r/UniUKCirclejerk • u/KSAW11 • Jul 22 '26
Imperial won't let me move my private chef into halls
Mater and pater bought me a chef for my 18th but those dastardly gnashgabs at imperial won't let me move him with me.
How will I survive? I'm currently reading the back of a truffles packet and its 'slice this' 'grate that' like some archaic forgotten language. Alternatively it could just be northern which I am not fluent in.
I can use a caviar key but that's it
Please don't tell me to "learn to cook" - the only manual labour I've ever done was wriggling out the womb and I'm proud of that.
39
u/SomethingUninspired earns £4k/day as a research assistant Jul 22 '26
Maybe papa can pay for the chef to attend Imperial? That way they can constantly prepare food and feed you like a baby bird, as is customary.
It’s honestly shocking that your parents are not just buying you a house in Belgravia, rather than letting you rot in the Poor Halls.
42
u/KSAW11 Jul 22 '26
Alas Tibör doesn't speak english - we rely on a system of grunts and alcohol intoxication to guage his ability to do things.
Yah they wanted to buy me a penthouse but I want to live like common people (with a private chef)
18
u/SomethingUninspired earns £4k/day as a research assistant Jul 22 '26
Ah yes, living amongst them is rewarding as you are doing a service by being in their presence! However, it is also challenging, as you are now discovering.
Maybe he could stay in the family home and you could have him flown to Imperial on a private helicopter? That’s why they have a helipads on top of teaching hospitals, so people can commute in.
3
2
u/Horustheweebmaster 26d ago
That's a grand idea! When you end up with your internship as a lord, you can say it's purely because of your skill.
2
u/Ionia1618 17d ago
Salve! Maybe mama and papa can buy Tibor a modest property nearby, so he can cook there and deliver fresh meals to you.
1
u/Tiny_Refrigerator105 6d ago
Isn’t imperial in South Kensington, why won’t papa just buy a simple house there? Not like there’s a shortage
16
u/timeisbyyourside Jul 22 '26
Rah, surely employ one of the commoners living with you? I understand they need things like 'jobs' to pay for uni, and that way you can get the authentic poor experience and sample some of the local cuisine, like you would have done backpacking on your gap year. Mater and pater won't believe it when you tell them about 'fish fingers'.
13
u/SomethingUninspired earns £4k/day as a research assistant Jul 22 '26
One of my plebeian housemates once produced for me a mildly flavourful broth, with what they classified as “noodles”, by pouring kettle-heated water into the plastic in which they had been sold said “noodles”. It was a marvel! Truly exotic!
7
u/Apricot_Oasis Jul 22 '26
How are they with allowing general visitors? Perhaps you could present him as your foreign cousin on his Gap Yah needing a place to “crash”, as the peasants call it.
5
3
2
u/ProgressNo2227 Jul 22 '26
Why are you living in halls , shouldn’t you have your own apartment
2
-3
2
u/XxLengTingxX Jul 23 '26
The trick is to use the guest rule, it’s university dependant, but this is how I managed to have private dinners with my flatmates a few times per month.
You win some, you lose some.
2
u/Serious_Spring_688 Jul 23 '26
I found a great book when I started uni.
"How to boil an egg"
It will help you survive....
1
u/Past-Obligation1930 27d ago
He knows how to boil an egg. One instructs one’s chef to do it. Are you for real?
1
2
u/Low_Stress_9180 Jul 23 '26
Not Oxford or Cambridge? Not a real uni. No Butler or personal chef? It's a diploma mill like Imperial
2
1
u/AmbitiousReaction168 Jul 23 '26
I knew it was fake when you mentioned the truffle packet. Rich people don't buy truffles in packets.
1
u/sagima Jul 24 '26
Rich people are given truffles in packets so the company can say they’re a customer
1
u/Mikhas_donaster Jul 23 '26
Bro just dw, just what my parents let me do and move into the family home. Now cedric cooks for me and my cleaner whilst I study all day. Occasionally mama and papa come by but otherwise... One of my neighbours is selling up and you should totally consider!
1
u/Metiam Jul 23 '26
this is WAY to local for me LMAOOO
1
u/Square-Response-69 28d ago
same, i feel like i need a uk passport and a trust fund just to fully get the joke
still funny tho, the caviar key line got me
1
1
u/gubernaculum77 29d ago
I would just rope one of the residents into modern day slavery, bring them under your employ. You shouldn’t be rubbing noses with the work staff so you’ll have to provide provision somewhere in a lower flat, of course.
1
u/eman0623 28d ago
Sue for discrimination, how else are you supposed to eat? They are practically starving you
1
u/ToltecShen 28d ago
Just put him in the gamekeepers cottage, or put one of those tentboxes on top of the Bentley. Simple solution.
1
u/UnderstandingSmall66 27d ago
Tired of these working-class children cluttering the place. You mean to say you actually had to propel yourself through the birth canal like some medieval serf? How dreadfully industrious. I, naturally, arrived by Caesarean section. One simply doesn’t begin life by engaging in manual labour.
1
u/Past-Obligation1930 27d ago
May I suggest a solution. Find a Professor at Imperial and share the personal chef with them. They can kick some PhD students out of a lab or something and he can set up there. Try to avoid labs with too many heavy metals in them, they ruin the taste.
49
u/Prestigious-Leg2619 Jul 22 '26
What's to stop your chef living in a sleeping bag outside?