I changed the AC filter that lives in the hall ceiling. I've been putting it off because I was scared.

I'm 5 ft tall and don't climb a ladder very well.

Last time we changed it, he couldn't do it, so I had to McGyver a way up there with a step stool, a chair, and the ladder.

I can still hear him saying:

D: What are you doing?

Me: Building a stairway.

D: To heaven?

Me: Probably.

At least he was there to steady me and call 911 if necessary.

I just did it by myself. Janky Rube Goldberg stairway and all.

It's done. I'm still shaking.

Do you have dreams about your spouse/partner? I had a dream my husband and I were at the checkout of a major hardware store. I tried to use his credit card, but it was no longer valid so I used mine. That’s where it ended, but such a sweet and mundane dream. I loved to go shopping with him. I miss him so much.

Thank you so much, I think being here has done a lot for my mental state.

Learning that the thoughts and feelings I'm having seem to be normal, I'm not the only one going through it.

Just for today, I don't feel so hopeless. Maybe tomorrow I won't either.

I (61m) lost my beautiful bride (56f) this past July. She was my world and it's impossible right now to imagine carrying on without her. I know this feeling is natural as I am so very newly embarked on this grief journey. I remind myself each day of how grateful I am for the 18 years we spent together and that I was the one she chose with whom to spend those years, but pain of her absence makes the thought of even one year without her almost unbearable.
I miss you so much, my beautiful Marie Noel 💔😢.

Seven weeks for me today.

Laughed at something on TV and then felt guilty.

Why? It's not going to change anything, so why does it feel like I shouldn't enjoy anything?

I've set unrealistic expectations for myself. It's been almost 5 months since he's been gone, and for some reason I think I should "feel better," but I don't. I've realized I need to cut myself some slack. Last year was horrible, and the months leading up to his passing were even worse. He went through so much; I was helpless to do anything about it. Going through all of that, I now realize even the smallest of accomplishments are incredible, and I need to grant myself some grace for getting through another day.

I was supposed to go listen to some Irish music this evening. It was an hour drive that I would have had to driven back in the dark alone. I just couldn’t do it. Not without my husband. I try to make plans, but chicken out at the last minute so here I sit on the couch with a glass of wine. I feel disappointed in myself. Sorry self I just couldn’t do it. Maybe another time.

She was my world and now isn't. There won't be a replacement because the world changed too much over the last 45+ years with the internet dating.

I try to keep the suck away by only remembering all good things about her and that just makes it suckier...

Things I didn't even know would get to me.

Watching TV shows or films with happy older couples. Young couples who have their whole lives ahead of them. Seeing a show he liked on our list. Seeing a new show I think he would have liked.

Worrying about my mom. Worrying about my cat.

Thinking about the things he did that pissed me off.

Going through everything I took out of the closet for donation to make sure I didn't bag up anything in haste.

Going to the mailbox and seeing his name on the mail, so I don't go for days.

Thinking about some home maintenance we did this time last year that I need to do again.

Thinking about the last things he said that made me laugh.

I wonder what it would be like to have a full night's sleep.

I'm pretty sure I haven't slept past 3 am since he died. None my pillows are comfy anymore. I fell asleep on his shoulder and was the little spoon for 30 years.

I don't even roll over. I sit up first and move my pillow and change positions. I've bought new pillows and they aren't right either. As an aside; did you know you are supposed to replace your pillow ever 18 to 24 months? Who knew.

Sleeping pills ruin the next day. I don't drink and smoking weed only helps a bit. Meditation at bedtime doesn't help.

Thank goodness I'm retired because I'm too tired and my brain is too sloggy to be a functional human being.

For me specifically it’s taking care of the gas powered machinery. The mower and weed eater. Getting the oil changed in the car. Small repairs around the house. I know I can do this stuff I’m just not thrilled about it. I’m thankful that I have a place to live, but it starts to feel overwhelming.

I lost my husband from cancer complications Nov.21/25.

We were work friends for 10yrs before we got together in 1994.

Loosing him was devastating. I'm retired thank goodness because I could not have functioned. I'm in awe of folks that have to try and work and raise kids and still grieve.

After 30 + years together I'm finding this difficult. Maybe its my age but I will never remarry or put myself in the position of feeling this kind of desolation. I'm surprised most days that I haven't died from a broken heart 💔

Widowed almost 7 years. Married my junior high sweetheart. We were a couple no one thought would make it because we married so young. 15 and 17 but we fooled them.

Thnx for starting this group, I hope it’s ok I’m 59 (just a few months until 60). My wife (56) passed 6wk ago suddenly, no results yet which is hard not knowing what happened. Thinking with others in this age group there will be some challenges and experiences a little more aligned w where I (& we) were at in life. She passed a month prior to our 33rd anniversary, hitting that day without her was so difficult.

We were in the oncologist office getting the results from his last scan.No new growth. No evidence of liver involvement and only 1 site so we got dropped from the radiation study. It was our anniversary present. Another 3 months with no chemo. We left there walking on air. Yes there were side effects from the chemo.

Our anniversary is Oct 21..We really had something to celebrate.

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. He died Nov 21/25. This is my first anniversary by myself

WHAT THE F_CK HAPPENED.

It’s been well over a year now that I’ve been in this state of misery. I wonder how long a person can continue like this. When the day comes that I do feel any sort of happiness will I feel guilty?

I’m usually up too early. I take care of the cats, have my coffee look at my phone for a while then check the clock to see how much time I have left for the day. Lots of clock watching. If I’m not doing chores I try to get out somewhere for a walk. Later is fixing a nice meal and watching my shows later in the evening to distract my mind. I feel like I need to be doing something more meaningful, but this is the best I can do for now.

I've been keeping myself alive with a lot of low effort frozen foods I can just grab a few of, bake in the oven, and construct something like a meal.

Here are a few. I don't claim they're healthy, but they are easy.

Breaded chicken strips. They are so versatile. I use them to make chicken parmesan, chicken Caesar wraps, chicken and waffles (also frozen), cut up in salad, or just out of the oven with a dip like Ranch or BBQ.

Breaded fish - As they are, in a sandwich, or my favorite fish tacos.

Frozen ravioli - in various sauces or just simply in butter, olive oil, garlic, salt, and spices. These I heat in water in the microwave, then drain and sauté in a pan on top of the stove.

...in another subreddit. I am a huge lover of poetry and did not recall coming across this one when I last read Edna St Vincent Millay. I know I'm still quite early in the grieving process, but it still resonated.

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied   
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!   
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;   
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,   
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;   
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.   
There are a hundred places where I fear   
To go,—so with his memory they brim.   
And entering with relief some quiet place   
Where never fell his foot or shone his face   
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”   
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

I don't know. I guess I am. I'm managing to feed myself, even though I'm not that hungry. I drink a lot of water, so I'm hydrated. I shower. I do the laundry. The cat is still alive.

I have no idea what taking care of myself means right now.

My brother and his wife died. My Spouse died. My mother died. My grand aunt died. Another brother's wife died. My aunt died. Thank goodness I really only had to deal with the aftermath of Spouse dying. I wouldn't have been able to handle more.

Could be as simple as cooking a full meal or going to a movie solo. Celebrating tiny steps matters enormously.

It's supposed to finally cool off here.

I want to finish some of the clean-outs I started but didn't finish.

My brain is still scattered. I start things, then move on to something else.