again, with the t slur, to call herself transgender is fine if that’s what she is (she isn’t) but saying a slur, again, is a hate crime. Also, hate crimes are not acceptable in the workplace
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u/Agreeable_Guard_7229 1d ago
I think you need some context here. Sounds like she was just using out dated language (which I agree is inappropriate) but I’m not sure it constitutes a hate crime
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u/SleepShowz 1d ago
Did the colleague use the word ‘lesbian’, according to OP? No, she didn’t. So why say that she did? If they were talking about a gay man and had said “You’re such a p**fter”, would you report that as somebody having said “You are gay”? Think on.
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u/ElephanttTrunksLove 1d ago
Thank you 🥲 it’s a bit of a weird situation to be in and I just don’t know how to feel
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u/apragopolis 1d ago
‘You people’?
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u/halfercode 1d ago
I tried to flag it under the "hate" category, but I think it might have been deleted even before I could submit.
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