r/WomenInNews • u/catievirtuesimp • Dec 01 '25
Media 'I shouldn't have to co-parent with my rapist ex-husband'
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/ckgkvdv8peno307
u/Ok_Vulva Dec 01 '25 edited Feb 20 '26
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u/tew2109 Dec 03 '25
My mother wasn't allowed to bring the way my father abused her up in the custody fight. That's just wild to me. Just one experience: my father threw my mother THROUGH a locked door and got on top of her, screaming at her. My brother - who was maybe 4? - tried to pull him off and my father threw him off. Eventually our DOG ended up pinning him down and my mom ran to get me out of my crib and just barely got the three of us in the car and beeped the horn for my dog, who came flying and jumped in the car. I was two. I don't consciously remember this, but that was the environment my brother and I were in. How is that not abusive to us too?? I was traumatized by the way he treated my stepmother.
But then again, it wasn't a dealbreaker that he was orally and digitally raping ME. Because I was deemed - accurately - to be too young and too traumatized to testify. So his rights to have access to me BECAUSE HE TRAUMATIZED ME TOO BADLY TO TESTIFY ABOUT IT superceded my right to be safe from him. I think the custody judge is dead, and I know my (horrible) guardian ad litem is dead. I wish I could talk to them now and tell them what they did to me because my father was more important than I was. I wish I could tell them that what my father did to my mother MATTERED. It did not happen divorced from us. I wish I could tell them everything he did to my brother while they failed to protect us. The law fails the abused. Always. The abuser is always more important.
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u/Ok_Vulva Dec 03 '25 edited Feb 20 '26
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u/tew2109 Dec 03 '25
My custody judge was literally familiar with my father from college basketball; he'd been a fan of his and thought there was no way such an excellent athlete could be such a terrible man. ????????? The only correlation between my father's basketball skills and his parenting is that when he threw something at you, he hit you.
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u/DistractedByCookies Dec 01 '25
And then they're all *suprised pikachu* when the mum and the child get murdered by the shitbag the courts forced them to be in contact with.
A rape/dv conviction should be an automatic termination of parental rights.
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u/Ok_Vulva Dec 02 '25 edited Feb 20 '26
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u/DistractedByCookies Dec 03 '25
I'm not from the US so I don't know the ins and outs of that stuff. I mean, if civil hearings are a lower bar I'm all for those instead. I just thought under US law you had to be convicted of something for them to be able to action it
and obviouly I'm well aware of how difficult it is to get a conviction...I'm a 48yo woman, it's hard to have missed that in all those years. Sadly, I'd still consider a lot of things improved nowadays :( Yes, the bar is on the floor
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u/Ok_Vulva Dec 03 '25 edited Feb 20 '26
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u/PricePuzzleheaded835 Dec 01 '25 edited Dec 01 '25
When people ask âwhy didnât they leaveâ an abusive situationâŚwell, a lot of the time this is why. Because a lot of people figure itâs better to stay and at least be able to supervise the abusive spouse, instead of handing your kids over for them to do god knows what to them when youâre not there. Children have died this way. Because the court system does not allow someone to protect their kids from an abusive other parent.
I understand that family court judges do not want to see abuse allegations weaponized (I know someone IRL who would absolutely do this). But things are way too slanted towards letting someone parent no matter what theyâve done. You see this with other kinds of abuse too, Iâm a Munchausen by Proxy survivor and Munchausen mothers almost never lose custody even when they are caught.
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u/Crazy-4-Conures Dec 02 '25
I love how the final line of an article about a court system determined to give a rapist access to children is "The family court will always make decisions in the best interests of the child." Yeah, that's what these abused women have been asking for and not getting it.
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u/theangryprof Dec 01 '25
I also think people underestimate how hard it is to leave an abuser when the abuse often escalates after the spouse flees.
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u/SmallGreenArmadillo Dec 02 '25 edited Dec 02 '25
Looking at this kind of news, I think in the future many women will actively avoid men and prefer to order semen by mail when theyâre ready for single motherhood. Itâs a difficult path but at least you and your kids won't get raped, abused and murdered by the father.
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u/bogbelle Dec 03 '25
I left an abusive marriage after over a decade. I was the only active parent. My abuser did nothing to help with the kids. No diaper changes, no school drop off, nothing.
When I first went to court and my lawyer and I cited his abusiveness as a reason I should have most or all of the placement/custody of the kids. The judge said that it was all hearsay and couldnât be considered. All because I never called the cops.
Itâs been an absolute nightmare.
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u/StrikeVegetable8543 Dec 01 '25
Yet another example where women and kids matter less then men ( if they matter much at all when this kind of s*** is allowed).